Posts Tagged ‘sex’

A Minor Pet Peeve

June 14th, 2017

I like breasts, gang. Don’t you? They’re a nice pleasant thing that women have and we as a people love breasts so doggone much that we have declared a veritable fatwa against breast cancer. We’ve manage to give breast cancer an entire month, the month of October, where we commercialize it and sell all kinds of pink ribbon-type merchandise in the name of finding a cure for breast cancer. We love breasts and we hate cancer especially when it is in the women’s breast.

 

We like breasts and we like nipples, too. We like seeing nipples, but if we can’t see nipples we’re okay with seeing the imprint of them under the woman’s shirt. These are known as “pokies”.

 

I hate “pokies”. The term, not the actual phenomenon. Between you and me, hard nipples poking through clothing fabric and I are on good terms. But the word “pokies” is so childish and nauseating. I don’t know who came up with it or what part of 4chan they inhabited when they did it, but I hate it. “Pokies” sounds like something that would be found in a pornographic Japanese comic book.

 

Perhaps this says more about me and my online habits than it does about anything else. I have been on the reddit more than a few times in my life, and I am familiar with the concept of celebrity nudes and near-nudes. As is my save folder. Yes, I would love to see famous women naked. That’s why I am on the Internet. But I’ll be damned if I can give a damn about areolas making a reverse bas-relief on tight clothes. I just can’t care. What am I, a child? Even a child with Internet access has seen “2 girls 1 cup”. It’s practically part of the online curriculum at this point in our advancement. Even if you are in the celebrity nudes business, you’re not going to get a lot of traction with “pokies”. Or you shouldn’t.

 

Maybe I’m just aghast at childish nomenclature of the female body in sexual terms as I grow older. I am almost forty for crying out loud.

 

Besides, “nipplage” is a way better term.

Performance Anxiety In Bed

June 6th, 2017

I have an embarrassing story to tell and it’s a story that many men will understand but will not want to admit aloud.

 

Performance anxiety in bed is a thing that happens to fellers sometimes, when they’re in bed making sweet love with a lady. It’s not something that we want to think about because us guys, we don’t like to think about our brains getting in the way of our weiners. But it happens sometimes and it happened to me and I’m going to tell you about it or at least my side of it. Because it happened to me while I was making love to a semi-famous person.

 

Before I tell my story, I should warn you fellers that if you were to get lucky and hit the sexual jackpot and make it with a famous female celebrity, this might happen to you. You think about all the crazy things you’d do to Megan Fox or Jennifer Lawrence or Sam Elliott if you’re a gay kind of feller. The truth is. . . you would crack under the pressure of trying to satisfy them. Having Jennifer Love Hewitt scrolling through her smart phone while you sweat and grunt on top of her, not even looking or paying attention to you, making you feel like a pathetic failure of a man. Failing to get even the most minute rises out of Adriana Lima or Kate Upton and giving up with a floppy unerect wiener and a face full of tears. That would be you, my dear friend.

 

This happened to me, dear friend. But I have a good excuse. Because I was making love to Louise Mensch, the member of British Parliament, author, blogger, and conspiracy theorist.

 

 

We were at her place, in her bed, doin’ the deed. Or I was, or at least trying to, while she glared at me. Within a few minutes, she asked me if I was a Russian operative.

 

I’m not a Russian operative. But I figure that’s a question that should’ve been asked earlier in the evening before the clothes came off. There are certain questions sex partners should ask before doing it for the first time, and that’s not typically one of them but if it’s that important to her, then she should ask it. I would be way more interested in knowing if my sex partners have any diseases or are in a relationship at the moment. But that’s me.

 

Sure enough, within a few days of our encounter, she was on Twitter calling me an operative of the Russian government. I promise I’m not. Turns out she calls a lot of people that and never shows any proof of it. It’s kinda like calling somebody a witch.

 

I have no idea if she has slept with all of the people she has accused of being a Russian spy. I don’t believe Louise Mensch is a giant sloot. I just believe that she thinks I’m a dickhead who can’t satisfy her and thus tarred me as a traitor to my home country.

 

If you’re not in the mood to have sex, don’t have sex. You put pressure on a feller.

