Posts Tagged ‘stupidity’

A Minor Pet Peeve

June 14th, 2017

I like breasts, gang. Don’t you? They’re a nice pleasant thing that women have and we as a people love breasts so doggone much that we have declared a veritable fatwa against breast cancer. We’ve manage to give breast cancer an entire month, the month of October, where we commercialize it and sell all kinds of pink ribbon-type merchandise in the name of finding a cure for breast cancer. We love breasts and we hate cancer especially when it is in the women’s breast.


We like breasts and we like nipples, too. We like seeing nipples, but if we can’t see nipples we’re okay with seeing the imprint of them under the woman’s shirt. These are known as “pokies”.


I hate “pokies”. The term, not the actual phenomenon. Between you and me, hard nipples poking through clothing fabric and I are on good terms. But the word “pokies” is so childish and nauseating. I don’t know who came up with it or what part of 4chan they inhabited when they did it, but I hate it. “Pokies” sounds like something that would be found in a pornographic Japanese comic book.


Perhaps this says more about me and my online habits than it does about anything else. I have been on the reddit more than a few times in my life, and I am familiar with the concept of celebrity nudes and near-nudes. As is my save folder. Yes, I would love to see famous women naked. That’s why I am on the Internet. But I’ll be damned if I can give a damn about areolas making a reverse bas-relief on tight clothes. I just can’t care. What am I, a child? Even a child with Internet access has seen “2 girls 1 cup”. It’s practically part of the online curriculum at this point in our advancement. Even if you are in the celebrity nudes business, you’re not going to get a lot of traction with “pokies”. Or you shouldn’t.


Maybe I’m just aghast at childish nomenclature of the female body in sexual terms as I grow older. I am almost forty for crying out loud.


Besides, “nipplage” is a way better term.

Another Frustrating Democracy Non-Interaction

April 6th, 2017

If you are a keen reader, and you are probably not, you’ll remember some time ago I tried to participate in a MoveOn meeting with a representative of Senator Rand Paul at his Owensboro office. That went absolutely nowhere as the representative was not there, and neither was anyone from MoveOn dot com. To this day, I gnash my teeth at the thought of MoveOn and silently scream at the thought of Rand Paul.
Today, my state representative Matt Castlen was scheduled to appear at the Fordsville community room. I saw it on the sign in front while driving by on the way to Bowling Green. Thursday the 6th, 6:30 pm. I got it, I’ll be there.

I get there, there’s some people gathering. So I think I’ve got it. I really want to talk to Rep. Castlen. I mostly want to talk to him to make sure he doesn’t enable Gov. Bevin’s crazy agenda. In fairness, he voted against right-to-work but for the most part he has voted along with his Republican cohorts in the State House. I wanted to talk to him, hear him out.


Everybody there looked at me wondering who I was and what I was doing there. I explained what I was there for. They looked at me again very confused. I looked at them confused.

They had reserved the room for a Lions Club meeting.


One of them mentions that someone earlier had been by wondering the same thing I asked about. Another guy came in as well after me looking to meet with Rep. Castlen. He saw the same sign that I saw. It wasn’t up today. I don’t know what’s going on. 6:30 pm came and I felt foolish and went right back home.


One of these days I am going to meet somebody who has a role in our government and I will scream like a teenage girl seeing the Beatles from fifty yards away in 1964.

My Attempt To Join The Borg

November 27th, 2016

Did you know you can apply for a position in the Trump administration? Folks, it’s a new era in America. It’s mo(u)rning in America and as Ronald Reagan once said, facts are stupid things. So with that in mind, I went to and I applied for a job in the Trump administration as White House press secretary.


The way I see it, my job as WH press sec. will come with two objectives: (1) avoid saying anything truthful about the President-elect’s intentions while in office and (2) verbally abuse the assembled reporters for my own amusement. Objective #2 will be incredibly easy as my respect for the mainstream media is at an all-time low.


