Posts Tagged ‘NFL’

A Partial History Of Public Racism

March 30th, 2017

Let’s tell a story in three parts. The first part takes place in 1983, on a September game of Monday Night Football. Howard Cosell, an broadcasting institution even then, commented on a breakaway play by Redskins wideout Alvin Garrett. Cosell referred to Garrett as a “little monkey”. The exact quote was “That little monkey gets loose, doesn’t he?”

It was a controversial comment and even though Cosell defended himself and what he said as not being racist, he quit Monday Night Football after the 1983 season.

 

A few years later, CBS Sports football analyst Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder was fired from his job at The NFL Today after talking to a reporter about how blacks were superior athletes to whites and why. I’ll go ahead and post what he said. . .

 

The black is a better athlete to begin with because he’s been bred to be that way, because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs and he’s bred to be the better athlete because this goes back all the way to the Civil War when during the slave trade … the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid…

 

Ooof. CBS fired him almost immediately after that interview was broadcast.

 

If you want to be charitable, you could say that neither Cosell or Snyder were racist. You could say that Cosell was enthusiastic about Garrett’s playmaking abilities, point to his history of championing civil rights, take him at his word that he used “monkey” as a term of endearment for both white and black athletes and it was a pet name to tease his grandchildren with. You could say that Snyder wasn’t racist, take his African-American coworkers at CBS at their word that they believed him to not be racist, believe him to be a relatively uneducated man talking out of his ass about a complicated, historically painful subject that he didn’t know much about.

 

These are two examples from the world of 1980’s sports but not the only ones I could mention. Now let’s go to the present day and the political arena and the comments of Fox News pundit Bill O’Reilly. Here’s the clip from earlier this week:

 

 

This is the kind of thing that would have forced a guy out of his job in the 80’s and it should have. But we’ve allowed our society to become so desensitized to the insults of our neighbors. And why? Because people throw tantrums against being politically correct. As if it’s so hard to not be crude and insulting. Can’t you just be nice? Can’t you at least disagree with a modicum of respect? Not this guy, and not on the Fox News platform. So he totally dismisses the comments of a 78-year-old congresswoman, makes some crack about her looks and half-heartedly tries to clean it up with a “love ya” at the end like this is all in good fun. Attack an old lady on her looks, compare her hair to that of a dead entertainer’s and act like you’re above the discussion.

 

I’d like to think that if I had the good fortune that Bill O’Reilly had, his platform, his reach and following, I could do something more constructive with it than he does. I’d like to think he could too, but he can’t because he’s an obvious bully who’s scared of the other in society. He can’t deal with people who aren’t like him so he denigrates them to lower them in his and other’s eyes. Fox News has given him power and responsibility as a broadcaster and he keeps showing that he can’t handle it. So why should he get to maintain that position?

I Hope Tom Brady Gets Cancer

February 5th, 2017

I hate the Super Bowl. I hate 2017. I hate America. I hate Lady Gaga, who played the halftime show of the Super Bowl in 2017. So you can imagine just how happy I am right now.
I am utterly miserable right now. Any country that could consider Lady Gaga an artist and Donald Trump a President is no country I want to be a part of. And yet I’m here. Can’t leave even if I want to. Fuck this place. I never want to see another football game again as long as I live. I hate Tom Brady and I hope he gets prostate cancer.

 

The fucking Patriots scored twenty-five unanswered points to beat the Falcons in overtime. I hate life. I hate the Patriots. I hate God. There is no God. Life is terrible.

 

I want to tear Lady Gaga’s mansion down with a giant crane. What did she do? She sang “God Bless America” with a shitload of drones behind her and then did a medley of her hits. Nothing crazy. Nothing controversial. No special guests. No one to upstage her. No one to share even a glimmer of limelight with. Fuck her and her silly music and her safe-as-silk image. She’s as outrageous as bubble wrap. She’s as feminist as Trump is because the only thing on her mind is her and herself. Trump’s thought process is “me me me me” and don’t tell me she’s different somehow. She’s fake as a three-dollar bill tucked between falsies.