The Pain, The Endless Agony

December 4th, 2016

 

A story no one will like, in tweet form.

 

 

Tomi Lahren, this is you eight years from now.

Tomi Lahren, this is you eight years from now.

A Frank Talk About Porn

September 10th, 2015

There is a website and nascent movement called “Fight The New Drug” that uses the hashtag #PornKillsLove to talk about pornography as an addictive material. It seems to be targeting young people who are struggling with their budding sexuality and the temptation to look at pornography.

 

There’s a lot of data on that website and from my brief research it appears to be garnished with a few sprinkles of facts in order to give its’ fear-based bullshit a sheen of legitimacy.

 

My feelings about this type of thing are nuanced like most rational people. I’m going to try to work it out for you in real time on this post because I think teens deserve a b.s.-free dialogue about this that isn’t about foisting fear and shame on them. So think of me as your cool/weird Uncle/friend-of-parent that you never see dropping dimes on your impressionable heads.

 

First of all, let’s acknowledge that people can become addicted to pornography. Some people get addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, pills, gambling or any one of many other things.

For example, prolonged exposure to "Vikings Fever".

For example, prolonged exposure to “Vikings Fever”.

 

That does not mean that pornography is an addictive thing. Many people have watched pornography and enjoyed it without turning into a trenchcoat-clad pervert. I can’t give you any accurate numbers on this because most of the people I survey refuse to answer.

 

If you think you are addicted to pornography, there are ways to deal with it. Prayer probably won’t be one of them.

 

No one has ever grown hair on their palms because of masturbation. I’m thirty-seven and my palms are as hairless as the day I was born.

 

Everyone you know or meet has masturbated at least once. Every male you meet has done it more than once. Most of the girls you meet have done it more than once. Occasionally you will meet a girl who says she tried it once and didn’t enjoy it. That girl is probably lying.

This guy. Him too.

This guy. Him too.

 

Masturbating is fine if you do it in your room. The shower is also fine. When you get a place of your own, you’ll be able to do it anywhere in the house you want. That’s why you should want to grow up and move out.

 

If your folks burst into your room while you are masturbating without knocking first or warning, then they deserve to have that image burned into their brains for life. You have a right to privacy.

 

I haven’t talked about pornography much yet. It seems to be easier to get access to pornography now than it did in my youth. In my day, you had to look at magazine and play videotapes on VCR if you wanted to see pornography. Many of you now get smartphones before you start puberty and can look up whatever you want whenever you want in the comfort of your own room. The family VCR was in the living room. This is my version of “you kids don’t know how good you have it”.

 

If you worry that you are becoming desensitized by watching pornography, be warned that you can become desensitized by doing anything repeatedly. Go to school five days a week, watch TV all night, football on the weekends. When you do anything over and over again, you become desensitized to it. Come next spring, remember how you felt about beginning a new school year. How it feels like a lifetime ago. And now you just want the summer to hurry up and start.

Once upon a time, this guy went to games wearing a Vikings cap. Then it snowballed into what you see here

Once upon a time, this guy went to games wearing a Vikings cap. Then it snowballed into what you see here

 

 

Pornography does not “kill” love, whatever that means. Do you know how many people who are in love today have watched pornography? Again, the people I ask these questions to never answer and tend to call the police and say to me “get off my property”.

 

You are not going to turn into a feeling-less “Walking Dead” extra because you happen to enjoy visual stimulation. Eventually you will find someone you like or love and have a nice relationship with them. . . I assume. I might be the exception that proves the rule here.

 

In the United States, we have this thing called “community standards”. This determines whether something (a porn video) violates obscenity laws. If you’re on Redtube or Pornhub or such, you’re watching a video that is not considered obscene and criminal.

 

There are certain types of pornography that are outright illegal. Stuff that involves minors or animals. Redtube and Pornhub and their brethren in the streaming video business won’t allow such material on their websites because if they did they would be shut down immediately. The governments of the world don’t condone that kind of stuff, nor should they.

 

Nor do the production companies who make porn make obscene material. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. They make plenty of money showing consenting adults.

 

As for the reality of pornography. . . that’s a different kettle of fish. Pornography is not what sex is really like. If and when you have sex, you’ll understand what I’m talking about. If you try to act like the porn performers do in their scenes, you will feel silly and your partner will wonder just what the hell you think you’re doing.

