I Have Already Started The Bargaining

September 2nd, 2016

When I last wrote on this website, I mentioned I was going off Twitter for the month of September. I have already started bargaining. It hasn’t even been two full days.


I clicked off Twitter on 11:50 pm on August 31st. . . and logged back on twenty-four hours later. And I’ve logged back in since then. I haven’t tweeted anything. Hence the bargaining. “I’ll log in, I just won’t tweet.” I’m such a weak-willed person. I will be tweeting within the week. “Okay, I’m logged in. I won’t tweet. But I’ll retweet other people.” It’s a slippery slope, kids.


No one is going to care. I’m the only one holding me to this. It doesn’t matter. What do I care? I need this break, though. Do I need to chime in on the topics of the day? Does it matter what I think about Lena Dunham (spoiler alert: not a fan)? Does it matter what I think about Donald Trump (see Lena Dunham, only more so)? What can I say that the rest of the universe hasn’t already said, in many ways already better and funnier? I deliver cold takes, people. Cold takes. I’m the opposite of these Slate writers and ESPN analysts and talk-radio hosts. I’m too even-handed and I take too much time to think of a reasonable take. I’m not divisive enough. I’m borderline mature and it’s dragging down my ability to wish strangers would die of leukemia because we disagree about pro wrestling.


Because if I’m not being smacked in the face with blunt ugliness and meanness, I’m being smacked with sobering reality. The blunt ugliness of people being mean and ist and phobic to each other all being thrown into a volcano only to have sobering reality upchucked back at you like spurts of lava.


So it’s smart to get away every now and then. Or maybe avoid it forever. But I could not do it. Barely a whole day and I logged back in. I’m addicted to being scalded by lava. “Why are you hurting yourself?”

This entry was posted on Friday, September 2nd, 2016 at 9:03 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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