Archive for May, 2015

Making Love On The Beach

May 28th, 2015

I just realized that I will never make love to my wife on the beach. I don’t have a wife and even if I did I hate beaches. They’re too hot and sandy. Especially for sex. Even at night, you still have to deal with the sand. “But I’ve brought a blanket for us!” Great, you’ve destroyed a perfectly nice blanket. What are you gonna do? Hose the thing off when you leave? Put it in the washer and let the sand collect in there? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

I would make love on the beach if I had a stolen blanket. “Ha! We’ve taken your blanket and defiled it with beach sand in addition to our sex sweat not to mention other things! We’ve Van Hagar-ed your shitty blanket!”

 

UNRELATED: Rough draft lyric for Madonna’s contribution to Britney Spears’ “Me Against The Music”: “Hey Britney, you say you wanna lose control/take a bunch of ecstacy and punch out a cop.”

 

Back to the wife thing, the lack of that prevents any beach-fucking: if I posted a personal ad it would be something like “Ignignokt seeks Err”

 

 

By the way, I heard that Aqua Teen is ending its run this year. I haven’t watched since the Handbanana episode which was nine years ago. Alas I’m sad to see it go. I kind of like that it exists even if I can’t stand it anymore.

And In The End…

May 25th, 2015

I was in a bar the other night with a friend where began talking about life. It’s hard to have a meaningful conversation with someone when a loud band is blaring in the next room and you’re surrounded by loud, drunken rednecks. It is possible, however briefly.

 

I remember saying “I’m ready to move on with my life.”

My friend said, “Usually, when people say that they already have moved on.”

 

Could that be true? Could I have already moved on with my life? Someone should have told me. I keep my phone on unless I’m at the doctor’s. Could have been sent a text “Mike, you’ve moved on already. No need to worry anymore.”

 

And yet here I am, concerned. Because to move on is to leave things behind that I don’t need anymore. It wouldn’t be a problem if we were talking about shirts or candy or pro wrestling or whatever. But what if your life takes you away from people you’ve spent a lot of it with. How do you say it? How do tell someone goodbye and leave them to go on your own path.

 

I have left behind a lot of people, so you think it would be natural. The friends I had when I was 18 were not the same friends I had at 22, or 27 or now. I didn’t stop being friends with everyone. I just moved on and got out of their lives.

 

Oh Zappa, You… Were Right

May 20th, 2015

Q: Do you think it’s necessary to have a college education to survive in today’s society?

ZAPPA: It’s probably a detriment.

Q: For what reason?

ZAPPA: Well, the only real reason for going to college is maybe you can go there and marry somebody who’s got some money already. But if you want to go out and earn a living, the best thing you can do is get out of high school and get a goddamn job. Because all the degrees in the world aren’t really gonna help you. You got people with fucking degrees in all kinds of stuff who wind up working in professions that require little or no education and here they spent thousands of dollars on getting it. And how does our society reward them? With dogshit.

 

I would like to point out this was first printed in 1978. I have a Bachelor’s degree I never use and by no means am I alone. I somehow got lucky enough to not rack up tens of thousands of dollars in student loans that would take a half-life to repay. College is a business. My alma mater will get exactly zero of my dollars. It’s not like I have that many to begin with. High school teaches you to be a good little consumer and for most young Americans, their first big purchase is a college education. Supposedly, it’s an investment but I think not.

I Wrote Rap Lyrics for a Bjork Remix

May 19th, 2015

In 2004, Bjork released her sixth studio album, Medulla. One of the songs on this album, “Triumph Of The Heart” was released as a single early the next year, where it charted in the United Kingdom, Spain and France.

 

That’s where I come in. In 2005, I was really starting to get the Kentucky Prophet thing underway and what better way to kick off a hot career in hip-hop by collaborating by an internationally recognized artist like Bjork.

 

 

As you can imagine, my work with Bjork was ill-fated, in the sense that I never got to collaborate with her and she has no idea I exist TO THIS DAY. Since it’s been over ten years since this would-be collaboration fell through, I feel comfortable sharing with you the lyrics I would have used for the remix.

 

I realize now that this was not my best work but you have to keep in mind this was 2004/2005-ish and while my lyrics lack a certain grace(?), fragility (?), talent (?), they are certainly in keeping with some popular variations of the rap form. Now that I’ve got the apology out of the way. . .

 

Yo Bork, I hear you from Iceland

Lemme go there, make it Paradiseland

Make it Very Niceland

Don’t give birth to kids, let your pussy be a vice grip

Let me in that tight shit

Rock you like a hurricane

Like a scorpio with a paranoid android membrane

Shout out to Thom Yorke, Bork.