Really, media? All the stuff that’s coming out about the President-elect now could have come out at any time in the previous few months and you could have reported. But nooooo, you had to play along with the FBI’s ginned-up Hillary e-mail story. Between the Russians, the FBI and the media, no kidding we’re in this position. Now you guys are being called to Trump Tower to be yelled at off the record and you throw hosannas anytime the guy backs off from his most rabid campaign promises! “Oh, he promised not to throw Hillary in jail! Wonderful! It’s going to be a glorious Christmas! We’ll all eat the most succulent of goose meat!”


Anyway, here we go.



Here I am, on the road again. Here I am, on the stage.



This is the part where they say they’ll vet you lest there be “anything that might embarrass the President. . .”? I didn’t think that was possible.


Of course there’s some biographical info you always have to fill out. Name, address, whatnot. Then we get to the good stuff.





You can’t read that so I’ll copy it for you.

Please describe why you hope to be a part of the President-elect’s administration:

Despite not agreeing with the President-elect on policy, I do share a seething contempt for the mainstream media. This is why I should be his Press Secretary.


This is my cover letter:

Mr. President-elect, you haunt my dreams. I cannot close my eyes without seeing your wretched face. Truly you are the bogeyman my grandmother warned me about. I now realize that the only people in America who will make good money will be the hustlers, the carnies and the lawyers. Honest work is for suckers. Even though I am a registered Democrat, that means nothing. Party allegiance and principle means nothing. You’ve proven that, sir. GFY.


Please describe any addition qualifications:

I am as qualified for this position as the President-elect is for his. Far less racist, though.


As I said, part of my job as Press Sec. would be evasion. A lot of questions will be asked by the cowardly press and I will have to field those questions. I’ve already prepared some stock answers which will be used liberally.

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“I try to avoid the President.”

“You know, I wasn’t supposed to be here today.”

“You know as much as I do, buddy.”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

“Reality is subjective. Have you ever watched The Matrix?”

“The best Smashing Pumpkins non-single is ‘By Starlight’. End of story!”

“I’m not actually the Press Secretary.”


Knives Out: GOP Version

November 15th, 2016


This morning, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) proclaimed “Welcome to the dawn of a new unified Republican government.” By the end of the day, three Republican senators had shown that the new Republican government was anything but unified. President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team also exposed itself as not only being splintered but totally unprepared for the task awaiting them come January 2017.


I watched Saturday Night Live last week like a lot of people did. It was the first one after the election and Dave Chappelle was host. Dave’s monologue was funny and insightful, some of the best television all year and he closed it with these words “I’m going to give (Trump) a chance, and I’m going to ask him to give us one too.” Crystal clear, Dave. Let’s give Trump a chance.


So Trump selected Steve Bannon as his chief White House strategist. Bannon, the guy who runs where you could find such a steady dose of clickbait, inaccurate news and straight up baiting at the expense of. . . well, let’s just say anyone who isn’t a white male. This was the chance we gave Trump and he totally botched it. How hard is that to do? “Don’t appoint a race-baiting anti-Semite bigot to your cabinet?”


Then you find out Trump almost made Bannon his chief of staff but didn’t because his son-in-law Jared Kushner stepped in. You should read this article on Politico about what a complete shitshow the transition has been. Bannon’s ex-wife accused him of not wanting his daughters to go to a private school with Jews. Kushner, who married Ivanka Trump, is a Jew. You do the math.


The phone lines have been flooded over the last few days by concerned Americans wanting their representatives to condemn the Bannon appointment. So far the only Kentucky politician to condemn it has been Rep. John Yarmuth who is not coincidentally the only Democrat of the bunch. Sen. Rand Paul did not condemn the Bannon appointment but he condemns the mere idea of John Bolton in a cabinet position, promising Politico that he would do “whatever it takes to stop someone like John Bolton from being secretary of state.”
Rand Paul avoiding the Bannon appointment and attacking both Bolton and Rudolph Giuliani (another Iraq war hawk) is interesting. Oh, wait he defends the hiring of Bannon fucking hell.

