Posts Tagged ‘TNA’

Venn Diagram Mania

July 27th, 2015

Do you know what a Venn diagram is? A Venn diagram is a diagram that shows all possible logical relations between a finite collection of different sets. For example, imagine the Venn diagram of Nazi sympathizers and St. Louis Cardinals fans. People who are the worst people on Earth. . . who also subscribe the ethos of National Socialism.

 

Now imagine the Venn diagram of show biz people and carnival folk. Pro wrestlers are in that diagram, and only pro wrestlers can fit in that diagram.

 

Here’s the thing about people. Very few of them you like, some others not so much but they’re not terrible. They just exist, and that’s the great majority of people. Then there are a few beings so atrocious you wouldn’t be able to leave them alone in your house without them burning it down and selling your children into slavery for drugs.

 

Pro wrestlers are much the same, except the percentage of degenerates is higher than in normal population. And that includes the wrestlers you see on TV every week. Not only will they burn your house down and trade your kids for drugs, they will talk about you like you are the asshole and not them, finding a way to justify their inexcusable behavior.

 

I am sitting here writing about this in light of the whole Hulk Hogan thing. I touched on it in the last blog. A few years ago I met him and fanboy’d in front of him. I did that even though I knew Hogan was a guy was a politician who struggled with the truth. A man who was weirdly obsessed with his own daughter, who couldn’t tell the truth about his own steroid use, a man in his fifties dressing like he did in his twenties, a man who thought a skullcap would distract from his baldness. . . and I still turned into a mushmouth ten-year-old in front of the guy.

 

If you do a Bing search for “wrestling sleaze” you will find links to stories that are horrible. Some of them are implausible but even if they are half-true, then pro wrestlers might be some of the worst people in the world (non-murderers division). A guy who got loaded and told autograph-seeking kids to fuck off. Another guy who got arrested and picked a scab on his head to start bleeding and claimed police brutality. So-and-so pimped his wife out to some of the other wrestlers. A tag team that stopped taking steroids and started taking rhesus monkey hormones. Such-and-such woke up to find a promoter standing over him masturbating. Oh, and the cuckolding. Very much cuckolding. If a wrestler released a book called “The Carny’s Guide To Sex”, it would have one page and cost $29.99

 

Wrestling, a staged performance, attracts people who compete against each other in real life for top billing and the best salary. Show business, a travesty where good people drown in vats of animal dung. Carnival folk, a low-grade class of people running a rigged system that will take you for all you have. These are the people who find it high comedy to shit in each other’s luggage.

 

I have a front row seat to a show in October, me who does not learn his lesson.

Wrestlers Who Sing (Meme)

May 13th, 2015

Meme time.

0a2b2544 thepopeSINGS AUSTINANDROCKSING Heymansings AMBROSECENASING jimrosssings lawlersings otungasings samoajoeandkurtsing PunkSINGS

Billy Corgan: Wrestling Mind?

April 30th, 2015

Billy Corgan has recently hinted at the demise of the Smashing Pumpkins, and if the Siamese Dream really is winding down, the frontman has already found a new line of work: Senior Producer, Creative and Talent Development for TNA Wrestling. Corgan will begin his new role effective immediately. As part of his job, Corgan will “develop characters and create story lines” for TNA’s flagship program Impact Wrestling, which airs Friday nights on Destination America, according to a press release.

RollingStone.com, April 27th 2015

 

Billy Corgan has some experience in the world of professional wrestling, having formerly been a writer for a wrestling promotion in Chicago. Some of his ideas were very controversial even in the colorful over-the-top world of pro wrestling.

 

The very first wrestling show that Billy wrote opened up with him standing in an empty ring, lecturing the audience on the history of wrestling. He interrupted himself at various points to play unaccompanied keyboard solos. The main event was a tag-team match between a pair of evil clowns fighting against a clown with a bad past and uncertain future accompanied by his partner, a non-clown who doesn’t trust him entirely.

 

All the villains were forced to make their entrances to songs from Love’s album “Celebrity Skin”.

 

A show titled “Operation: Konflikt” started with a wedding storyline where two opponents got married in the ring, then faced off against each other later in what Billy titled a “Hardcore Honeymoon” match.

 

A tag team named “James & D’Arcy”, an intergender tag team portrayed as ineffectual, lost every match they were in.

 

Another show titled “Steel Cage Heartbreak By Telescopa” featured an in-ring solo performance by Billy of a song written about the Chris Benoit tragedy. This song, which featured no choruses but at least three guitar solos, ran for eleven minutes. Main event of the show was a steel cage match featuring a double-amputee gay pirate against a sheep farmer with cerebral palsy.

 

Other characters created by Billy Corgan: Keith and his friend Fire (a tag team of a man and his pet torch); One-Arm Pete, The Two-Armed One-Armed Man; Los Trios Gaycistz (a trio of Mexican luchador gays/racists); Machina (a dominatrix).

