Archive for September, 2014

A Story

September 29th, 2014

Sometime around midnight September 27th into the 28th, Alva Farmer, Jr slipped on out of the physical realm. “Junior”, as he was known to all his friends, was perhaps the only eighty-three year old man to voluntarily dub himself “Junior”.

 

I’m typing this before I go to the funeral home. Today a visitation, Tuesday a funeral. My grandfather’s story is over, or at least his active participation in it. He will be survived by two daughters, four grandchildren, four great-grandchildren and Wilda, his companion of nearly thirty years. As well as all the memories and feelings that keep him in alive in our hearts. These are the elements that allow a person’s story to continue long after they have passed on.

 

When I was a little boy, my grandfather worked for the funeral home as a floral delivery man. He would carry the many floral tributes from the funeral home to the church where the service was to be carried out, in advance of the funeral party. I often went with him on those trips. I did a lot of things with him. He was the father I never had and I was a son he never had. When my uncle George passed away, he became the father my cousins lost too young.

 

I am at a loss to write any further, but I will come back to write more about him. Because his story continues even after this. And I’m proud I can share it and be a part of it.

Should You Beat Your Wife Or Girlfriend?

September 14th, 2014

I made this flow chart for all the men who are considering whether they should punch their woman in the face. I admit this is quite dark but it is football season after all. Give it a click to expand.

flowchart

Sum This Up For Me, Will Ya?

September 8th, 2014

Here is a little something I screencapped off my personal Facebook feed. I have scrubbed out the names and faces of these people.

The person with blue ink is male. The person in red ink is female. I think that does it for relevant information. You can click on it to see it larger.

atheistscreencap

All Tomorrow’s Prophet

September 4th, 2014

One of my favorite concert festivals is All Tomorrow’s Parties. I have never been to any of them, but I enjoy the concept of the festival. The idea being that the festival organizers allow an artist of some renown (in past years, the Flaming Lips, Matt Groening, the guy from the Afghan Whigs, the guy from Neutral Milk Hotel, to name a few) decide on who should play the festival. So it becomes their dream festival (or as much of one as can be mustered under financial and logistical concerns). Think of it like getting a look through someone’s record collection come to life, that’s All Tomorrow’s Parties.

 

I have never been to the festival because they usually occur far from me. Sometimes they are in Los Angeles or New York or London or Iceland. And it’s not like I’m spoiled for festivals, what with Forecastle to the north of me and Bonnaroo to the south. But ATP is a unique one because it represents a singular vision as opposed to other festivals which offer a broad variety.

 

I’ve given a little bit of thought to what would happen if ATP just rang me up one day and asked me to curate a festival. A guy can dream, especially knowing that the list of acts I would put together would probably draw a total of 150 paying customers. And that’s over all three days. But I made a list anyway.

 

In no particular order:

Sparks

 

The Tubes

 

Peter Hammill

 

R. Stevie Moore

 

Magma

 

Blue Oyster Cult (probable headliner)

 

Daniel Johnston

 

St. Vincent (this will be my only concession to the Pitchfork/Stereogum crowd)

 

Ultramantis Black

 

Damo Suzuki Network

 

Yellow Magic Orchestra

 

Jandek

 

Sloan (performing the entirety of Between The Bridges, which is probably not their best or most popular album)

 

Unknown Hinson

 

Unknown Mortal Orchestra

 

Lee “Scratch” Perry

 

In addition to music, there will be a wrestling tent. Also we’d have a white-rapper tent but I’ll be damned if I’m going over there. I guess my ultimate goal is to make All Tomorrow’s Juggalo Gathering when you factor that stuff in.

 

PS – The white rappers have to pay to perform. I would have to make money back on the festival somehow. Maybe a few hundred people would come to the festival I put together here. But they would fly in from all over the world. I would make a few hundred music geeks jizz in their pants with this lineup.

 

As a gesture of public service, I’d hire Ceelo Green to sit in a dunk tank and charge people to throw baseballs at him, with all the proceeds going to rape crisis and prevention charities. I should also mention that there won’t be a target switch for people to hit with the baseballs, just Ceelo sitting without a fence in front of him.

Movie Reviews: The Devious Lesbians (SFW)

September 4th, 2014

I’d like to tell you about a movie I while in self-imposed exile: The Devious Lesbians.

 

There is not a lot of plot to this movie. I thought it would be a gangster flick involving a gang of lesbians who committed devious criminal acts. Like maybe they would rob a bank or steal a Russian bomb.

 

What I got were a bunch of scenes of hardcore lesbian sex scenes. The scenes were not connected and there weren’t even any wraparounds in between scenes to tie it all together.

 

Here’s the thing. This is the year 2014. We’ve proved that people will watch shows with gratuitous nudity and sex scenes if you wrap an interesting plot around it. Game Of Thrones, Boardwalk Empire, Masters Of Sex, Top Gear USA, you name it. Why not throw a few scenes of the Devious Lesbians (let’s just assume that’s their gang name) doing actual deviant stuff.

 

And I mean real devious stuff. Like maybe the gang is at the ol’ clubhouse sitting around a giant crate going over plans to bomb a federal building. And then they break for the day and maybe a couple of the lesbians decide “hey, this whole getting-ready-to-bomb-a-federal-building thing is really turning me on, what about you?” AND THEN they have graphic pornographic sex. You see that, writers and directors? That’s called a first-act story arc.

 

Blowing up a federal building, stealing a Russian bomb, robbing a bank, selling celebrity nudes over Bitcoin. These are all devious acts. Hardcore, graphic group lesbian sex is hardly in the ballpark. As presently constituted, viewers will probably turn off The Devious Lesbians within minutes, disgusted with themselves.

Kentucky Sucks Ass: August Edition

September 1st, 2014

Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence did not have a good August 2014. At the last day of the month, the Louisville-born star’s private nudes were released on the Internet along with those of other famous starlets like model Kate Upton, singer Ariana Grande, and soccer player Hope Solo. Within hours of their release, Lawrence’s representatives vowed to prosecute anyone who continues to upload the private photos of the Hunger Games star.

 

As if that weren’t bad enough, earlier in the month Lawrence was romantically linked to that guy from Coldplay.

 

You don’t have to be a famous actress to have a shitty time in Kentucky, as two Campbellsville firefighters found out when they were injured while taking the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. They had just finished dumping ice cold water on the Campbellsville University marching band from high atop a fire truck bucket when the truck got too close to a power line and gave them a jolt. They are currently being treated in a nearby hospital.

 

An Elizabethtown man killed his neighbor’s dog by wrapping a razor blade in bacon and throwing in the yard next door.

 

Kentucky Gentleman bourbon has been suspended from import into Russia by a consumer watchdog in that country, who claims the bourbon contains signs of phthalates when tested. Honestly, for all the tensions between the two countries, Russia probably deserves the benefit of the doubt on that one.

 

Most embarrassing for the state might have been the so-called “Louisville Purge“, which was supposed to take place on August 15th. This Purge would be a rampant six-hour crime wave based on the series of recent Purge movies. This turned out to be a hoax perpetrated by a high schooler. It became a media-perpetrated thing and #louisvillepurge became one of the funnier trending tropics on Twitter.

 

On a lighter note, Kentucky basketball coach and walking recruiting violation John Calipari called into a New York sports radio to defend himself ans his abilities as a coach. Instead of calling as himself, he called as “John from Kentucky”, (which technically he is, I guess).

 

I just wanted to remind you that Kentucky does not kick ass, it sucks ass. I wish I was writing this from an ivory tower.