Archive for July, 2014

Too Much Right Now

July 29th, 2014

I am going through one of the most difficult periods of my life.

 

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I took this picture right after I stopped crying.

 

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want it all to burst out of me. The way I handle these type of things is not healthy, in any sense of the word.

 

I have a lot of thoughts that I can’t deal with. I have a lot of feelings that I can’t express. That’s not why you came here. You came here for words. But right now I have things going on that are too fucked up for me to sum up in one blog or a subtweet.

 

I can’t even vague-blog my way out of it. I either put it all on the table or I keep it offline. But what if I said what I had on my mind? I would cross the line from self-expression to self-immolation. Or self-flagellation. Either way, some type of self-abuse (and not the fun kind you can snapchat to that special someone).

Yet Another G.D. Open Letter To Miley Cyrus

July 25th, 2014

Dear Miley,

 

I know by now you have to be tired of these stupid open letters but this time I’m not going to tell you that you are ruining society with your g-string and lewd dancing. I’m writing to tell you about a fan of yours who is no longer with us. Believe me when I tell you, this guy was your biggest fan.

 

I’m talking of course about the Estonian Thunderfrog, professional wrestler and strongest creature in all the Baltic States.

 

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Miley, I know that you probably don’t watch wrestling. You’re very busy and don’t have to the time to check out wacky independent wrestling in the Philly area, but Thunderfrog was totally your biggest fan. He loved you so much. Thunderfrog loved drinking buttermilk, eating horsemeat and Miley Cyrus. These things gave him strength and made him very successful and popular with the fans.

 

 

 

 

Thunderfrog did not take ill. Rather, he was brought to a premature end by a creature known to some as “Deucalion” at a Chikara wrestling show over the previous weekend. The loss of Thunderfrog has hit his three best friends (the Latvian Proud Oak, the Lithuanian Snowtroll and Jervis Cottonbelly, World’s Sweetest Man) . . . well, like a wrecking ball.

 

Nothing can bring back the Estonian Thunderfrog, but his memory will always remain with those of us who had the pleasure to watch him in action and/or interact with him at shows. Miley, do you remember when the great country singer Ray Price died and you gave him a  “RIP” shoutout on your Instagram? Remember how a bunch of your young, ignorant fans were like “OMG wut who’s he nobody LOL!” The loss of Thunderfrog is a Ray Price moment for me. Not everybody knew who he was but the ones who did knew what would be missed.

 

If you could, Miley, say a prayer for the Estonian Thunderfrog. Perhaps even dedicate a song to him at your next concert. He considered you a princess. He considered every girl a princess. He loved dancing and fun and being happy. Every time I hear one of your songs, I will think of him and be happy.

 

 

 

You know, I don’t even think he got to hear that “Come Get It Bae” thing you did with Pharrell.

 

 

 

Me Without You (A Diary)

July 24th, 2014

My computer’s hard drive failed last week, so I did what I had to do: took it to the Geek Squad and toughed it out for seven days while they replaced it. I do not have a smartphone which allows me to surf the Internet, so I went cold turkey off the Internet for seven days. This is a diary of my journey, my descent into madness.

 

TUESDAY MORNING

I am giving away my baby, my computer, my window to the world. The Geeks are taking it now. They are running a diagnostic. Luckily, I have therapy today. This will be a great opportunity for more venting of impotent rage.
TUESDAY AFTERNOON

The Geeks have called me to tell that indeed my hard drive has failed and they will need to replace it. The other potential problem was a virus, which the computer could have very well had but in the end I will need a new hard drive which will come gratis via my protection plan. Now I wait.

 

WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON

It has occurred to me that I could go to a friend’s house and mooch off their connection or attend a public library for the free Internet access. I’m not going to do that. I used to do that back in the bad old days before 2007 and the librarians would look at me like I was a smelly pervert. Even if I am a pervert, I use to bathe regularly back then and I never used the library internet for anything lewd.

 

WEDNESDAY NIGHT
I might go to the library tomorrow afternoon.

 

THURSDAY NIGHT

Do you have any idea how much it sucks to have nothing to do while sitting up at night tending to an ill grandfather? What am I supposed to do? Write songs? Clean my room? Read books? Not look at pornography? What is this, Siberia?

 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Today I tried to masturbate to my Playstation 2 with a picture of Jessica Alba taped to it.

 

FRIDAY EARLY EVENING

It just occurred to me that no one remembers I was on Beat The Geeks. Thank God. I’d hate to hear some joke about being on that show and then something like “Bet you can’t Beat the Geek Squad, huh?” I might punch someone in the face if they said that to me, without the computer.

 

FRIDAY NIGHT

I have taken a pizza box and drawn on the inside of it to look like a laptop/notebook. The inside top that you lift up is the screen and the bottom part where the pizza sits is where I drew a keyboard with a marker. I even drew a tiny circle at the top for a webcam. I’m talking to someone on Chatroulette. It’s a girl. And she’s real! She doesn’t have a dick.

