Archive for July, 2016

Cannonball Run II For President

July 29th, 2016

Have you ever seen the 1984 movie Cannonball Run II? It sucks. Don’t see it. It reminds me of the current political situation in the US, what with the election and the orange man who sucks and all the other bullshit.

 

You got Obama and Biden who won the last Cannonball Run, and though Obama and Biden aren’t running and can’t because of term limits they’re in the Cannonball Run and so is Donald Trump and Mike Pence who are deep in debt with Vladimir Putin. Later on in the movie, Obama and Biden are going to have to dress up as pretty belly dancers to rescue Trump from Putin. Don’t ask questions.

 

Also in the race are Hillary Clinton and Tim Paine and they’re in a limo with a false front that looks like a orangutang is driving in the front. It looks great, and everybody envies them. Two great-looking chicks (Elizabeth Warren and Jill Stein) are being chased throughout the race/movie by a phalanx of cops (led by Gary Johnson).

 

Bernie Sanders is with Jackie Chan in the Mitsubishi that can drive underwater and that’s the last time he’ll be referenced in this article.

 

Don’t try to make sense out of what I’m saying. It’s 3:30 in the morning. Cannonball Run II sucks and so does 2016 as an election and as a year.

A List Of Made Up NASCAR Drivers

July 25th, 2016

  1. Cole Colter
  2. Regan Hager
  3. Colton Millar
  4. Dalton Sanders
  5. Junior Jacobs, Jr.
  6. Mark Redknapp
  7. Cubby Vaughn
  8. Chase Morghan
  9. Ron Pope
  10. Greg Proops
  11. Kelly Dovenpurt
  12. “Flammable ‘Fireball'” Freddie Ferguson, the man with up to three nicknames
  13. Bo Cobb
  14. B.J. Service
  15. Nathan Ethan from Dothan
  16. Darth Montgomery
  17. Eddie Vedder
  18. Cumberbund Jenkins
  19. Ben Limewire, Jr.
  20. Austin Gentry
  21. Asa Kendridge
  22. Polly Jean Harvey
  23. Pancake “Pivot” McKenzie
  24. Larry Joe Curtis
  25. Archie Winthrop
  26. Evan Essence
  27. Dillon Doolin Dylan
  28. “Amateur Hour” Andy Alfalfa
  29. Gristleshits McCormack
  30. Fanny Inlet

Can’t Have Anything

July 25th, 2016

Not even a week ago, I said I was voting for Hillary Clinton. And then she bites me right in the ass like a rabid dog. The Democrats were in the tank for her against Bernie Sanders the entire time. To use a sports metaphor, this is like the entire NCAA helping Alabama Crimson Tide beat UL-Monroe in football.

 

Is this the worst thing that has been done during this election cycle? Noooo. Is Hillary Clinton still a better choice than Donald Trump? Of course. But wouldn’t it be nice to be to vote FOR someone instead of voting against someone. This “lesser of two evils” bullshit doesn’t exactly make it for me.

 

Oh, and the Russians are involved somehow. They hacked the Democrats e-mail server. Goddamn fuck me bloody. This is like Dr. Strangelove without any of the jokes.

 

If only I could have any amount of personal optimism, I might feel better. The most positive development in my life has been me getting a new box fan. New box fan. That’s my life. I am white trash. Miserable white trash with a new box fan surrounded by sadness. My life sucks.

 

Best case scenario is the Cubs win the World Series and then the drones kill us all a week later.

Pokemon In My Yard

July 23rd, 2016

The other day I came home and there were a couple of kids walking around in my yard with phones in their faces. I asks ’em “Hey you kids looking for Pokemon?” The bigger kid, he says “maybe” all suspicious like. C’mon kid. You’re in my yard. You’re the creep here.

 

I’m not playing the Pokemon Go thing but I’m fascinated by it. Because apparently Pokemon are in my front yard. I guess they show up everywhere. They show up, and they get caught by players or they disappear. What happens after that is a mystery to me. They have maps online that tell you where the things are. You can type in your address and scan to see if anything is nearby. Catch yourself a Golbat or Eevee if they happen to be around. I thought about calling my landlord to root them out. Apparently you can’t shoot them.

 

At first I wanted to hate this Pokemon Go but now I’m okay with it. I like the idea of making magic out of things that aren’t magic at all. There’s a perfectly good explanation for why Pokemon appear randomly, even at six in the morning on a Saturday. I don’t really want to know how. I don’t care how the donuts are made. I want a little light magic in the world because the world can be a sinister place.