 

The Patriots win, which makes POTUS happy as a pig in shit. Fuck life and fuck him and fuck his happiness. I hope Tom Brady gets an inoperable brain tumor. I hope Bill Belichick gets arrested for possession of child porn. I hope Robert Kraft gets another Super Bowl ring stolen by Vlad Putin (he took his 2005 ring, no joke). These people are happy which should show you that storybook endings belong in a trashbin.

 

God is dead and hopefully soon we will be too. Let the monkey hit the button that sets off nuclear armageddon. I’m ready to die. I’ve seen who this world rewards and who it condemns and I don’t think we can be saved.

I Could Be The NFL Commissioner

October 27th, 2016

Space madness, 2016.

 

NFL ratings are down. On my TV, there is a NFL game on the NFL network. Thursday night football between the Tennessee Titans (3-4) against the Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4). This NFL game on the NFL network can probably also be seen on Twitter. Or it could have been in previous weeks, I’m not sure.

 

NFL ratings are down. Fewer people are watching the games on TV. Part of that might be due to the 2016 election. Part of it might be due to the NFL’s inability to enact an intelligent drug policy compared to its’ inability to deal with domestic violence in a sensitive and intelligent manner.

 

It’s also possible that people aren’t interested in seeing two lousy teams like the Jaguars and Titans playing in prime time. Only a few years ago, Thursdays were football-free until Thanksgiving. Then you could enjoy a nice Turkey Day with the Cowboys, the Lions and whoever else. And then maybe you’d have some more games throughout the rest of the season. But now there’s Thursday football all season long. It’s called “product overexposure”. And that’s why you have a 3-4 team playing a 2-4 team on Thursday night in prime time.

 

The NFL thinks the fan wants football all week all the time. So we get it Thursday, Sunday and Monday and near the end of the season we’ll get it on Saturday as well after college season ends. Like we’re just a bunch of lunkheads that have nothing going on but football to watch and bacon to eat while cry-bating into our beers because our wives left us again.

 

I’ve been waiting for the NFL bubble to burst and maybe this year is the beginning. Ratings are down eleven percent. They tried to the share the Thursday night games with Twitter and found that they couldn’t even sell commercials on Twitter for a rivalry game like Packers vs. Bears. If they couldn’t line up advertisers for a marquee matchup like that, how were they ever gonna sell ads for Titans vs. Jaguars?

 

Perhaps the sooner the whole league slides into irrelevancy the sooner the owners will can their empty-headed commissioner Roger Goodell. Maybe the next NFL commissioner will have some teeth and work in the best interest of the game, its’ players and fans, instead of being the kept boy/propaganda officer for the owners.

 

Luckily, I’m still available for the position. I have a platform that makes a lot of sense.

If named NFL commissioner, I will contract the league to at least 28 teams.

This will be accomplished by trading the Seahawks to the CFL for a box of tentacle porn, combining the Jaguars and Panthers into a single team called the Jag-Pants. The Redskins are straight up kicked out of the league. They can keep their dumb racist trademarks but they can’t be in the NFL. If Snyder wants to play, he better start his own league or join the CFL with the dumb Seahawks. And Indianapolis doesn’t get to have a team. I won’t get rid of the Colts. But the Colts have to go back to Baltimore even though the Ravens are there. So those two teams will have to fight it out. Or maybe those two and the zombie Browns that have never been good. It’s up to them to figure out who goes. Maybe all three of them go to Baltimore or all three of them leave the league and we’re stuck at 26 teams.

 

It’s funny how I hate Donald Trump and yet I’d be the Donald Trump of NFL commissioners if given the chance.

Worst NFL Owners

September 6th, 2016

A partial list of NFL owners ranging from “total asshole” to “criminally evil”.

 

Stan Kroenke (L.A. Rams) – moved the Rams from St. Louis even after the city gave funds to finance stadium upgrades. The city (and the State of Missouri) is still paying that off. Like he’s missing meals to keep the team going.

