Archive for October, 2016

A New Halloween Tradition

October 31st, 2016

Since I have moved to a new town, I guess it’s time to update my Halloween traditions. In Fordsville, my tradition was “not answer the door because nobody knocked on it wanting candy”. That was a blessing. It pays to be an unlikable hermit.

 

But now a new town requires a new tradition. These people don’t know that I’m an unlikable hermit. I’ve been here nearly a month? How can I possibly introduce myself to the community proper? I gots me a plan!

 

For all the kiddies who come to my door shouting “Trick or Treat” will be in for an immense treat, as I sit them each down to listen to this gem of a tune.

 

 

You want a treat? You’re gonna get a treat, goddammit. A little something from Abacab-era Genesis called “Paperlate”. Just sit there as I play this off my laptop speakers and get familiar with Phil and the boys. I am going to be the most popular debutante in all of Daviess County!

 

And then I’m going to yell at the kids’ parents to remember to vote for Rand Paul. Because it’s all about Rand Paul, who’s debating tonight. He’s only debating on Halloween because he didn’t want to embarrass his opponent on a night Kentuckians would be home to watch the debate.

 

I’ve come a long way from hating people who didn’t understand Zappa or the Beach Boys post-Pet Sounds albums.

I Could Be The NFL Commissioner

October 27th, 2016

Space madness, 2016.

 

NFL ratings are down. On my TV, there is a NFL game on the NFL network. Thursday night football between the Tennessee Titans (3-4) against the Jacksonville Jaguars (2-4). This NFL game on the NFL network can probably also be seen on Twitter. Or it could have been in previous weeks, I’m not sure.

 

NFL ratings are down. Fewer people are watching the games on TV. Part of that might be due to the 2016 election. Part of it might be due to the NFL’s inability to enact an intelligent drug policy compared to its’ inability to deal with domestic violence in a sensitive and intelligent manner.

 

It’s also possible that people aren’t interested in seeing two lousy teams like the Jaguars and Titans playing in prime time. Only a few years ago, Thursdays were football-free until Thanksgiving. Then you could enjoy a nice Turkey Day with the Cowboys, the Lions and whoever else. And then maybe you’d have some more games throughout the rest of the season. But now there’s Thursday football all season long. It’s called “product overexposure”. And that’s why you have a 3-4 team playing a 2-4 team on Thursday night in prime time.

 

The NFL thinks the fan wants football all week all the time. So we get it Thursday, Sunday and Monday and near the end of the season we’ll get it on Saturday as well after college season ends. Like we’re just a bunch of lunkheads that have nothing going on but football to watch and bacon to eat while cry-bating into our beers because our wives left us again.

 

I’ve been waiting for the NFL bubble to burst and maybe this year is the beginning. Ratings are down eleven percent. They tried to the share the Thursday night games with Twitter and found that they couldn’t even sell commercials on Twitter for a rivalry game like Packers vs. Bears. If they couldn’t line up advertisers for a marquee matchup like that, how were they ever gonna sell ads for Titans vs. Jaguars?

 

Perhaps the sooner the whole league slides into irrelevancy the sooner the owners will can their empty-headed commissioner Roger Goodell. Maybe the next NFL commissioner will have some teeth and work in the best interest of the game, its’ players and fans, instead of being the kept boy/propaganda officer for the owners.

 

Luckily, I’m still available for the position. I have a platform that makes a lot of sense.

If named NFL commissioner, I will contract the league to at least 28 teams.

This will be accomplished by trading the Seahawks to the CFL for a box of tentacle porn, combining the Jaguars and Panthers into a single team called the Jag-Pants. The Redskins are straight up kicked out of the league. They can keep their dumb racist trademarks but they can’t be in the NFL. If Snyder wants to play, he better start his own league or join the CFL with the dumb Seahawks. And Indianapolis doesn’t get to have a team. I won’t get rid of the Colts. But the Colts have to go back to Baltimore even though the Ravens are there. So those two teams will have to fight it out. Or maybe those two and the zombie Browns that have never been good. It’s up to them to figure out who goes. Maybe all three of them go to Baltimore or all three of them leave the league and we’re stuck at 26 teams.