Let me give you radio head, get you radio play

Every soldier in the Army of Me gotta get laid

Hey Bork, I know you wildin’

In the airport passin’ out violence

From the Medulla oblon-gotta get up in the guts

Oooh baby let me squeeze your butt

Light the menorah

Blow your brains out like that stalker in Florida

I believe that this is the jam of the year

Motherfuck Lars Von Trier

I Wrote A TV Theme Song

May 19th, 2015

There’s a hot new wrestling promotion out there. NXT? Lucha Underground? Nope, even hotter than that. So hot they haven’t had their first show yet.

 

Of course I’m talking about Global Force Wrestling. The company, started and ran by Jeff Jarrett will undertake its’ first live events and TV tapings this summer.

 

SLIDE-01

 

Any TV show needs a theme song, and I have supplied one myself. I haven’t heard back from GFW or Jarrett but I’m confident my song will be the one that opens GFW’s TV show when it finally airs at a date on a channel t.b.d.

 

Mike Farmer’s GFW Theme Song (lyrics and proof of concept)

 

Look out, old timer!

’cause the new kid’s back in town!

Jeff Jarrett’s got a brand new gig!

And he aint messin’ around!

We got Chael Sonnen talking!

Telling you what’s going on!

And we’re gonna knock your socks off!

Even if you don’t have any on!

(chorus:)

We are GFW!

And we don’t give a damn!

Global Force Wrestling is here!

We live for bodyslams!

We aint takin’ no prisoners!

No mercy, no remorse!

A horse is a horse is a horse of course!

Are you ready to JOIN THE FORCE?

(this part shouted by the entire GFW roster:)

HASHTAG JOIN THE FORCE!

HASHTAG JOIN THE FORCE!

HASHTAG JOIN THE FORCE!

HASHTAG GEORDI LAFORGE!

Genius Always Overcomes

May 18th, 2015

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Taylor is life. Taylor is love. Taylor is everything. Kiss kiss, bang bang.

Never Change, TMZ

May 18th, 2015

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Wrestlers Who Sing (Meme)

May 13th, 2015

Meme time.

0a2b2544 thepopeSINGS AUSTINANDROCKSING Heymansings AMBROSECENASING jimrosssings lawlersings otungasings samoajoeandkurtsing PunkSINGS

I Am No Dylan

May 6th, 2015

Bob Dylan is a very fascinating songwriter. So much that there are eleven in a “Bootleg Series” of unreleased material. Bob Dylan is so fascinating that people want to hear the songs that weren’t deemed good enough for an official album (of which there are three dozen).

 

Last week I considered releasing an album of unreleased demos. Rap songs from 2002-2009. I was going to release it either on Bandcamp or Soundcloud.

 

Then I actually listened to these songs. Boy oh boy oh boy. These songs are not worthy of release. Now that I think about it, they weren’t worthy of being recorded. They shouldn’t even have been written.

 

The blame for this is on me. My lyrics. The ideas in my lyrics. My stars. What a terrible execution on my part. It would be a disservice to the people who produced and collaborated with me on this music to let it out and give them credit for it.

 

Think about those old pictures of your folks wearing tacky clothes from the 70s or early 80s. Now imagine that instead of wearing silly clothes, they’re blowing a dog. That’s what this music sounds like. My unreleased songs sound like your parents blowing a dog. Metaphorically.

The Burger Is Back

May 4th, 2015

You can’t screw up a burger.

 

I’ve said this every time I done a restaurant review. It’s not that hard. You can’t screw up a burger. Any restaurant that has half-a-brain can do the burger without any mishaps.

 

This artisanal burger deal has got to stop. I was at a build-your-own-burger joint in Louisville that was hipster artisanal burger hell. I felt unworthy giving them my money. It’s a goddamn burger. You don’t have to give the cow a Calgon bath before blowing its’ brains out. That won’t make the burger taste better.

 

I heard the host or bartender or somebody tell a guest “They massage the cows with sake every day. I don’t know how it works but apparently it makes it taste better.” Jeez, I hope that’s a lie. Let’s go ahead and read the cows a bedtime story every night. “Goodnight, Moon”. That will justify me paying $2o for a burger.

 

This wouldn’t even bother me if the people behind this didn’t promote it like the burger was back “in”. “The burger is BACK in style, and better than ever.” Hamburgers don’t get to be in or out of style. They’re burgers. They’re just around. Sometimes you want one. You can’t screw it up unless it’s held together with human hair (which I’ve had, accidentally). I’m surprised human hair isn’t offered as a special topping along with lettuce and tomato, at this rate.