Posts Tagged ‘love’

Dear Porn Star Girlfriend,

December 4th, 2015

Dear Porn Star Girlfriend,


By the time you read this, I will be gone. I packed up my things and made amscray for the road. It’s over. No hard feelings.


We’ve had a pretty good run but I think our relationship has ran its course. I remember the first night we laid in bed together, cooling down from the hot lovemaking we’d just made. Giggly in the post-coital glow, the warm fuzzies taking over us and the endorphins high as the stars in the sky. Everything felt good and right with us, but I remember saying to you, “Girl, I don’t think I got enough dick to keep you happy.” It was like I saw the end, but all the way from the beginning.



It’s true. I don’t got enough dick to keep you happy. For real, I could have a second dick as well as a butt plug growing off of my elbow and it wouldn’t be enough. Because it’s not the size or quality of said dick but the variety that does it for you.


Can’t blame you, though. I knew what I was getting into. You are a porn star. Not just a porn performer. A star, which means you are famous for it. People recognize you on the street and geek out. You’re not just a porn actress, you are a shaman of cum. Or a shamaness. You’re a witch that conjures cum out of many lonely people through the medium of streaming video and for that you should be honored.


It was exciting at first when we’d be out in public and guys (always guys) stopped in their tracks to gawk at you. Many of them approached you. They all said they were big fans and loved your work. Then they would look at me and give me a double thumbs-up. They envied me. Hell, I would too. I had the best girl in the whole wild world. Had the best girl.



Relationships are tough, no matter what you do for a living. Remember that day I called you while you were on the set to tell you my sister’s ventilator was being shut off. What a horrible day. My sister had been in a coma for months. No sign of improvement. Technically brain dead. We were keeping her body warm because. . . we couldn’t let her go? But she was gone, and it was time to accept it. I called you with tears in my eyes and you tried to reassure me. You did your level best to try to make me feel better. It was her time, you said, and we were doing the right thing. You told me you loved me and were proud of me. I sobbed like a baby. You stayed on the line with me through all my tears.


When we hung up, you went to work and got Blacked dot com.


When we first started dating, I thought it would be a nonstop party. Nothing but fun and craziness and lots of group sex with all of your female co-workers and none of my male friends. It didn’t quite work out that way, but that’s not why I’m leaving, believe it or not.


I’ve learned about myself so much since we’ve started dating and I have you to thank for that. I’ve been forced to take a look inside myself. I’ve had to reexamine what I thought was right and good and that would not have been possible without your love and support.



When I said I hoped we’d party and have crazy group sex where I was the only guy in the room, that was only the first half of the fantasy. I had hoped that one day we’d both just settle down together. Just you and me. And occasionally Kayden. But you are like a wild horse. You cannot be broken or tamed and what’s more? You shouldn’t be broken or tamed. Not by me, at least. Not by any man. When you finally decide to settle, you will do it when you are good and ready. No one is bringing you down, nor should they.


But me? I’ve had my taste of the wild life. And Kayden. And Gianna. And Zoe. And Kayden. And Mia, Pia and Zia. Not to mention Kayden. But I can’t keep up with you. I don’t just not have enough dick for you, baby. I don’t have enough heart and soul for you. Or physical endurance and flexibility. I think I’ve been a closet monogamist this whole time. How utterly pedestrian and banal, right? Well, one day you may end up feeling that way too. The guy you’re with when that happens will be one lucky s.o.b.


But alas, it is not me. So I’m leaving. Because this is your condo. I had the Dish transferred over to your name, btw. Sorry I didn’t pull my weight with the bills more.



I Have So Much To Learn

March 29th, 2015


The nature of true love, as discussed years ago on an episode of Ron & Fez, a popular talk-radio show.


Fez has a ideal of what true love means. Fez, as of this 2009 broadcast, is a closeted gay and middle-age virgin. Fez keeps referring to “the secret” which is not the wish-fulfillment scheme that has sold a ton of books but is actually his homosexuality which he has only told Ron about but the show’s staff and listeners seem to know anyway. Ron, his worldly radio partner, picks apart his logic.


I tried to clean up the transcription, so it’s not 100% accurate. Emphasis is mine.


Fez: “You wouldn’t want any other person. I would think it would be because you couldn’t replicate true love with somebody else. True romantic love.”
Ron: “What about people who get married many times in their lives?”

Fez: “I think probably only one of those is someone’s true love.”

Ron: “Interesting.”

Fez: “. . . and the other one is maybe like – there’s obviously love and a need for wanting that kind of companionship but I don’t know if they’re all – like, if somebody gets married three, four times, all three of four are true love.”