 

One day I be able to name all of the original 151 Pokemon besides Pikachu without having ever set foot inside the Pokemon canon and it will be either hilarious or infuriating.

I’m Voting For Hillary Later

July 19th, 2016

I am not hemming and hawing over my decision for President. I’m voting for Hillary Clinton in November. Not Jill Stein. Not Gary Johnson. Not Bernie. And certainly not that fucker on the Republican side. That orange shithead who walked onstage to “We Are The Champions” Monday night.

 

What do I have to do to make sure Donald Trump never becomes President of this country? I will do it. I will vote against him. No problem. Do I need to volunteer for Hillary’s campaign? I could try to do that. I don’t know how effective I will be. But I could try. Do I need to donate money to Hill- let’s just stop there, I don’t have any money to donate. Those are the realistic things a person could do. Anything beyond would be unrealistic.

 

I’m not for letting the dumb and the mean and bigoted walk all over me. F.U.M.F.

50 Fuckin’ Years of “Freak Out!”

July 14th, 2016

Quick, what’s the greatest rock album of all time?

Nope, it’s not Sgt. Pepper’s. Or Pet Sounds. Nope. Or Blonde By Blonde. Nice try, though.

Don’t trust anyone who tells you emphatically what the best album of all time is. How do they know? Maybe it’s the best album as ranked by a like-minded group of writers and musicians in the same peer group who all grew up with the same music which is why you end up with a bunch of fifty-year old albums like the ones above in the top spot (hi, Rolling Stone).

 

I’m sure if you ask the right group of people, they’ll tell you that David Bowie’s fucking Tin Machine made the best al-

 

Frank Zappa and the Mothers Of Invention released “Freak Out!” fifty years ago this summer.

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I think about how well regarded “Pet Sounds” by the Beach Boys is now. Brian Wilson is fondly remembered as a brilliant songwriter and producer. He gets to live his winter years being venerated as a genius, a Kennedy Center honoree, touring for adoring fans. After decades of disrepair and mental torment, Brian Wilson is the victor.

 

“Freak Out!” was released the same year as “Pet Sounds”. Zappa would make records with various lineups under the name “Mothers of Invention” until 1975, and continued a solo career up until his passing in 1993. There hasn’t been a revival of Zappa music at least since 1995 when Rykodisc released CDs of every Zappa and Mothers album (over 60). Rykodisc released several approved compliations of his music, and found long-lost treasures like the soundtrack to 200 Motels, which had been out of print over 25 years and the never-released “Lather”.

 

Unfortunately, Frank isn’t here to celebrate with us. He passed away from prostate cancer in 1993. Three of the five Mothers on the cover of “Freak Out!” are dead and a fourth is in prison. You don’t know want to know why.

 

It’s a double-album, which was unheard of at the time. The only other artist to do it at that time was Bob Dylan who was at the apex of Bob Dylan God-hood. It took a lot of nerve for Frank to insist on this for his very first album but perhaps he thought it would be his “only” album so why not get the most out of it.

 

The sound of the album is indicative of 1960s California rock, complete with session musicians. Unlike “Pet Sounds”, the Mothers actually play their instruments on “Freak Out!” even when joined by orchestral accompaniment. The horns are replaced by the grating of kazoos. Either to save money or because it sounds appropriate. The first song is a garage rocker with anti-LBJ Great Society sentiment and bile to match in the lyrics. It’s dirty punk before punk is a thing. Zappa is barely singing, mostly sneering his lyrics. Ray Collins is carrying most of the melody vocally. Ray does such a great job as a singer and as a straight man to Frank’s wiseguy on the side.

 

“I Aint Got No Heart” is a vicious anti-love love song. Ray handles the lead and Frank lays back and harmonizes instead. They don’t play it for laughs which gives the song its’ power. There’s a hallucinatory cut right at the end that you don’t expect. “Who Are The Brain Police?” is when things turn for the strange. More hallucinatory cuts and a main tune that disturbs. This song is why distorted fuzz bass was invented. Also the song is asking you who are the fucking brain police.

 

“Motherly Love” is a song about how good the Mothers of Invention are at sex. “Wowie Zowie” is a nonsense with a nice marimba part that’s designed to make children happy even though there’s a line that says “I don’t even care if your dad’s [a cop]”.

