Posts Tagged ‘sports’

Worst NFL Owners

September 6th, 2016

A partial list of NFL owners ranging from “total asshole” to “criminally evil”.

 

Stan Kroenke (L.A. Rams) – moved the Rams from St. Louis even after the city gave funds to finance stadium upgrades. The city (and the State of Missouri) is still paying that off. Like he’s missing meals to keep the team going.

 

Jim Irsay (Indianapolis Colts) – Whines to the NFL rules committee and the commissioner whenever his team loses to the Patriots in the playoffs. Totally pilled out. Buys expensive rock memorabilia. Douchebag. His dad moved the team from Baltimore in the middle of the night in 1984 like a dad going out for smokes.

 

Woody Johnson (N.Y. Jets) – Used a sham tax shelter to dodge paying $300 mil to the US Treasury. Also tough loved his bisexual daughter Casey for not getting treatment for mental health and drug issues. How’d that work out? Not well. She died.

 

Stephen Ross (Miami Dolphins) – Bought the team in 2009. Threatened to move the team if he didn’t get public money for a stadium upgrade but he failed.

 

Jed York (San Francisco 49ers) – Ran a very good coach (Jim Harbaugh) out of town and then ran the 49ers themselves out of the SF/Oakland area. Now they play in Santa Clara. Inherited the team, running it into the ground.

 

Jimmy Haslem (Cleveland Browns) – Had to pay $92 million in penalties for committing fuel rebate fraud against customers at his chain of truck stops. Also, he bought the Browns while he still owned a piece of the Steelers.

 

Bob McNair (Houston Texans) – Mitch McConnell’s largest campaign donor from 2009-2015. Opposed LGBT equality legislation in Houston. Total fuckboy.

 

Jerry Richardson (Carolina Panthers) – Has a 13-foot statue of himself outside the team’s stadium where he is flanked by two panthers. Made most of his money as a Hardee’s franchisee. Eeeww.

 

Jerry Jones (Dallas Cowboys) – No explanation necessary.

 

Zygi Wilf (Minneapolis Vikings) – Committed fraud and racketeering to the tune of $84.5 against former (obvs) business partner, including damages and interest. Another creep who lobbied for state funds to pay for a new football stadium.

 

Mark Davis (Oakland Raiders) – Inherited the team from his late father, Al “Just Win, Baby” Davis. Has a bad haircut that makes him look like either Bucky Larson or a big toe covered in Cheeto dust. Wants to move the team to Las Vegas, isn’t even hiding that shit.

 

Terry Pegula (Buffalo Bills) – Made his money from fracking. That won’t come back to hurt us later. Naaahhh.

 

Daniel Snyder (Washington) – Bought the team in 1999. Ooh boy. It has not gone well. He has not handled the criticism well, either. Also he thinks he can cut down trees near his property because they obstruct his view of the river.

 

LeBron

June 20th, 2016

I’m going to tell you a story about a hero. Heroes are hard to find. I learned that in a Fleetwood Mac song. But this hero is easy as heck to find. His name is LeBron and he plays for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

 

In the short term he doesn’t seem like a hero. A basketball star and maybe the best player in the NBA lead his team to a championship. So what? But it’s a story that goes back a long way. It goes back to when LeBron entered the NBA, a fresh-faced high schooler out of Akron, Ohio. Drafted by the Cavaliers, dubbed “King James”, the next Michael, the next Kobe. But his path is far more interesting than their paths.

 

If you really want to go back, you can aim the prelude beginning in 1989 when the best player in NBA played for the Bulls and the Cavaliers were another team he had to go through in order to be the best. A moment called “The Shot”.

 

 

It was the beginning of a rivalry that would continue for years but history records Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls as on the upswing while the Cleveland Cavaliers would eventually begin a decline that didn’t cease until the drafting of LeBron in 2003.

 

Cleveland, the sad city in decline. A decades-long joke of a city. Championship barren in professional for the last fifty-two years. The Browns, Indians, and Cavs had all failed to bring home a title for five decades. The city was cursed, in sports and in life.

 

LeBron James spent a good amount of his NBA career as the villain. It started in 2007 when LeBron’s Cavs failed in the NBA Finals. It continued when the Cavs failed to make it back to the Finals and was confirmed when LeBron needed a prime-time ESPN special to decide he’d take his talents to the Miami Heat where he would win two NBA championships. Without Cleveland, which faltered without him.

 

A local boy leaves his hometown team a failure and comes back from Miami a man, leading his team to two straight Finals and a championship in 2016.