Ron: “So you just really see the fairy tale thing?”

Fez: “Yeah, I think so.”

Ron: “Interesting considering that in all the fairy tales, these are traditional relationships. And a lot of the reasons why people are against alternative things is because they don’t fit into the traditional values.”


(Fez to a polyamorous caller who talks about the peaceful co-existence with her husband and boyfriend)

Fez: “I think you probably do have one true love out of the two of them. I bet there’s one that you do love more than the other. Maybe it’s on a very micro level but I would bet that you do.”

Ron: “Why do you, of all people, want to put anyone else in a box?. . . Do you see that you should be on the side of alternativeness?”

Fez:”Yes, I understand that, but. . .”

Ron: “And yet you’re telling her (about her lifestyle) that you don’t give her any credibility.  That what fucking kills me. . . do you see how Southern conservative you really are? Despite all the things that, you claim to be you create these boxes not just for yourself to live in but everybody else.”


Ron (left) and Fez.

Ron (left) and Fez.

(on Fez’s concept of having “one true love”)

Ron: “Why is this concept so important to you?”

Fez: Um. . . I think it’s that one overwhelming feeling of love that one person can produce in you.

Ron: “And you’ve never had it yet?”

Fez: “Mmm. . . I’ve probably had it but not where it was reciprocated.”

Ron: “So that wouldn’t be true love.”

Fez: “Right, yeah.”

Ron: “So you haven’t had it. In your way of thinking, you haven’t had it?”

Fez: I have not had it.

Ron: “So why would your heart be broke if your standard is there’s only one person for you? And the second that person says ‘I am not for you’, why wouldn’t you just go ‘Oh good because that means you’re not the one and the one is out there’?”

Fez: “Well I mean, there’s still an awful lot of love involved.”

Ron: “But it’s not true love. If there’s such a thing as true love, nothing else would matter. If your concept of true love existed, nothing else would matter.”


Fez: “. . . I do think that true love is just something that is going to smack me in the face.”

Ron: “But why? Why would you be given this? Dinner doesn’t smack you in the face. You have to earn dinner. A clean home doesn’t smack you in the face. Nothing else is a gift that falls down from heaven. Why do we confuse the fact of this ‘true love’ thing? Why would that be something that must be built, like everything else in life?”


There are a lot of people in the world who aren’t closeted asexual middle-aged virgins (like Fez) but they believe in this concept of “one true love”. I myself have felt this way. Still clung to the idea of finding my one true love. The “there’s somebody for everybody” logic which isn’t logic but a sad piece of blind hope. We tell the lie to each other, we tell it to ourselves. The blind leading the blind. Or the blind taking suggestions from the tone-deaf, or something.


Fez talks about his feelings of love, unreciprocated love, unrequited love, infatuation, you name it. He produces a list of people he held feelings for in the past, just so Ron can see it and tell him he has “taste for shit” in crushes. Then he talks right through Fez Whatley in 2009 and begins talking to me in the middle of the night in March 2015 and I have to stop and put myself up for examination. Fez never told any of his crushes how he felt about them, and I did only when it was too late, out of desperation.


Ron: “Here is the weird thing: Not one of these people knows how Fez felt about them. All these people thought that they were, um. . . friends, buddies. . .”

Fez: “Never mentioned it.”

Ron: “All these people except for one are still very much in Fez’s life today, and still have no idea. And some of these go back decades.”

Fez: “That’s the irony of it.”

Ron: “. . .I think you’re an entertaining person, and only I know three of the four (people on this list). DULLEST people you’d ever meet in your life! Oh, you’re sicker than you thought.”


Ron: “You never even told any of those people. I mean, being rejected builds character. To just hang around for years on end, taking this something from someone without giving anything is the strange thing.”

Fez: “Well, I think I was, like, giving friendship-”

Ron: “That’s dishonesty. And we’ve talked about this many times. If I start to hang out (with a chick) and I had feelings for her and never told her, eventually that would be dishonest. In other words, (she would think) ‘I have a good buddy in Ronnie B’ and it would not be true. . . At a certain point, once you start to have these feelings. . . it doesn’t have to happen at that moment but you have to say to yourself ‘I have to tell this person where I’m coming from’. Particularly, um. . . Fez, when you saw that person, uh, being in other relationships, right? Did it kill you?”

Fez: “Uhm, yeah. Most of the time. Yeah, and a lot of the times, I still wasn’t you know, even being honest about that. You know, I thought it was just like ‘I can’t stand that person that they hang out with.”

Ron: “It’s hard to tiptoe around.”

Fez: “And that’s what I was doing then. A lot of tiptoeing.”