 

Porn is a show. It’s lit in a special way. It has a music bed in the background. It’s edited to leave out the parts where someone farts or the awkward fumbling. They are professionals and performers. You are not nor should you try to be on prom night.

 

You know how you watch “The Bachelor” or whatever Kardashian show is on E! and you think to yourself “There’s no way they act like that in real life”? Well, the same applies to porn and sex.

 

Someone who has conquered both reality TV and pornography.

Someone who has conquered both reality TV and pornography.

 

Because porn is an industry and a business, it is also a job. The people who you watch in many of those videos are professionals and get paid to do that. This does not make them bad people or prostitutes or pimps. It’s a job and every job has good days and bad. They are not forced to do the job they are doing.

 

Former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has watched pornography. If only to see the porn parody made about her to see if the actress looked like her (she didn’t).

 

Steve Jobs watched pornography.┬áIt’s in his biography, near the back I think.

 

President Barack Obama has watched pornography, as well. He’s probably watched the Obama porn parody that had the Sarah Palin parody actress in it.

 

Your parents, your teachers, leaders in the community. They’ve all seen it. Probably liked it, too. So why are you supposed to be doomed?

 

Pariah

August 25th, 2015

It was hard to be a non-drinker in the social circle. “You don’t drink? Oh, you’re straight edge.” No, I wasn’t straight edge. I just didn’t drink. I still don’t. Nor did/do I have problem with other people drinking. I never thought I was better than anyone else for not drinking or taking drugs. Maybe somebody thought I did.

 

Every thing I have ever done has been done the hard way. I spent 90% of the time trying to find an easy way to do things, then spent the remaining 10% doing it the hard way. That’s hard work, you know.

 

It’s hard to pick up girls when you don’t drink and they do. There’s always a wall between me and the people who drink. Always a standoffishness that is never hinted at because I am not engaging in the same get-loose activity as them. What am I, a tattletale? Believe me, I know a lot of things that I don’t speak about. Not to mention the story of how drunk or high you got and how badly you behaved yourself is so boring. You know who else drank too much, threw up, pissed the bed, and put the cat in the fridge? A lot of people. Whether you called your ex at three in the morning or woke up with an electrical tape Hitler mustache and not known how it got there, it’s been done. It’s not even generational. It is as evergreen as. . . evergreen.

 

“I can’t have sex with this girl. She’s too drunk.” That’s me, Mr. Sober who can’t get his wick dipped because his date drank two pitchers with jello shots. Nobody goes to the bar to not drink except me because I sing in a band that plays bar.

 

I used to be a non-drinker in the social circle but I’ve solved that problem. I simply don’t go out anymore. My band hasn’t played a bar gig in over a year. Take that, you drunks. I hope I’m not harshing your mellow.

No Thanks, Ronda

March 1st, 2015

Ronda Rousey is a pro MMA fighter, a UFC champion, a star in her field. Some people find her sexy.

 

Mixed martial arts fighter UFC bantamweight champion, Ronda Rousey poses during a weight in at the Honda Center in Anaheim, Calif., Friday, Feb. 22, 2013. Rousey will face off Liz Carmouche in the main event at UFC 157 at the Honda Center on Saturday Feb. 23, in the first women's bout in the UFC promotion's history.(AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes) ORG XMIT: CADD109

 

Not me. Ronda Rousey scares me. Ronda Rousey could rip my arm out of socket and beat me over the head with it. I can’t work up a boner thinking about someone who could kill me.

 

I’m not saying she isn’t pretty. I can certainly see why someone would find her attractive. But I look at her and I can’t imagine her on top of me smothering me with kisses. If you can, please illustrate it and send it to me.

 

For the people who have more imagination that I do, what is the appeal? Is it that she’s a pretty girl? Is it that she’s a pretty girl who can beat you up? Do you want her to beat you up? Or do you want to be the one to tame the wild beast with your inflammed genitalia? You too, girls.

 

This is one of those moments that reminds me that what gets people aroused is staggering. Some people seek someone to dominate them. Some seek to dominate. Some want to dress up like animals. Some people masturbate to “My Little Pony”. Some people are chubby chasers and those are the most frightening of all.

