Posts Tagged ‘shame’

A Frank Talk About Porn

September 10th, 2015

There is a website and nascent movement called “Fight The New Drug” that uses the hashtag #PornKillsLove to talk about pornography as an addictive material. It seems to be targeting young people who are struggling with their budding sexuality and the temptation to look at pornography.


There’s a lot of data on that website and from my brief research it appears to be garnished with a few sprinkles of facts in order to give its’ fear-based bullshit a sheen of legitimacy.


My feelings about this type of thing are nuanced like most rational people. I’m going to try to work it out for you in real time on this post because I think teens deserve a b.s.-free dialogue about this that isn’t about foisting fear and shame on them. So think of me as your cool/weird Uncle/friend-of-parent that you never see dropping dimes on your impressionable heads.


First of all, let’s acknowledge that people can become addicted to pornography. Some people get addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, pills, gambling or any one of many other things.

For example, prolonged exposure to "Vikings Fever".

For example, prolonged exposure to “Vikings Fever”.


That does not mean that pornography is an addictive thing. Many people have watched pornography and enjoyed it without turning into a trenchcoat-clad pervert. I can’t give you any accurate numbers on this because most of the people I survey refuse to answer.


If you think you are addicted to pornography, there are ways to deal with it. Prayer probably won’t be one of them.


No one has ever grown hair on their palms because of masturbation. I’m thirty-seven and my palms are as hairless as the day I was born.


Everyone you know or meet has masturbated at least once. Every male you meet has done it more than once. Most of the girls you meet have done it more than once. Occasionally you will meet a girl who says she tried it once and didn’t enjoy it. That girl is probably lying.

This guy. Him too.

This guy. Him too.


Masturbating is fine if you do it in your room. The shower is also fine. When you get a place of your own, you’ll be able to do it anywhere in the house you want. That’s why you should want to grow up and move out.


If your folks burst into your room while you are masturbating without knocking first or warning, then they deserve to have that image burned into their brains for life. You have a right to privacy.


I haven’t talked about pornography much yet. It seems to be easier to get access to pornography now than it did in my youth. In my day, you had to look at magazine and play videotapes on VCR if you wanted to see pornography. Many of you now get smartphones before you start puberty and can look up whatever you want whenever you want in the comfort of your own room. The family VCR was in the living room. This is my version of “you kids don’t know how good you have it”.


If you worry that you are becoming desensitized by watching pornography, be warned that you can become desensitized by doing anything repeatedly. Go to school five days a week, watch TV all night, football on the weekends. When you do anything over and over again, you become desensitized to it. Come next spring, remember how you felt about beginning a new school year. How it feels like a lifetime ago. And now you just want the summer to hurry up and start.

Once upon a time, this guy went to games wearing a Vikings cap. Then it snowballed into what you see here

Once upon a time, this guy went to games wearing a Vikings cap. Then it snowballed into what you see here



Pornography does not “kill” love, whatever that means. Do you know how many people who are in love today have watched pornography? Again, the people I ask these questions to never answer and tend to call the police and say to me “get off my property”.


You are not going to turn into a feeling-less “Walking Dead” extra because you happen to enjoy visual stimulation. Eventually you will find someone you like or love and have a nice relationship with them. . . I assume. I might be the exception that proves the rule here.


In the United States, we have this thing called “community standards”. This determines whether something (a porn video) violates obscenity laws. If you’re on Redtube or Pornhub or such, you’re watching a video that is not considered obscene and criminal.


There are certain types of pornography that are outright illegal. Stuff that involves minors or animals. Redtube and Pornhub and their brethren in the streaming video business won’t allow such material on their websites because if they did they would be shut down immediately. The governments of the world don’t condone that kind of stuff, nor should they.


Nor do the production companies who make porn make obscene material. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. They make plenty of money showing consenting adults.


As for the reality of pornography. . . that’s a different kettle of fish. Pornography is not what sex is really like. If and when you have sex, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. If you try to act like the porn performers do in their scenes, you will feel silly and your partner will wonder just what the hell you think you’re doing.


Porn is a show. It’s lit in a special way. It has a music bed in the background. It’s edited to leave out the parts where someone farts or the awkward fumbling. They are professionals and performers. You are not nor should you try to be on prom night.


You know how you watch “The Bachelor” or whatever Kardashian show is on E! and you think to yourself “There’s no way they act like that in real life”? Well, the same applies to porn and sex.


Someone who has conquered both reality TV and pornography.

Someone who has conquered both reality TV and pornography.


Because porn is an industry and a business, it is also a job. The people who you watch in many of those videos are professionals and get paid to do that. This does not make them bad people or prostitutes or pimps. It’s a job and every job has good days and bad. They are not forced to do the job they are doing.


Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has watched pornography. If only to see the porn parody made about her to see if the actress looked like her (she didn’t).


Steve Jobs watched pornography. It’s in his biography, near the back I think.


President Barack Obama has watched pornography, as well. He’s probably watched the Obama porn parody that had the Sarah Palin parody actress in it.


Your parents, your teachers, leaders in the community. They’ve all seen it. Probably liked it, too. So why are you supposed to be doomed?


The Dumbest Story Of 2014

January 9th, 2014

It didn’t take very long but here it is.


Close the books, folks. 2014 already has its dumbest story. There will be plenty of contenders but we already have the winner and it took less than a week.


Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston responded Tuesday to criticism he received for the way he spoke during his postgame interview with ESPN after his Seminoles defeated Auburn 34-31.

The interview became a topic on Twitter after Dee Dee McCarron, the mother of Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron, posted a tweet in which she asked, “Am I listening to English?”

She deleted the tweet, then later tweeted an apology.


Add another layer to the stupid about this, and go straight to Wikipedia.


On November 14, 2013, the Florida State Attorney’s Office announced they were opening an investigation into a sexual assault complaint involving Winston that was originally filed on December 7, 2012. The complaint was originally investigated by the police and classified as open/inactive in February 2013 with no charges being filed. Tallahassee police stated that the complaint was made inactive “when the victim in the case broke off contact. . ., and her attorney indicated she did not want to move forward at that time”.

On December 5, 2013, state attorney Willie Meggs announced the completion of the investigation and that no charges would be filed against anyone in this case. Allegations of improper police conduct have been made by both parties, with the victim claiming to have been pressured into dropping her claim and Winston’s attorney alleging inappropriate leaks to the media.


I’m sure you will not find a dumber story this year than “mother of losing QB apologizes to probable-rapist winning QB for making fun of his mushmouthed country talk”. Although, there is still the Chris Christie deal in New Jersey with the bridges. So maybe I’m wrong.


This is going to be a dumb year, kids. Hold on tight.

Let’s Go Get Stoned

December 24th, 2013

I am unnaturally grouchy.


These are not good times to be a grouch. Not with holiday gatherings and family dinners and pleasantries. This is not the sort of thing that will do when people are trying to have a good time around you.


I’ve gotten so grouchy that I’ve begun to think marijuana isn’t a bad idea after all. Just kidding, everyone. I don’t want to smoke pot. That would be ridiculous.



But edibles? I’d be down for some edibles right about now. I could use some of Joey Diaz’s banana bread at the moment.


This man will be my spirit animal now.

This man will be my spirit animal now.


When I was a kid, the school Just Say No and D.A.R.E. always used to warn the kids that drugs would not make their problems go away. Which is true.


What they never told you was that many of the problems you will have your in your life will make you feel so powerless that you will eventually look for something to take away how much you worry about them. Hence, drugs and alcohol. Or gambling or pornography or whatever people do to escape.


2014 is going to be a personal disaster. I’m counting on it.

You Can’t Be Helped: Loving A Mariner

April 16th, 2011

Michelle asks this question on Yahoo Answers about the end of her relationship:


Why mariners can’t have a normal relationship?
I’ve been with this guy for almost one year. He said , before he will go on ship, he will set me free.Now, he will go on ship and he told me to forget him.Why did he continue this relationship ,even if he knew we will break up?Do they have net or phone service on ship?He promised me an amazing future with him and now he tells me to forget him (because he doesn’t want me to spend my life waiting for him).How’s that?I sent to him 3 mails but he didn’t answer. He wants me to hate him.He’s acting like a child,like he’s afraid talking to me on messenger.What should I do?Please help ! :(


Dear sweet Michelle,


Here’s some very sad news. Please sit down for what I am about to tell you. The life of a mariner (or sailor) is very different from the life of a civilian. Oh, boy, the nautical lifers have a code and subculture that people who sleep on solid ground can’t or don’t want to understand.


Today’s merchant ships are equipped with many of the technological upgrades that we have come to depend on in normal life. E-mail, cellphones, Skype, etc. There is no reason why you would not be able to communicate with your loved one from that standpoint. Shoot, you might even be able to get a telegraph to him if you really had to.


Have you ever heard of the term “in the barrel,” Michelle? I’ll be glad to post this note on “in the barrel” from the good people at Urban Dictionary. This particular definition has 469 likes and 27 dislikes, so it’s safe to assume this is an accepted colloquialism.


A phrase taken from a popular joke. To say someone is “in the barrel” or “taking a turn in the barrel” means it’s their turn to do an unpleasant task or to suffer an unpleasant experience. The joke is as follows:
A sailor on a Navy ship had been out to sea for weeks, and was beginning to go through sex withdrawals. Fed up with the lack of sex, he asked one of his shipmates what he did when the pressure was too much to take. “Well, there’s a barrel with a hole in it near the mop storage. When it gets to be too much for us, we use that.”

