Posts Tagged ‘Ol’ Internet Bullshit’

A Minor Pet Peeve

June 14th, 2017

I like breasts, gang. Don’t you? They’re a nice pleasant thing that women have and we as a people love breasts so doggone much that we have declared a veritable fatwa against breast cancer. We’ve manage to give breast cancer an entire month, the month of October, where we commercialize it and sell all kinds of pink ribbon-type merchandise in the name of finding a cure for breast cancer. We love breasts and we hate cancer especially when it is in the women’s breast.

 

We like breasts and we like nipples, too. We like seeing nipples, but if we can’t see nipples we’re okay with seeing the imprint of them under the woman’s shirt. These are known as “pokies”.

 

I hate “pokies”. The term, not the actual phenomenon. Between you and me, hard nipples poking through clothing fabric and I are on good terms. But the word “pokies” is so childish and nauseating. I don’t know who came up with it or what part of 4chan they inhabited when they did it, but I hate it. “Pokies” sounds like something that would be found in a pornographic Japanese comic book.

 

Perhaps this says more about me and my online habits than it does about anything else. I have been on the reddit more than a few times in my life, and I am familiar with the concept of celebrity nudes and near-nudes. As is my save folder. Yes, I would love to see famous women naked. That’s why I am on the Internet. But I’ll be damned if I can give a damn about areolas making a reverse bas-relief on tight clothes. I just can’t care. What am I, a child? Even a child with Internet access has seen “2 girls 1 cup”. It’s practically part of the online curriculum at this point in our advancement. Even if you are in the celebrity nudes business, you’re not going to get a lot of traction with “pokies”. Or you shouldn’t.

 

Maybe I’m just aghast at childish nomenclature of the female body in sexual terms as I grow older. I am almost forty for crying out loud.

 

Besides, “nipplage” is a way better term.

There’s No Way You Mean Any Of That

January 21st, 2017

Today I am going to talk about Tomi Lahren. This bimbo.

 

And make no mistake, this girl is a bimbo. Tomi Lahren is supposed to be a political commentator. Girlfriend is twenty-four years old. Yeah, and this is the only way I could ever call her “girlfriend” but she’s so hardcore right-wing that I’m glad I’m out of her league.

 

Hey, I get it. She’s a cutie. A cute little blonde, saying Fox News-ish right-wing toxic rhetoric on the Internet. Millions upon millions of views. She is a new media star. When you give people what they want they will happily greedily lap it up. There is an audience for this kind of thing. My god! New media FTW. Constast the very comely Tomi with the women of Fox News (especially post-Megyn Kelly).

 

There’s obviously an ingenious hook about Tomi Lahren. Blonde babe + Fox News rhetoric -Fox News + Internet videos = JACKPOT! The average Fox News viewer is sixty-five years old, no joke (citation needed). Tomi Lahren is great for business at the Blaze. But there’s no way she actually writes any of that stuff, does she? Somebody has to be writing her three-minute screeds for her.

 

I only say that because I watched the entirety of her appearance on the Daily Show with Trevor Noah and he walked circles around her without even trying. He tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. He gave her ample opportunity to say something/anything of substance. She didn’t. Not because she’s a girl but she’s twenty-four. What does she know about ANYTHING? What does any twenty-four year old know about anything? This is not someone who is wise beyond her years. She is typical, basic, cashing in on her looks. Hey, great. But let’s not pretend she matters.

My Attempt To Join The Borg

November 27th, 2016

Did you know you can apply for a position in the Trump administration? Folks, it’s a new era in America. It’s mo(u)rning in America and as Ronald Reagan once said, facts are stupid things. So with that in mind, I went to greatagain.gov and I applied for a job in the Trump administration as White House press secretary.

 

The way I see it, my job as WH press sec. will come with two objectives: (1) avoid saying anything truthful about the President-elect’s intentions while in office and (2) verbally abuse the assembled reporters for my own amusement. Objective #2 will be incredibly easy as my respect for the mainstream media is at an all-time low.

 

Really, media? All the stuff that’s coming out about the President-elect now could have come out at any time in the previous few months and you could have reported. But nooooo, you had to play along with the FBI’s ginned-up Hillary e-mail story. Between the Russians, the FBI and the media, no kidding we’re in this position. Now you guys are being called to Trump Tower to be yelled at off the record and you throw hosannas anytime the guy backs off from his most rabid campaign promises! “Oh, he promised not to throw Hillary in jail! Wonderful! It’s going to be a glorious Christmas! We’ll all eat the most succulent of goose meat!”

 

Anyway, here we go.

