Posts Tagged ‘conspiracy’

Performance Anxiety In Bed

June 6th, 2017

I have an embarrassing story to tell and it’s a story that many men will understand but will not want to admit aloud.


Performance anxiety in bed is a thing that happens to fellers sometimes, when they’re in bed making sweet love with a lady. It’s not something that we want to think about because us guys, we don’t like to think about our brains getting in the way of our weiners. But it happens sometimes and it happened to me and I’m going to tell you about it or at least my side of it. Because it happened to me while I was making love to a semi-famous person.


Before I tell my story, I should warn you fellers that if you were to get lucky and hit the sexual jackpot and make it with a famous female celebrity, this might happen to you. You think about all the crazy things you’d do to Megan Fox or Jennifer Lawrence or Sam Elliott if you’re a gay kind of feller. The truth is. . . you would crack under the pressure of trying to satisfy them. Having Jennifer Love Hewitt scrolling through her smart phone while you sweat and grunt on top of her, not even looking or paying attention to you, making you feel like a pathetic failure of a man. Failing to get even the most minute rises out of Adriana Lima or Kate Upton and giving up with a floppy unerect wiener and a face full of tears. That would be you, my dear friend.


This happened to me, dear friend. But I have a good excuse. Because I was making love to Louise Mensch, the member of British Parliament, author, blogger, and conspiracy theorist.



We were at her place, in her bed, doin’ the deed. Or I was, or at least trying to, while she glared at me. Within a few minutes, she asked me if I was a Russian operative.


I’m not a Russian operative. But I figure that’s a question that should’ve been asked earlier in the evening before the clothes came off. There are certain questions sex partners should ask before doing it for the first time, and that’s not typically one of them but if it’s that important to her, then she should ask it. I would be way more interested in knowing if my sex partners have any diseases or are in a relationship at the moment. But that’s me.


Sure enough, within a few days of our encounter, she was on Twitter calling me an operative of the Russian government. I promise I’m not. Turns out she calls a lot of people that and never shows any proof of it. It’s kinda like calling somebody a witch.


I have no idea if she has slept with all of the people she has accused of being a Russian spy. I don’t believe Louise Mensch is a giant sloot. I just believe that she thinks I’m a dickhead who can’t satisfy her and thus tarred me as a traitor to my home country.


If you’re not in the mood to have sex, don’t have sex. You put pressure on a feller.

Analysis Caps On: Bombing Syria

April 7th, 2017

Yesterday morning, I ranked the five known Presidents. Donald Trump, or “Dolt 45”, as at least one Twitter wag named him, came in third behind Presidents Kushner and Pence.


Last night, the third-ranked Dolt 45 sent a flurry of nearly 60 tomahawk missiles to be dropped on a Syrian airstrip.


We need some context here.


Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad authorized sarin gas attacks on some of his own people. Over 70 people were killed. After the bombing commenced, Trump gave a brief statement from the ad-hoc press room at his estate in Florida. He read from a teleprompter and occasionally ad-libbed. MSNBC’s Brian Williams couldn’t contain his excitement as he looked at file footage of Tomahawk missiles. He even quoted a Leonard Cohen lyric.


We need even more context here.


Last week, depending on which poll you look at, Trump’s approval rating sat anywhere from 35 to 40 percent. That’s historically low for someone in the first 100 days of a new administration. Earlier in the day, Senate Republicans (and a few Democrats) voted to change the rules on approving a Supreme Court Justice from sixty votes to a mere majority of fifty-one. The Republicans eliminated the filibuster and employed the nuclear option in order to ensure the induction of Neil Gorsuch into the Supreme Court. . . a vacancy that had been unfulfilled since the death of Antonin Scalia nearly fourteen months ago during the Obama administration. Even as many of them said it would be a dark day for the Senate, Republicans like John McCain, Lindsay Graham and Rand Paul voted in favor of changing the rules permanently. They could have dumped Gorsuch and made a deal on a more mainstream candidate, perhaps, but. . . rules are rules unless they need to be changed, especially in Mitch McConnell’s eyes.