So the sailor went over to the barrel and decided to give it a go. Finding it was better than he’d expected, he began using it regularly, and his problems seemed to vanish.

After a couple of weeks, his commanding officer began to take notice, and said, “You seem to be a lot more relaxed. What’s your secret?”

The sailor, embarrassed to give a straight answer, simply said he’d been getting better rest.

“Well good, sailor. You’re going to need it,” replied the officer. “Today’s your turn in the barrel.”


Now, sweet naive Michelle, picture your boyfriend alone at sea. Alone with his pent-up sexual needs. Picture him getting his rocks off in front of a barrel with a hole in it. Then imagine him inside the barrel. Then perhaps you can understand why he can never come back to you. Because of all the ritual sodomy that occurs between men at sea.


How can this man expect you to jump into his loving arms upon docking in the harbor when the memory of widespread shipmate fraternization is on his conscience? How can he embrace you in earnest when he has made love to all those sailors with his mouth? This is why he broke up with you.


But why, Michelle? Why would he even date you in the first place if he knew it would end this way? Why go through the trouble of creating love only to end it so abruptly? Well, dear sweet Michelle, it is because he craves companionship much like any other person, whether on land or on the high seas. The mariner’s life is his, probably for a very long time, and there’s no reason to subject such a beautiful spirit such as yourself to the dark, seedy underbelly of sea life.  Especially not for the rest of your life.


You should be dating Tiger Woods. At least he’ll cheat on you with women.

Miley Cyrus vs. Rebecca Black

March 30th, 2011



According to the Daily Telegraph out of Australia, where Cyrus is planning on touring later this summer.


No circus tricks, a few costume changes and a setlist influenced by shout-outs from the crowd – for a ticket price less than $100 – will be the key ingredients of her Gypsy Heart shows.

I don’t lip-sync. I would rather someone say I sang like crap than have people see me lip-sync,” she said ahead of her June 26 Acer Arena show.

Catapulted to fame off the back of Disney’s Hannah Montana, Cyrus slammed the overnight success of YouTube phenomenons such as Rebecca Black.

It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour,” the daughter of country star Billy Ray Cyrus said.


You’ll notice that Cyrus doesn’t actually mention Black in the quote. This is still being posed by outlets as a Cyrus dis on, as the black guy in the song says, “R.B. – Rebecca Black.” Also, it’s far too easy, far too low-hanging a fruit to mention that Cyrus is the daughter of the worst singer of the 1990s, Billy Ray Cyrus and yet that was enough of a Hollywood connection to get her a TV show.


No, let’s talk about Miley Cyrus’s voice which sounds like gravel being digested by an orc while raping a dwarf. And it’s perfectly fine to say that since she says in the above quote that she’d rather be criticized as being a bad singer than being accused of faking it like Britney Spears in concert, in bed, in life. It’s acceptable to say her voice sounds like a minion of Wormtongue with a duckbilled-fist in it’s gaping ass. Miley Cyrus’ career is an atrocity and I hate it’s existence.


In a perfect world, Miley Cyrus would be doing meth in the trailer next door from me. Rebecca Black won’t be around nearly as long, and it’s no fun ripping a thirteen-year-old to shreds. Especially when every thirteen-year-old who ever existed wanted to be a rock star, even young Jesus.


You know how no one knows much about Jesus’ life between the ages of twelve and thirty? That’s when he was in his rock-star phase. I’ll blog about that some time later. Maybe right before Easter.

Garbage Dick

March 29th, 2011

Promiscuous women have all the good epithets, right? Sluts, whores, hos, skanks, village bicycles, and many more I can’t be bothered to think up right now because I’m not mad right now.


Meanwhile, promiscuous men have what? Man-whore? Mimbos?


That’s not enough to suit me. We do plenty of slut-shaming in our culture but the men get a pass. Which is a shame because menfolk are capable of some wretched shit, yaknowwutimsayingyo? I mean, statutory rape levels of bad ju-ju and beyond. We gotta be able to lump these guys into some sort of lower-tier status, if we can’t lump them into being sex offenders or just lump them in the head with a pipe.


That’s when I came across this entry from Urban Dictionary.


Garbage dick is a name you call someone who will fuck anything with 2 legs and a pulse. He has no standards and it will be apparent after you see the nasty bitches that he’s hooked up with.


I like the term “garbage dick” mostly because of the connotations with “garbage”. Too many trash-can, no-condom, thirty-one years old fucking a 16-year-old-girl pieces of shit out there in the world. These are the true pigs in our gender and we must smash them with all speed. You probably know a few, you might even be one in which case I hope your dick explodes like a toilet roll with an m80 stuck in it.


Garbage dick motherfuckers.