Posts Tagged ‘old stuff’

Too Vague

May 26th, 2016

I had a lot on my mind this week but not everything on my mind ends up here. Otherwise this website would be updated hourly, at least daily. I try to have at least twenty-four thoughts a day. Most days I make it.

 

My bedroom closet is a mess, so I’ve spent about a half-day cleaning stuff out of it. I have more stuff than I have space to put the garbage in. No nearby dumpsters. It’s not garbage. Just old stuff. My past is in this closet. I’m not a fan of my past. Or maybe my past isn’t that bad compared to right now and I don’t want to think about that. Either way, I’m going to try to take out at least one or two garbage bags of closet stuff per week.

 

I have a rack of old clothes that could be given away to a nearby place. Bags and bags worth. I guess I saved them in case I lost weight. Forget it. Too optimistic right now. Optimism is a luxury, like getting a flu shot.

 

If your parents raised you right, you’ll grow up and understand that your parents weren’t and aren’t perfect. They did and do the best they can but have flaws and problems. That is what separates family from all those other people in your life that you write off because of one thing they do. Or one thing they believe that you cannot bring yourself to ignore.

 

Is this about my mom? Not so much. She did a phenomenal job considering she got no support from my birth father. This is about YOU being the adult for once.

 

There’s another reason why I wouldn’t want to be a parent and it’s been under my nose the whole time: that I would let my children down so often that they ceased to believe in me. I hate letting people down anyway, never mind potential offspring.

 

There’s so much more to say but not here. It involves other people and their business, and that would be not be fair to them. Moments when you need a friend to talk to, a shoulder to lean on.

 

But I end up being the shoulder. I’m always the shoulder in the end. One of you just be my damn shoulder for a little while. You know who you are.

Another TV Show Pitch

August 17th, 2015

In 2004 or so I had an idea for a animated comedy show that I wanted to pitch for Adult Swim. I never did, because I had no idea how to get in touch with them. Not that it would have mattered. I wanted to write it down before I throw out this notebook.

 

Benny, the Bad-Acting Bear, has a contract to be a spokesperson (spokesbear) for a Canadian beer. He has frequent dialysis treatments for his bad kidneys due to excessive beer drinking. He works as an actor and leans on his agent (a amoral turtle who slept with Benny’s wife) to get him better acting gigs.

 

Episode 1

Benny gets a gig as a mascot for a professional football team, the Chicago Kodiaks. Because he isn’t a Kodiak bear, he is dressed and made up to resemble such. He collapses from exhaustion on the field during a game.

 

Episode 2

The murder mystery. A dead prostitute is found in Benny’s bed, forcing Benny to piece together the mystery of how she ended up there. He comes to the realization that he fell asleep on top of her in the middle of the night and she suffocated. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police, upon realizing they are dealing with a famous beer-drinking bear, help Benny dispose of the body.

 

Episode 3

Big Sam, the famous ice cream bar bear, is on his deathbed. Benny visits him and they have a conversation where Big Sam gives him his blessing to replace him as the face of a famous brand of ice cream bars. Benny goes to audition to become the new ice cream bar bear but loses the part to an animated bear voiced by a human actor.

 

Episode 4

Benny has to protect his job when a special interest group demands he be replaced by a polar bear as the spokesperson for the famous Canadian beer.

 

Episode 5

Benny is jealous of the grunting Coco, who shills for Coco-Cola during Christmas season. Unlike Benny, Coco is not capable of speaking and only grunts.  This drives Benny crazy.

 

Episode 6

Turtle books Benny to perform at a nudist colony. He is booked as a wrestling bear, which he does not know how to do. Benny is intimidated by all the nudity.

 

Episode 7

In an attempt to avoid being typecast, Benny hires a screenwriter to develop a project for him to shop to movie and TV studios. The screenwriter is a hack and the best he can produce is a script titled “Bear Bearson: Backwoods Bear Detective”, which Benny fails to sell.

 

Episode 8

Benny gets into legal trouble and has to go to court, where he is sentenced to anger management therapy, where he understands he has repressed anger from Turtle sleeping with his then-wife.

 

Episode 9

Turtle books Benny what Benny is told is a “reality show” but is actually a group of hunters who kill for sport. Benny assumes this is a hidden-camera show as he avoids being shot.

Internet On Your Phone

August 16th, 2015

(written years ago when not everybody had internet on their phone. . . inspired by someone bragging about the internet on their phone, someone who shall remain nameless. . . found in a very old notebook that is about to be thrown out)

 

You’ve got the Internet on your phone.

Isn’t that something?

You think you’re better than me? Do ya? Huh? Punk?

The way you said it makes me think you wanted my hair to blow back and trumpets blaring from the sky

Like you’re King Arthur and you just pulled the sword out of the Stone

But you didn’t pull a sword out of stone

You have the Internet On Your Phone

And now you can act like you’re hot stuff

Not everybody can be so lucky

Some people don’t have clothes, shoes, a place to live

Some people are sick and crippled, unable to leave their own house

And you get mad when you can’t get wi-fi

Well let me break out my big crying cloth

Yeah, I got a big crying cloth

So big I can wrap it around your neck and choke you with it.

Yeah, how would you like that? How about I take that phone from you and use the Internet WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION Huh?

You think you’re better than me.

You probably think you’re better than President Abraham Lincoln.

He only freed the slaves

But you have the Internet on your phone

You could make Alexander Graham bell poop his pants if he saw that thing. He would look at you with a furrowed brow and say Did I invent that?

And you’d say “talk to the hand” because A.G. Bell never invented the Internet on your phone

If Thomas Edison saw your phone he would think the aliens won the war vs. Earth and forced us to carry these little boxes as a sign of our forced subservience. We will serve the aliens like dogs, tied to each other on an invisible leash