“I’ve met him. I don’t believe him to be a racist. I don’t believe him to be someone who characterizes people on race, gender, religion, you name it,” Paul said. “I think he ought to be judged by how well he performs.” – Rand Paul to Yahoo News 


Way to pick a hill to die on, Rand. It was an honor to vote for Jim Gray against you last week. I’d do it again in an instant.


Moving along, some of the old guard Republicans found less embarrassing ways to show the schisms in the new Republican government. In a press statement, Sen. John McCain of Arizona condemned the incoming administrations pillow-talk with Russia:

“With the U.S. presidential transition underway, Vladi­mir Putin has said in recent days that he wants to improve relations with the United States. We should place as much faith in such statements as any other made by a former KGB agent who has plunged his country into tyranny, murdered his political opponents, invaded his neighbors, threatened America’s allies and attempted to undermine America’s elections.”


The problem with press statements and open letters is that they are the written word and Trump is not much of a reader. It would have been easier to reach Trump by showing up at 5:30 pm on ESPN’s Pardon The Interruption with Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, in the hopes he’s watching.


To McCain’s point of attempting to undermine American elections, Sen. Lindsay Graham wants to investigate whether Russia had a role in cyberattacks on the Democratic National Committee to disrupt the election. Lindsay Graham is one guy who got burned by Trump who didn’t come running back. He’s no Ted Cruz.


Is there more? Oh you bet there’s more. Methinks Paul Ryan is cracking if he can say this is the dawn of a new unified anything and keep a straight face. Read the summary of what happened today that I’m copying below. You’ll be gobsmacked. It’s almost like the Marx Brothers’ Duck Soup but a tragedy instead.



The Calm

November 6th, 2016

One last Sunday before Election Day. The calm before. . . the storm? the flood? the apocalypse? Sunday is the Lord’s day and whether you believe in Him or not, this is as good as any time to rest because next week is going to be crazy.


As if the previous ten months haven’t been completely bizarre, I know. Death, destruction, the end of the Cold War and the sharp rise in tension between our country and Russia. It has been a year where we learned the difference between “the lesser of the two evils” and “six of one, half a dozen of the other”. It was easy to get those confused in the past. I would not throw out “evil” so easily but when one of the major candidates for President is endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan, has supporters in the FBI and is backed by the Russian government. . . how else can you put it? A Russian head-of-state with a mind to undermine the electoral process and the public’s faith in said process. It’s almost as if the most universally hated people decided to back Donald Trump. Roger Ailes, Martin Shkreli, Ann Coulter, David Duke, Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin.


For years, Glenn Beck was one of the most hated conservative voices. A kinder way to put it is that he is “divisive” because he has a fan base that allowed him to leave the platform of cable TV punditry to start his own media network. And he thinks Donald Trump is dangerous and unfit to be President.


But this was supposed to be about the calm. The calm, folks. Because something stupid is going to happen on Tuesday. I don’t know what it will be, and I’m pretty sure no one else does. We need the calm right now. A day of rest. Watching football. Listening to music. Laughing at the little things.


This is my white privilege at work. Because I will stroll into my voting place on Tuesday and vote. I will sign in and it will be a painless process, taking little to no time. I wasn’t one of the millions of Latino voters who stood in line for early voting last week. I will not have to stand in a long line. Voter suppression is a thing I don’t have to worry about. Because I’m white. I live in a predominately white part of the country. It isn’t fair for Latino or Black voters who are being disenfranchised by voter suppression efforts.


What has the patriarchy ever done for me? I want everybody else to get some of this good freedom. So I talk about the calm before the storm and while a guy in my situation is on shaky ground, I am far from in the worst position here. I don’t stand to have my rights rolled back based on my sexuality, gender or skin color. Nobody asks me for my immigration papers when I get pulled over.


I get a calm and other people don’t and that isn’t fair. I wanted to write about other things as a distraction but instead here we are. I was going to write about Hunter S. Thompson and how you many of his books you really need (three or four, tops). Maybe I would stray into the future of third-party presidential candidates (tl;dr version: a future of Evan McMullin-types who do well enough in one state to mess up elections for the two major parties).


