Posts Tagged ‘football’

Reaching Across (The Stiff-Arm)

March 13th, 2017

In this social media age, how you say something is half the problem, and the only half you control. Perception informs reality. What I think you said becomes what you said because that’s what I think you said. Strip away real world interaction where you would have to look and talk to one another and everything we say to each other is boiled down to words on a screen left for the other to interpret as they will. That is the other half of the problem, their interpretation.

When echo chambers collide

I’ve given this some thought because some of the more considerate left-wing people out there are wondering how to reach out to the Republican voter, or the Trump fan, or the self-proclaimed “conservative”. You’ll notice that I put “conservative” in quotes, there. I did that in order to distinguish between conservatives, who have a set of ideals and ideas in terms of policy and ways of governance, as opposed to “conservatives”, the kind who like making liberals mad and things that make liberals mad as if politics is some sort of Kentucky Wildcats-Louisville Cardinals bullshit.


The only thing I’ve been able to figure out is to distinguish the Republican voter from Republican leadership. Because when the bullet hit the bone, Republican voters will feel the hurt just as badly if not more. But you can’t say that the GOP is fucking up when they introduce legislation to deregulate coal companies, gut the EPA, make it easier for mentally ill people to buy guns, make it easier for employers to ask for DNA samples of their workers, etc. . . no, you can’t do that, because the little Republican snowflakes take it personally, as if you said they fucked up themselves. Just now, I referred to them as snowflakes because I’m filled with spite. . . because the voters fucked up in November and can’t see it. At least not yet.


On January 19th, the day before Trump’s inauguration, I went to see Steve Earle in Nashville. He played a long show, with a lot of in-between-song banter, mostly about the situation with the country as it stands right now. And I distinctly recall him saying near the end of the night that “people get the kind of government they deserve”. It’s been almost two months so I might be fuzzy on the exact wording, but when he said that I thought “no, no they don’t. Nobody gets what they deserve.”  Nobody deserves whatever is about to happen between now and the end of Trump’s presidency (whenever that may be), not the people who voted for him, or against him, or the people who didn’t vote at all, whether they didn’t have time to or because they couldn’t. Nobody.


There may be a better way to reach out to the other side, but I doubt you’ll get far with “conservatives” because they are still beating the drum of drinking coffee cups filled with liberal tears and posting pictures of the electoral map from 2016. It hasn’t hit them personally yet. Or maybe it has and they’re too ignorant to realize it. Either way, it’s hard to reach out to people who would stiff arm you at every opportunity.


Of course, there’s always open hostility. Whatever you think is best for the situation.

I Hope Tom Brady Gets Cancer

February 5th, 2017

I hate the Super Bowl. I hate 2017. I hate America. I hate Lady Gaga, who played the halftime show of the Super Bowl in 2017. So you can imagine just how happy I am right now.
I am utterly miserable right now. Any country that could consider Lady Gaga an artist and Donald Trump a President is no country I want to be a part of. And yet I’m here. Can’t leave even if I want to. Fuck this place. I never want to see another football game again as long as I live. I hate Tom Brady and I hope he gets prostate cancer.


The fucking Patriots scored twenty-five unanswered points to beat the Falcons in overtime. I hate life. I hate the Patriots. I hate God. There is no God. Life is terrible.


I want to tear Lady Gaga’s mansion down with a giant crane. What did she do? She sang “God Bless America” with a shitload of drones behind her and then did a medley of her hits. Nothing crazy. Nothing controversial. No special guests. No one to upstage her. No one to share even a glimmer of limelight with. Fuck her and her silly music and her safe-as-silk image. She’s as outrageous as bubble wrap. She’s as feminist as Trump is because the only thing on her mind is her and herself. Trump’s thought process is “me me me me” and don’t tell me she’s different somehow. She’s fake as a three-dollar bill tucked between falsies.


The Patriots win, which makes POTUS happy as a pig in shit. Fuck life and fuck him and fuck his happiness. I hope Tom Brady gets an inoperable brain tumor. I hope Bill Belichick gets arrested for possession of child porn. I hope Robert Kraft gets another Super Bowl ring stolen by Vlad Putin (he took his 2005 ring, no joke). These people are happy which should show you that storybook endings belong in a trashbin.


God is dead and hopefully soon we will be too. Let the monkey hit the button that sets off nuclear armageddon. I’m ready to die. I’ve seen who this world rewards and who it condemns and I don’t think we can be saved.

I Could Be The NFL Commissioner

October 27th, 2016

Space madness, 2016.


NFL ratings are down. On my TV, there is a NFL game on the NFL network. Thursday night football between the Tennessee Titans (3-4) against the Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4). This NFL game on the NFL network can probably also be seen on Twitter. Or it could have been in previous weeks, I’m not sure.


NFL ratings are down. Fewer people are watching the games on TV. Part of that might be due to the 2016 election. Part of it might be due to the NFL’s inability to enact an intelligent drug policy compared to its’ inability to deal with domestic violence in a sensitive and intelligent manner.