 

The first disc on “Freak Out!” is a cynical take on 60’s culture and pop music skewed and bent totally out of shape with lyrics that reflect the band’s daily reality as a nighttime entertainment on the Los Angeles club circuit. “You’re Probably Wondering Why I’m Here” is the culmination of the bar-band musician’s nightmare and he completes that sentence with “and so am I, so am I”.

 

Disc two is where “Freak Out!” separates itself from any other album before or after it. “Trouble Every Day” is the last conventional song, a lengthy talking protest blues written by Frank after the Watts riot in ’65. It is unfortunately still timely today.

 

“Hey you know something people? I’m not black but there’s a whole lotsa times I wish I could say I’m not white!”

 

You know we got to sit around at home
And watch this thing begin
But I bet there won’t be many live
To see it really end
‘Cause the fire in the street
Ain’t like the fire in the heart
And in the eyes of all these people
Don’t you know that this could start
On any street in any town
In any state if any clown
Decides that now’s the time to fight
For some ideal he thinks is right
And if a million more agree
There ain’t no Great Society
As it applies to you and me
Our country isn’t free

 

From there, the album devolves or evolves into experimental music. First with the bizarre “Help I’m A Rock” which uses those hallucinatory cuts from “Who Are The Brain Police” to connect its’ parts. Smash cuts of gibberish over a one-note beat into multi-level stoned doo-wop about Kansas and swimming pools, all with the sinister refrain “it can’t happen here”.  In between, Frank complains about being a rock: “Wow, man, it’s a drag being a rock. I wish I was anything but a rock. Heck, I’d even like to be a policeman.”

 

 

The final track on “Freak Out!” is “Return Of The Son Of Monster Magnet”. It’s about twelve minutes long and is the sound of a room full of acid freaks banging on a bunch of rented percussion equipment. The only people not on acid during the recording were Frank (notoriously straight his whole life) and the recording engineer. The “song” is an edited but unfinished rhythm track (because the label would not let Frank spend more money to finish it) and sounds like a trip, either good or bad. Through the acid mist, there’s the mocking voice of Frank Zappa cutting in to say “America is wonderful! Wonderful wonderful wonderful! It really makes it!” before the track speeds up into absurdity and flies away forever.

 

A lot of bands tried to copy “Sgt. Pepper’s” after it came out but many more tried to copy “Freak Out!” right down to its’ end-of-album freak-out. Some albums become important retroactively but “Freak Out!” had an impact that was felt immediately. Every band had to try to do their own version of that album.

 

Frank didn’t know if he would ever get a shot like that again. He was twenty-five, which was old for rock ‘n roll at the time. The Mothers were not an attractive band but what they had were attitude and commitment to an ideal. They also had the chops to go against just about any other band but what did any of that mean career-wise? They were still struggling on the club circuit. If you only get one chance you want to make it the best you can and not save your better material for better circumstances. You have three days to make this album. The band is practically starving. Well-rehearsed but starving. What do you do?

 

You swing for the fucking fences? That’s what you do.

 

Frank made over sixty albums in his lifetime. Some of them are pretty good (“One Size Fits All”, “Joe’s Garage”), some of them are the dirt worst ever released (hi, “Thing-Fish”) but NONE of them would exist without the artistic success that was “Freak Out!” which is worth it all on its’ own.

Ghostbusters: Please Click And Read

July 12th, 2016

This is a shameless attempt on my part to get clicks from people who want to hate-read about the new Ghostbusters movie. Please don’t leave yet.

 

I’m not going to watch the movie. Not because of the women being Ghostbusters thing. That doesn’t bother me. I don’t go to the movies all that often and when I do it’s something that really jumps out at me. I am a hard consumer to attract, the middle-aged man who has to go to movies alone.

 

I saw the trailer on Youtube a few months ago and it looked terrible. As if it were punishment for an audience that demanded their movies be thought-free and bombastic. A lot of Hollywood movies give off that vibe. Like a giant fireworks display you pay $15 to see, plus concessions. So this remake isn’t any different in my view.

 

But since this piece of shit movie has four women in the lead and is a remake of a beloved 1980s franchise film, a lot of shitheads are losing their shit over it. These shitheads are leaking the shit from their heads all over the Internet and losing their shit on Youtube videos that go on way too long and in torrents of poorly-spelled tweets and god knows how many conversations on reddit. There is more shit to go with this movie than all the methane labs in all of Texas.