Oh, and if you’re wondering what if any Thompson books you need, I’ll cut to that now. At most you need Hell’s Angels, Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, and The Great Shark Hunt. If you want more, get Fear And Loathing ’72: On The Campaign Trail. You don’t need any more. You definitely do not need any of his fiction, like The Rum Diary. And you don’t need to see the movie with Johnny Depp. I say this as someone who has bought about ten of his books. I could have given that money to charity or saved it. Ooof.

I Could Be The NFL Commissioner

October 27th, 2016

Space madness, 2016.


NFL ratings are down. On my TV, there is a NFL game on the NFL network. Thursday night football between the Tennessee Titans (3-4) against the Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4). This NFL game on the NFL network can probably also be seen on Twitter. Or it could have been in previous weeks, I’m not sure.


NFL ratings are down. Fewer people are watching the games on TV. Part of that might be due to the 2016 election. Part of it might be due to the NFL’s inability to enact an intelligent drug policy compared to its’ inability to deal with domestic violence in a sensitive and intelligent manner.


It’s also possible that people aren’t interested in seeing two lousy teams like the Jaguars and Titans playing in prime time. Only a few years ago, Thursdays were football-free until Thanksgiving. Then you could enjoy a nice Turkey Day with the Cowboys, the Lions and whoever else. And then maybe you’d have some more games throughout the rest of the season. But now there’s Thursday football all season long. It’s called “product overexposure”. And that’s why you have a 3-4 team playing a 2-4 team on Thursday night in prime time.


The NFL thinks the fan wants football all week all the time. So we get it Thursday, Sunday and Monday and near the end of the season we’ll get it on Saturday as well after college season ends. Like we’re just a bunch of lunkheads that have nothing going on but football to watch and bacon to eat while cry-bating into our beers because our wives left us again.


I’ve been waiting for the NFL bubble to burst and maybe this year is the beginning. Ratings are down eleven percent. They tried to the share the Thursday night games with Twitter and found that they couldn’t even sell commercials on Twitter for a rivalry game like Packers vs. Bears. If they couldn’t line up advertisers for a marquee matchup like that, how were they ever gonna sell ads for Titans vs. Jaguars?


Perhaps the sooner the whole league slides into irrelevancy the sooner the owners will can their empty-headed commissioner Roger Goodell. Maybe the next NFL commissioner will have some teeth and work in the best interest of the game, its’ players and fans, instead of being the kept boy/propaganda officer for the owners.


Luckily, I’m still available for the position. I have a platform that makes a lot of sense.

If named NFL commissioner, I will contract the league to at least 28 teams.

This will be accomplished by trading the Seahawks to the CFL for a box of tentacle porn, combining the Jaguars and Panthers into a single team called the Jag-Pants. The Redskins are straight up kicked out of the league. They can keep their dumb racist trademarks but they can’t be in the NFL. If Snyder wants to play, he better start his own league or join the CFL with the dumb Seahawks. And Indianapolis doesn’t get to have a team. I won’t get rid of the Colts. But the Colts have to go back to Baltimore even though the Ravens are there. So those two teams will have to fight it out. Or maybe those two and the zombie Browns that have never been good. It’s up to them to figure out who goes. Maybe all three of them go to Baltimore or all three of them leave the league and we’re stuck at 26 teams.


It’s funny how I hate Donald Trump and yet I’d be the Donald Trump of NFL commissioners if given the chance.