 

It’s funny how I hate Donald Trump and yet I’d be the Donald Trump of NFL commissioners if given the chance.

Spotify <1000 Joints

October 23rd, 2016

Spotify, you win. I have downloaded you to my laptop and have decided to help you kill what’s left of the music business. Lady Gaga released her new album “Joanne” this week. The first single “Perfect Illusion” has been played on Spotify a whopping 38 million times. This will net Lady Gaga an estimated $154.77. Why? Because of the lopsided deal the record industry made with Spotify. So somebody is getting rich, but not the artists.

 

Another example. The rapper Nelly owes the IRS $2.4 million and some jokester wrote an article saying it would take 287 million streams of his hit “Hot In Herre” for him to repay the IRS. It would actually cost less if people went to iTunes and bought his song again but we’re just highlighting the ridiculous pay structure at hand.

 

Taylor Swift moved her tracks off Spotify. Prince only had one song on Spotify, as does King Crimson and Tool. Garth Brooks is the best selling American artist of the last 25 years and none of his music is on Spotify. The only Neil Young albums you can find are the shitty Geffen Records ones from the 80’s that were so bad David Geffen sued him.

 

So since Spotify exists essentially as exposure and a loss-leader, I’ll take the time do a series on artists and songs that have fewer than 1,000 streams. Give underheard music the Mike Farmer bump, whatever that’s worth. If this helps you find something cool to listen to, wonderful.

 

Peter Hammill & The K Group, “Live At Rockpalast”. A televised concert from 1981. Peter Hammill is the singer from Van der Graaf Generator accompanied by a backing band. It’s a 93-minute double album, so you may not get into the whole thing on first listen. You’ll know by the first three or four songs whether it’s your thing or not. Hammill is a strident vocalist, sings as if he’s protesting at a city council meeting. The songs have a prog-ish vibe with a 1981 new wave timbre. Makes sense since Hammill wrote them, he also wrote all the VdGG songs. I really love “The Future Now”.

 

Don Muro, “As Long As I’ve Got You”. The A-side of a Record Store Day single in 2015, the song was recorded in 1974. A power-pop synth-driven DIY production. I assume Muro played or programmed everything on the track. He still occasionally records and runs his own label, Flannelgraph Records. I heard this song on an episode of The Best Show and fell in love with it immediately.

 

Off-Ox, “Best Best Western”. A new project from my long-time friend Aaron Tanner, he of Stationary Odyessy, Fracasos and many other So. Indiana-based projects. (Fun fact: Aaron’s record label Dyspepsidisc released several Mr. Neutron albums about fifteen years ago). Off-Ox is Tanner’s new band and “Best Best Western” is the A-side of their debut single. Melodic, distorted instrumental indie with cool synths on the B-side. Of course, that only makes sense if you’re listening to it on vinyl which I don’t expect you are.

 

I don’t know how to do a Spotify playlist and I’m not going to take the time on account of three songs/artists. Do some searching, you lazy bums.

Thank You Based Cubs

October 22nd, 2016

How about them Cubs, eh? The Cubs are going to the World Series. Hold on, let me say that again. The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series. The baseball team is going to the championship series to determine the championship of baseball in the Major League of Baseball. And that team is the Chicago team out of the National League. The mind reels.

 

I have seen many great players play in a Cubs uniform. Andre Dawson was my first favorite, in his NL MVP season of 1987. I saw many bad years too. In my lifetime, I think the Cubs have had about six good seasons. And of those ended when the whole team (and city) had a meltdown because of Steve Bartman.

 

Now I’m sitting here and I’m thinking about this and it’s not even over yet. There’s a World Series yet to be played. There’s the Cleveland Indians ahead. I don’t want to think about that right now. I want to enjoy this one shining moment in a ugly stupid year.

 

The people who aren’t here and the people who are. Ernie Banks to Javier Baez. Ron Santo to Addison Russell. Harry Caray to whoever’s calling the games on radio now. Tinker to Evers to Chance to Wood and Prior to Lackey and Lester. I could go on. I won’t. Carlos Zambrano is still alive but isn’t around to be scary but the Cubs have Aroldis Chapman as their closer so that’s good enough.

