Archive for June, 2014

Put Through A Lot

June 28th, 2014

Things aren’t so great for me right now.

 

I’m being vague on purpose but it involves my grandfather’s health and steady decline. I would rather not get into details but he has had a rough month. The whole family has had a rough month. I am filled with a lot of stress and anger and nowhere to take it. I barely give myself time to write anymore. I don’t like my own thoughts about this situation.

 

I don’t want to keep going on like this. I don’t want to have the best seat in the house and watch my grandfather further decline. I don’t want him to be in pain and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable and yet I cannot prevent it. My frustration is visible to him, and he apologizes to me. He says, “I know I put you through a lot”. He doesn’t have to apologize to me because I know what he is going through is way worse than me having to watch it. Yet he does, every day.

 

I have never been good at hiding my frustration. I’m not frustrated with him. I used to be, back when I thought he could control it. Now I’m frustrated at other things. He deserves better care than what I can give him. I want my life back. We’re stuck together.

 

But I know he appreciates me. He tells me so every day. It’s rough for him. And I tried to communicate it to him that I appreciate him, too. I don’t know what he knows or thinks. I want to stop writing now.

Where Would You Be?

June 23rd, 2014

I hope I end up in the hospital for a prolonged stay. I hope I get sick and need to stay in the hospital for a long time. At least a few weeks.

 

I don’t want to be sick. I just want the people who are letting me down to see what would happen if I wasn’t there to look after things. Who would look after my grandfather if I were in the hospital? “I dunno.” Exactly. I want people to understand how much I’m holding things together even as it hurts to do so. My grandfather takes a sleeping pill and can’t sleep. The pill makes him loopy and druggy and he can’t distinguish between dreamstate and being awake. I have to stay up with him all night to make sure he doesn’t do anything crazy.

 

Who would do that if I were in the hospital? Not me, I’d be in the hospital. Being taken care of. Being tended to. Pissing into a bottle or a catheter or whatever. I want to take poison and see if the world dies first.

Every Band Has These Problems

June 20th, 2014

 

Every band has the same problems. Sometimes you get deep into a thing and in the end only one guy is really into it and the rest are just half-heartedly pushing along because it is something to do. For example, take the case of Gary Mullen & The Works, an unofficial Queen tribute band.

 

Obviously Gary (the Freddie impersonator) is totally into it. He’s nailed the Freddie early 1980s look, got the mannerisms down and even sings near Freddie’s infamous range (which was wider in the 70s than in the 80s due to the accumulation of heavy wear from touring and smoking but let’s not blame Gary for that). Gary is the show obviously. He makes it a great experience for all the fans who want to hear their favorite Queen songs.

 

But the other guys? They’re just kinda half-hearted. I mean the guitar player at least has long curly hair and a Brian May Guild replica guitar.  But is he plugged into Vox amplifiers? And does he put his hair up? No and no, that’s your answer. Marshall amps are great for your common guitar schlep but for Brian May guitar parts? That’s like sending precious cargo via Greyhound bus. It’s either Vox amps or fuck your mother. And put your hair up! You’re in a Queen tribute band, not Screaming Trees. You look Brian May just after he got out of the shower.

 

As for the drummer? Don’t get me started. He doesn’t attempt to grow blonde hair like Roger Taylor but what’s even more egregious nay offensive is his use of Tama drums. Tama drums? What is this, a fucking hobby to you? If you’re not playing Ludwig drums, you’re just jacking off. Also, the front kick head doesn’t have a picture of Roger Taylor’s face on it. Just the shitty Tama logo on white. You’ve got to be kidding me. What are you, in another band or something? Are you too good for Gary Mullen & The Works? Who do you think you are anyway?

 

Anyway, this is usually what happens with bands after a while. One guy is super into it and everybody else just ends up along for the ride.

Some Band Names I’ve Considered

June 19th, 2014

Mike Farmer & The Michael Farmer Dancers

Mike Farmer & School Shootingz

Mike Farmer & Coffee, Tea or Me!

Mike Farmer & Diabetic Nerve Pain

Mike Farmer & John Cale

Mike Farmer & His Fart-Filled Pajamas

Glen

Dear Phil Collins,

June 18th, 2014

Dear Mr. Collins,

 

Genesis Announces The "Turn It On Again Tour"

 

I want to apologize for some of the comments I made on this blog and in public. When I said that your debut album Face Value “was the same length as the average suicide by exsanguination,” I was merely commenting on the coincidental running time of that particular album (a little over 45 minutes) to the bleed-out time for someone who slices their own wrists. I didn’t mean for that to have a connotation, per se.