Every Chicago Cub Ranked, Best To Worst

May 12th, 2016

  1. Hank Aaron
  2. Andre Dawson
  3. Derrek Lee
  4. Ernie Banks
  5. Rick Sutcliffe
  6. Rogers Hornsby
  7. Hank Sauer
  8. So Taguchi
  9. Kyle Farnsworth
  10. Ron Santo
  11. Lee Smith
  12. Mark “No Surprises” Grace
  13. Rick Reuschel
  14. Carlos Zambrano
  15. Ron Cey
  16. “Airbag” Evers
  17. Lefty Sloat
  18. Sammy Sosa
  19. Turk Wendell
  20. Greg Maddux
  21. “Just” Tinker
  22. Ferguson Jenkins
  23. Anthony Rizzo
  24. Babe Ruth (probably)
  25. El Hijo del Baseball
  26. “Creep” Chance
  27. Felipe Alou
  28. Milton Bradley
  29. Terry Mulholland
  30. Keith Moreland
  31. Kusuke Fukudome
  32. Billy Ott
  33. Koyie Hill
  34. Starlin Castro
  35. Mark Prior
  36. “Kid A” Alfonso Soriano
  37. Manny Trillo
  38. Bubbles Hargrave
  39. Paranoid Android
  40. Rich Harden
  41. Mitch Williams
  42. Rafael Palmeiro
  43. Mel Hall
  44. Don Zimmer
  45. Joe Niekro
  46. Glenallen Hill
  47. Kris Bryant
  48. Goose Gossage
  49. Geovany Soto
  50. Augie Ojeda
  51. Hack Wilson
  52. Cap “Fake Plastic Trees” Anson
  53. Jimmie Foxx
  54. Gary Matthews
  55. Gary Matthews
  56. Garry Shandling
  57. Rabbit Maranville
  58. Milt Pappas
  59. Ken Holtzman
  60. Aramis Ramirez
  61. Wildfire Schulte
  62. Joe Girardi
  63. Bobby Shantz
  64. Pat Malone
  65. Bruce “Treefingers” Sutter
  66. Freddie Lindstrom
  67. Billy Williams
  68. Ken Hubbs
  69. Jerome Walton
  70. Bill Madlock
  71. Willie “Knives Out” Hernandez
  72. Jake Arrieta
  73. Candy Maldonado
  74. Larry Corcoran
  75. Gabby Hartnett
  76. Phil Cavarretta
  77. Gene “Faust Arp” Mauch
  78. Buck Herzog
  79. Jon Lester
  80. Jon Leicester
  81. Don Johnson
  82. Todd Hollandsworth
  83. Anyone Can Play Guitar
  84. Ramon Martinez
  85. Mordecai “15 Step” Brown
  86. Chuck Klein
  87. Michael Barrett
  88. Leon Durham
  89. Glenn Beckert
  90. Don Kessinger
  91. Jason Marquis
  92. Bill Lee
  93. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
  94. Bob Dernier
  95. Ted “Reckoner” Lilly
  96. Reed Johnson
  97. Darrin Jackson
  98. Darwin Barney
  99. Footer Johnson
  100. Ryne Sandberg

In the 109 seasons they officially became the Chicago Cubs, 100 people have played for the team. Some of them are Radiohead songs.

Burn Your NFL Draft Card

April 12th, 2016

Here is a cold take about the NFL Draft which is happening in about two weeks.


The draft will be held in Chicago this year. It is open to the public. Please do not attend. Are you a sports fan? Go attend something else. The NFL Draft is not a sporting event.


Every year thousands of fans flock to the draft to yell and boo at names being announced at a podium. That’s all that happens. The thirty-two NFL teams pick from a pool of eligible college football players. Every fifteen minutes they announce a team picking a player. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.


There is no reason to attend it. There’s no reason to even watch it on television. It’s a three day event. All you have to do is find out who your team picked after the draft. You don’t know who these kids are. You don’t know who the seventh-round kick returner from Northern Colorado is. That kid might be a future Super Bowl MVP. He might end up washing cars for a living. You don’t know. The pro analysts like Mel Kiper don’t know and they spend the whole year trying to figure this stuff out. They get paid a lot of money to know this stuff. You don’t have a hope in hell.


