Archive for December, 2014

Hope For 2015?

December 30th, 2014

Uncertainty always gets to me. The potential for disaster is too great. However, uncertainty has an advantage over certainty and that is when you are certain of disaster ahead.

 

By the end of 2013 I was certain that 2014 would be horrible on as many levels as I could fathom. Now I stand (or sit, really) near the beginning of a new year and I am uncertain about what 2015 could bring. In some ways that is frightening. And yet it is a little refreshing. There is potential for greatness, happiness, hope, joy. I list those things as if they are on a grocery list, which goes to show you how little I comprehend greatness, happiness, hope, joy, etc. right now.

 

I want 2015 to be great. But I can’t do it alone. I don’t want it done for me. I just know that my ambition is greater than my ability. If I could pull off something fantastic, it would be impressive. I might have to become “we” and collaborate. That I am certain of, and for once certainty doesn’t intimidate me.

Christmas Visit

December 25th, 2014

We have to stop meeting like this.

 

This is the only place we ever get to meet. We can’t switch it up?

 

Furthermore, I end up doing all the talking. What’s the fun in that? There’s nothing to say on your end, is there?

 

I have to talk myself into coming to see you. But I couldn’t let it go. It’s Christmas day. I had to pay you a visit. Even if only for a moment. I have other people to see. People to hug and cry with and swap presents with and tell stories to. People to love and break bread with.

 

They would all rather you be there. In person, to touch and see. But that’s not how it is, is it?

 

It’s better this way. . . for you. Just not for us. I’m told it will get easier over time. But first we have to get over this first one. I know I certainly must. I can’t be a rock for anybody right now.

 

You were my rock. You were my role model. Because I want to be there for people. I want to be the rock for others. The one that can be talked to, who will listen and understand or try to.

 

There’s so much to tell. I wish I could get a reaction from you.

You’re Not Done Yet

December 18th, 2014

This is a process. Grieving is a process.

 

I want to be done with the process of grieving and move on with my life but it isn’t that simple. “Grieving” is not done with me yet. I’m a week away from my first Christmas without Grandpa. I’m nowhere near close to being done.

 

I want to be done. I want to feel good. But that’s not happening. Right now there are pockets of relief. Listen to Rhapsody In Blue. Watch a funny show on TV. Read a thing. Air pockets on a non-stop flight. Existential turbulence.

 

This is my grandpa’s house. I just live here trying to fill the empty spaces. I don’t go into his room. The door is closed. I am going to clean this place soon, or my half-assed version of cleaning. This is still his house. I’d hate for someone to come over now and see it in disrepair. The bathroom linoleum is cracked. The screen door needs to be replaced because a bolt came off.

 

This is my place now. My shitty place. I should try to pick it up a bit. Run the vacuum a bit.

God Is A Spiteful Cat

December 17th, 2014

I’m not doing well.

 

I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know what to do about the problem that I can’t understand let alone explain. Am I drained? Depressed? Overloaded? Full of blown circuits?

 

There is the idea that one should pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. But what if your bootstraps are old and break when you pull on them too hard. What if you don’t wear boots anyway. What if you wear slip-ons?

 

People forget that “pulling yourself up by the bootstraps” is actually a bullshit statement. Go ahead and put some boots on. Now, pick yourself up off the ground by pulling on the straps. Take your time. If the straps break, try the laces. Impossible, right? Not even David Blaine can do it.

 

You see, the “bootstrap” thing is a metaphor for an impossible thing. And yet people use the metaphor wrong. It’s like saying, “hey you make minimum wage, figure out how to subsist” or “you’re mentally ill? mentally get yourself out of it, crazypants”. Go fuck yourself if you’re that type. You’re the kind of person who would pilot your pontoon over to a drowning man after Hurricane Katrina and tell him “You should save up for a rainy day” before putting off feeling like you helped somehow.

 

There are people out there who believe The Secret is real and that is embarrassing. Even the Bible has a few thousand years behind it. The Secret was published in ’06. It’s frustrating when I try to be in the moment with someone and connect. I look for someone to lean on in times like these and what do I get for my troubles but wish-fulfillment fantasy? Why don’t I put my trust in a book about the ghosts of dead housecats, while I’m at it?

 

Believing in a ghost cat for a God would make sense in my world. I already believe 1. that God exists and 2. He hates me. How hard would it be to imagine that a house-shitting, ass-flashing, curtain-slashing feline would be mean enough to be the Lord Itself? This makes sense although I don’t want any cat lovers feeling good about themselves because cats are right bastards and God is the biggest bastard of them all.

The Hulk Hogan Film Festival

December 16th, 2014

Dear Skypac of Bowling Green, Kentucky

 

This is my proposal for a 2015 event.

 

The Hulk Hogan Film Festival.

 

A three-day event where six (6) movies featuring Hulk Hogan in a starring role are screened.

The six movies are:

  • No Holds Barred
  • Suburban Commando
  • Mr. Nanny
  • Thunder In Paradise
  • 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain
  • Santa With Muscles

 

Budget concerns:

  • Screeners of each film
  • projector and screen
  • booking fee for Mr. Hulk Hogan
  • booking fee for Mr. Christopher Lloyd (Suburban Commando)
  • booking fee for Ms. Joan Severance (No Holds Barred)
  • booking fee for Mr. Jimmy Hart (Thunder In Paradise)
  • booking fee for Ms. Mila Kunis (Santa With Muscles) (no really, she was in that movie)
  • booking fee for Mr. James Paul Roeske II (Tum Tum from 3 Ninjas: High Noon At Mega Mountain)
  • booking fee from Ms. Mother Love (Mr. Nanny)
  • fees for Mr. Hulk Hogan’s lawyers
  • fees for Mr. Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife’s lawyers
  • publicity
  • promotion
  • decoration/staging
  • conceptual overhead

 

Hulk Hogan’s birthday is mid-August. We’ve got over eight months until then. I think we can make this happen. A three-day event featuring screening two movies per day, plus a Q&A and his one-time co-stars. Still looking for a potential host for the live Q&A. Much interest from various parties. Willing to accept partial sponsorship.

