I Could Be The NFL Commissioner

October 27th, 2016

Space madness, 2016.

 

NFL ratings are down. On my TV, there is a NFL game on the NFL network. Thursday night football between the Tennessee Titans (3-4) against the Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4). This NFL game on the NFL network can probably also be seen on Twitter. Or it could have been in previous weeks, I’m not sure.

 

NFL ratings are down. Fewer people are watching the games on TV. Part of that might be due to the 2016 election. Part of it might be due to the NFL’s inability to enact an intelligent drug policy compared to its’ inability to deal with domestic violence in a sensitive and intelligent manner.

 

It’s also possible that people aren’t interested in seeing two lousy teams like the Jaguars and Titans playing in prime time. Only a few years ago, Thursdays were football-free until Thanksgiving. Then you could enjoy a nice Turkey Day with the Cowboys, the Lions and whoever else. And then maybe you’d have some more games throughout the rest of the season. But now there’s Thursday football all season long. It’s called “product overexposure”. And that’s why you have a 3-4 team playing a 2-4 team on Thursday night in prime time.

 

The NFL thinks the fan wants football all week all the time. So we get it Thursday, Sunday and Monday and near the end of the season we’ll get it on Saturday as well after college season ends. Like we’re just a bunch of lunkheads that have nothing going on but football to watch and bacon to eat while cry-bating into our beers because our wives left us again.

 

I’ve been waiting for the NFL bubble to burst and maybe this year is the beginning. Ratings are down eleven percent. They tried to the share the Thursday night games with Twitter and found that they couldn’t even sell commercials on Twitter for a rivalry game like Packers vs. Bears. If they couldn’t line up advertisers for a marquee matchup like that, how were they ever gonna sell ads for Titans vs. Jaguars?

 

Perhaps the sooner the whole league slides into irrelevancy the sooner the owners will can their empty-headed commissioner Roger Goodell. Maybe the next NFL commissioner will have some teeth and work in the best interest of the game, its’ players and fans, instead of being the kept boy/propaganda officer for the owners.

 

Luckily, I’m still available for the position. I have a platform that makes a lot of sense.

If named NFL commissioner, I will contract the league to at least 28 teams.

This will be accomplished by trading the Seahawks to the CFL for a box of tentacle porn, combining the Jaguars and Panthers into a single team called the Jag-Pants. The Redskins are straight up kicked out of the league. They can keep their dumb racist trademarks but they can’t be in the NFL. If Snyder wants to play, he better start his own league or join the CFL with the dumb Seahawks. And Indianapolis doesn’t get to have a team. I won’t get rid of the Colts. But the Colts have to go back to Baltimore even though the Ravens are there. So those two teams will have to fight it out. Or maybe those two and the zombie Browns that have never been good. It’s up to them to figure out who goes. Maybe all three of them go to Baltimore or all three of them leave the league and we’re stuck at 26 teams.

 

It’s funny how I hate Donald Trump and yet I’d be the Donald Trump of NFL commissioners if given the chance.

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