 

Yes, it’s possible to hate this film and not be sexist about it. It shouldn’t be that hard. It takes a lot of people to make a movie either good or bad. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe the blame lays square at the feet of Paul Feig who co-wrote and directed this remake. Or maybe I’m wrong because the movie is actually magnificent but I wouldn’t know because I haven’t seen it yet.

 

Or maybe I’m sexist. There exists many possibilities.

Don’t Be A Dick

July 8th, 2016

“At this point I have a request for our fans. If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us – leave us the fuck alone! Don’t come to our shows and don’t buy our records.”

Kurt Cobain, Incesticide liner notes

 

I used to think this was a righteous position to take. Of course, when I read the liner notes to Nirvana’s Incesticide I was fifteen. So some of the things I thought then may not have been totally right.

 

In the last twenty five years, I have become a musician myself. I joined up with a band and we play shows from time. And although my band has nothing in common with Nirvana, in sound or in size of audience, most people will agree that we sound like their first demo tape which was called Fecal Matter.

 

So I’d like to take this opportunity to invite everyone to any shows that I perform at. Gays and homophobes. Racists of all colors, racists against all colors, music lovers of all colors. Women and the men who hate them and the women who hate themselves. People who are intolerant of a certain religion or all religions, as well as people who worship under the banner of those religions. . . you are all invited to my shows. Man and woman, hater and lover, one and all. You’re all welcome.

 

I’ll tell you why I write this. Because rather than tell haters, racists, and phobes to keep out I would prefer it if we all actually acquainted and rubbed elbows. If you’re racists against blacks, for example, and you make a black friend at a show you may say “they’re one of the good ones”. Then you meet a few more and then you think the same thing until you’ve made so many black friends you start to think “wow, I’ve been thinking about this all wrong, I don’t know too many bad black people. All the blacks I know are as bitchin’ as a motorcycle handjob!”

 

I don’t know if motorcycle handjobs are a thing.

 

Let’s try meeting each other and giving that a shot for a while instead of bitching about each other on Facebook and Twitter. I only have a few basic rules for coming to my gigs: don’t be a dick and leave your guns at home. Thank you in advance.

Best Matches Of 2016 (So Far)

July 1st, 2016

Here is a list that causes me great shame and pride at the same time. This is my list of my favorite matches from the first six months of the year. These are wrestling matches. These are not movies. Or songs. Or albums. Just wrestling matches.

 

I started keeping a list at the beginning of the year and kept adding to it. This is a chronological list featuring wrestling in the United States, Mexico, Japan and Europe. WWE is represented, as are other major promotions like New Japan, Ring Of Honor, AAA and CMLL. Women’s wrestling is represented, mostly Japanese promotions like Stardom, Ice Ribbon and Sendai Girls promotions but also from NXT, WWE’s developmental system. Independent wrestling is well represented from all over the world. Southern US, PWG, the UK, Japan, even Italian indies. Matches that took place in front of thousands, in front of hundreds, in front of dozens.

 

For some this list is too long. For others, this list is missing things. So here it is, and after that I will make shortlist about the very best of the matches on the list.

Participants (Stipulation) – Promotion Name of Event, Date

 

 

Maximo Sexy Vs. Kamaitachi (Hair vs. Hair Match) CMLL Sin Piedad, January 1
Drew Galloway vs. Jack Evans – PWG Lemmy, January 2
Tomoaki Honma & Togi Makabe Vs. Doc Gallows & Karl Anderson (IWGP Heavyweight Tag Titles Match) – NJPW Wrestle Kingdom 10, January 4
DASH Chisako & Sendai Sachiko vs. Command Bolshoi & Kyoko Kumara – Sendai Girls Pro Wrestling, January 9
Aja Kong vs. Chihiro Hashimoto (#1 Contender’s Match) – Sendai Girls Pro Wrestling, January 9
Io Shirai vs. Kairi Hojo (World Of Stardom Title) – Stardom 5th Anniversary Show, January 17
Don Fuiji & Yosuke Santa Maria vs. Mondai Ryu & Naoki Tanizaki – Dragon Gate Open The New Year Gate, January 17
Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens (Intercontinental Title, Last Man Standing) WWE Royal Rumble, January 20
Los Ingobernales de Japan (Tetsuya Naito, BUSHI and EVIL) vs. Atlantis, Fuego, Mascara Dorada – NJPW Fantasticamania Day 3 – January 20
Daisuke Sekimoto vs. Hiroshu Fukuda – BASARA First Show, January 21
Yuji Okabayashi vs. Kyoto Hama (BJW Strong Title Match) – BJW, January 24
Team Dr. Cerebro vs. Team Black Terry (Torneo Cibernetico – Copa Higher Power), IWRG Zona XXI, January 27
CHAOS (Nakamura, Ishii, Okada) vs. Tanahashi, Goto, Shibata – NJPW, Road To The New Beginning (Day 2), January 30
Minoru Suzuki vs. Go Shiozaki, Pro Wrestling NOAH Great Voyage 2016 In Yokohama, January 31
Naomichi Marufuji vs. Takashi Sugiura (GHC Title Match) Pro Wrestling NOAH Great Voyage 2016 In Yokohama, January 31
Isami Kodaka vs. Masa Takanashi (KO-D Openweight Title Match) – Dramatic Dream Team Sweet Dreams 2016, January 31 (aired February 13)

