Archive for April, 2016

Best Titles Of Unreleased Prince Songs

April 29th, 2016

One day we may officially hear these songs now that the Purple Rainmaker has shuffled off this mortal coil. This list of songs is cribbed from PrinceVault.com and is far from the complete list of unreleased songs.

 

  • 3 Nigs Watchin’ A Kung Fu Movie
  • Cold Coffee And Cocaine
  • Electric Intercourse
  • Good Dick And A Job
  • High Calonic
  • I Met A Virgin Queen
  • Me Touch Myself
  • Most Strongest Whiskey
  • Neurotic Lover’s Baby Bedroom
  • She Pony
  • Small Grey Monkey
  • Work That Fat
  • Zebra With The Blonde Hair
  • Pizza

For some reason, “Pizza” is the most intriguing song title of all of these. Either that or “3 Nigs Watchin’ A Kung Fu Movie” because what can they possibly sound like? I wonder if Prince didn’t know the proper spelling of “colonic”. Somebody had to tell him. That had to be a misspelling on purpose. Some of these feel like a make-your-own-Prince-song adventure.

According to PrinceVault.com, “Pizza” features lyrics “about one girl attacking another until her face looks like a pizza.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound good. I was hoping it would be a “Cream”-esque funky song about how great pizza is.

I’ve Had All Weekend To Process This

April 24th, 2016

It didn’t hit me right away. Same thing with Michael Jackson. When MJ died, it wasn’t until I was on Youtube watching him do the “Dancing Machine” robot gimmick that I realized I missed him and that took me about a week. Somebody edited together all the MJ robot dances over the years and it was great and I was like “oh yeah this guy is great. . . or he was great. Damn.”

 

It didn’t as long for me to start missing Prince. Youtube has been festooned with Prince songs and videos (which I’m sure will not last, as Prince was against his music being on Youtube). I watched the “1999” video last night and that’s when I realized I would miss him. “1999” was the first thing I remember seeing from him. Maybe some of you were there for “Controversy” or “Dirty Mind” or “Soft & Wet” but I was five in 1983 so “1999” was my earliest memory.

 

I don’t just miss Prince. I miss Prince and the Revolution. I miss that weird guy on keyboards who wore the doctor’s scrubs. I miss the drummer who dressed like Prince even though he was a white guy and probably a foot taller than Prince. I miss the black guitarist with the feathered hair and the Japanese rising sun headband. I miss those two chicks stand-spooning singing into the same microphone, especially the blonde girl in the lingerie and the hat.

 

As a kid, I thought these people were the most fun group of people on earth. They all had their own thing, like the Scooby Doo gang. They had their own Batcave like Batman (I assumed the “1999” set was their Batcave/house). They played instruments. They were the Justice League, the Scooby Doo gang and the Partridge Family rolled into one except better and not suitable for child’s viewing. And when you’re five that makes total sense.

 

But then you can’t watch Partridge Family anymore because the songs aren’t as good and the band isn’t as cool. Scooby Doo has mysteries but doesn’t have any tunes. Batman had hot chicks around but again, no jams. So the only place to get everything in one shot was Prince and The Revolution. They might be one small reason why I’m a musician and not a teenage detective or a masked crimefighter. Just one small reason.

 

So I miss Prince, but I also miss Wendy and Lisa, and I miss Bobby Z, and Dr. Fink, and BrownMark, and Dez, and Jill Jones because if I had a time machine right now I’d go to the “1999” video and say what up. I want to go back. I want to live in all those Prince music videos up to “U Got The Look” because they seem like the most fun places on earth.

My Arm Hurts

April 22nd, 2016

My left bicep hurts. I hurt myself this morning when I was adjusting my mattress. I fell over and used my arm to keep from banging my head against the wall. I didn’t bang my hang but I pulled a muscle. What made me think I had the arms of Samson that would keep me from banging my head and also keep me from falling down? I have taken a pain reliever but that’s it. I hope this is a temporary situation.

 

My computer needed repair again. Do not buy a used computer. My used computer did not come with all the screws in it. It cost $50 to get repaired. The lack of screws caused the housing to come loose which caused the power jack to come loose and then the the zzzzz…… my god. The hinges and the screws and the power jack and used computer. Never buy a used computer.

 

Since I last checked in, Chyna and Prince died. I don’t know what to say. I enjoyed watching Chyna in the WWE. I liked a lot of Prince songs. Still do. I’ve heard more unreleased Prince songs than I’ve heard released Prince songs. I was really sad about Chyna being dead and then Prince dies and then Chyna becomes an afterthought after a few hours. I haven’t even thought about Prince yet.

 

I keep thinking about how hard it has to be when one is removed from reality and humanity. When you really need love and compassion and empathy but you can’t seem to get it at that moment. Prince was a superstar, a beloved musical legend. Chyna was a fallen star, a reality show reject who dabbled in pornography. And they both died, too young and alone. One from chosen isolation, one isolated by default.

 

I try to be kind to everybody now. I know what it’s like to need kindness and not be able to get it.

An Open Letter To Podcasters

April 17th, 2016

Dear “The Podcasting Community”,

 

How are you, podcasters? Been living well? Taking care of your voices? Getting all the uh’s and um’s out of your system? Good deal. We need to talk. You’ve got a problem.

 

Many of you are way too long. Why do so many of you have to be three hours long or more? Don’t you know that we, “the podcast listeners”, listen to multiple podcasts and don’t have time in a week to follow through all your too-long shows?

 

Two hours is really pushing it if want my opinion. Especially if your podcast is focused on one subject. Do you expect me to listen to a two-hour dissection of an episode of Full House? Assuming I was even a fan of Full House.

 

You wrestling podcasters are the worst at this stuff? Three hour podcasts? Really? You all complain about how WWE Raw is too long since it went to three hours and now you’re committing the same crime against my ears. You can’t be Bryan Danielson so you gotta be Bryan Alvarez? Can’t be Dave Bautista so you try to be Dave Meltzer.

 

Most people who podcast shouldn’t.

Burn Your NFL Draft Card

April 12th, 2016

Here is a cold take about the NFL Draft which is happening in about two weeks.

 

The draft will be held in Chicago this year. It is open to the public. Please do not attend. Are you a sports fan? Go attend something else. The NFL Draft is not a sporting event.

 

Every year thousands of fans flock to the draft to yell and boo at names being announced at a podium. That’s all that happens. The thirty-two NFL teams pick from a pool of eligible college football players. Every fifteen minutes they announce a team picking a player. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

 

There is no reason to attend it. There’s no reason to even watch it on television. It’s a three day event. All you have to do is find out who your team picked after the draft. You don’t know who these kids are. You don’t know who the seventh-round kick returner from Northern Colorado is. That kid might be a future Super Bowl MVP. He might end up washing cars for a living. You don’t know. The pro analysts like Mel Kiper don’t know and they spend the whole year trying to figure this stuff out. They get paid a lot of money to know this stuff. You don’t have a hope in hell.

 

There is no sports at the NFL Draft. They read names at a podium every fifteen minutes. Nothing going on. Nobody throws a ball. Nobody kicks a ball. Nobody gets tackled. People puts on hats and hug the commissioner. That’s it. If you go to this thing I will kick you in the chest. I can’t even kick that high but I will for this exception. You fucking idiot. You wear a jersey and facepaint to the fucking draft. My stars and garters. Maybe we should shut down this whole “white male” thing.

(looks in mirror)

 

You know what? I’m probably being a bit harsh.