 

I’m babbling.

 

It didn’t seem possible. I want to jump and party. I want to hug people in the street. Did you know the last time the Cubs had gone to the World Series, the polio vaccine hadn’t been invented yet? It’s amazing. How can anybody have a coherent thought right now? It’s a happy time to be alive. . . somehow.

 

Thank you based Cubs. Thank you so much based Cubs. Racks on racks on racks.

I Think I Sleep Here Now

October 19th, 2016

It is ten o’clock at night in Whitesville, Kentucky. Tonight, the third presidential debate was held. Whatever happened, I could not bring myself to watch it. After watching the first two and being left in a nightmare daze by what I saw, I thought better of it. Besides, one can hardly consider me a undecided voter. On November 8th, my vote for President of the United States will be cast for Hillary Donald the late actress Shirley Hemphill from “What’s Happening” Tom Bergeron, host of ABC’s hit series “Dancing With The Stars”.

 

Besides, my new bed is all set up and is ready for me to sleep in. It’s time for me to enjoy what for me is a truly luxurious bed. I’m the happiest boy in the world now and if I’m not careful I may sleep better than I have in about fifteen years.

 

In the dorm I used to live, I slept in a twin bed. It was a firm bed on a sturdy wood frame. I sacrifice privacy but I slept reasonably well. Then I moved into an apartment on Chestnut Street and began a streak of sleeping in whatever bed was available at the time that continued for a long time. This practice works fine if you’re twenty-three, perhaps. When you are young and your back is strong and you can burn the candle at one or both ends.

 

When I moved to L.A., I slept on a variety of twin-sized cots. No bed springs. Even as I worked on a dying cable quiz show, I did not spend my money on a bed upgrade. That would have only made sense. For nearly two years, I flattened out a cot until it was time to move back home, at which point I dumped it out onto the curb.

 

I came home and I moved in with my grandfather, taking the middle room in the trailer. Sleeping in whatever bed happened to be in there. And as I crossed into my thirties, a crummy futon mattress became the bed I slept on. Fortunately, I had some box springs and a wooden frame to hold it in place. Litter boxes looked more inviting than my bed. The stuffing fell out of the futon so I stuffed a couch cushion under it to give me some padding.

 

That college-age can-do spirit that I had isn’t there anymore. Which is a shame, as I often look at tasks through the eyes of a guy in his early twenties. But I’m not that guy. I’m pushing forty. There is so much I can’t abide by. Being young and impulsive, sometimes one has to scourge. But to try to do that in middle age?

 

I’m only starting to realize how many ways I shortchanged myself. Fortunately, it is not too late to set things on the right path. Also, I appreciate the little things. And a bed is one such thing. A good firm bed on a sturdy frame that you get good sleep on. It’s about quality of life, folks. But first I have to build some sort of life.

I Guess I Live Here Now

October 17th, 2016

This is my life now.

 

I live on the outskirts of a small town by the park with a big red train caboose in the front. I’ve started a weight loss program and attended a lesbian wedding/anniversary party. I’ve sold merch in a redneck bar for the next big country star. Two of my friends paid for me to get a lap dance from a girl named Samantha and it was great. Maybe, just maybe, things are starting to turn around for the better.

 

This is my life now.

 

I have an instagram account (@mikewritesandsings) but I barely post on it. I haven’t posted in about eight days. Mostly I click the heart button on other people’s pictures, which tend to be of babes. It’s no Twitter, which I have flogged the holy hell out of. In the course of my Tweet career, I have probably tweeted 20,000 things. That’s 20,000 thoughts I would have said to nobody. Thoughts that would have stayed in my mind and just festered and died a slow aching death. Thoughts I would have had to tell to small groups of people over and over again, like a focus study.

 

Am I. . . happy?

 

I am getting closer to happy and that is a strange thing to feel. I’m not used to it. Have you read this website lately? Ever? It will take some time to get to the point where I realize that it is okay and I deserve it.

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” My research tells me that Eleanor Roosevelt said that. My research also tells me that Eleanor Roosevelt was a floppy-tittied dyke, but that’s irrelevant. I just like saying that. Sometimes I sing it to myself: “Eleanor Roosevelt was a floppy-tittied dyke, yeah-yeah, uh-huh.” I haven’t turned that into a song because where I am going to go from there. If you see me out somewhere, ask me about the Eleanor Roosevelt song and I’ll sing it to you quietly.