Both the Senate and House Ethics Committees are looking into potential ties between the Trump campaign/administration and the Russian government, going back several years. Many of the claims made in the infamous Buzzfeed “Pissgate” dossier have turned out to be verified (not the actual piss-related claims, though), which seemed impossible at the time. Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor, offered to testify in exchange for immunity and was rejected.  Steve Bannon, Trump chief strategist, was removed from the National Security Council. Jeff Sessions, Trump’s Attorney General, had to recuse himself from the Russian investigation after he perjured himself during testimony before a Senate subcommittee.


We now know that Trump did not solicit Congressional approval for the bombing and has received mixed reviews for his actions from both sides of the aisle. Rand Paul, who spent the previous weekend golfing with him, criticized him for not bringing this to Congress to deliberate.


In 2013, Obama wanted to attack Syria and asked for Congress approval. He did not get it. Trump attacked Syria without seeking approval first. This may have been a violation of the Constitution.


Will this mean anything? Doubtful. al-Assad will likely continue slaughtering his own people, never mind the many warring factions in Syria trying to upend and oust him. The middle east is a delicate situation and our actions don’t seem to help much. If we act tentatively, we accomplish nothing. If we go all-in like 2003 Iraq, we make things actively worse. Trump, for his part, never thought Obama should go into Syria. So much so that he tweeted about it at least a dozen times.


Obama, for all his mistakes, tried to be careful. Trump is the kind of guy who treats everything like a nail and he’s got the hammer for it. If a Muslim came to him with a case of dandruff, Trump would cure it by having him guillotined. Subtlety and modesty is not his forte.


Last night, the TV news media said Trump finally became Presidential. I’ve heard that one before. It was the night he gave the speech in front of a joint session of Congress. Within a day, the Russia deal inflammed and grew worse and any goodwill Trump gained in his reserved Congress speech evaporated. This Syrian action may likely result in a short-term gain for him and his approval rating.


And all he had to do was drop some bombs?


The non-Trumpers (like me) will never like him and never approve of him and his illegitimate actions. That leaves the diehards and the indifferent and he was steadfastly losing them. Maybe he’ll get them back for a few weeks but not for long. I still don’t think he will be President by the end of the year. There are at least three ongoing investigations on this adminstration. We are looking at a potential Summer of Impeachment.


It’s gonna be a hot one.



The USA/FM/MKUltra Conspiracy

February 13th, 2017

Guys, it’s Time For Some Game Theory

1967 – The Six-Day War in Israel, Syria, Jordan and Egypt.

1967 – Race riots in Cincinnati, Detroit, Milwaukee, Buffalo, Cambridge, Maryland and Plainfield, Michigan.

1967 – Fleetwood Mac formed by ex-John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers Peter Green in London, England, named after fellow Bluesbreakers drummer Mick Fleetwood and bassist John McVie (Green’s favorite rhythm section). Fleetwood, McVie and guitarist Jeremy Spencer fill out the group.

1968 – Martin Luther King, Jr and Robert F. Kennedy are assassinated in April and June, respectively

1968 – Richard Nixon wins the US presidential election.

1968 – “Albatross”, an instrumental by Green, becomes Fleetwood Mac’s only #1 song in England.

(l to r) 1969: John McVie, Danny Kirwan, Mick Fleetwood, Peter Green (front), Jeremy Spencer (behind)

1970 – The Beatles break up.

1970 – Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix die from drug-related complications within weeks of each other.

1970 – Four students killed by National Guard at Kent State in Ohio.

1970 – Ted Cruz born.

1970 – Peter Green leaves Fleetwood Mac, the band he founded.


1971 – COINTELPRO, a covert (often illegal) FBI surveillance program, is exposed after stolen dossiers are passed to news agencies.

1971 – President Nixon takes US dollar off the gold standard.

1971 – Fleetwood Mac releases Future Games, their first of five albums with Bob Welch as guitarist/singer.

(l to r) 1974: Bob Welch, McVie, Fleetwood, Christine McVie

1974 – Richard Nixon, engulfed in Watergate controversy, resigns as US President

1974 – The UK is engulfed in shootings and car bombings, as the British government attempt to negotiate a cease-fire with the Provisional Irish Republican Army.

1974 – Guitarist Bob Welch quits Fleetwood Mac, to be later replaced by Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham.


