Posts Tagged ‘Ron Bennington’

Junk Bomb JPG Blues

January 27th, 2016

I have never sent a picture of my junk to a girl. I am far too paranoid to do such a thing.

Even if I’d been asked to send a picture I still wouldn’t send a picture of it. I can just picture some girl I’m texting with hanging out with her besties, having a cold drink and joking around and waiting for me to send it. Then they get a picture of my junk and they’re like OHMYGODHEACTUALLYDIDITCANYOUBELIEVEITLOOKATTHEPOORTHINGHAHAHAHLOLOLOL.

I am too paranoid at times, but on this one I think I’m on the money. You need to be a little paranoid in order to survive. Maybe all the conspiracies that cause people to be paranoid are bunk. Maybe JFK was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald and nobody else. Maybe 9/11 was carried out by terrorists without the assistance of our government. Maybe the New England Patriots truly earned those first three titles they won with Tom Brady.

Whether or not we believe this things, we need to believe at least one thing (and I’m talking to the fellas here): if you send a girl a unsolicited picture of your junk you are flirting with disaster. For one thing, she probably didn’t expect to see it when she opened her messages. For another thing, the male genitalia do not look well in the harsh light of a phone flash. And rather than interpret your intended message of “I am a sexual man. I want to do sex with you and use this as my primary implement of fun-having”, your junk jpg will more than likely cause the gal to be. . . revulsed.

 

Look at Brett Favre, the poor sap. A former NFL MVP, Super Bowl winner, one of the greatest quarterbacks in history. He sent some girl a picture of his junk unsolicited. And she laughed at it! Why? For one, it was a pathetic excuse for an erection (compared in at least one comment section as resembling “a four-inch thumb”). For another thing, she wasn’t interested. She didn’t care about the MVP and Super Bowl trophies. She didn’t care about him throwing four touchdowns against the Raiders the day after his father dropped dead. She didn’t care. Know why?

 

Because she just wasn’t into him. He pestered her with phone messages but she wasn’t into it. Being a quarterback, Brett thought it was Hail Mary time and dropped the junk bomb via text jpg. It was needy and sad. It was pathetic. A man who had accomplished incredible things. . . acting like a goddamn fuckboi.

 

You can’t have any girl you want. Don’t you fucking know that already?

 

And the beat goes on…

I Have So Much To Learn

March 29th, 2015

 

The nature of true love, as discussed years ago on an episode of Ron & Fez, a popular talk-radio show.

 

Fez has a ideal of what true love means. Fez, as of this 2009 broadcast, is a closeted gay and middle-age virgin. Fez keeps referring to “the secret” which is not the wish-fulfillment scheme that has sold a ton of books but is actually his homosexuality which he has only told Ron about but the show’s staff and listeners seem to know anyway. Ron, his worldly radio partner, picks apart his logic.

 

I tried to clean up the transcription, so it’s not 100% accurate. Emphasis is mine.

 

Fez: “You wouldn’t want any other person. I would think it would be because you couldn’t replicate true love with somebody else. True romantic love.”
Ron: “What about people who get married many times in their lives?”

Fez: “I think probably only one of those is someone’s true love.”

Ron: “Interesting.”

Fez: “. . . and the other one is maybe like – there’s obviously love and a need for wanting that kind of companionship but I don’t know if they’re all – like, if somebody gets married three, four times, all three of four are true love.”

Ron: “So you just really see the fairy tale thing?”

Fez: “Yeah, I think so.”

Ron: “Interesting considering that in all the fairy tales, these are traditional relationships. And a lot of the reasons why people are against alternative things is because they don’t fit into the traditional values.”

 

(Fez to a polyamorous caller who talks about the peaceful co-existence with her husband and boyfriend)

Fez: “I think you probably do have one true love out of the two of them. I bet there’s one that you do love more than the other. Maybe it’s on a very micro level but I would bet that you do.”

Ron: “Why do you, of all people, want to put anyone else in a box?. . . Do you see that you should be on the side of alternativeness?”

Fez:”Yes, I understand that, but. . .”

Ron: “And yet you’re telling her (about her lifestyle) that you don’t give her any credibility.  That what fucking kills me. . . do you see how Southern conservative you really are? Despite all the things that, you claim to be you create these boxes not just for yourself to live in but everybody else.”

 

Ron (left) and Fez.

Ron (left) and Fez.

(on Fez’s concept of having “one true love”)

Ron: “Why is this concept so important to you?”

Fez: Um. . . I think it’s that one overwhelming feeling of love that one person can produce in you.

Ron: “And you’ve never had it yet?”

Fez: “Mmm. . . I’ve probably had it but not where it was reciprocated.”

Ron: “So that wouldn’t be true love.”

Fez: “Right, yeah.”

Ron: “So you haven’t had it. In your way of thinking, you haven’t had it?”

Fez: I have not had it.

Ron: “So why would your heart be broke if your standard is there’s only one person for you? And the second that person says ‘I am not for you’, why wouldn’t you just go ‘Oh good because that means you’re not the one and the one is out there’?”

Fez: “Well I mean, there’s still an awful lot of love involved.”

Ron: “But it’s not true love. If there’s such a thing as true love, nothing else would matter. If your concept of true love existed, nothing else would matter.”

 

Fez: “. . . I do think that true love is just something that is going to smack me in the face.”

Ron: “But why? Why would you be given this? Dinner doesn’t smack you in the face. You have to earn dinner. A clean home doesn’t smack you in the face. Nothing else is a gift that falls down from heaven. Why do we confuse the fact of this ‘true love’ thing? Why would that be something that must be built, like everything else in life?”