No, no. Wrong guy.

No, no. Wrong guy.

Let’s Talk About You

December 15th, 2014

Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about your day. Your problems. Your issues. Let’s talk about what’s got your goat today. What’s got you down?

 

Really?

 

Yeah. I’m serious. Let’s go for it. Let’s talk about you. What’s going on in You-World?

 

I’ve been down lately. Been real–

 

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT. I’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS, OKAY? THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A REALLY LONG TIME.

 

Okay. . .

 

MY WORK IS BEING A REAL PAIN IN THE ASSHOLE. OH, AND MY BOYFRIEND IS BITCHY AND RESTLESS. ALSO, I SAW A THING ON TV AND IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT THIS OTHER GUY WHO’S DOING BETTER THAN I AM. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I WISH I LIVED IN TOWN INSTEAD OF IN THE COUNTRY WHERE THE GRITS BUS DIDN’T HAVE TO COME SO FAR TO GET ME. I GUESS EVERYBODY HAS THEIR PROBLEMS WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. BEEN REALLY NICE TALKING TO YOU. GLAD I GOT THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

 

Oh, okay.

 

WHAT’S WRONG? YOU SOUND DEPRESSED.

 

(unintelligible mumbling)

 

Lennon, Stevie, & Youtube Closed Captioning

December 8th, 2014

 

December 8th, 1980. A visibly shaken Stevie Wonder learns of the death of John Lennon while watching Monday Night Football. The announcement by football announcer Howard Cosell of Lennon’s murder is not shown so we do not get to see the exact moment of realization but we see the immediate before and after.

 

That night, Wonder goes on stage in Oakland and announces Lennon’s death to the crowd. He plays a staggered, disconnected set that night. It is amazing to see him make this announcement. He slows everything down to the point where the audience is hanging on his every word. In any other circumstance, this would be considered “showmanship”. In this case, it was necessary for Wonder to convey the gravity of the situation. One of the most important musical figures of our time, wiped out by an obsessed gunman on the front step of his apartment building. An irreplaceable part of an era now gone forever. You can’t just dash that off. “Hey, John Lennon died tonight. The name of this next song is ‘Isn’t She Lovely'”.

 

Now here’s the part where it gets funny. I ran the video through the closed captioning function at the bottom of the video and this is what closed captioning came up with. This won’t be as funny if you haven’t watched the video first. I transcribed the cc part from where Stevie is onstage struggling to break the bad news to the crowd in Oakland. This is how Youtube closed captioning interpreted that speech. Punctuation is mine.

 

Obama, huh. The. I like you acne ridden. Yeah, work. And would I not eyes who maximum men when I think my him. The you don’t know this because I’m yurman unisom didn’t I’m.

I’m I’ll people like this man. Pokemon my someone in the south. Missile 9 replies. My, I’ll tell you who I know you want you can sing this song. Songs about people like him that some unity home and Tom in harassing.

When I’ll instill my heart beating, I mom. Yes, humans. Yes, Mon. The.

5 Best Songs of 2014

December 3rd, 2014

5. Cage The Elephant, “Cigarette Daydreams”

Near the end of 2013 I wrote on this very website that the next year would be a “personal disaster”. I was right. Some people might call that a self-fulfilling prophecy, but having a keen understanding of my situation at that time I called it like I saw it.

 

4. Sylvan Esso, “Hey Mami”

The bright spot of 2014 was my mom getting married in the spring. It was a beautiful ceremony. I walked my mom down the aisle. I was proud to do so. I handed my mom off to my grandfather who gave her away to her husband-to-be. My mom was very happy that day and the only dry eyes in the room were mine.

 

3. St. Vincent, “Birth In Reverse”

My grandfather passed away in September after a long stay in the hospital. Two weeks after his funeral, I went to a wedding. Matt from Technology Vs. Horse was getting married to his bride Kayla, who was walked down the aisle by her father. When she hugged her father at the end of the walk, I started crying. I couldn’t make the tears stop and I wanted to more than anything. I used to think people cried at weddings strictly out of joy but now I know that’s not true. It’s a bittersweet feeling that makes the crying happen.

 

2. Mac DeMarco, “Passing Out Pieces”

Since then, two friends from my past have passed away young. One was killed by an underage drunk driver. I don’t know how the other one died and I’m afraid to ask. Why peel open a fresh scab? You never think that some chance meeting at a bar or a club will be the last time you see an old pal, but them’s the breaks. My grandparents would tell me about having to go to funerals and all their friends dying. My granny is seventy-six. I’m thirty-six. I know the same shit will happen as I get older but I’m not ready for it now.

 

1. Run The Jewels, “Oh My Darling Don’t Cry”

I can’t help it. Sometimes when I’m alone I start crying. All the loneliness and fear and uncertainty all come crashing in on me. I miss my grandfather. He was my angel 0n Earth. Life isn’t fair. I have a hard time functioning. I stay home most of the time. I don’t want to feel bad but I have nowhere to hide.

 

(Confession: I have only heard the Cage and St. Vincent songs).