Posts Tagged ‘Abraham Lincoln’

Internet On Your Phone

August 16th, 2015

(written years ago when not everybody had internet on their phone. . . inspired by someone bragging about the internet on their phone, someone who shall remain nameless. . . found in a very old notebook that is about to be thrown out)

 

You’ve got the Internet on your phone.

Isn’t that something?

You think you’re better than me? Do ya? Huh? Punk?

The way you said it makes me think you wanted my hair to blow back and trumpets blaring from the sky

Like you’re King Arthur and you just pulled the sword out of the Stone

But you didn’t pull a sword out of stone

You have the Internet On Your Phone

And now you can act like you’re hot stuff

Not everybody can be so lucky

Some people don’t have clothes, shoes, a place to live

Some people are sick and crippled, unable to leave their own house

And you get mad when you can’t get wi-fi

Well let me break out my big crying cloth

Yeah, I got a big crying cloth

So big I can wrap it around your neck and choke you with it.

Yeah, how would you like that? How about I take that phone from you and use the Internet WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION Huh?

You think you’re better than me.

You probably think you’re better than President Abraham Lincoln.

He only freed the slaves

But you have the Internet on your phone

You could make Alexander Graham bell poop his pants if he saw that thing. He would look at you with a furrowed brow and say Did I invent that?

And you’d say “talk to the hand” because A.G. Bell never invented the Internet on your phone

If Thomas Edison saw your phone he would think the aliens won the war vs. Earth and forced us to carry these little boxes as a sign of our forced subservience. We will serve the aliens like dogs, tied to each other on an invisible leash

More Abraham Lincoln Movies!

May 8th, 2013

I was jostled out of my sleep by the loud TV. On it was Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter on HBO. Could it be true that there were two major motion pictures based on our sixteenth president released within the last year: one a biopic/Oscar bait, the other a light-hearted retcon of his entire life? Why is Lincoln so hot after all these years? Why can’t I get a piece of this Lincoln action while there’s still some heat on it?

 

It seems to me that the best route would be to do something similar to Vampire Hunter and put the Great Emancipator himself in an absurd situation that will cause money to practically fly out of consumer wallets. Thus I have prepared some movie titles, and nothing more, because I want to see what will whet the appetite of the movie-going public.

 

  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. JACK THE RIPPER IN 3D!
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN, EDITOR OF TEEN BEAT MAGAZINE
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN, INVENTOR OF CRACK COCAINE
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN, IRONIC RACIST
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN, LIVE AT FULSOM PRISON!
  • @BR@#@M 1!NC01N, INVENTOR OF LEETSPEAK
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE MAN WHO KILLED ABRAHAM LINCOLN (WHAT?)
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN VS. SUPERMAN VS. BATMAN VS. WONDER WOMAN ON HER PERIOD
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN PLAYS HAL HOLBROOK
  • ABRAHAM LINCOLN, JUGS AND SPEED
  • SMOKEY AND THE 16TH PRESIDENT
  • ABE’S WILD YEARS
  • LINCOLN’S RAVER-GOTH SUMMER
  • THE PRESIDENT WHO TRIED TO KILL LENNY KRAVITZ
  • LINCOLN CLOSES OUR BORDERS AFTER HEARING RUSH’S “2112”