 

servingtrump

Here I am, on the road again. Here I am, on the stage.

 

embarrasstrump

This is the part where they say they’ll vet you lest there be “anything that might embarrass the President. . .”? I didn’t think that was possible.

 

Of course there’s some biographical info you always have to fill out. Name, address, whatnot. Then we get to the good stuff.

 

whymeforpressec

trumpy

 

You can’t read that so I’ll copy it for you.

Please describe why you hope to be a part of the President-elect’s administration:

Despite not agreeing with the President-elect on policy, I do share a seething contempt for the mainstream media. This is why I should be his Press Secretary.

 

This is my cover letter:

Mr. President-elect, you haunt my dreams. I cannot close my eyes without seeing your wretched face. Truly you are the bogeyman my grandmother warned me about. I now realize that the only people in America who will make good money will be the hustlers, the carnies and the lawyers. Honest work is for suckers. Even though I am a registered Democrat, that means nothing. Party allegiance and principle means nothing. You’ve proven that, sir. GFY.

 

Please describe any addition qualifications:

I am as qualified for this position as the President-elect is for his. Far less racist, though.

 

As I said, part of my job as Press Sec. would be evasion. A lot of questions will be asked by the cowardly press and I will have to field those questions. I’ve already prepared some stock answers which will be used liberally.

“I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“What the hell do you want from me?”

“I try to avoid the President.”

“You know, I wasn’t supposed to be here today.”

“You know as much as I do, buddy.”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

“Reality is subjective. Have you ever watched The Matrix?”

“The best Smashing Pumpkins non-single is ‘By Starlight’. End of story!”

“I’m not actually the Press Secretary.”

 

Every Chicago Cub Ranked, Best To Worst

May 12th, 2016

  1. Hank Aaron
  2. Andre Dawson
  3. Derrek Lee
  4. Ernie Banks
  5. Rick Sutcliffe
  6. Rogers Hornsby
  7. Hank Sauer
  8. So Taguchi
  9. Kyle Farnsworth
  10. Ron Santo
  11. Lee Smith
  12. Mark “No Surprises” Grace
  13. Rick Reuschel
  14. Carlos Zambrano
  15. Ron Cey
  16. “Airbag” Evers
  17. Lefty Sloat
  18. Sammy Sosa
  19. Turk Wendell
  20. Greg Maddux
  21. “Just” Tinker
  22. Ferguson Jenkins
  23. Anthony Rizzo
  24. Babe Ruth (probably)
  25. El Hijo del Baseball
  26. “Creep” Chance
  27. Felipe Alou
  28. Milton Bradley
  29. Terry Mulholland
  30. Keith Moreland
  31. Kusuke Fukudome
  32. Billy Ott
  33. Koyie Hill
  34. Starlin Castro
  35. Mark Prior
  36. “Kid A” Alfonso Soriano
  37. Manny Trillo
  38. Bubbles Hargrave
  39. Paranoid Android
  40. Rich Harden
  41. Mitch Williams
  42. Rafael Palmeiro
  43. Mel Hall
  44. Don Zimmer
  45. Joe Niekro
  46. Glenallen Hill
  47. Kris Bryant
  48. Goose Gossage
  49. Geovany Soto
  50. Augie Ojeda
  51. Hack Wilson
  52. Cap “Fake Plastic Trees” Anson
  53. Jimmie Foxx
  54. Gary Matthews
  55. Gary Matthews
  56. Garry Shandling
  57. Rabbit Maranville
  58. Milt Pappas
  59. Ken Holtzman
  60. Aramis Ramirez
  61. Wildfire Schulte
  62. Joe Girardi
  63. Bobby Shantz
  64. Pat Malone
  65. Bruce “Treefingers” Sutter
  66. Freddie Lindstrom
  67. Billy Williams
  68. Ken Hubbs
  69. Jerome Walton
  70. Bill Madlock
  71. Willie “Knives Out” Hernandez
  72. Jake Arrieta
  73. Candy Maldonado
  74. Larry Corcoran
  75. Gabby Hartnett
  76. Phil Cavarretta
  77. Gene “Faust Arp” Mauch
  78. Buck Herzog
  79. Jon Lester
  80. Jon Leicester
  81. Don Johnson
  82. Todd Hollandsworth
  83. Anyone Can Play Guitar
  84. Ramon Martinez
  85. Mordecai “15 Step” Brown
  86. Chuck Klein
  87. Michael Barrett
  88. Leon Durham
  89. Glenn Beckert
  90. Don Kessinger
  91. Jason Marquis
  92. Bill Lee
  93. Street Spirit (Fade Out)
  94. Bob Dernier
  95. Ted “Reckoner” Lilly
  96. Reed Johnson
  97. Darrin Jackson
  98. Darwin Barney
  99. Footer Johnson
  100. Ryne Sandberg

In the 109 seasons they officially became the Chicago Cubs, 100 people have played for the team. Some of them are Radiohead songs.