 

My fantasies are dialed down. Give me someone who has a flaw or two. Give me a girl who is pretty but not too pretty. Not some inhumanly hot chick who makes me loath myself even more than usual. Especially if they could kill me like I was in the movie Species.

Mike’s Classy Porno

August 19th, 2014

This is Mike’s Classy Porno (est. 2014) and we run a class operation.

mikeclassy

 

Pornography has been around before the printing press. As long as people have been drawing on caves, they have been drawing things for each other to masturbate to. The cavemen made it alright without speculum shots of a woman’s innards and Mike’s Classy Porno will continue in that tradition.

 

First things first: we will not be swishing cum in our mouths. I’ll repeat that, and elaborate: WE WILL NOT BE SWISHING CUM IN AND OUT OF OUR MOUTHS AND THE MOUTHS OF OUR FRIENDS. We are civilized human beings, not mama and baby birds.

 

We will also not be pouring cum on a bowl of dog food or snorting it up with a straw. We are a classy operation.

 

I will even go this far. Cum goes in several places. It goes on asses, it goes on titties, it goes on faces. It DOES NOT go in the love tunnel. People who are into “creampie” videos will not be catered to by Mike’s Classy Porno. Nine out of ten people who view “creampie” videos online are less likely to pay for porn.

 

Our productions will focus on the important things. Faces, facial expressions, emotions, feelings. The celebration of sex as a natural act. Sometimes with three partners or more than that.

 

Yes, there will be visible penetration. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be Mike’s Classy Porn. It would be Mike’s Classy Something Else. However, you have my personal vow as the CEO of Mike’s Classy Porn that you will never see the back of a guy’s balls in any of our videos. Unless it’s a double-penetration scene. I can’t make any promises in that instance.

 

Mike’s Classy Porno will support performer use of latex condoms. In fact, we will go so far as to recommend that our performers cover their entire bodies in latex. Especially over their heads.

 

Here at Mike’s Classy Porno, we straddle the line between graphic and unnecessarily graphic. More importantly, we straddle. And straddle. And straddle some more.

Music To Have Occult Sex Rituals To

April 7th, 2013

I’ll give you my choice: “Selected Ambient Works Volume 2” by Aphex Twin.

 

Back in my day, we used to call these this “album artwork”

 

Reason number one: It’s a two-disc set that plays for two hours and forty-five minutes. Put it on shuffle if you want but if you need longer than that to perform occult sex orgies, I envy your stamina.

 

Reason number two: It sounds like orgy background music. I don’t know for sure. I’ve only been to one swingers club in my life and they played pop and country hits like a bunch of popular rubes. Wouldn’t you rather have some dark ambient music to listen to for this special occasion? Perhaps a song you won’t encounter on a regular basis?

 

Aleister Crowley does not fornicate to Nickelback.

 

When you’re at the store and “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa comes on over the loudspeaker, do you want to be taken back to the time that same song played while you were in the dungeon. . . chained to the wall, being flogged by Mistress Jessika, while the one-thumbed black German man greases down a power drill with a phallic attachment for your impending punishment?

 

Do you really want “Whatta Man” to be in your head when that happens?

 

I just made myself precum.

 

 

November Youtube Mixtape For Broads

November 1st, 2012

Guys don’t make mixtapes for other dudes. I assume. Maybe the gay guys do. Can’t discount them, no you can’t. No 20% off the homo-men.

 

Let’s do this. November Youtube Mixtape that I’m making for girls. This goes out to all of you. I love you. Let’s put our fingers in each other. You’ll get about eighty minutes of Youtube links and that’s it.

 

1. King Crimson, “Starless” (12.19)

 

A good way to start a mixtape is with a track that ended the actual album it was released on. You’re welcome. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I decided to post a few really long songs on this like a lazy bum even though this was my idea and I have no obligation to do this.

 

2. Tom Waits, “Rainbirds” (3.15)

 

I just wanted to prove before things get out of hand that I sometimes listen to music created after 1980. This is another song that concludes an album. Also, an instrumental.

 

3. The Delfonics, “Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time” (3.34)

 

No, this is not that song from that Tarantino movie (yes it is). Shut up, bitch.