Pictured: Unusually good at tiptoeing for a big man.

Pictured: Unusually good at tiptoeing for a big man.

I have done a lot of tiptoeing around girls I had crushes on. Some of them I never told until it was far too late. Some I never told. I don’t have anything real. I might as well be Fez right now. Lonely, sad, asexual. Except for the gay thing I am Fez. I wear the same clothes over and over again. I bunker down and close myself off from people. I hide my true feelings. I am in a pit of despair. I’m on Youtube listening to a radio program from six years ago. Where am I in life?


In 2012, Fez Whatley came out of the closet on an episode of Ron & Fez. He is still a virgin, and has at least eleven stents in his body due to heart-related conditions.





The Truth About Kanye

February 9th, 2015

Kanye West Grammys

Kanye is in love. It’s obvious. You wouldn’t suspect it but everything he does is a cry for help, a cry for acknowledgement that his feelings are being understood. I get it, ‘Ye. You’re in love. She’s the most beautiful woman in the universe. She could crush entire ecosystems with a flick of the hand through those luscious locks. She moves with purpose and makes you feel like a little Timmy wearing pocket protectors like it’s junior high math club all over again.


I don’t blame you. Who wouldn’t be intimidated by She Who Is Beyonce?


Beyonce performs on her Mrs Carter world tour in Amsterdam


Oh, Kanye. You poor sap. You’re a famous rap star, songwriter and producer. You are a complex person. You contain multitudes but one look from Beyonce strips all that away. One look from her deep, thoughtful eyes into yours and all senses of self, self-image and self-consciousness go away. That is why you run on stage when other people win awards that Beyonce is nominated for. You did it in 2009 to Taylor Swift. You did it last night to Beck.


This is not about art, music, music video, or awards for such. This is about love. This is about your love for her crying out but not wanting to say it explicitly. You betray your feelings, Kanye. I get it. It’s called “unrequited love”. You are infatuated, obsessed. You want to tell her. You want to tell the world: “I AM IN LOVE WITH BEYONCE KNOWLES. I WORSHIP HER LIKE A MINION FOLLOWS AN IDOL.”


Sometimes when no one is around, you write “Beyonce West” in your notebook. Then you cross it out and write “Kanye Knowles”. Your heart fills up with joy at the very thought of being Kanye Knowles.




Who do we not seeing protesting Beyonce’s awards losses? Jay-Z. Beyonce’s husband. Because Jay-Z has Beyonce. He has the aloof confidence of a man who has the world by a string. The money, the success, the fame, the most beautiful woman in the world. You are indebted to Jay-Z, Kanye, yet you hate him and resent his happiness. Jay-Z gave you a break in show business but took away the thing you wanted most. . . her.


Put in literary terms, Beyonce is the white whale and poor Kanye is Ishmael. But Kanye will never get to harpoon her. So what does a lovestruck fisherman do when he can’t get the big catch? He looks for another white whale.




And what a whale Kanye caught. Who envies the fishermen who make these great catches? Other fishermen. It is better to be envied than it is to envy. Kanye knows this and that is why he married Kim Kardashian and sang those bizarre “Bound 2” lyrics to her face while riding a motorcycle in the video. Distract yourself with, make a baby, get weird with the most famous ass in the world.



And yet it’s not enough. As soon as you’re in the room with “her” again, everything changes. You feel your molecules going crazy inside you. Beyonce is the alpha, the omega and all in between. The world is not enough, in the words of a James Bond film.


Show business is like high school but with money.



Sometimes Nice Things Happen

September 23rd, 2013

This weekend was exceptionally and unusually pleasant.


I want you to notice the word “unusually” in the above sentence. By that sentence, you may think that I am a glowering Gus. An Eeyore in sweatpants. I deserve that.


Joyful moments and pleasant days do not have to be the rarity, the anomaly in life. They really don’t have to be. I’ll share with you the two moments that really stand out.


Friday night in was in Nashville playing a show with the band. The band before us asked me if I wanted to sing “Black Diamond” by Kiss with them. That band is called Freebase Masons, and I think they play stoner metal. Without a moment of rehearsal, I went up and sang “Black Diamond” with them like I had been doing it my whole life.


Maybe I had in some way. How many times have I heard that song? Never really heard the words to it all the way. But I NAILED THAT SONG TO THE WALL. It was glorious. I always wanted to sing a Kiss song onstage with a band. Cross that one off the bucket list I don’t have.


The next day, Fordsville Days reared its’ head again. Another local fall festival. For years I have loathed Fordsville Days, mostly because I live in the middle of it and the bandstand is literally next door from where I live. I have complained for years and it has gotten me nowhere.


