Posts Tagged ‘weird’

Just Relax And Enjoy It

March 19th, 2017

A long time ago, a politician in Texas once remarked that rape was like a hurricane and “if it’s inevitable, just relax and enjoy it”. His name was Clayton Williams, and he was running for Governor at the time. It was 1990, and he had a sizable lead over his opponent Ann Richards. The remarks led to backlash against Williams, as did allegations that he had visited a brothel while in college. On election day, Williams was toast, his lead in the polls evaporated and he crawled back into the world of oil, natural gas, philanthropy, and political fundraising.

 

Clayton Williams would have been perfect for 2017 politics. Went to a brothel, joked about victims enjoying rape? That would get him on the bill at CPAC. Maybe even as keynote speaker.

 

I’ve had a difficult time with all this. I need to be protected from rich people who think I’m a drain on society. Take a moment or two and read the New Yorker story about the connection between Trump, Steve Bannon and the Mercer family. The piece focuses mostly on the Mercer family, especially patriarch Robert. He is a billionaire kook. What do I mean by kook: he thinks that most Americans won’t be negatively affected by nuclear war. Oh, there might be a few deaths but mainly people will be just fine and it might even strengthen people. Like maybe even people might grow an immunity to nuclear exposure or something.

 

Jesus, lord. . .

 

Here we are, caught in a perfect storm. Living in a surreal nightmare that has been years in the making. While we go about our daily business, weirdos form think tanks and spend money to make things happen that will affect the quality of our lives. Then you find out about them and their worldview and you realize that they are fucking twisted and their thoughts are anti-social. Imagine the guy on the subway who touches himself while staring at women, shooting upskirt videos on his phone of unsuspecting women while walking up and down busy streets. Take that pervert, give him two billion dollars. What’s his worldview like? If he wanted to influence American policy, how would he try to do it?

 

The only way, the only fucking way, this Trump thing could ever have worked is if Trump had the very best and the very brightest people working in his administration and he listened to them. He doesn’t and he doesn’t. His chief strategist is a magazine editor/self-proclaimed Leninist who wants to dismantle the state and who’s favorite book is an incredibly racist French novel about Europe beating back a swarm of Muslim immigrants lead by a shit eater.

 

HOW MANY LENINISTS MAKE $750,000 A YEAR ANYWAY?

 

The sheer amount of lunatics, racists, kooks and incompetents in this cabinet are staggering. They got there by patronage, paying their way in. They bought a ticket and are taking a ride. You better believe the Mercer family have a seat at the table, even if they’re not in any official position. The weirdness is staggering. And it trickles down to the Congress, a Republican-led quagmire. More and more we’re seeing the veneer of normalcy flake away. Clayton Williams was a stone-cold prophet. Now we’re starting to see the freak flag fly, and not in a good way.

 

 

Guilty Conscience

March 11th, 2017

My WWE Network subscription ran out yesterday.

It was a gift from a friend who believed it was a fantastic thing, and if one is a WWE fan then he would be right. I have in a past life been a WWE fan. Before Election Day 2016. Before Linda McMahon became the head of Trump’s Small Business Administration.
I felt sick about having that damn subscription and stopped using it after November. Normalizing a monster like Trump belongs at the feet of people like Vince McMahon, who held two early Wrestlemanias at Trump Plaza in Atlantic City and letting Trump be the focus of the main event of Wrestlemania in 2007. That was the year Umaga wrestled Bobby Lashley in a Trump vs. McMahon hair match, with Stone Cold Steve Austin as referee. Donald Trump is in the WWE Hall of Fame, if it means anything.

 

Donald Trump is Vince McMahon’s idiot friend, and that guy is in the White House right now. Not to say McMahon is all that brilliant but he has at least eaten his own failures as opposed to Trump who’s failures are owned by other people, who rack up and pay for his losses.

 

There is more wrestling out there to enjoy and appreciate. At one point last year, I had compiled a list of my favorite matches from the first seven months of 2016. It got to be a long list, over 150 or more. It consumed my time and energy. I enjoyed it but I feel embarrassed now, seeing what the end of 2016 brought us. I really thought it couldn’t end so terribly. I got distracted in my cake and circus, and I have a guilty conscience about it.

 

I might be going crazy while the world burns itself. While bad people hurt those who can’t fight back. I feel powerless and any rage I could muster would go nowhere. Sometimes I muster the ability to resist in concrete ways. I’m on the phone with my representatives a lot more now. I am more awake then I was a year ago, and and certainly more than I was two years ago. But I envy those who are still sleeping in their bubbles. I envy the privileged. I am jealous and there’s two deadly sins right there. I already have gluttony, sloth and lust down pat. Anger isn’t even a sin anymore, it’s a bassline to life. If I were prideful, I’d have all the basis covered.