 

There are a lot of people in the world who aren’t closeted asexual middle-aged virgins (like Fez) but they believe in this concept of “one true love”. I myself have felt this way. Still clung to the idea of finding my one true love. The “there’s somebody for everybody” logic which isn’t logic but a sad piece of blind hope. We tell the lie to each other, we tell it to ourselves. The blind leading the blind. Or the blind taking suggestions from the tone-deaf, or something.

 

Fez talks about his feelings of love, unreciprocated love, unrequited love, infatuation, you name it. He produces a list of people he held feelings for in the past, just so Ron can see it and tell him he has “taste for shit” in crushes. Then he talks right through Fez Whatley in 2009 and begins talking to me in the middle of the night in March 2015 and I have to stop and put myself up for examination. Fez never told any of his crushes how he felt about them, and I did only when it was too late, out of desperation.

 

Ron: “Here is the weird thing: Not one of these people knows how Fez felt about them. All these people thought that they were, um. . . friends, buddies. . .”

Fez: “Never mentioned it.”

Ron: “All these people except for one are still very much in Fez’s life today, and still have no idea. And some of these go back decades.”

Fez: “That’s the irony of it.”

Ron: “. . .I think you’re an entertaining person, and only I know three of the four (people on this list). DULLEST people you’d ever meet in your life! Oh, you’re sicker than you thought.”

 

Ron: “You never even told any of those people. I mean, being rejected builds character. To just hang around for years on end, taking this something from someone without giving anything is the strange thing.”

Fez: “Well, I think I was, like, giving friendship-”

Ron: “That’s dishonesty. And we’ve talked about this many times. If I start to hang out (with a chick) and I had feelings for her and never told her, eventually that would be dishonest. In other words, (she would think) ‘I have a good buddy in Ronnie B’ and it would not be true. . . At a certain point, once you start to have these feelings. . . it doesn’t have to happen at that moment but you have to say to yourself ‘I have to tell this person where I’m coming from’. Particularly, um. . . Fez, when you saw that person, uh, being in other relationships, right? Did it kill you?”

Fez: “Uhm, yeah. Most of the time. Yeah, and a lot of the times, I still wasn’t you know, even being honest about that. You know, I thought it was just like ‘I can’t stand that person that they hang out with.”

Ron: “It’s hard to tiptoe around.”

Fez: “And that’s what I was doing then. A lot of tiptoeing.”

 

Pictured: Unusually good at tiptoeing for a big man.

Pictured: Unusually good at tiptoeing for a big man.

I have done a lot of tiptoeing around girls I had crushes on. Some of them I never told until it was far too late. Some I never told. I don’t have anything real. I might as well be Fez right now. Lonely, sad, asexual. Except for the gay thing I am Fez. I wear the same clothes over and over again. I bunker down and close myself off from people. I hide my true feelings. I am in a pit of despair. I’m on Youtube listening to a radio program from six years ago. Where am I in life?

 

In 2012, Fez Whatley came out of the closet on an episode of Ron & Fez. He is still a virgin, and has at least eleven stents in his body due to heart-related conditions.

 

 

 

 

Some Wisdom From Ron Bennington

October 9th, 2013

“Our fucking presidential voting is rigged and people are up in arms because Chris Daughtry might have to become the lead singer of Fuel.”
“The reason why conservatives love [“Sympathy For The Devil” by the Rolling Stones] so much is because a black man was stabbed to death while it was playing at Altamont.”

 

(on radio programming) “Pick Your Stones Weekend? How about a little creativity, you fucks? Give us something to work with!”

 

“I don’t even think a homeless person wants to drink a Mountain Dew.”

 

John Mayer: I actually owned a bear suit before the show.

Ron: Sure, why wouldn’t you?

 

(on the old days of radio) “Record [label] guys that would take you to the fuckin’ best steakhouse… We always used to say ‘This one doesn’t smell like a hit. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong… Give it a listen. Only an album in here. Seems a little light to get airplay.”

 

It’s one thing to have a childhood dream, but it should never really come true.

 

“The middle-aged thing is a lie. First of all, did you even expect to be this old? I was shocked. I was shocked at twenty-one. I go, ‘how did this happen to me?’

 

“I’ve never laughed at the I’m-pulling-my-ass-out joke. When a guy does that, it’s the easy laugh. I’m not one of those people. But I’m gonna flip the script here. I think when a woman moons, she’s saying ‘This is where I want the dick to go’…now that’s a double-standard. But it’s a double standard, I’m sorry post-feminist world, I can’t seem to get my head around here.”

 

“The guy who goes to Japan is the don’t-give-a-fuck guy. You where? I’m in Japan. What are you doing in Japan? Living my life!”

 

“I don’t know everything about songwriting, but I don’t think you should ever have the word ‘cancer’ in your song.”

 

“You can’t play the Clarence Darrow role while talking about underage cameltoe. ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I implore you. . . look into your hearts, sir! Are you going to ask this cameltoe for a birth certificate? I believe not!‘”

 

(on bottle service) “I’m spending $500 for a table, it looks I’m wasting money. . . Fuck them and their bottle. I got a bottle right now for about $22. And no brand name on it either.”

 

“It’s a game you cannot win, that’s the thing with alcohol and you don’t know which sip is the one that puts you over the edge. . . You’re having fun, everybody’s having fun. And then suddenly, time travel. . . And then your friends that you drink with are like ‘I dunno, dude. . . you had your thumb up my cat’s ass and you were laughing about it. I was begging you to stop. The last thing you did cool was try to jump over that bike.

 

One time I literally came out of a blackout while I was awake and I remember this was a New Year’s Day. The girl that I was with was crying. I’m driving on the sidewalk and she’s screaming “YOU’RE GOING TO KILL US.” I’m looking at her and like I pull back onto the road and I’m like, “whoa, calm down, what’s going on, how did all this. . .?” And I had to say to her, “Why am I driving?”