 

Jim Irsay (Indianapolis Colts) – Whines to the NFL rules committee and the commissioner whenever his team loses to the Patriots in the playoffs. Totally pilled out. Buys expensive rock memorabilia. Douchebag. His dad moved the team from Baltimore in the middle of the night in 1984 like a dad going out for smokes.

 

Woody Johnson (N.Y. Jets) – Used a sham tax shelter to dodge paying $300 mil to the US Treasury. Also tough loved his bisexual daughter Casey for not getting treatment for mental health and drug issues. How’d that work out? Not well. She died.

 

Stephen Ross (Miami Dolphins) – Bought the team in 2009. Threatened to move the team if he didn’t get public money for a stadium upgrade but he failed.

 

Jed York (San Francisco 49ers) – Ran a very good coach (Jim Harbaugh) out of town and then ran the 49ers themselves out of the SF/Oakland area. Now they play in Santa Clara. Inherited the team, running it into the ground.

 

Jimmy Haslem (Cleveland Browns) – Had to pay $92 million in penalties for committing fuel rebate fraud against customers at his chain of truck stops. Also, he bought the Browns while he still owned a piece of the Steelers.

 

Bob McNair (Houston Texans) – Mitch McConnell’s largest campaign donor from 2009-2015. Opposed LGBT equality legislation in Houston. Total fuckboy.

 

Jerry Richardson (Carolina Panthers) – Has a 13-foot statue of himself outside the team’s stadium where he is flanked by two panthers. Made most of his money as a Hardee’s franchisee. Eeeww.

 

Jerry Jones (Dallas Cowboys) – No explanation necessary.

 

Zygi Wilf (Minneapolis Vikings) – Committed fraud and racketeering to the tune of $84.5 against former (obvs) business partner, including damages and interest. Another creep who lobbied for state funds to pay for a new football stadium.

 

Mark Davis (Oakland Raiders) – Inherited the team from his late father, Al “Just Win, Baby” Davis. Has a bad haircut that makes him look like either Bucky Larson or a big toe covered in Cheeto dust. Wants to move the team to Las Vegas, isn’t even hiding that shit.

 

Terry Pegula (Buffalo Bills) – Made his money from fracking. That won’t come back to hurt us later. Naaahhh.

 

Daniel Snyder (Washington) – Bought the team in 1999. Ooh boy. It has not gone well. He has not handled the criticism well, either. Also he thinks he can cut down trees near his property because they obstruct his view of the river.

 

Burn Your NFL Draft Card

April 12th, 2016

Here is a cold take about the NFL Draft which is happening in about two weeks.

 

The draft will be held in Chicago this year. It is open to the public. Please do not attend. Are you a sports fan? Go attend something else. The NFL Draft is not a sporting event.

 

Every year thousands of fans flock to the draft to yell and boo at names being announced at a podium. That’s all that happens. The thirty-two NFL teams pick from a pool of eligible college football players. Every fifteen minutes they announce a team picking a player. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

 

There is no reason to attend it. There’s no reason to even watch it on television. It’s a three day event. All you have to do is find out who your team picked after the draft. You don’t know who these kids are. You don’t know who the seventh-round kick returner from Northern Colorado is. That kid might be a future Super Bowl MVP. He might end up washing cars for a living. You don’t know. The pro analysts like Mel Kiper don’t know and they spend the whole year trying to figure this stuff out. They get paid a lot of money to know this stuff. You don’t have a hope in hell.

 

There is no sports at the NFL Draft. They read names at a podium every fifteen minutes. Nothing going on. Nobody throws a ball. Nobody kicks a ball. Nobody gets tackled. People puts on hats and hug the commissioner. That’s it. If you go to this thing I will kick you in the chest. I can’t even kick that high but I will for this exception. You fucking idiot. You wear a jersey and facepaint to the fucking draft. My stars and garters. Maybe we should shut down this whole “white male” thing.

(looks in mirror)

 

You know what? I’m probably being a bit harsh.