 

A championship! In Cleveland? In 2016? Really? It happened. And it couldn’t have happened without the villainous foils of the Golden State Warriors. The Oakland Google dingbats. A nice area overran by the tech community. Ugh. The snobs vs. the slobs. And LeBron is the slob captain even if he’s not a slob at all. Even if he’s a near-billionaire. Because it’s a redemption story. And the industrial town vs. the tech community city.

 

LeBron is a hero for being the man who helped break the curse for Cleveland. It took a lot for one guy to burden. It took leaving and playing the villain. But when you see a hundred thousand people dancing on the street after Game 7, you realize what impact a hero can have.

Burn Your NFL Draft Card

April 12th, 2016

Here is a cold take about the NFL Draft which is happening in about two weeks.

 

The draft will be held in Chicago this year. It is open to the public. Please do not attend. Are you a sports fan? Go attend something else. The NFL Draft is not a sporting event.

 

Every year thousands of fans flock to the draft to yell and boo at names being announced at a podium. That’s all that happens. The thirty-two NFL teams pick from a pool of eligible college football players. Every fifteen minutes they announce a team picking a player. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

 

There is no reason to attend it. There’s no reason to even watch it on television. It’s a three day event. All you have to do is find out who your team picked after the draft. You don’t know who these kids are. You don’t know who the seventh-round kick returner from Northern Colorado is. That kid might be a future Super Bowl MVP. He might end up washing cars for a living. You don’t know. The pro analysts like Mel Kiper don’t know and they spend the whole year trying to figure this stuff out. They get paid a lot of money to know this stuff. You don’t have a hope in hell.

 

There is no sports at the NFL Draft. They read names at a podium every fifteen minutes. Nothing going on. Nobody throws a ball. Nobody kicks a ball. Nobody gets tackled. People puts on hats and hug the commissioner. That’s it. If you go to this thing I will kick you in the chest. I can’t even kick that high but I will for this exception. You fucking idiot. You wear a jersey and facepaint to the fucking draft. My stars and garters. Maybe we should shut down this whole “white male” thing.

(looks in mirror)

 

You know what? I’m probably being a bit harsh.

Tiger Woods: A Reflection

January 26th, 2015

What a corny motherfucker he turned out to be, huh?

 

It’s been over five years since all that came out. November 2009, he got fucked up and crashed the Escalade into a tree while Elin tried to bust his teeth out with a five-iron.

 

Five years ago, I had a different feeling about this. Like maybe these girls had sold him out, dimed out and told tales for a few pieces of silver. Now I feel like one dick move leads to another, and if anybody got paid good for them.

 

"Lindz, your tits aren't big enough." "I can change!"

“Lindz, your tits aren’t big enough.”
“I can change!”

 

At least three of those girls were porn stars. Porn stars are “stars” like Subway’s employees are “artists” who happen to work on sandwiches. Porn is a hard dollar to earn. Some of them girls get power-fucked while in a full-nelson. You ever had someone work their arms under your shoulders and lock hands behind your neck raising your arms? That’s a full-nelson, and it’s a wrestling maneuver. Hurts like hell when enough pressure is applied. Now imagine taking a dick during that? That’s part of the territory in the porn biz.

 

There’s a lot of lessons to be taken from this, and I don’t know if anyone is interested in looking back now since there are so many other subjects to give a hot take to (Deflategate, #CancelWWENetwork, the size of Justin Bieber’s man-clit). Here’s a lesson: YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.

 

Honestly, who wouldn’t want to bang hookers, strippers, “models”, porn stars and trashy waitresses? That’s the American dream, we all want that. But you can’t root around in the land of promiscuity while trying to be a family man. You certainly can’t do that and allow yourself to be presented as something else. Jon Jones is trying to do the same thing right now. He wants the public to believe he’s a hard-working, decent Christian man who loves his family. But he’s not. As I type this, he’s got a line of coke on his hard dick and probably two or three ethnic women’s titties in his face. Don’t be a hypocrite. Don’t lie to the people. Don’t lie to your loved ones. You can’t have it both ways.

 

Jon Jones' favorite Ween song? "Fat Lenny".

Jon Jones’ favorite Ween song? “Fat Lenny”.

 

Also, fuck buddies need to have their situation straight. A mutual understanding. Are you casual? Is there potential for more beyond casual sex? The lines have to be drawn and understood by both parties. Part of that is not stringing people along, especially if you’re the one in control. If you have everything and they have nothing and you shut them down and dump them, what the fuck do you expect? If you’re going to be like that, just stick with escorts where there is an obvious “work-for-hire” relationship.

 

You broke-knee bitch-made motherfucker. Your soul is sick and you suck at golf. You still have that hangdog look on your face because you learned the big lesson that you can have the world and it still isn’t enough. Don’t like that medicine, do you?