Junk Bomb JPG Blues

January 27th, 2016

I have never sent a picture of my junk to a girl. I am far too paranoid to do such a thing.

Even if I’d been asked to send a picture I still wouldn’t send a picture of it. I can just picture some girl I’m texting with hanging out with her besties, having a cold drink and joking around and waiting for me to send it. Then they get a picture of my junk and they’re like OHMYGODHEACTUALLYDIDITCANYOUBELIEVEITLOOKATTHEPOORTHINGHAHAHAHLOLOLOL.

I am too paranoid at times, but on this one I think I’m on the money. You need to be a little paranoid in order to survive. Maybe all the conspiracies that cause people to be paranoid are bunk. Maybe JFK was killed by Lee Harvey Oswald and nobody else. Maybe 9/11 was carried out by terrorists without the assistance of our government. Maybe the New England Patriots truly earned those first three titles they won with Tom Brady.

Whether or not we believe this things, we need to believe at least one thing (and I’m talking to the fellas here): if you send a girl a unsolicited picture of your junk you are flirting with disaster. For one thing, she probably didn’t expect to see it when she opened her messages. For another thing, the male genitalia do not look well in the harsh light of a phone flash. And rather than interpret your intended message of “I am a sexual man. I want to do sex with you and use this as my primary implement of fun-having”, your junk jpg will more than likely cause the gal to be. . . revulsed.


Look at Brett Favre, the poor sap. A former NFL MVP, Super Bowl winner, one of the greatest quarterbacks in history. He sent some girl a picture of his junk unsolicited. And she laughed at it! Why? For one, it was a pathetic excuse for an erection (compared in at least one comment section as resembling “a four-inch thumb”). For another thing, she wasn’t interested. She didn’t care about the MVP and Super Bowl trophies. She didn’t care about him throwing four touchdowns against the Raiders the day after his father dropped dead. She didn’t care. Know why?


Because she just wasn’t into him. He pestered her with phone messages but she wasn’t into it. Being a quarterback, Brett thought it was Hail Mary time and dropped the junk bomb via text jpg. It was needy and sad. It was pathetic. A man who had accomplished incredible things. . . acting like a goddamn fuckboi.


You can’t have any girl you want. Don’t you fucking know that already?


And the beat goes on…

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