There is no sports at the NFL Draft. They read names at a podium every fifteen minutes. Nothing going on. Nobody throws a ball. Nobody kicks a ball. Nobody gets tackled. People puts on hats and hug the commissioner. That’s it. If you go to this thing I will kick you in the chest. I can’t even kick that high but I will for this exception. You fucking idiot. You wear a jersey and facepaint to the fucking draft. My stars and garters. Maybe we should shut down this whole “white male” thing.

(looks in mirror)


You know what? I’m probably being a bit harsh.

Junk Bomb JPG Blues

January 27th, 2016

I have never sent a picture of my junk to a girl. I am far too paranoid to do such a thing.

Even if I’d been asked to send a picture I still wouldn’t send a picture of it. I can just picture some girl I’m texting with hanging out with her besties, having a cold drink and joking around and waiting for me to send it. Then they get a picture of my junk and they’re like OHMYGODHEACTUALLYDIDITCANYOUBELIEVEITLOOKATTHEPOORTHINGHAHAHAHLOLOLOL.

I am too paranoid at times, but on this one I think I’m on the money. You need to be a little paranoid in order to survive. Maybe all the conspiracies that cause people to be paranoid are bunk. Maybe JFK was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald and nobody else. Maybe 9/11 was carried out by terrorists without the assistance of our government. Maybe the New England Patriots truly earned those first three titles they won with Tom Brady.

Whether or not we believe this things, we need to believe at least one thing (and I’m talking to the fellas here): if you send a girl a unsolicited picture of your junk you are flirting with disaster. For one thing, she probably didn’t expect to see it when she opened her messages. For another thing, the male genitalia do not look well in the harsh light of a phone flash. And rather than interpret your intended message of “I am a sexual man. I want to do sex with you and use this as my primary implement of fun-having”, your junk jpg will more than likely cause the gal to be. . . revulsed.


Look at Brett Favre, the poor sap. A former NFL MVP, Super Bowl winner, one of the greatest quarterbacks in history. He sent some girl a picture of his junk unsolicited. And she laughed at it! Why? For one, it was a pathetic excuse for an erection (compared in at least one comment section as resembling “a four-inch thumb”). For another thing, she wasn’t interested. She didn’t care about the MVP and Super Bowl trophies. She didn’t care about him throwing four touchdowns against the Raiders the day after his father dropped dead. She didn’t care. Know why?


Because she just wasn’t into him. He pestered her with phone messages but she wasn’t into it. Being a quarterback, Brett thought it was Hail Mary time and dropped the junk bomb via text jpg. It was needy and sad. It was pathetic. A man who had accomplished incredible things. . . acting like a goddamn fuckboi.


You can’t have any girl you want. Don’t you fucking know that already?


And the beat goes on…

The Stupid And The Weird

November 30th, 2015

Every morning I check my social media. My facebook wall and my twitter feed. This is never a good idea because a good chunk of my social media turns out to be about the news. The news is usually awful. If you really wanted to look for something to make you mad on any given day, it wouldn’t be difficult.


Discrimination and violence. The stupid and the weird.


If you reading this, you probably have to deal with the stupid and the weird in your own life. You don’t think yourself as particularly stupid or weird but may admit to having moments when you’ve been one or the other. This is normal. We’ve all locked the keys in the car while the car is still running two or three times in our life. We’ve all driven around with a five-foot cross in the backseat of the car. We’ve all worn wrestling masks to roller derby. Or maybe only I have done those things.


Stupid is when you do something that goes directly against your own best interests. For me, it’s eating junk food when I obviously don’t need an ounce of that in my diet. Other people may vote for a Governor who plans on dismantling health care because he’s Republican. Why would they do that? Because he’s a Republican? Because they associate Republicans with Christianity? Because they didn’t think it through clearly?


You will have to deal with the stupid and the weird. You may be doing it right now. I don’t know what to tell you. It’s tough out there. People sometimes make you want to pull a Robinson Crusoe and get the hell away from society. You’d rather take your chances with a hungry brown bear than go to the mall.


If you have any notions, I’ll be over here eating half a bag of Doritos in one serving.