 

Wrestlemania is coming in a few weeks. Mary and the Colonel used to go every year. Since the Colonel passed away, Mary has gone without him. She has friends in wrestling now. She knows these larger-than-life characters as people… these blown-up one dimensional TV characters are another thing altogether when out of the limelight. The world is a strange place, and once upon a time I would want to know that world but not anymore. The fantasy dies behind the curtain. You don’t want to know who’s a dickhead in real life. Never meet your heroes. Never meet anyone. Meeting people is terrible.

 

Vince McMahon can drink my piss.

Unhinged Boy

February 27th, 2017

I am too unhinged to run for public office.

 

“It was not the first time in these chambers that one congressman referred to another as an ‘ill-begotten son-of-a-bitch’, nor was it the first time a congressman beat another congressman with a cane but Rep. Farmer’s actions mark the first and hopefully only time the sentence “I couldn’t beat off while thinking about your dead daughter, asshole” were entered into the Congressional Record.

 


 

“More than once the Speaker of the House had to instruct Rep. Farmer to ‘unclench your fists when you’re talking to me like this’. This proved to be his undoing when after the third warning, and it was also the undoing of Rep. Farmer’s right hand for which he is being treated at a local medical facility.”

 


 

“It was not the first time a member of Congress had been caught looking at pornography during a Committee hearing, but it was the first time the words “I really need to get laid” were muttered into an open microphone before being broadcast on C-SPAN and somehow entered into the Congressional Record.”

 


 

“Rep. Michael ‘I Really Need To Get Laid’ Farmer (D-Ky) had another one of his infamous outbursts during the State of The Union address last night when he shouted ‘Aw, c’mon godammit!’ during the President’s address. Before that, he had uttered aloud ‘Are you fuckin’ kidding me? Is he fuckin’ kiddin’ right now?’ and ‘I aint standin’ up, you stand up. I’m not standin’.”

 


 

A House Ethics Committee investigation into the eccentric behavior of Rep. Michael ‘I’m Not Standin’! You Stand Then!’ Farmer concludes with the determination that he should be censured for erratic outbursts in House sessions. ‘Am I gonna lose money over this’, Farmer asked after the investigation concluded.

 


 

Rep. Farmer Wikiquote:

  • “I will take my shirt off and stand here with my tits out if you think about passing this bill.”
  • “You bang that gavel one more time I swear to God. . .”
  • “The Gentleman from Maine is a goddamn low-rent blatant motherfucker of an individual. For him to insinuate that I would watch gay porn during a Committee hearing is libel! Tranny porn is not gay! How many times do I have to fucking say it?”

Swastikas On Parade

February 19th, 2017

(aka the best Christmas present ever)

 

(aka Did I just give Nazi paraphernalia as a gift)

 

I gave Mary a copy of The Residents’ The Third Reich ‘n Roll as a Christmas gift. The album cover is a drawing of Dick Clark from American Bandstand dressed in Nazi uniform. The album artwork is covered with swastikas. The music is relatively inaccessible, especially if you have no experience with the Residents whatsoever. Which Mary does not.

 

Explaining who the Residents are and what The Third Reich ‘n Roll will take far too long than I feel like writing. It’s an entire album of 1960’s bubblegum pop songs played very badly on purpose, mashed up and beaten to a pulp with a tire iron. Oh, and here’s the album cover.

 

 

Did we listen to this abomination last night in mixed company? You bet we did.

Was it disconcerting to nearly everyone in attendance? You bet it was.

 

At one point, a very nice girl named BB wandered in during the playing of this album and said “it sounds like demons” before making for the nearest door. There were a lot of nice people at this little get-together. This was not the album to inflict on them.

 

Legend has it even ol’ Dick Clark had a copy of the album in his office as a joke, seeing as he’d been immortalized on the cover in Nazi regalia while holding a carrot. Another fact I learned, Germany has strict laws regarding Nazi imagery, which means that this album couldn’t be sold in that country what with all the swastikas on the artwork. Same thing with Kiss when they go on tour in Europe they can’t use their typical logo in Germany because it looks too much like the SS logo the Nazis used during the second World War. So they have a custom German Kiss logo that scraps the thunderbolt “S”.
Did the Residents make a video for The Third Reich ‘n Roll. Of course they did.

Is it strange? You bet it is.

This album is what it sounds like inside my nervous system at all times.

 

Mike Farmer For Public Office 201?

December 3rd, 2016

Future candidate for public office with the mouse he cooked by accident

Future candidate for public office with the mouse he cooked by accident

 

I could be the Governor. Why not me? I could totally set a fiscal budget. I’d probably mess some things up but I’d probably get a few things right as well. Nobody’s perfect, I learned that in a movie somewhere. I read it in a book that wasn’t the Bible.