This year my grandfather sat on the porch and listen to an old-time band play country and bluegrass songs from the past. As the night air cooled everything down around us, I joined him on the porch. He sat in a lawn chair with his lady friend Wilda, I sat on the porch. It was like when I was a child and they took me to Rosine to watch bluegrass bands and they were in lawn chairs and I sat on a blanket on the ground. Twenty years before. The night cooled down and I rubbed my arms. Grandpa got tired and went in to take an ibuprofen. He has more aches and pains these days. He slept in that night, as it had been a long day for him.


I enjoyed those moments. This was me reliving my youth. You want to relive the days when you’re old enough to party but don’t feel it too bad the next day. I went beyond that. I went to my childhood for a moment.


I almost got sad that I couldn’t go back. Instead I feel really good that I had it again. If we had them all the time, they don’t get to be special.

Not Ready For Romance

January 18th, 2013

I might not be ready for romance. I’m just judging on the evidence of my life so far.


Let’s look at the evidence, shall we? I am a serial non-dater. If this were something I wanted, you could classify me as an ascetic. But I would prefer to be a dater. Instead, I am one letter off and I am an “eater”. When I want a thing I can’t have, I try to fill that need with a thing I can get. People do that all the time. Some people make addictions out of it. Perhaps I have, but with food. I don’t eat every second of the day but when I eat I go overboard. I’m trying to shut up the gaping maw that is my stomach.


I’m probably not ready for love and romance. I’m not even close, am I? What a drag. If I were ready, perhaps I’d be in the moment, being in love, being in some sort of relationship.


Being in love is a great feeling until it turns into a bad feeling. It can be bad if you want someone who doesn’t want you back. You can’t make the world fair. You can’t make them love you back. If it doesn’t fit, it can’t be forced. Cows don’t make ham. I’m not ready. Booooooo. . .

November Youtube Mixtape For Broads

November 1st, 2012

Guys don’t make mixtapes for other dudes. I assume. Maybe the gay guys do. Can’t discount them, no you can’t. No 20% off the homo-men.


Let’s do this. November Youtube Mixtape that I’m making for girls. This goes out to all of you. I love you. Let’s put our fingers in each other. You’ll get about eighty minutes of Youtube links and that’s it.


1. King Crimson, “Starless” (12.19)


A good way to start a mixtape is with a track that ended the actual album it was released on. You’re welcome. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if I decided to post a few really long songs on this like a lazy bum even though this was my idea and I have no obligation to do this.


2. Tom Waits, “Rainbirds” (3.15)


I just wanted to prove before things get out of hand that I sometimes listen to music created after 1980. This is another song that concludes an album. Also, an instrumental.


3. The Delfonics, “Didn’t I Blow Your Mind This Time” (3.34)


No, this is not that song from that Tarantino movie (yes it is). Shut up, bitch.


4. Jim Balcom, “Corrido Rock” (2.18)

Another instrumental, but it’s festive. How long will it take before I post Thomas Edison’s wire recordings?


5. Joe Cocker, “Woman To Woman” (4.28)


No, this is not the song from that Dr. Dre and 2Pac joint. Girl, you so stupid. By the way, I enjoy how (apart from “woman to woman”) Joe Cocker sings this without using a single word of English.


6. Loose Joints, “Is It All Over My Face” (11.57)


I know I posted this a few weeks ago, but I might as well put this in here. You’re getting some long tracks because fuck it that’s why. I don’t need a reason. Let’s dance and then let me put my hands in your pants.


Yes, you will be saying this song title later but in a different context.


7. National Lampoon, “Deteriorata” (4.19)


You’re doomed. Your life is over. Enjoy it. You are a fluke a the universe. You have no right to be here. Want me to take my cock out?


8. George Clinton, “Atomic Dog” (4.15)


Girl, this is NOT a cover of that Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg song. Are you gonna let me put my tongue in there or not?


9. SSION, “My Love Grows In The Dark” (3.54)


I am contractually bound to post something from this century. How do you feel about anal play? What if you do it to me first?


10. Marvin Gaye, “After The Dance” (5.12)


Okay, we should definitely be having sex right now. I should have all my urine in your anal cavity or at least a good amount thereof. That’s how sex is done, right?


11. Nine Inch Nails, “The Perfect Drug” (5.21)


I would have posted a song from The Downward Spiral but that’s more of a gangbang album than a one-on-one sex album. I know this because of some videos I’ve seen on Xhamster.


12. R. Stevie Moore, “Answers” (3.30)


Would you hurry up and cum already? My hand is getting tired. You know what? Go ahead and get your Wand. Call out your uncle’s name for all I care.