 

SATURDAY EARLY MORNING

I’m scared.

 

SUNDAY EARLY MORNING

I have mudbutt and I can’t sleep. I don’t know if this has anything to do with the Internet.

 

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

I haven’t been sleeping well. I missed a doctor’s appointment. It was at 9:30 a.m. Wednesday. Oops.

 

SUNDAY NIGHT

I am getting the hang of jerking off to the Playstation 2. I’ve changed the photo from Jessica Alba to Bobby Hull (clothed)

 

MONDAY MORNING

I called the Best Buy to see if they had the damn computer back. They don’t. I have figured it out the Geek Squad thing. They send the computer off via UPS. It takes a few days for them to get it to the place it needs to go. It takes a few minutes for them to replace the hard drive, then they send it back via UPS and it takes a few days because they reroute through a branch in Beirut.

 

MONDAY EVENING

I have nothing. I am nothing. Did you know that playing cards are a real thing and not just a thing on computer Solitaire? Do people play real-life Minesweeper, too?

 

TUESDAY MORNING

They haven’t called me. They don’t have it. Goddamn it. My life. I will have to wait another day, won’t I?

 

TUESDAY AFTERNOON

I call them. They have it. They’ve had it all day. Damn it. I could have gotten this thing hours ago. Time to go get it.

 

TUESDAY EARLY EVENING

On the way home from Best Buy, I get an automated call from the Geek Squad telling me my computer is fixed and ready for pickup. I have the computer. It’s in the car next to me in the passenger lap. Who am I kidding? It’s in my lap. I will never let it go. I will feed it milk and cookies when I get it home.

 

TUESDAY LATE EVENING

Yes, the pornbox works. We’re good.

 

WEDNESDAY MORNING

I forgot to turn on Windows Defender.

Differences Between Me And Anthony

July 6th, 2014

Whenever some celebrity gets into some kind of public flap, we tend to walk it back in our own heads how we would deal with the situation. I’ve given some more thought to the Anthony Cumia situation after he was fired by Sirius XM.

 

Let’s try to summarize what happened.

a. Anthony was attacked by an African-American woman on a NYC street for talking pictures in the early morning.

b. Anthony goes on Twitter and rants about being attacked.

c. Anthony gets incredibly racial/ist about African-American in torrent of angry tweets.

d. Anthony gets fired by his employer for racial/ist tweets.

 

Here is how I actually would have handled it, as opposed to what I would want to do, taking it from after the first step where I was attacked by the angry black woman on the sidewalk while trying to take pictures of construction scaffolding at three in the morning.

b. Mike gets in his car and tries not to cry while driving home.

c. Mike hides at home until his scars and bruises heal up.

d. Mike never tells anyone what happened to him.

e. Mike hopes no one saw him in public getting smacked around.

f. Mike hopes no one uploaded a video of him getting smacked around while other people yell “WORLDSTAR” in the foreground.

g. Mike eats and eats to kill the shame of his pitiful life.

When We Talk About Anthony Cumia

July 5th, 2014

Over July 4th weekend, Sirius XM radio fired radio host Anthony Cumia, he of “Opie And Anthony” fame after a long racial (racist?) Twitter tirade. Cumia had a Twitter meltdown after an incident where he claimed to be attacked by an African-American woman while photographing New York scaffolds in the early morning.

 

Don't worry. He can't hurt you from here.

Don’t worry. He can’t hurt you from here.

In the wake of Cumia’s Twitter rant, there was a backlash. Articles appeared on Gawker Media. Then he was fired by Sirius XM for his Twitter, and thus began a backlash to the backlash. There is currently a Change petition calling for Cumia’s reinstatement, which has over 3,000 signatures as of this post. “Opie And Anthony” fans are cancelling their subscriptions to Sirius XM in protest. This is a story that is only beginning to unravel. The dialogue will get muddier. People will take out their ideological brickbats and hit other people with them in thinkpieces.

 

I want to do everything I can to avoid getting involved in that “dialogue”. It gives me a headache and convinces no one who disagrees. Everybody wants to be Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses to the church wall. I’d rather just speak as a sometimes fan of “Opie And Anthony”.

 

 

(O&A, with Jim Norton making fun of John Travolta and “Grease”, 2012)

Occasionally, when a longtime fan calls to complain about the direction of the show, Opie will say “the show has passed you by”. There are times when the show has passed me by and I don’t listen for weeks at a time. But then there are times when the show is as funny as I could ever hope people could be. There are times when I wish my friends broke balls as well as the people on “Opie And Anthony”, including standup comedian Jim Norton and the many guests they bring in.

 

 

(O&A with Norton talking about bad decision in rock music, 2011. Norton’s stuff about the Big Bopper is hilarious).

 

 

(O&A with Norton and the late Patrice O’Neal talking about Passion Of The Christ, which leads to Anthony’s Popeye impression, 2010)

 

 

(O&A, with Patrice and Joe Derosa talking about Lady Gaga’s Arizona anti-immigration protest, 2010)