 

I could be a Congressman. Why not me? I could go to Washington and vote on bills. I could stand on the floor of the floor of the House of Representatives with C-Span cameras staring through me while I say stuff like “Motion to something something, the gentleman from Wyoming is a douchebag.” Why not?

 

I could be a State Senator or Representative. Why not? I could go to Frankfort and stand in the State House and just shout at people about the dumb bills they want to pass. “NO THE COAL JOBS AREN’T COMING BACK AND NEITHER IS JESUS!” That would make a great campaign slogan. Not a winning one, but still pretty incredible.

 

I’m thinking about running for public office in 2018. There’s some options on the table. Not saying I could win because there’s no way I could win. I’m too outlandish. But hell, the guy who won the 2016 Presidential election lost the popular vote by 2.5 million. To a woman, nonetheless! And he doesn’t know what he’s doing at all. So why not me? The difference between me and Trump is that I’m poor and (very important) I’m not racist or fascist.

 

If I run for Governor, it will be intensely personal. It will be a “fuck you and your whole family” style campaign against Bevin and his nonsensical industrial-elite pandering. Fuck him and his whole family. Sucks up to the race baiting Trump while being the adopted father of four black children from Ethiopia. I hope none of them have to deal with the incendiary hate speech and harassment that is becoming more mainstream in Trump’s America.

 

I have some campaign slogans in case I ever get this sucker off the ground.

“ELECT MIKE FARMER: THE COAL JOBS AREN’T COMING BACK AND NEITHER IS JESUS!”

“ELECT MIKE FARMER: CRY, YOU INBREDS! CRY FOR THE FIRE!”

“ELECT MIKE FARMER: SHIP’S A-GOIN’ DOWN! A SHIP CALLED AMERICA!”

“ELECT MIKE FARMER: LET’S GROW A BUNCH OF POT AND SELL IT TO THE VIRGINNNYS!”

Best Titles Of Unreleased Prince Songs

April 29th, 2016

One day we may officially hear these songs now that the Purple Rainmaker has shuffled off this mortal coil. This list of songs is cribbed from PrinceVault.com and is far from the complete list of unreleased songs.

 

  • 3 Nigs Watchin’ A Kung Fu Movie
  • Cold Coffee And Cocaine
  • Electric Intercourse
  • Good Dick And A Job
  • High Calonic
  • I Met A Virgin Queen
  • Me Touch Myself
  • Most Strongest Whiskey
  • Neurotic Lover’s Baby Bedroom
  • She Pony
  • Small Grey Monkey
  • Work That Fat
  • Zebra With The Blonde Hair
  • Pizza

For some reason, “Pizza” is the most intriguing song title of all of these. Either that or “3 Nigs Watchin’ A Kung Fu Movie” because what can they possibly sound like? I wonder if Prince didn’t know the proper spelling of “colonic”. Somebody had to tell him. That had to be a misspelling on purpose. Some of these feel like a make-your-own-Prince-song adventure.

According to PrinceVault.com, “Pizza” features lyrics “about one girl attacking another until her face looks like a pizza.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound good. I was hoping it would be a “Cream”-esque funky song about how great pizza is.

The Stupid And The Weird

November 30th, 2015

Every morning I check my social media. My facebook wall and my twitter feed. This is never a good idea because a good chunk of my social media turns out to be about the news. The news is usually awful. If you really wanted to look for something to make you mad on any given day, it wouldn’t be difficult.

 

Discrimination and violence. The stupid and the weird.

 

If you reading this, you probably have to deal with the stupid and the weird in your own life. You don’t think yourself as particularly stupid or weird but may admit to having moments when you’ve been one or the other. This is normal. We’ve all locked the keys in the car while the car is still running two or three times in our life. We’ve all driven around with a five-foot cross in the backseat of the car. We’ve all worn wrestling masks to roller derby. Or maybe only I have done those things.

 

Stupid is when you do something that goes directly against your own best interests. For me, it’s eating junk food when I obviously don’t need an ounce of that in my diet. Other people may vote for a Governor who plans on dismantling health care because he’s Republican. Why would they do that? Because he’s a Republican? Because they associate Republicans with Christianity? Because they didn’t think it through clearly?

 

You will have to deal with the stupid and the weird. You may be doing it right now. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s tough out there. People sometimes make you want to pull a Robinson Crusoe and get the hell away from society. You’d rather take your chances with a hungry brown bear than go to the mall.

 

If you have any notions, I’ll be over here eating half a bag of Doritos in one serving.