Posts Tagged ‘is this desire?’

Antarctica Starts Here

March 9th, 2017

The most useful aspect of this website is as a running check on my mental state. If only it were primarily a tool of artistic expression. And it may have been once upon a time. Now this website is a mere tool of survival. I’m doing the best I can, hurling words into the void. I almost feel like this is the captain’s log on a ship that is lost at sea forever, words not to be read until long after I’m dead from scurvy or mutiny.

 

I don’t know a lot of people who are happy. Most of my friends are going through some sort of crisis. Loneliness, isolation, depression, existential dread. I don’t have the ability to diagnose my state or locate the root cause of it. I’m afraid that the root cause of my problems are like those of many people, and come externally. How do you cut the strings that are pulling you to and fro? How do you gain the strength to move on your own after that? How do you live in a system that is designed to divide you, conquer you and put you at battle with those you’ve been divided from?

 

So when you’re in that state of being, how do you escape? If it’s external stimuli torturing you, does it take external stimuli to rescue you? What comforts you in the dark of the night when nothing is comforting? Where do you turn? Who loves you when you need to be loved? Who holds you when you need it? Who lies to you and tells you everything is going to be better eventually? And where is she now that I need her?

A Dark Night That Lasts Years

February 16th, 2017

A dark night of the soul. Nights of spiritual despair. Moments where you cry for relief only to find none coming. Prayers that can’t be answered immediately, if at all.

 

I have been extremely depressed lately, and not just for political reasons. Just so happens that the political stuff is the easiest to talk about since it affects us all. But we all get depressed from time to time, right? Even if you’re not given to chronic depression and anxiety like I am.

 

Tuesday was Valentine’s Day, a day for lovers and the love-struck. Not for me, it’s not. It’s just a day between February 13th and 15th. I wish it weren’t so. I wish I had a love to call my own.

 

Who will comfort me in these uncertain times? Who will tell me I’ve been spending too much time on Twitter, please come and spend time with me instead. . .?

 

I don’t talk about my personal life on this space for a very good reason: I don’t have much of a personal life. Not that I would go around blabbing like an informant every time I went on a date. . . it’s just that there aren’t very many dates.

 

I’m relatively new to Whitesville. But I’m not a social person. I’m sensitive and self-conscious. Making a connection seems nearly impossible.

 

Maybe I can’t handle it. Maybe it’s just too much pressure. I’m like one of those Japanese men who have stopped trying to find a mate. Maybe I should get a pillow with a manga babe on it to be my girlfriend.

 

Maybe this is my life. Maybe I’m alone because I’m with the only person who can stand to be with me.

“Could you be loved?” – Bob Marley. Evidently not, Bob.

 

By the way, I finally got a hair cut last week. I figured it would be good to look less like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve halfway shaved this fluff on my face into a somewhat organized look as well. I’m almost presentable.

Is There A Mr. Treasurer?

January 7th, 2016

Barely a month in to Governor Bevin’s first year in Frankfort and I’m already steamed. I practically got steam pouring out of my ears. I mean the guy has already started slashing budgets like a bureaucratic Jack The Ripper, going after the Transportation Cabinet budget. I mean it’s not like we need good roads or anything.

 

Ohhhh, hello.

 

(be still my loud beating heart, there is a lady present)

 

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You’ll have to excuse me, m’lady. It’s just that this Matt Bevin is a real creepazoid and I fear he’s going to send our state deep into the third world.

 

(gulp)

 

What’s that? You’re Allison Ball, Kentucky State Treasurer and Bevin appointee? Oh, well, how doooo you do?

 

(smile, Mike, but not too long or too hard. . . you don’t want to come off like a weirdo)

 

You’ll have to pardon me, Treasurer Ball. I just feel as if the Governor is more dedicated to a set of ideals and beliefs than he is in improving the lot of a state that ranks in the bottom third in most categories ranging from education to average income to. . .

 

You have the nicest smile.

 

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Urghm. . . no, I appreciate that the Governor has a set of principles. Don’t get me wrong. I just think that compromise is necessary sometimes, especially when making decisions that affect the lives of millions of Kentucky residents.

 

 

Allison. . . Allison. . . that’s a really nice name. Ever listen to Elvis Costello?

 

Obviously, we’re not going to see eye-to-eye ideologically. You’re a Republican and I’m. . . I wouldn’t say a Democrat although I am registered as one. I would definitely admit to leaning to the left on a lot of things. I don’t think that’s any great sin.

 

(okay, Hail Mary time, big man. . . you can do this)

 

I think we both want what’s best for Kentucky, even if we don’t necessarily agree on how to get there. That doesn’t mean we can’t reach across the aisle, if you will, and have a meaningful dialogue. You feel me?

 

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This may sound forward, but I really want to be a part of your story.

 

(Oh my God, did you really just say that?)

 

Really, Treasurer Ball, think about it. How are we going to have a dialogue if we just think of each other as these one-dimension stereotypes of liberals and conservatives? I’m not just some knee jerk tax-and-spend Obamadroid like you’re not some libertarian wackadoo Paultard. We’re both human beings, with beating hearts, and flesh and blood. . . with wants and needs. . .¬†you have needs, don’t you? I certainly do.