 

4. Jim Balcom, “Corrido Rock” (2.18)


Another instrumental, but it’s festive. How long will it take before I post Thomas Edison’s wire recordings?

 

5. Joe Cocker, “Woman To Woman” (4.28)

 

No, this is not the song from that Dr. Dre and 2Pac joint. Girl, you so stupid. By the way, I enjoy how (apart from “woman to woman”) Joe Cocker sings this without using a single word of English.

 

6. Loose Joints, “Is It All Over My Face” (11.57)

 

I know I posted this a few weeks ago, but I might as well put this in here. You’re getting some long tracks because fuck it that’s why. I don’t need a reason. Let’s dance and then let me put my hands in your pants.

 

Yes, you will be saying this song title later but in a different context.

 

7. National Lampoon, “Deteriorata” (4.19)

 

You’re doomed. Your life is over. Enjoy it. You are a fluke a the universe. You have no right to be here. Want me to take my cock out?

 

8. George Clinton, “Atomic Dog” (4.15)

 

Girl, this is NOT a cover of that Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg song. Are you gonna let me put my tongue in there or not?

 

9. SSION, “My Love Grows In The Dark” (3.54)

 

I am contractually bound to post something from this century. How do you feel about anal play? What if you do it to me first?

 

10. Marvin Gaye, “After The Dance” (5.12)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0KFRp3CMVg

 

Okay, we should definitely be having sex right now. I should have all my urine in your anal cavity or at least a good amount thereof. That’s how sex is done, right?

 

11. Nine Inch Nails, “The Perfect Drug” (5.21)

 

I would have posted a song from The Downward Spiral but that’s more of a gangbang album than a one-on-one sex album. I know this because of some videos I’ve seen on Xhamster.

 

12. R. Stevie Moore, “Answers” (3.30)

 

Would you hurry up and cum already? My hand is getting tired. You know what? Go ahead and get your Wand. Call out your uncle’s name for all I care.

 

13. Residents, “Six Things To A Cycle” (17.47)

 

Here’s what I play when I want to get rid of the girl after sex even if I’m at her house. If she stays and listens, second date. If she really likes it and wants to hear more, marriage material.

An Open Letter To Meryl Streep

February 26th, 2012

Dear Meryl,

I don’t need to tell you what a legendary figure you are in the world of cinema. You have three Oscars and eight Golden Globes, perhaps the most decorated actress in modern movie history. You’re on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, you’re a Kennedy Center Honoree. You have played iconic characters from Kramer vs. Kramer all the way to The Iron Lady. You were the Devil who wore Prada and you were awesome as Julia Child in a shitty movie about some modern chick who tries to learn how to cook. Silkwood. I mean, Silkwood. C’mon.

 

But you have never done a porn film. Listen to me, don’t click away. . . YOU HAVE NEVER DONE A HARDCORE SEX SCENE IN THE CHARACTER OF JULIA CHILD!

 

It’s not too late, Meryl. You’re sixty-two. You’ve continued to create great work where so many actresses have been dumped into the trash pile. It’s a double-standard, Hollywood and life in general. Men age gracefully and continue to get work and women can’t get good work on screen after they lose their white hotness. It’s not fair but you beat the system because you’re good. You’re so good at what you do that you’re practically untouchable. And I think that your career would not at all be damaged by doing a HARDCORE INTERRACIAL SEX SCENE WHILE IN THE CHARACTER OF JULIA CHILD.

 

Spread-eagled? Awww yeah!

 

Let’s be honest. Julia Child deserves a biopic, not the “Julie and Julia” crap that Hollywood tried to sell us. You nailed Julia Child. Like a boss, like Rick Ross even (he’s a rapper, that’s a cultural reference, ignore it ma’am). And now it’s time for a full feature about Julia Child.

 

I carry a mallet 'cause I love to bang!

 

But there should be one scene where Julia Child has sex. You can even keep most of your clothes on. I just think it would be funny and awesome if you whinnied like a horse while getting drilled, some guy hunched over you while on all fours. Let’s keep it artistic, for the squares.

 

Should you decide (and you won’t) that this is worth exploring, please do not ask Penny Marshall to direct.