It’s also possible that people aren’t interested in seeing two lousy teams like the Jaguars and Titans playing in prime time. Only a few years ago, Thursdays were football-free until Thanksgiving. Then you could enjoy a nice Turkey Day with the Cowboys, the Lions and whoever else. And then maybe you’d have some more games throughout the rest of the season. But now there’s Thursday football all season long. It’s called “product overexposure”. And that’s why you have a 3-4 team playing a 2-4 team on Thursday night in prime time.


The NFL thinks the fan wants football all week all the time. So we get it Thursday, Sunday and Monday and near the end of the season we’ll get it on Saturday as well after college season ends. Like we’re just a bunch of lunkheads that have nothing going on but football to watch and bacon to eat while cry-bating into our beers because our wives left us again.


I’ve been waiting for the NFL bubble to burst and maybe this year is the beginning. Ratings are down eleven percent. They tried to the share the Thursday night games with Twitter and found that they couldn’t even sell commercials on Twitter for a rivalry game like Packers vs. Bears. If they couldn’t line up advertisers for a marquee matchup like that, how were they ever gonna sell ads for Titans vs. Jaguars?


Perhaps the sooner the whole league slides into irrelevancy the sooner the owners will can their empty-headed commissioner Roger Goodell. Maybe the next NFL commissioner will have some teeth and work in the best interest of the game, its’ players and fans, instead of being the kept boy/propaganda officer for the owners.


Luckily, I’m still available for the position. I have a platform that makes a lot of sense.

If named NFL commissioner, I will contract the league to at least 28 teams.

This will be accomplished by trading the Seahawks to the CFL for a box of tentacle porn, combining the Jaguars and Panthers into a single team called the Jag-Pants. The Redskins are straight up kicked out of the league. They can keep their dumb racist trademarks but they can’t be in the NFL. If Snyder wants to play, he better start his own league or join the CFL with the dumb Seahawks. And Indianapolis doesn’t get to have a team. I won’t get rid of the Colts. But the Colts have to go back to Baltimore even though the Ravens are there. So those two teams will have to fight it out. Or maybe those two and the zombie Browns that have never been good. It’s up to them to figure out who goes. Maybe all three of them go to Baltimore or all three of them leave the league and we’re stuck at 26 teams.


It’s funny how I hate Donald Trump and yet I’d be the Donald Trump of NFL commissioners if given the chance.

Worst NFL Owners

September 6th, 2016

A partial list of NFL owners ranging from “total asshole” to “criminally evil”.


Stan Kroenke (L.A. Rams) – moved the Rams from St. Louis even after the city gave funds to finance stadium upgrades. The city (and the State of Missouri) is still paying that off. Like he’s missing meals to keep the team going.


Jim Irsay (Indianapolis Colts) – Whines to the NFL rules committee and the commissioner whenever his team loses to the Patriots in the playoffs. Totally pilled out. Buys expensive rock memorabilia. Douchebag. His dad moved the team from Baltimore in the middle of the night in 1984 like a dad going out for smokes.


Woody Johnson (N.Y. Jets) – Used a sham tax shelter to dodge paying $300 mil to the US Treasury. Also tough loved his bisexual daughter Casey for not getting treatment for mental health and drug issues. How’d that work out? Not well. She died.


Stephen Ross (Miami Dolphins) – Bought the team in 2009. Threatened to move the team if he didn’t get public money for a stadium upgrade but he failed.


Jed York (San Francisco 49ers) – Ran a very good coach (Jim Harbaugh) out of town and then ran the 49ers themselves out of the SF/Oakland area. Now they play in Santa Clara. Inherited the team, running it into the ground.


Jimmy Haslem (Cleveland Browns) – Had to pay $92 million in penalties for committing fuel rebate fraud against customers at his chain of truck stops. Also, he bought the Browns while he still owned a piece of the Steelers.


Bob McNair (Houston Texans) – Mitch McConnell’s largest campaign donor from 2009-2015. Opposed LGBT equality legislation in Houston. Total fuckboy.


Jerry Richardson (Carolina Panthers) – Has a 13-foot statue of himself outside the team’s stadium where he is flanked by two panthers. Made most of his money as a Hardee’s franchisee. Eeeww.


Jerry Jones (Dallas Cowboys) – No explanation necessary.


Zygi Wilf (Minneapolis Vikings) – Committed fraud and racketeering to the tune of $84.5 against former (obvs) business partner, including damages and interest. Another creep who lobbied for state funds to pay for a new football stadium.


Mark Davis (Oakland Raiders) – Inherited the team from his late father, Al “Just Win, Baby” Davis. Has a bad haircut that makes him look like either Bucky Larson or a big toe covered in Cheeto dust. Wants to move the team to Las Vegas, isn’t even hiding that shit.


Terry Pegula (Buffalo Bills) – Made his money from fracking. That won’t come back to hurt us later. Naaahhh.


Daniel Snyder (Washington) – Bought the team in 1999. Ooh boy. It has not gone well. He has not handled the criticism well, either. Also he thinks he can cut down trees near his property because they obstruct his view of the river.