Taking Privacy Behind The Shed

August 20th, 2015

So you’ve heard about this Ashley Madison leak, right? A group of hackers stole over seven years worth of info from the Ashley Madison website, including personal information of up to 30 million customers.

 

Ashley Madison is a dating website for married people who are seeking affairs outside their marriage. Despite its hideous premise, it is a website for consenting adults. What happens between people who hook up through Ashley Madison is their own business, even if it goes against their marital bond.

 

Yesterday, a Twitter account dedicated to outing A. Madison customers from Kentucky turned up. It named names, occupations, Twitter handles and how much was paid for services. Before it was taken down that night for reasons of abuse and harassment, it gained over 7,000 followers.

 

I wasn’t one of them. I wasn’t a follower or a customer. Still, I had a look. I had a looky-loo like a gossipy hen wondering if anyone I knew was on the list. I’m not proud of myself for looking. Same thing when the Fappening happened. I looked even though the pictures were all stolen. Why do I need to see what Bar Refaeli looks like naked? It wasn’t meant for me to see. And yet I looked, just as many looked.

 

We’ve been killing our own privacy for a long time. We do it to ourselves so much. A world has been created for us to inhabit, an online world where we present a version of ourselves that doesn’t always correspond to reality. Through it we share what we choose to share with the people we choose to share it with. We are encouraged to share. We learn what we can do and it may even feel like intimate at times. And then some hackers come in and steal everything you’ve done and then want to moralize to you about what you’ve done. Thieves trying to impart wisdom. Who do they think they are? How dare a thief try to give anyone a life lesson?

 

And yet we’re not really that mad about it. It’s a poetic justice, this A. Madison thing. People who went in to betray their spouses now being betrayed by hackers and a not-impenetrable security system. It’s hard to feel sympathy for people who were specifically looking to do something wrong. “Did you know that Josh Duggar had an Ashley Madison account?” Really, I am shocked! The guy who admitted to molesting four of his sisters also tried to have an affair? Next thing you’ll say is that Charlie Manson smoked pot on occasion. I really can’t believe it.

Internet On Your Phone

August 16th, 2015

(written years ago when not everybody had internet on their phone. . . inspired by someone bragging about the internet on their phone, someone who shall remain nameless. . . found in a very old notebook that is about to be thrown out)

 

You’ve got the Internet on your phone.

Isn’t that something?

You think you’re better than me? Do ya? Huh? Punk?

The way you said it makes me think you wanted my hair to blow back and trumpets blaring from the sky

Like you’re King Arthur and you just pulled the sword out of the Stone

But you didn’t pull a sword out of stone

You have the Internet On Your Phone

And now you can act like you’re hot stuff

Not everybody can be so lucky

Some people don’t have clothes, shoes, a place to live

Some people are sick and crippled, unable to leave their own house

And you get mad when you can’t get wi-fi

Well let me break out my big crying cloth

Yeah, I got a big crying cloth

So big I can wrap it around your neck and choke you with it.

Yeah, how would you like that? How about I take that phone from you and use the Internet WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION Huh?

You think you’re better than me.

You probably think you’re better than President Abraham Lincoln.

He only freed the slaves

But you have the Internet on your phone

You could make Alexander Graham bell poop his pants if he saw that thing. He would look at you with a furrowed brow and say Did I invent that?

And you’d say “talk to the hand” because A.G. Bell never invented the Internet on your phone

If Thomas Edison saw your phone he would think the aliens won the war vs. Earth and forced us to carry these little boxes as a sign of our forced subservience. We will serve the aliens like dogs, tied to each other on an invisible leash

Wrestlers Who Sing (Meme)

May 13th, 2015

Meme time.

0a2b2544 thepopeSINGS AUSTINANDROCKSING Heymansings AMBROSECENASING jimrosssings lawlersings otungasings samoajoeandkurtsing PunkSINGS

Reddit, Simplified

March 8th, 2015

The post.

Somebody replies with a bit of a joke.

250 variation on “REKT”

 

Reddit is poison. I can’t stay off Reddit. Reddit is a time parasite. More Reddit, please.

The level of minutiae to the subreddit is mind-numbing.