Dia.Hearts (T-Hawk, Akira Tozawa, Masato Yoshino, Syachihoko BOY) vs. Monster Express (Kzy, Big R Shimizu, Dragon Kid, Masaaki Mochizuki) vs. Verserk (Kotoka, Naruki Doi, YAMATO, Shingo Takagi) (Losing Unit Disbands Elimination Match) – Dragon Gate Truth Gate (Day 2), February 4
AJ Styles vs. Corey Hollis – Georgia Premier Wrestling, February 5
Chelsea Green, Evie, Viper, Kellie Skater & Santana Garrett vs. Io Shirai, Kairi Hojo, Mayu Iwatani, Momo Watanabe & Jungle Kyona (Elimination Tag Match) – Stardom 5th Anniversary: Stardom Vs. The World, February 7
King Cuerno vs. Fenix (Last Luchador Standing) – Lucha Underground, February 10
KAI vs. Seiya Senada – Wrestle-1, February 10
Sami Callihan vs. Mike Bailey – CZW Seventeen, February 13
Kushida vs. BUSHI (IWGP Jr. Hvy. Title Match) – NJPW New Beginning In Niigata, February 13
Kenny Omega vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi (IWGP Intercontinental Match) – NJPW New Beginning In Niigata, February 13
OGM vs. Charlie Kid (Italian Title vs. Career match)- Italian Championship Wrestling Pandemonium XIV, uploaded February 15
Jun Akiyama & Yuma Aoyagi vs. Jake Lee & Kento Miyahara, AJPW Excite Series, February 16
Minoru Suzuki, Benjamin, Archer, Smith Jr, Suguira vs. Shiozaki, Nakajima, Kitamiya, Marufuji, Taniguchi (Elimination Tag Match), NOAH Second Navigation, February 19
Mascara Dorada vs. Mephisto (CMLL World Welterweight Title)- CMLL Arena Mexico, February 19
Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio (United States Title Match, 2/3 falls) – WWE Fastlane Kickoff, February 21
Dragon Lee vs. Extreme Tiger – LLE Domingos Elite, February 21
Ken45, Minamino, Manjimaru vs. Hidaka, Nohashi, Daichi Sasaki – Michinoku Pro, February 20
Zeuxis vs. Silueta (Mexican Women’s Title Match) – CMLL Arena Mexico, February 23