 

What was I saying? “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” People will treat you bad but you can’t let them stay in your head. When they hurt you, you’ll feel it. But you can’t linger on that hurt. Some people have to be cut loose. Because “fuck them”, that’s why. If you mean so little to someone that they can hurt your feelings and not give much thought to it, then why obsess over them and what they did to you?

 

Am I talking about something that happened to me? Yes. Will I discuss it now? No, because fuck them. Yeah, it hurt my feelings but I’ll get over it. Sometimes I think about it and ARGGHHHH I get mad again but those moments are aftershocks and they get further apart from each other.

 

Life can be so nice.

The Long Road Back

October 14th, 2016

I am half-asleep. I wish I weren’t but I am. And here we are.

 

The good sleep is the very deep sleep that a human body needs to function. REM sleep. I don’t get enough of that, and haven’t for a very long time. How can you conquer your demons when you’re tired all day every day?

 

The doctors have commissioned me another sleep study to get me back to a state where I will function better at night. I need all the help I can get at this moment. It’s almost 6:30 at night and I want to sleep like a baby. I need the good sleep. I crave it. My body needs it. I’m so far behind the rest of the world.

 

This is progress. It is better to know there is something wrong, than to feel something is wrong and not know what. Another sleep study would be beneficial. I haven’t had one in eleven years. A lot has transpired with me physically since then. My head hurts. Still, I am progressing. It’s a long road back to wellness. But you have to sleep at the end of the day’s travels.

Post-Trump Stress Disorder

October 10th, 2016

Let’s look back at the last two weeks. I moved from Fordsville to Whitesville. I started a health program at a hospital in Evansville. I attended a lesbian wedding/25th anniversary party in Bowling Green. A clown man was caught in the park near my new apartment. Oh, and tomorrow I will go to a Rand Paul town hall meeting in Owensboro to confront him for being a complete jerkwad. Oh, and there’s been two of the most absurd Presidential debates in US history. I watched both of them. Stupid me.

 

In the middle of night, I struggled to sleep. I struggled to breathe. It was a mild panic attack. I remembered these from the past. They always happened in the middle of the night. Just me and my thoughts. My body panicking because I wouldn’t erupt screaming “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”

 

Intellectually, you tell yourself it will be okay. And maybe it will but the body’s nervous system hasn’t process all this craziness. The surge in activity. The terror in watching Donald Trump be anywhere near the Presidency.

 

I am very happy about moving to Whitesville. I was thrilled to attend my friends’ wedding. It was a great party. They had a taco bar, a biscuit bar, a popcorn bar, a photo booth, a DJ and some bands. It’s a shame gay marriage wasn’t legal until last year, meanwhile Donald Trump could have three marriages in that time. Fucking hell. Trumptrumpytrump. I hate that man.

 

HE CANNOT GO ONE SINGLE DAY WITHOUT CAUSING A CATASTROPHE.

 

THE VERY IDEA THAT GUYS TALK LIKE THAT IN PRIVATE. LIKE WE THINK WE CAN JUST GRAB PUSSY WHENEVER. LOCKER ROOM BANTER MY ASS.

 

IF ME AND MY FRIENDS EVER TALKED LIKE THAT, THERE’S NO WAY WE WOULD BE SERIOUS. THERE’S NO WAY A NORMAL PERSON THINKS THEY CAN JUST MOLEST SOMEONE, NO PROBLEM.

 

YEAH YOU PROBABLY CAN GET AWAY WITH A LOT OF SHIT WHEN YOU’RE RICH AND FAMOUS BUT NOT GRABBING PUSSY. YOU CAN PROBABLY GET OUT OF TRAFFIC TICKETS, MAYBE. YOU CAN PROBABLY CUT IN LINE AT THE MOVIES. BUT NOT GRABBING WOMEN’S CROTCHES.

