September 4th, 2014
One of my favorite concert festivals is All Tomorrow’s Parties. I have never been to any of them, but I enjoy the concept of the festival. The idea being that the festival organizers allow an artist of some renown (in past years, the Flaming Lips, Matt Groening, the guy from the Afghan Whigs, the guy from Neutral Milk Hotel, to name a few) decide on who should play the festival. So it becomes their dream festival (or as much of one as can be mustered under financial and logistical concerns). Think of it like getting a look through someone’s record collection come to life, that’s All Tomorrow’s Parties.
I have never been to the festival because they usually occur far from me. Sometimes they are in Los Angeles or New York or London or Iceland. And it’s not like I’m spoiled for festivals, what with Forecastle to the north of me and Bonnaroo to the south. But ATP is a unique one because it represents a singular vision as opposed to other festivals which offer a broad variety.
I’ve given a little bit of thought to what would happen if ATP just rang me up one day and asked me to curate a festival. A guy can dream, especially knowing that the list of acts I would put together would probably draw a total of 150 paying customers. And that’s over all three days. But I made a list anyway.
In no particular order:
R. Stevie Moore
Blue Oyster Cult (probable headliner)
St. Vincent (this will be my only concession to the Pitchfork/Stereogum crowd)
Damo Suzuki Network
Yellow Magic Orchestra
Sloan (performing the entirety of Between The Bridges, which is probably not their best or most popular album)
Unknown Mortal Orchestra
Lee “Scratch” Perry
In addition to music, there will be a wrestling tent. Also we’d have a white-rapper tent but I’ll be damned if I’m going over there. I guess my ultimate goal is to make All Tomorrow’s Juggalo Gathering when you factor that stuff in.
PS – The white rappers have to pay to perform. I would have to make money back on the festival somehow. Maybe a few hundred people would come to the festival I put together here. But they would fly in from all over the world. I would make a few hundred music geeks jizz in their pants with this lineup.
As a gesture of public service, I’d hire Ceelo Green to sit in a dunk tank and charge people to throw baseballs at him, with all the proceeds going to rape crisis and prevention charities. I should also mention that there won’t be a target switch for people to hit with the baseballs, just Ceelo sitting without a fence in front of him.