Mascara Dorada vs. Negro Casas (CMLL World Welterweight Title) – CMLL Guadalajara Martes, March 1
Chris Hero vs. Evil Uno – PWG All Star Weekend 12 Night 1, March 4
Marty Scuril vs. Kyle O’Reilly – PWG All Star Weekend 12 Night 1, March 4
Ricochet & Matt Sydal vs. JT Dunn & Chris Hero – PWG All Star Weekend 12 Night 2, March 5
Dragon Lee vs. Kamaitachi (CMLL World Lightweight Title) – CMLL Arena Mexico – March 4
Hijo del Fantasma vs. Octagon Jr vs. Fenix vs. Pentagon Jr. (Elimination Match) – AAA Lucha Libre, March 7
Trevor Lee vs. Roy Wilkins (CWF Mid-Atlantic Heavyweight Title, No DQ, No Time Limit) – CWF Mid-Atlantic End Of An Era 2016, March 9
Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn (2-out-of-3 Falls Match) WWE NXT – March 9
Prince Puma vs. Mil Muertas vs. Pentagon, Jr. (Lucha Underground Title) – Lucha Underground, March 9
Meiko Satomura vs. Syuri – Sendai Girls at Shinjuki FACE, March 11
Big Cass & Enzo Amore vs. The Revival (NXT Tag Title Match) WWE Roadblock, March 12
Mat Fitchett vs. Drew Gulak – AAW Homecoming, March 18
Sami Callihan vs. Ricochet (AAW Championship Match) – AAW Homecoming, March 18
Mistico, Dragon Lee, Mascara Dorada, El Valiente vs. Kamaitachi, Okumura, Fujin, Raijin – CMLL Homenja a Dos Leyendas, March 18
Maximo Sexy vs. Rush (Hair vs. Hair Match) – CMLL Homenja a Dos Leyendas, March 18
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Satoshi Kojima (NEVER Openweight Title Match) – NJPW Road To Invasion Attack, March 19
Ultimo Guerrero vs. Caristico – CMLL at Arena Pueblo, March 21
Kota Ibushi & Gota Ihashi vs. KENZO & Nakazawa vs. Jun Kasai & Takagi (Falls Count Anywhere) – DDT Judgement, March 21
Marty Scurll vs. Will Ospreay vs. Zack Gibson vs. Rampage Brown vs. Paul Robinson vs. Morgan Webster vs. Mark Haskins vs. Mark Andrews vs. Eddie Dennis (Thunderbastard Gauntlet Match) (Progress Title Match) Progress Chapter 27: The Lost Art Of Suffering, March 27
Mascara Dorada vs. Cavanario (CMLL World Welterweight Title) – CMLL Arena Pueblo – March 28

Mascara Dorada vs. Extreme Tiger (Liga Elite Series) – LLE On Lucha Azteca 7 (airdate: April 1)
Okada, Goto, Ishii vs. Naito, EVIL, Bushi – NJPW Road To Invasion Attack Day 9 – April 1
Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Sami Zayn – NXT Takeover Dallas, April 1
Asuka vs. Bailey (NXT Women’s Title Match) – NXT Takeover Dallas, April 1
Samoa Joe vs. Finn Balor (NXT Championship Match) – NXT Takeover Dallas, April 1
Kota Ibushi, Johnny Gargano, TJP vs. Will Ospreay, Tommy End, Marty Scurll – WWN Supershow Mercury Rising, April 2
Mayumi Ozaki vs. Arisa Nakajima (JWP Openweight Title) – JWP Mania X, April 3
Nikki Storm vs. Sammii Jayne (Loser Leaves ICW Match) ICW Barramania 2, April 3
Meiko Satomura vs Aja Kong (Sendai Girls World Title Match) – Sendai Girls PW, April 8
Ryota Hama vs. Yuji Okabayashi (Strong Climb Block B) – Ikkitousen Strong Climb, April 9
Chris Hero vs. Trevor Lee – AAW Epic, April 9
Kushida vs. Will Ospreay (IWGP Jr. Heavyweight Title) – NJPW Invasion Attack, April 10
Tetsuya Naito vs. Kazuchika Okada (IWGP Heavyweight Title) – NJPW Invasion Attack, April 10
Los Mariachi Locos vs. Los Terribles Cerebros (Mexican State Trios Titles) – IWRG Zona XXI, April 11
Roman Reigns & Bray Wyatt vs. Sheamus & Alberto Del Rio – WWE Monday Night Raw, April 11
Zach Sabre Jr. vs. Michael Elgin (British Heavyweight Title Match) – Rev Pro Sittingbourne Spectacular, April 17
Fenix vs. Pentagon Jr. – Oudou Royal Road The Beginning, April 20
Zeus vs. Daisuke Sekimoto (Champions Carnival Final) – AJPW Champion Carnival, April 24
Rey Hechicero vs. Negro Casas (2 Out of 3 Falls) – Promociones Reza Fighters Nice, April 24
Minoru Tanaka vs. Tatsuhiko Yoshino – Guts World Volume 96, April 25
Volador, Jr. vs. Mascara Dorado (Liga Elite Series) – LLE On Lucha Azteca 7 (airdate: April 29)
Los Ingobernales vs. La Familia Real – LLE On Lucha Azteca 7 (airdate: April 29)

Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn – WWE Payback, May 1
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (WWE World Heavyweight Title Match) – WWE Payback, May 1
Katsuyori Shibata vs. Yuji Nagata (NEVER Openweight Championship Match) – NJPW Wrestling Dontaku, May 3
T-Hawk & Big R Shimizu vs. Dragon Kid & Eita (Open The Twin Gate Title Match) – Dragon Gate Dead Or Alive 2016, May 5
Yamato vs. Cyber Kong vs. Kotoka vs. Shingo Takagi vs. Naoki Tanizaki vs. Naruki Doi (Steel Cage Double Risk Survival Mask Lose Hair For A Year Or Mask On The Line) Dragon Gate Dead Or Alive 2016, May 5
Ken & Ryu vs. DARK Sheik & Ean Hancement vs. Johnny & Anthony Butabi, Hoodslam Super Muscle BOMB Exploder 2016: Dawn Of Bustas, May 6
Pentagon Jr. vs. Fenix – AAW Take No Prisoners, May 6
War Machine vs. The Briscoes (ROH Tag Team Title Match), ROH Global Wars, May 8
Will Ospreay vs. Ashley Dunn, House Of Pain Evolution Milton Keynes Academy 5, May 8
YAMATO vs. Punch Tominaga (King Of Gate Tournament Block Match), Dragon Gate King Of Gate Day 1, May 8
Akira Tozawa vs. Eita (King Of Gate Tournament Block Match), Dragon Gate King Of Gate Day 2, May 11
Shingo Takagi vs. YAMATO (King Of Gate Tournament Block Match), Dragon Gate King Of Gate Day 2, May 11
Faby Apache & Mary Apache vs. Lady Shani & La Hiedra, AAA Sin Limite, May 14 (airdate)
Caifan vs. Dr Cerebro, Lucha Memes at Coliseo Coacalco, May 15
Virus vs. Hechicero, Lucha Memes at Coliseo Coacalco, May 15
Bayley vs. Nia Jax, WWE NXT, May 18 (airdate)
Matt Sydal vs. Ryusuke Taguchi (Tournament Block Match) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 1, May 21
KUSHIDA vs. Kyle O’Reilly (Tournament Block Match) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 1, May 21
Io Shirai vs. Mayu Iwatani (World Of Stardom Title Match) – Stardom Gold May 2016, May 22
The Miz vs. Kevin Owens vs. Sami Zayn vs. Cesaro (Intercontinental Title Match) – WWE Extreme Rules, May 22
Roman Reigns vs. AJ Styles (WWE World Heavyweight Title Extreme Rules Match) – WWE Extreme Rules, May 22
KUSHIDA vs. Rocky Romero (Tournament Block Match) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 3, May 23
Kento Miyahara vs. Daisuke Sekimoto (Triple Crown Title) – AJPW Super Power Series at Korakuen, May 25
Ricochet vs. Will Ospreay (Tournament Block Match) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 6 May 27
Naito, BUSHI, EVIL & SANADA vs. Gedo, Ishii, Okada and Goto – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 6, May 27
Garza Jr., Nino Hambuguesa, and Ludxor vs. Pentagon Jr., Joe Lider and Daga – Promociones Contraras Proconmania Dos Decadas, May 27