 

Billy’s wrestling company held a “Titty Tuesday” promotion. It was held on Easter Sunday.

Truth: Billy Corgan did not come up with the ideas I have listed. But would you be surprised if he did?

Da Art Of (Bad) Storytelling

June 28th, 2013

Thursday night, I watched TNA’s Impact Wrestling on Spike TV. You know how some people watch shows about pregnant teens or redneck towing company shenanigans for a cheap laugh. Impact is a cheap laugh for me.

 

I’ll give you a brief recap of one of the many storylines on Thursday’s show. You’ll think I’m shooting fish in a barrel, but I’m not.

 

  • Chris Sabin is walking down a hallway before his match. Sabin is the X-Division (or Light-Heavyweight) Champion. He is accosted and harassed by Bully Ray and two goons, who get Sabin in a choke hold and tell him not to take a match against Bully Ray for Bully Ray’s World Title in a few weeks.
  • While listing his reasons as to why Sabin should not accept the match, Bully Ray literally says “I am a bad person and I do bad things.”
  • “I am a bad person and I do bad things” is the kind of thing a child would come up with when trying to scare off the monsters in their closet.
  • The goons let Chris Sabin go, who is now a little worse for wear.

 

Okay, fine. Maybe I am shooting fish in a barrel. Fuck you.

 

  • The first match of the show is a triple-threat match, or a 1-on-1-on-1 match. Chris Sabin is defending his X-Division title against two men, Kenny King and the masked Suicide.
  • After about ten minutes, Suicide throws Sabin out of the ring and pins King with a rollup while grabbing a rope for leverage.
  • In spite of cheating by grabbing the rope and not pinning the actual champion, Suicide is declared the new X-Division Champion.
  • Just then, Hulk Hogan (the general manager of the show) comes out with a man who is doubled over in pain. He introduces that man as TJ Perkins, and says that TJ is the guy who is the real Suicide.
  • Apparently, someone beat up TJ before the show, took his costume and mask (he wears a full-body costume) and went out to wrestle as Suicide.
  • Hogan demands that the imposter Suicide unmask immediately but instead he runs off through the crowd with the belt.
  • Backstage, Hogan screams that if the imposter doesn’t unmask, he’ll strip him of the X-Division title.

 

If they wanted to do an imposter masked man angle, why not keep the mask on the real Suicide instead of outing the guy who actually plays him. Am I to understand that the real Suicide would only have one mask and one bodysuit to bring to wrestling shows? That’s like bringing one guitar with no extra cables or strings to a band gig.

 

  • To close the show, Hogan returned to the ring to call out the fake Suicide, who showed up with the X-Division title around his waist.
  • When I say “his waist”, I assume the fake Suicide is a man. Actually, if the fake Suicide were a woman it still wouldn’t be as dumb as “This is TJ, he’s the real Suicide” from earlier in the show.
  • Hogan demands the imposter unmask or be stripped of the X-Division title. The imposter refuses, and is non-verbal (despite having a mic in his hand).
  • Just when Hogan is about to strip him of the belt, Bully Ray shows up to confront the imposter. This gets fake Suicide to start talking; he has a distorted voice.
  • You know who else had a distorted voice? The Shockmaster.
  • As he talks, he rips off his mask to reveal he is none other than Austin Aries, and he declares that he will challenge Bully Ray for Ray’s World Title before stomping off.

 

Here’s a list of people who look stupid because of the angle on Impact, in descending order of stupidity.

 

  1. Chris Sabin. Got punked out by three guys to start the show. Lost his belt, didn’t even get pinned in the match. Won’t get a chance to fight Bully Ray for the World Title after Bully Ray punked him out backstage.
  2. TJ Perkins. Got beat up by Aries. Didn’t get to challenge for the X-Division Title. Hulk Hogan told everybody he was the real Suicide. Wasn’t there at the end of the show to challenge Aries for beating him up and stealing his gear and spot in the match.
  3. Austin Aries. Has been a bad guy up until this week’s show. Beat up Perkins, stole the Suicide costume and used it to win the X-Division Title. Cheated to win. Talked like the Shockmaster. Wouldn’t unmask for Hogan but would unmask for Bully Ray? Is Austin now a good guy automatically?
  4. Bully Ray. Threatened Sabin, did no good whatsoever because Sabin lost the title. Said the sentence, “I am a bad person and I do bad things”. Said it later on when threatening Suicide/Aries. Interrupted Hogan when he was about to strip Suicide/Aries of the X-Division Title/shot at World Title.
  5. Hulk Hogan. Because.
  6. Me. I have spent nearly 900 words on this.

 

I wish I could say that the other storylines on the show were better. They were not. And the worst thing that wrestling fans can do is pretend this stuff is good or works when it isn’t or doesn’t. It is bad storytelling. Despite having legends from WWE, WCW and ECW, Impact regularly does .9 ratings, which is what your BAC level would need to be to think any of the storylines work.