Posts Tagged ‘loss’

It’s Times Likes Right Now

May 28th, 2017

Memorial Day Eve, 2017.


My grandfather was a veteran of the Korean Conflict. Thankfully he did not see time on the battlefield or else I would not be writing this. So the proper day to honor my grandfather will be Veterans’ Day in November.


Or after snapping at a family member, because it is times like this that I miss him.


Oh Grandpa,


It’s been nearly three years since you passed. The further I get away from your passing the more I understand why I miss you. We got along pretty well for the most part, you and me. We understood each other.


We had a few flareups but it was never as frequent as it is with the rest of them. Is it me? Of course it is. Why is it that I got along way better with you than I do with them? Why did we have an understanding that I don’t have anywhere else?


I am bewildered now. You were my support system. I’m trying to put another one together but it’s difficult.


I love you and I miss you. I understand now. I’m sorry. I don’t know how you did it for so long.



My Depression Has Me

September 24th, 2016

That is the best way to describe our relationship. My depression has me. I am at its mercy.


The proper way of saying it is “I have depression” but that doesn’t feel right. Not when I have dealt with it nearly my entire life. Not when things look the way they look from my perspective. Get on my level. See it my way. Look at the situation through my eyes. Understand that depression is the owner and I am its’ pet.


Don’t focus on what you lack. Focus on what you do have. Stare at the absences, the gaps. The calendar that hasn’t been changed in over a year. It still reads April 2015 on the wall. You have a mess, you are a mess.


Things are changing, though. This is temporary. My time in Fordsville is running low. I’ll be moving to Whitesville soon enough. A lateral move is not a backward step. I don’t want to be in this trailer anymore. It’s a tribute to disarray and emptiness. I needed a brand new start two years ago. Sept 27th 2014 my grandfather passed away. I lived here with him for years. Took care of him when he needed me to. When he got too sick and frail to fend for himself. I would have done anything for him.


This is the final step. I get to finally let go of him. This is where we lived for so long and I’ll be leaving it behind. Leaving this chemical toilet town with it. I’m ready for life. I ready to fight the good fight. Where I’m no longer the bitch in my relationship to depression.


Tears will flow heavy for me. The final step in saying goodbye. You don’t have to move halfway around the world for fresh air.

#700, A Eulogy, A Love Letter

June 17th, 2015

This is the seven-hundredth post on the Kentucky Prophet website.


I have not been in a writing mode lately so I will take the time to share and link to Young Mary’s Record and the eulogy she wrote for her late boyfriend, Colonel Jon Hensley, which she read aloud at his funeral. It is funny, sad, touching and long-running like any goodbye worth bidding. No one knew him better over these last few years. Jon and Mary barely had two years together but they were closer than any couple I know. Tracy and Hepburn? Captain and Tennille? Jordan and Pippen? Amateurs, compared to Jon and Mary.


A few snippets from Mary’s eulogy, which you should read in full.


. . . he’d already been off the phone and heard me inside talking to the landlord and he knew just how my voice raised when I was happy and which one of my comments were genuine and which ones were fodder and he hadn’t even needed to come to the doorway.  “I can always read you,”  he told me.


The thing about Jon is – if he knew I had such an audience – he’d want me to have spent none of this time talking about him.  He’d have wanted me to tell you about how his mother and sister are the most beautiful and his daddy was the strongest.  He’d have wanted me to tell you about his Shooter Jennings and about how he is the most fearless  talented musician and the most loyal friend – He’d have wanted me to tell you about his Wanda Jackson – the first female to ever record rock n roll – the apple of his eye.  He would’ve wanted me to tell you that in 1980, Merle Haggard became the only non-jazz musician to be on the cover of DownBeat Jazz Magazine.   And how Dwight Yoakam is a revolutionary.  And how Marcy Playground Sex and Candy is the best pop song.  And how Bob Dylan did not suck on Letterman and if you thought so, you just don’t get it.


I laughed yesterday here in this funeral home and I saw a woman look at me, confused.  I could almost read her expression – wasn’t that the 30 year old widow? I worried immediately.  Like every other time, I’d found myself uncomfortable in social world, I immediately wished for Jon.