13. Residents, “Six Things To A Cycle” (17.47)


Here’s what I play when I want to get rid of the girl after sex even if I’m at her house. If she stays and listens, second date. If she really likes it and wants to hear more, marriage material.

I’m Through With Women

September 3rd, 2012

Hey ladies, it’s over. I’m over women now. I had a good run. Or tried to have a good run. Or maybe I had the opposite of a good run. Anyway, I’m done with women and onto ladyboys and shemales now. Or as the politically correct types call them, the transgendered.


Yasmin Lee from "The Hangover 2". You wouldn't?

Let’s get something straight. I’m not into drag queens. No disrespect, but no matter how good a drag queen is when she takes all her clothes and accessories off she’ll be just another naked dude. What’s the fun in having sex with a man? Frankly, I don’t know how you women and gays do it.


Try not to throw yourself off a bridge, ladies. I know this is breaking your heart but you should have made better use of me while you had the chance. I could have made you very happy. I could have filled your days with affection and understanding. I could have made you soup from a can.


Bailey Jay. She will get all the soup she wants.


Right now, you ask “hey, aren’t male-to-female pre-op transsexuals a fraction of a percentage of the general population; i.e. waaaaaay more harder to meet than regular women?” And my answer is shut your mouth, stupid.


Too many times, I have liked girls who shown no interest. Or no reciprocal interest. They may think I’m a cool guy or a good pal, but the best I can do is to have them as a friend. It’s another dead end. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back. Is this what it’s like to worship God.


I got this photo and the others off a MMA message board forum. Ha!


Also, most importantly? Can’t get a chick with a dick pregnant. You know what a relief that is? I don’t have enough soup for a baby.



No Guarantees

September 3rd, 2012

I want to make something abundantly clear to those of you who think “there’s someone for everyone”. That’s not true, and there’s no guarantee of such. You can go your whole life not finding someone.


You know who thinks everybody has somebody in their future? Women do. A special type of woman, because not every woman can possibly think that. Only a woman in the warm swaddle of a relationship can feel comfortable saying such boilerplate nonsense.


There are a lot of people out here who are struggling. Wouldn’t know affection if hugged them around the neck. They’re so unused to it that it makes them uncomfortable. Or maybe it would make them sad because they feel like it won’t or can’t last. You can change the pronouns in this paragraph to “I” or “me”.


The world feels like a desert. Romantic love feels like a puddle in the desert. I’m miserable.

Song of the day: “Just A Friend”

July 22nd, 2012


Sing this shit if it ever happened to you. YOOOOOO – GOT WHAT I NEED – BUT YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND.


Oh baby, you aint dead to me. But you couldn’t be honest so now you have to relegated to that zone of untrustworthy behavior. You exhibited it again and again and while I hoped we’d be more than friends, it’s obvious that we have to work hard at just being friends in the first place. Lesson learned, baby.


Girls go groupie for the wrong musicians. Remember that.

A Milky Shoot Of Creative Juice

May 28th, 2012

You’ll have to forgive me. I’ve been gone this weekend because I was busy. Saturday and Sunday were heavy days and I probably slept about 5 hours total during a 48-hour span. I don’t mind it so much because I sleep too much anyway. Might as well go the opposite way, right?


Saturday was a roller derby bout and Sunday was band practice, both in Bowling Green. I helped call the second half of a double-header which involved my old team from Evansville. The local Bowling Green team defeated the Evansville team but that didn’t bother me. It used to, doesn’t bother me so much.


After the bout, I had ample quality time with Jen(n){n]}, the Evansville girl who I’ve had a contentious history with. Things I’ve blogged about before, like the candied bacon incident, the Pixies no-show. Those were a few of the things that came up in our chat at the after-party. I played her the song that I wrote after the bacon incident, or a demo of it. She got a kick out of it, as she oughta. It’s a funny song.


I can’t know what it’s like for the subject of one of my songs to find out that I wrote the song about them and have to sit there and listen to them as its’ played for my amusement. To have this one moment in your life, maybe one that you don’t care to remember all that well, immortalized in song. That has to be one of the hardest deals. ever. To know that someone had turned a moment in your life into a song. To know it meant that much to them. To learn that they wrote that song because they were trying to exorcise a demon inside of them. A demon that got there because of you.


There’s a lot to write about the Memorial Day weekend that was. I suggest you celebrate your M-Day the best you can, by drinking some beer, grilling out and thinking about the soldiers who made this country great. Give them about four seconds of your time. By writing this sentence, I have already thought more about the soldiers than I wanted to.