Posts Tagged ‘twitter’

The Pain, The Endless Agony

December 4th, 2016


A story no one will like, in tweet form.



Tomi Lahren, this is you eight years from now.

Tomi Lahren, this is you eight years from now.

Forget It, I’m Too Petty

November 11th, 2016

I will stay out of your bullshit if you stay out of mine. You are entitled to your dumb thoughts and I am entitled to my thoughts. You hear me, Linda? I’m talking to you, Linda!


Just last night I e-mailed my governor about having compassion for “the other”. My governor is a die-hard Republican conservative, but I’d like to think that he has a basic sense of compassion for people even on a human level. Who am I kidding?


There is reason to believe that the Russian government has mucked up the works (that’s a technical term) regarding the 2016 election. Do you know why I say that? Because the Russians themselves say so. I direct you to this article in Esquire where a Russian deputy minister mentions their correspondence with the Trump campaign.


So this is where the pettiness began. As always, on social media. You had to stick your nose in my business, didn’t ya Linda?




Okay, Linda. I’ll get over it. Just as soon as I take care of something first.




Yeah, that’s you alright. Telling everybody to get over it. I should get over all those people of color being attacked since Tuesday night, shouldn’t I? All the gays, lesbians and trans people being harassed and attacked? Just get over that, right? I’ll get right on that.


By the way, “WAAAHHH MY DAD’S DEAD!I’M SO SAAAAAAD! I MISS HIM SOOO MUCH!” Get over it, Linda. That was ages ago.


By the way, if you think I’m being petty for the sake of being petty. . . you’re mostly right. But seriously, Linda. People are worried about the short and long-term stability of our country. We’re worried about people other than ourselves. We’re not just worried about our guns and our Medicare. And just this deal wasn’t on the up and up, what with potential Russian interference. You think Trump is so wonderful, just wait until he turns out to be Putin’s bottom bitch.


More importantly, that hurt your feelings and I’m sorry. I did that on purpose because I wanted you to know that being callous and petty on the Internet is a two-way street. You can just as easily have your feelings hurt as you can hurt the feelings of others. This is a lesson about the golden rule which you should have learned about as a child. Treat people the way you want to be treated.


So because I am not the kind of person who can hold a petty grudge long-term, I apologize. I didn’t really mean what I said about your dad. I hope, Linda, that you accept my apology and we can mend our differences in a sincere, meaningful way.


But really, though. Get over your dead dad, already. Sheesh.


Mike & The Governor: A Buddy Comedy

November 3rd, 2016

Can two people who have never met drive each other to insanity? I think it is possible. bevinvsmike


If I could share the Governor’s half of the conversation, I would. As it is, it looks like some sort of “Garfield Minus Garfield” thing where I am screaming and reacting to nothing like a deranged Jon Arbuckle.


Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I kept haranging the man on Twitter so he blocked me. So maybe he’s a little more together than I am at this moment. Him and Corey Feldman.

I Have Already Started The Bargaining

September 2nd, 2016

When I last wrote on this website, I mentioned I was going off Twitter for the month of September. I have already started bargaining. It hasn’t even been two full days.


I clicked off Twitter on 11:50 pm on August 31st. . . and logged back on twenty-four hours later. And I’ve logged back in since then. I haven’t tweeted anything. Hence the bargaining. “I’ll log in, I just won’t tweet.” I’m such a weak-willed person. I will be tweeting within the week. “Okay, I’m logged in. I won’t tweet. But I’ll retweet other people.” It’s a slippery slope, kids.


No one is going to care. I’m the only one holding me to this. It doesn’t matter. What do I care? I need this break, though. Do I need to chime in on the topics of the day? Does it matter what I think about Lena Dunham (spoiler alert: not a fan)? Does it matter what I think about Donald Trump (see Lena Dunham, only more so)? What can I say that the rest of the universe hasn’t already said, in many ways already better and funnier? I deliver cold takes, people. Cold takes. I’m the opposite of these Slate writers and ESPN analysts and talk-radio hosts. I’m too even-handed and I take too much time to think of a reasonable take. I’m not divisive enough. I’m borderline mature and it’s dragging down my ability to wish strangers would die of leukemia because we disagree about pro wrestling.


Because if I’m not being smacked in the face with blunt ugliness and meanness, I’m being smacked with sobering reality. The blunt ugliness of people being mean and ist and phobic to each other all being thrown into a volcano only to have sobering reality upchucked back at you like spurts of lava.


So it’s smart to get away every now and then. Or maybe avoid it forever. But I could not do it. Barely a whole day and I logged back in. I’m addicted to being scalded by lava. “Why are you hurting yourself?”

September Song Without Twitter

August 30th, 2016

Twitter is so horrible. I’m on it nearly every day. I keep locking into it like a sick fuck who can’t stop slapping himself with a carp. “Why are you hitting yourself with a carp, self? Why, huh? Why are you hitting yourself with a carp?” Like I’m bullying myself. What a creep, me.


I am sick of Twitter interactions. I get it, the dumb and the mean cross-pollinate and make a toxic nectar. And it’s always strangers. Between the people I follow and my followers, I get along just fine. It’s those who butt in on something I didn’t intend for them that make it disgusting. Fuck them. They can take a piss bath. What a total corrosive atmosphere. And here I am letting it corrode me. Oh god. I can’t help it. It’s desensitizing. I fight dumb meanness with smart meanness but it is still mean in the end. What’s the difference when you end up hurting someone’s feelings, even if they are dumb assholes who deserve to suffer a painful death.


I’m thinking about taking September off from Twitter. Not the whole Internet. Just dumb shit Twitter. I only lurk on reddit. The only chan I post on is /wooo and only because I enjoy talking about pro wrestling. Life is stupid and awful and why should we treat each other like jerks in this life when there are so many other deserving targets?


I don’t know if I can go a whole month without checking Twitter. I am bored shitless in life with or without it. Life sucks. It always has and will. My god. Maybe I will be more productive and in a better mood without the damn thing. Just thirty days. I can do this. I can’t do this. I can do this. Life is a corrosive shitpile. It’s battery acid flowing through your veins.