Burn Your NFL Draft Card

April 12th, 2016

Here is a cold take about the NFL Draft which is happening in about two weeks.


The draft will be held in Chicago this year. It is open to the public. Please do not attend. Are you a sports fan? Go attend something else. The NFL Draft is not a sporting event.


Every year thousands of fans flock to the draft to yell and boo at names being announced at a podium. That’s all that happens. The thirty-two NFL teams pick from a pool of eligible college football players. Every fifteen minutes they announce a team picking a player. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.


There is no reason to attend it. There’s no reason to even watch it on television. It’s a three day event. All you have to do is find out who your team picked after the draft. You don’t know who these kids are. You don’t know who the seventh-round kick returner from Northern Colorado is. That kid might be a future Super Bowl MVP. He might end up washing cars for a living. You don’t know. The pro analysts like Mel Kiper don’t know and they spend the whole year trying to figure this stuff out. They get paid a lot of money to know this stuff. You don’t have a hope in hell.


There is no sports at the NFL Draft. They read names at a podium every fifteen minutes. Nothing going on. Nobody throws a ball. Nobody kicks a ball. Nobody gets tackled. People puts on hats and hug the commissioner. That’s it. If you go to this thing I will kick you in the chest. I can’t even kick that high but I will for this exception. You fucking idiot. You wear a jersey and facepaint to the fucking draft. My stars and garters. Maybe we should shut down this whole “white male” thing.

(looks in mirror)


You know what? I’m probably being a bit harsh.

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