Sami Callihan vs. Aaron Williams (RockStar Pro World Title Match) – RockStar Pro Wrestling Amped, June 1
Chris Gethard, Rhino, Sean Waltman & Colt Cabana vs. Vacation Jason, Coconut, Pineapple, & Jon Hamm (Chris gets the Human Fish or taken out of Human Existence match) – The Chris Gethard Show, June 1
The Revival vs. American Alpha (NXT Tag Team Title Match) – NXT Evansville Encounter Live, June 2
YAMATO vs. Don Fuiji (Tournament Block Match) – Dragon Gate King Of Gate Day 14, June 2
Eita vs. Jimmy Susumu (Tournament Block Match) – Dragon Gate King Of Gate Day 14, June 2
Kushida vs. Matt Sydal (Tournament Block Match) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 11, June 3
Psycho Clown, Texano Jr & Pentagon Jr. vs. Akebono, Masato Tanaka, Ikuta Hidaka (Tournament Match) – AAA Lucha World Cup, June 3
Caristico vs. Mascara Dorada (Liga Elite Series) – LLE Jueves Elite, June 3
Jay Lethal vs. Donovan Dijak – ROH on SBG, June 4
Volador Jr. vs. Ricochet (Tournament Block Match) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 12, June 5
Will Ospreay vs. Ryusuke Taguchi (Super Juniors Final) – NJPW Best Of The Super Juniors Day 14, June 7
KAI vs Shotaro Ashino (Wrestle-1 Title) – Wrestle-1 Tour Outbreak 2016, June 8
Asuka vs. Nia Jax (NXT Women’s Title) – NXT Takeover: The End, June 8
Barbaro Cavernario vs. Rey Cometa (Mexican National Welterweight Title) – CMLL Super Viernes, June 10
Brahman Brothers vs. Ikuto Hidaka & Minoru Fujita (MPW Tohoru Tag Titles vs. UWA Tag Titles Match) – Michinoku Pro Kyoten Dochi, June 10
Matt Tremont vs. Jeff Cannonball (Home Run Derby Deathmatch) – CZW Tournament Of Death XV, June 11
Will Ospreay vs. Speedball Mike Bailey – Rev Pro Angle Vs. Sabre Jr., June 12
YAMATO vs. Big R Shimuzu (King Of Gate Finals) – Dragon Gate King Of Gate Finale, June 12
Kairi Hojo vs. Hiroyo Matsumoto – Kenta Kobashi Produce: Fortune Dream 3, June 14
Go Shiozaki & Yuji Okabayashi vs. Yuji Hino & Daisuke Sekimoto – Kenta Kobashi Produce: Fortune Dream 3, June 14
Dragon Rojo, Jr. vs. Guerrero Maya (CMLL World Middleweight Title) – CMLL Martes Arena Mexico, June 14
Ultimo Guerrero vs. Valiente (NWA World Historic Middleweight Title) – CMLL Super Viernes, June 17
Kenny Omega vs. Michael Elgin (IWGP Intercontinental Title Ladder Match) – NJPW Dominion, June 19
Yuji Nagata vs. Katsuyori Shibata (NEVER Openweight Title) – NJPW Dominion, June 19
AJ Styles vs. John Cena – WWE Money In The Bank, June 19
Pete Dunne & Damian Dunne vs. Mark Andrews & Eddie Dennis – PROGRESS 31: All Hail The New Puritans, June 19
Marty Scuril vs. Chris Hero (PROGRESS World Title) – PROGRESS 31: All Hail The New Puritans June 19
Rey Cometa, Panther, & Blue Panther, Jr. vs. Okumura, Ranjin & Fujin – CMLL Arena Puebla, June 20
Kyle O’Reilly vs. Kamaitachi – ROH Best In The World ’16, June 24
Shuji Ishikawa vs. Shigehiro Irie (King of DDT Semifinal) – DDT King of DDT 2016, June 26
EVIL & SANADA vs. YOSHI-HASHI & Hirooki Goto – NJPW Kizuna Road Day 3, June 27
Tetsuya Naito & BUSHI vs. Will Ospreay & Kazuchika Okada – NJPW Kizuna Road Day 3, June 27
Cedric Alexander vs. Darius Lockhart (PWI Ultra J Title) – CWF Mid-Atlantic Worldwide, June 29 (air date)

 

I think there are 131 matches on this list. Here are five that stood out to me the most:

Best Women’s Match: Meiko Satomura vs. Aja Kong (Sendai Girls World Title Match) – Sendai Girls Pro Wrestling, April 8.

Meiko and Aja are two legendary Japanese women who put on matches that are not good for women’s matches but good for wrestling matches. How do they do it? They beat each other up. I know, right.

 

Best Mexican Match: Dragon Lee vs. Kamaitachi (CMLL World Lightweight Title) – CMLL at Arena Mexico, March 4.

Two high-flying youngsters; one a masked luchador, the other a red-haired Japanese invader. They engage in a battle that is part-slam dunk contest, part-kamikaze death march.

 

Best Tag Match: Go Shiozaki & Yuji Okabayashi vs. Daisuke Sekimoto & Yuji Hino – Fortune Dream 3, June 14

Over thirty minutes of four men chopping each other really, really hard. What was the occasion? The issue? Nothing but pleasing show promoter and retired legend Kenta Kobashi. I think he was happy with this one.

 

Best American Match: Sami Zayn vs. Shinsuke Nakamura – NXT Takeover: Dallas, April 1

Add Nakamura (the most charismatic performer today) with Zayn (one of the hardest working wrestlers out there) and the atmosphere of a charged Dallas crowd on Wrestlemania weekend, and you get a match that caused the crowd to chant “FIGHT FOREVER!”

 

Overall Favorite Match: YAMATO vs. Naruki Doi vs. Shingo Takagi vs. Cyber Kong vs. Kotoka vs. Naoki Tanazaki (Steel Cage Hair Or Mask Match) – Dragon Gate Dead Or Alive 5

This match was so epic it needed the “Indiana Jones” music playing underneath it.