 

LET’S SUPPOSE I WERE DONALD TRUMP AND I SAW ASHLEY JUDD FOR EXAMPLE I WOULDN’T THINK I COULD JUST GRAB HER PUSSY. I MIGHT ASK HER IF SHE WANTED TO PLAY SEVEN MINUTES IN THE CLOSET BUT IF SHE’S LIKE “HELL NO” I JUST PLAY IT OFF LIKE I WAS MAKING A JOKE HA HA FUNNY.

 

THEY FOUND A FUCKING CLOWN GUY NEAR MY APARTMENT LAST WEEK. LIKE MAYBE 500 FEET AWAY. WHEN THE COPS NABBED HIM, HE SAID “I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU GUYS FOUND ME. I’M INVISIBLE.” HE’S A FUCKING BURNOUT. THERE’S NO GREAT SCHEME BEHIND THIS CLOWN THING. IT’S JUST TOWNIE BURNOUTS GETTING THEIR KICKS.

 

RAND PAUL HAS DITCHED KENTUCKY FOR THE LAST TWO YEARS BECAUSE HE WANTED TO BE PRESIDENT. HE TURFED OUT IN SPRING. TRUMP SAID RAND PAUL WAS TOO UGLY TO BE ON THE STAGE WITH HIM LAST YEAR.

 

FUCKING TRUMP MADE RAND PAUL LOOK REASONABLE. RAND PAUL IS MERELY STATING IN SEPT. ’15 WHAT EVERYONE IN OCT. ’16 IS STILL SAYING. WE THOUGHT THIS SHIT WOULD BE OVER BY NOW AND HILLARY WOULD BE DEBATING JEB! OR SOME OTHER BORING FUCKWIT.

 

I’m sorry, Sen. Paul. I’m going to say something about nice about you now. You are a fine eye doctor. Also, I’ll take this opportunity to apologize for making fun of your hair. Unlike Donald Trump’s, your hair is actually yours. However, I still will vote for Jim Gray to take your place in Washington. You’ve fought to only have one debate this election cycle with Gray and it’s on Halloween night. In 2010 against Jack Conway, you had five debates. You are playing Ditka-ball until Election Day, running out the clock. Any football fan can tell you Ditka-ball sucks.

Framed (Trump Version)

October 7th, 2016

apologies to Leiber/Stoller

 

I was walkin’ down the street, mindin’ my own affair
When two Democrats grabbed me, unaware
They says ‘Is your name Donald?’ I says ‘Why sure’
They says ‘You’re the man we’re lookin’ for’

 

I was framed, I was framed

I never did nothin’

That makes me smart

But I was framed

 

They put me in the line up and let those bright lights shine,

there was Lyin’ Ted, Little Marco, and Low Energy Jeb standing in that line
I was a victim of Crooked Hillary’s evil plan
When Pocahontas Warren walked in and says ‘There’s your man’

 

I was framed, okay?

Totally framed

I never did anything

If I did something, it would be huge. It would be impressive. The best thing ever.

 

Well, this lyin’ Jew prosecutor started prosecutin’ me
Man, that cat didn’t give me the first, but the third degree
He says ‘Where were you on the night of July 19, 1993?’

I was on a private jet with Jeffrey Epstein

 

Look, I was framed, okay?

It’s not a big deal.

You know, I never did nothin’

I didn’t even put the tip in

But I was framed

 

A New Life In A New Town

October 7th, 2016

Here we are. A new life in a new town.

 

I now live in Whitesville. Every day I have something I have to do. I still have a lot to finish. Stuff is scattered around the apartment. I haven’t set the TV up. Not that I’ll use it. I have people to call. Things to get done. Responsibilities. It’s almost nice.

 

I needed a new start a long time ago. I could have left Fordsville behind a year ago and been fine. But this is the time I’ve been given. So many things got thrown out in the move. I unburdened myself from a decade-plus of baggage.

 

This is a good time to be alive, personally. Too often, I’ve done this thing where I’ve let the state of the world get me down. I want to change the world but I’m no good to anyone if I’m in poor shape. So I’m taking the steps to get into better health. My emotional energy has to be focused on me first and foremost. I can’t use the chaos of the outside world as an excuse to stop caring and let myself slide further into disrepair.

 

That’s enough for now. There’s stuff to be done today.