Posts Tagged ‘silly’

I Wrote Rap Lyrics for a Bjork Remix

May 19th, 2015

In 2004, Bjork released her sixth studio album, Medulla. One of the songs on this album, “Triumph Of The Heart” was released as a single early the next year, where it charted in the United Kingdom, Spain and France.


That’s where I come in. In 2005, I was really starting to get the Kentucky Prophet thing underway and what better way to kick off a hot career in hip-hop by collaborating by an internationally recognized artist like Bjork.



As you can imagine, my work with Bjork was ill-fated, in the sense that I never got to collaborate with her and she has no idea I exist TO THIS DAY. Since it’s been over ten years since this would-be collaboration fell through, I feel comfortable sharing with you the lyrics I would have used for the remix.


I realize now that this was not my best work but you have to keep in mind this was 2004/2005-ish and while my lyrics lack a certain grace(?), fragility (?), talent (?), they are certainly in keeping with some popular variations of the rap form. Now that I’ve got the apology out of the way. . .


Yo Bork, I hear you from Iceland

Lemme go there, make it Paradiseland

Make it Very Niceland

Don’t give birth to kids, let your pussy be a vice grip

Let me in that tight shit

Rock you like a hurricane

Like a scorpio with a paranoid android membrane

Shout out to Thom Yorke, Bork.

Let me give you radio head, get you radio play

Every soldier in the Army of Me gotta get laid

Hey Bork, I know you wildin’

In the airport passin’ out violence

From the Medulla oblon-gotta get up in the guts

Oooh baby let me squeeze your butt

Light the menorah

Blow your brains out like that stalker in Florida

I believe that this is the jam of the year

Motherfuck Lars Von Trier

Mike’s Classy Porno

August 19th, 2014

This is Mike’s Classy Porno (est. 2014) and we run a class operation.



Pornography has been around before the printing press. As long as people have been drawing on caves, they have been drawing things for each other to masturbate to. The cavemen made it alright without speculum shots of a woman’s innards and Mike’s Classy Porno will continue in that tradition.


First things first: we will not be swishing cum in our mouths. I’ll repeat that, and elaborate: WE WILL NOT BE SWISHING CUM IN AND OUT OF OUR MOUTHS AND THE MOUTHS OF OUR FRIENDS. We are civilized human beings, not mama and baby birds.


We will also not be pouring cum on a bowl of dog food or snorting it up with a straw. We are a classy operation.


I will even go this far. Cum goes in several places. It goes on asses, it goes on titties, it goes on faces. It DOES NOT go in the love tunnel. People who are into “creampie” videos will not be catered to by Mike’s Classy Porno. Nine out of ten people who view “creampie” videos online are less likely to pay for porn.


Our productions will focus on the important things. Faces, facial expressions, emotions, feelings. The celebration of sex as a natural act. Sometimes with three partners or more than that.


Yes, there will be visible penetration. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be Mike’s Classy Porn. It would be Mike’s Classy Something Else. However, you have my personal vow as the CEO of Mike’s Classy Porn that you will never see the back of a guy’s balls in any of our videos. Unless it’s a double-penetration scene. I can’t make any promises in that instance.


Mike’s Classy Porno will support performer use of latex condoms. In fact, we will go so far as to recommend that our performers cover their entire bodies in latex. Especially over their heads.


Here at Mike’s Classy Porno, we straddle the line between graphic and unnecessarily graphic. More importantly, we straddle. And straddle. And straddle some more.

Will I Press The Button

October 13th, 2013

Questions from

My answers along with rationale as to why I would or wouldn’t press the button.


You gain ultimate power BUT you lose all ability to control your bowels. Nothing your powers can do can prevent this.

I press the button. I gain ultimate power. The world becomes my toilet. Mock my weak bladder and incontinence and I will shoot fire from my fingertips up your snout.


You get to spend the rest of your life with the person of your dreams BUT they constantly cheat on you and openly admit it once a day.


I don’t press the button. Maybe my dreams are stupid if the bitch is cheating on me constantly.


You can make extremely hilarious puns out of anything anyone says right after they say it BUT every 5 puns you make causes a random person within 100 meters to explode with confetti.


I press the button. For one thing, I never say anything funny in front of my family. They’re safe. Also to be able to kill someone with a good quip? That’s always been my dream!


Become famous all over the world BUT still not famous in your own country.


Also pressing the button here. What’s cooler than being Big In Japan? Big In Portugal? Uruguay? How fun would it be to be recognized by foreign tourists in my home country?


You become twice as smart BUT you go deaf ten minutes every hour.


No button pressing here. I don’t want to be smarter. Knowing things makes me sad. Also, I need to be able to hear. I sing in a band.


You can have sex with the someone of your dreams BUT they are a dominant shemale.


No button pressing here. Suppose the person of my dreams isn’t a dominant shemale. If the person of my dreams were a dominant shemale, then we’re in business. What if someone’s dream is to have sex with Terry Bradshaw? That guy is the opposite of a dominant shemale. I guess.


You become a God BUT you cannot eat bacon again.


Pressing the button. When one is a God, what need does one have for bacon? It is My gift to My children.