Album Art Porn is not actually porn. Same with Food Porn, Earth Porn, and a bunch of other “porns”.

The porn porn is really alarming.

Before Reddit, the amount of time it took to find a video of a Japanese girl in a sailor suit peeing on someone masturbating? It took seconds. Now with Reddit, it takes milliseconds. I thought I was looking at cute pictures of sloths acting silly and before you know it I’m in Asian Golden Shower Warehouse. That’s what I get for clicking on r/Japangirlsinsailorsuitspeeingoncocks

 

Here are a few of the subreddits I found when I clicked on random.

r/Japangirlsinsailorsuitspeeingoncocksgifs

r/cumonJacksonPollacknoonewillnotice (pictures of Jackson Pollack paintings covered in ejaculate)

r/cartooncharactersmolestedbydragons

r/PeterGriffinhasadogdick (this is illustrations of Peter Griffin naked exposing his genitals which resemble that of a dog. . . unofficial)

r/RickyGervaisblurredgenitals

Lennon, Stevie, & Youtube Closed Captioning

December 8th, 2014

 

December 8th, 1980. A visibly shaken Stevie Wonder learns of the death of John Lennon while watching Monday Night Football. The announcement by football announcer Howard Cosell of Lennon’s murder is not shown so we do not get to see the exact moment of realization but we see the immediate before and after.

 

That night, Wonder goes on stage in Oakland and announces Lennon’s death to the crowd. He plays a staggered, disconnected set that night. It is amazing to see him make this announcement. He slows everything down to the point where the audience is hanging on his every word. In any other circumstance, this would be considered “showmanship”. In this case, it was necessary for Wonder to convey the gravity of the situation. One of the most important musical figures of our time, wiped out by an obsessed gunman on the front step of his apartment building. An irreplaceable part of an era now gone forever. You can’t just dash that off. “Hey, John Lennon died tonight. The name of this next song is ‘Isn’t She Lovely'”.

 

Now here’s the part where it gets funny. I ran the video through the closed captioning function at the bottom of the video and this is what closed captioning came up with. This won’t be as funny if you haven’t watched the video first. I transcribed the cc part from where Stevie is onstage struggling to break the bad news to the crowd in Oakland. This is how Youtube closed captioning interpreted that speech. Punctuation is mine.

 

Obama, huh. The. I like you acne ridden. Yeah, work. And would I not eyes who maximum men when I think my him. The you don’t know this because I’m yurman unisom didn’t I’m.

I’m I’ll people like this man. Pokemon my someone in the south. Missile 9 replies. My, I’ll tell you who I know you want you can sing this song. Songs about people like him that some unity home and Tom in harassing.

When I’ll instill my heart beating, I mom. Yes, humans. Yes, Mon. The.

This Is About Kim Kardashian, So Read It

November 15th, 2014

Hey, did you see that Paper magazine with Kim Kardashian on the cover. Did you see that big butt of hers? Go ahead, I’ll wait.

 

paper-kim-kardashian-hed-2014

Did you know that since 2008 (the first full year of full-blown Kardashian fame), both the price of gas per gallon and the unemployment rate have declined in the United States? Look it up, I’ll wait again.

 

It’s true. So, what do those facts have to do with Kim Kardashian? NOTHING! Nothing at all.

 

What I am trying to tell you is that in spite of all the Chicken Little thinkpieces that have dissected and examined this truly irrelevant (but shapely) pop culture phenomenon and all the hand-wringing about people being “famous for being famous” things are not as bad as they seem. Some people get fifteen minutes of fame. Others get unlimited minutes. The public controls it and yet no one controls it.

 

paper-kim-kardashian_612x380

I have seen some incredulous pieces about Kim K, especially since this little magazine cover came out. I have seen multiple articles connecting the dots between the Paper shoot and the tragic story of Sarah Baartman, known to the world as “Hottentot Venus”. Please do a search for “Kim Kardashian Hottentot Venus” and then attempt to figure out what the fuck they are talking about. I’ll try to sum this up: Sarah Baartman was an African slave who was taken to Europe and exhibited to large crowds who were surprised by her large buttocks. For an extra sum, attendees were allowed to poke and prod Baartman, sometimes with their canes. Baartman died in poverty in her mid-20s, and portions of her remains were kept on display for over a century after her death.

 

Kim Kardashian also has a large backside. That is exploitation.

 

It is my opinion that Kim Kardashian has as much to do with a dead Khoi woman from two centuries as she does with the price of gas per gallon or the unemployment rate, which is fuck-all. Well, the price of gas never had sex with Ray J with its’ bra, but you get the point.