Posts Tagged ‘Kim Kardashian’

The Truth About Kanye

February 9th, 2015

Kanye West Grammys

Kanye is in love. It’s obvious. You wouldn’t suspect it but everything he does is a cry for help, a cry for acknowledgement that his feelings are being understood. I get it, ‘Ye. You’re in love. She’s the most beautiful woman in the universe. She could crush entire ecosystems with a flick of the hand through those luscious locks. She moves with purpose and makes you feel like a little Timmy wearing pocket protectors like it’s junior high math club all over again.


I don’t blame you. Who wouldn’t be intimidated by She Who Is Beyonce?


Beyonce performs on her Mrs Carter world tour in Amsterdam


Oh, Kanye. You poor sap. You’re a famous rap star, songwriter and producer. You are a complex person. You contain multitudes but one look from Beyonce strips all that away. One look from her deep, thoughtful eyes into yours and all senses of self, self-image and self-consciousness go away. That is why you run on stage when other people win awards that Beyonce is nominated for. You did it in 2009 to Taylor Swift. You did it last night to Beck.


This is not about art, music, music video, or awards for such. This is about love. This is about your love for her crying out but not wanting to say it explicitly. You betray your feelings, Kanye. I get it. It’s called “unrequited love”. You are infatuated, obsessed. You want to tell her. You want to tell the world: “I AM IN LOVE WITH BEYONCE KNOWLES. I WORSHIP HER LIKE A MINION FOLLOWS AN IDOL.”


Sometimes when no one is around, you write “Beyonce West” in your notebook. Then you cross it out and write “Kanye Knowles”. Your heart fills up with joy at the very thought of being Kanye Knowles.




Who do we not seeing protesting Beyonce’s awards losses? Jay-Z. Beyonce’s husband. Because Jay-Z has Beyonce. He has the aloof confidence of a man who has the world by a string. The money, the success, the fame, the most beautiful woman in the world. You are indebted to Jay-Z, Kanye, yet you hate him and resent his happiness. Jay-Z gave you a break in show business but took away the thing you wanted most. . . her.


Put in literary terms, Beyonce is the white whale and poor Kanye is Ishmael. But Kanye will never get to harpoon her. So what does a lovestruck fisherman do when he can’t get the big catch? He looks for another white whale.




And what a whale Kanye caught. Who envies the fishermen who make these great catches? Other fishermen. It is better to be envied than it is to envy. Kanye knows this and that is why he married Kim Kardashian and sang those bizarre “Bound 2” lyrics to her face while riding a motorcycle in the video. Distract yourself with, make a baby, get weird with the most famous ass in the world.



And yet it’s not enough. As soon as you’re in the room with “her” again, everything changes. You feel your molecules going crazy inside you. Beyonce is the alpha, the omega and all in between. The world is not enough, in the words of a James Bond film.


Show business is like high school but with money.



This Is About Kim Kardashian, So Read It

November 15th, 2014

Hey, did you see that Paper magazine with Kim Kardashian on the cover. Did you see that big butt of hers? Go ahead, I’ll wait.



Did you know that since 2008 (the first full year of full-blown Kardashian fame), both the price of gas per gallon and the unemployment rate have declined in the United States? Look it up, I’ll wait again.


It’s true. So, what do those facts have to do with Kim Kardashian? NOTHING! Nothing at all.


What I am trying to tell you is that in spite of all the Chicken Little thinkpieces that have dissected and examined this truly irrelevant (but shapely) pop culture phenomenon and all the hand-wringing about people being “famous for being famous” things are not as bad as they seem. Some people get fifteen minutes of fame. Others get unlimited minutes. The public controls it and yet no one controls it.



I have seen some incredulous pieces about Kim K, especially since this little magazine cover came out. I have seen multiple articles connecting the dots between the Paper shoot and the tragic story of Sarah Baartman, known to the world as “Hottentot Venus”. Please do a search for “Kim Kardashian Hottentot Venus” and then attempt to figure out what the fuck they are talking about. I’ll try to sum this up: Sarah Baartman was an African slave who was taken to Europe and exhibited to large crowds who were surprised by her large buttocks. For an extra sum, attendees were allowed to poke and prod Baartman, sometimes with their canes. Baartman died in poverty in her mid-20s, and portions of her remains were kept on display for over a century after her death.


Kim Kardashian also has a large backside. That is exploitation.


It is my opinion that Kim Kardashian has as much to do with a dead Khoi woman from two centuries as she does with the price of gas per gallon or the unemployment rate, which is fuck-all. Well, the price of gas never had sex with Ray J with its’ bra, but you get the point.

Kim Kardashian Vs. Tater Tots

March 7th, 2011

"I'm better than some crummy tater tots."


A confluence of events. I just watched Conan smash a stereo playing Kim Kardashian’s debut song and I have a plate of tater tots sitting in my fridge. Let it be known that I am no friend to the tater tot, which resembles an french fry in utero. I am also no friend to the many commercial ventures foisted upon me and the general public by Kim Kardashian. So now is the time to compare and contrast the two and see if we can figure out what is more preferable: Kim K or tater tots.


"We're tater tots. Can you dig that shit?"


Kim K has had several famous athletes inside her, in the Biblical sense.

Tater tots have been in many famous athletes, in the eating sense.


Tater tots can be cripsy or lightly browned.

Kim K is an American of Armenian descent.


Kim K has more reality shows and TV credits than tater tots.

Tater tots are more modest and personable.


Kim K just released her first song.

Tater tots can’t get a record deal.


Kim K’s song features a collaboration by The Dream.

Tater tots once had a song written about/for them to sing in the depths of a mental breakdown by Brian Wilson in the mid-70s.


Kim K has a sex tape.

Tater tots do not have a sex tape, but to be fair no one would watch a Louie Anderson sex tape.


Kim K has a nice ass.

Tater tots give a better blowjob and will call you the next day.


I don’t think I need to draw any further conclusions for you. Always take the lesser of two evils. Tater tots are gross but you won’t need a dental dam to eat them.