1977 – Fleetwood Mac releases Rumours, their best-selling album.

1977 – The deadliest accident in aviation history when 583 people are killed in the Tenerife disaster.

1977 – The NYC blackout, 25 hours long, results in looting and disorder.

1977 – The US Senate holds hearings over Project MKUltra, a dissolved CIA program that specialized in experimental and often illegal mind control procedures and techniques.

1977 – The first Chuck E Cheese’s opens.

1977 – David Berkowitz, the “Son of Sam” serial killer, is apprehended in Yonkers.

1977 – “Dreams”, written and sung by Stevie Nicks, becomes the only Fleetwood Mac to top the charts in the US.

1977: McVie, McVie, Stevie Nicks, Fleetwood, Lindsey Buckingham


1979 – Long lines form at gas stations because of the US oil crisis.

1979 – Fleetwood Mac release the double-album Tusk

1982 – Great Britain goes to war with Argentina over the Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic.

1982 – The first computer virus infects Apple II computers

1982 – Fleetwood Mac release Mirage, a chart-topping return to form after the experimental and relative commercial failure of Tusk.


1986 – Space Shuttle Challenger explodes shortly after takeoff.

1986 – Uprisings in Haiti and the Philippines force respective despotic leaders “Baby Doc” Duvalier and Ferdinand Marcos to flee the homelands they once lorded over.

1987 – Fleetwood Mac releases Tango In The Night. Shortly before a world tour to promote the album, Lindsey Buckingham quits the group. Rick Vito and Billy Burnette replace him.

1987: Rick Vito, McVie, Nicks, Fleetwood, Billy Burnette, McVie

1987 – Black Tuesday: International stock market crash

1987 – Mick Fleetwood has a supporting role as a resistance leader in Arnold Schwartzeneggar’s The Running Man

#Resist #Resistance #FearNothing #MickFleetwood



1995 – Eazy-E dies from AIDS-related illness.

1996 – Tupac Shakur shot to death in Las Vegas.

1997 – Notorious B.I.G. shot to death in Los Angeles.

1997 – Fleetwood Mac reunites (the Rumours lineup) to release live album The Dance, which goes on to sell over six million records and top the charts (the first for Fleetwood Mac since Mirage). The accompanying tour will gross over $36 million.



1997: “The Dance”

2003 – Space Shuttle Columbia explodes upon attempting reentry of Earth’s atmosphere.

2003 – A coalition led by the US invades Iraq to depose leader Saddam Hussein, who is accused of holding weapons of mass destruction.

2003 – Fleetwood Mac releases Say You Will, their first without Christine McVie since 1970’s Kiln House

2003: “Say You Will” without Christine McVie











The Mystery Of Fight Club…Revealed!

April 24th, 2011

Here’s an exclusive. No one has ever admitted this out loud but that’s because I made this up. But if you decide to take this up it could be the best rumor of all time since the one I made up about Thom Yorke being the voice of the Geico gecko.



The movie Fight Club. You’ve probably seen it by now. Starring Brad Pitt as Tyler Durden and Edward Norton as the unnamed protagonist who (spoiler alert) hallucinated Durden’s entire existence. While everyone knows who Tyler Durden is, no one knows the name of Norton’s character. Except me. I know the name of Edward Norton’s character in Fight Club. Would you like to hear it? I will be glad to tell you. . . now!


The name of the character portrayed by Edward Norton is. . . drumroll, please. . . Reuben Feffer.


Some of you may recall the name of that character from this movie.



Think about this. Reuben Feffer, as portrayed by Ben Stiller in Along Came Polly, is an actuary for an insurance company. Meanwhile, Norton plays an unnamed automobile manufacturer’s corporate employee. Could he be. . . an actuary?


Probably not. He might deal in risk assessment, though. Which would be hella important for an automobile manufacturer. It should be noted that I haven’t watched Fight Club since 2002 and have forgotten about many of the smaller details of the character’s worklife. Plus I never read the book.


But doesn’t Ben Stiller as the guy who came up with Tyler Durden make some sort of sense. I think it might make the movie better. Someone with more time on their hands than me should really try to mashup Fight Club with Along Came Polly. That way, if it sucks, it’s not my fault.