 

Likewise, when I said that your lead vocals on the Genesis albums (beginning with the 1976 album A Trick Of The Tail) “made one wish for the sweet release of death”, I certainly didn’t mean to imply that your singing “caused such suffering that one would want to abandon life lest accidentally hear a Phil Collins or Genesis song at a Walgreens or some such.” Which I did say to at least a few city councils in the South Central Kentucky area.

 

Furthermore, I want to apologize for talking about “plugging in a toaster and taking it in the shower while listening to ‘Sussudio'”. I’m sorry if you were offended by my comments but what I wanted to come across when I said that was the feeling of electricity and excitement one can have dancing in a hot club on a summer night while listening to a great tune.

 

I could continue but as you know, comedy has a rule of threes. Please accept my humble apology, Mr. Collins.

Your Favorite Sport Sucks

June 18th, 2014

MLB: Not enough parity. Show me a year when the Yankees, the Red Sox and the Cardinals weren’t in the playoffs at all. Every year at least one of those teams is there to ruin everything. No salary cap, so teams will spend $175 million on a roster of guys who end up going 72-90 (hello, Cubs).

 

MMA: All the fighters in UFC could be nicknamed “Triple HGH”. Even the small fighters and the women.

 

NFL: Same HGH problem as MMA but they hide it better. Also the concussions. “Why, we didn’t know multiple concussions would have an effect on the brain way back in the mid-90s.” Yeah, sure.

 

Soccer: The only sport where openly bribing the referee on the pitch is encouraged.

 

NBA: When these jerks do Latino Heritage Month, they wear Spanish-tinged uniforms. “SPURS” becomes “LOS SPURS”. That’s grammatically incorrect. It should be “ESPUELAS”. Unless the team name doesn’t have a Spanish equivalent like “LAKERS” or “JAZZ”, I think they should go with the proper translation. None of this “LOS KINGS” shit. Also, nothing matters until the playoffs.

 

NHL: The dumbest of all sports. The worst haircuts. Too white.

 

WWE: The people who write for WWE are people who are too stupid to write for comic books.

 

Auto racing: A total waste of fuel.

 

Golf: I don’t need to explain why golf sucks.

 

Another Good Way To Die

June 12th, 2014

I have come up with a new awesome way to die. I want to die while stopping a rape.

 

But here’s the rub: I want to stop a rape involving a dragon. But wait, there’s more: I want to stop a rape where the dragon is being raped.

 

Let me paint a picture. Imagine you are at a party. You go down into the basement to take a break from all the great fun. What do you encounter when you get to the bottom? SOME WOMAN HOLDING A KNIFE TO A DRAGON’S THROAT! “Take those pants down, dragon. I wanna see that dick.” And she says “dick” with that dip in the “i”. Like “d-yick”, you know what I mean?

 

Look, originally I was going to rescue a woman from a dragon but now I think the reverse is funnier. And if you don’t think that a scared, powerless dragon having its’ pants yanked down by a woman who wants to fuck it against its’ will. . . then I don’t know what to tell you. You’re right? Humor is relative? Fair enough?

 

I know this much. As I laid there with a fatal wound bleeding out, I know it would be so cool to have saved a dragon and have that dragon sitting over me thanking me while I gasp for breath, trying in vain to say “please call an. . . ambulance. . . you fuckin’ asshole.”

What Is Your Spirit Animal?

June 9th, 2014

What’s your spirit animal?

 

a.) an abused dog

b.) a wet chicken

c.) a rhino with gout

d.) a skylark with a rotator cuff injury

e.) a porn star with hemorrhoids

f.) black guy with a small dick

g.) Black guys aren’t animals, that’s racist.

h.) this is a list of unfortunate things, don’t sweat it

i.) Gene Hackman in drag

j.) Frothy eroticism

k.) Wombat with gonorrhea

l.) Honky cat

m.) Swan (self-hating, pre-duckling epiphany)

n.) Wolf with gender dysmorphia.

o.) Bat with bleeding nipples.

p.) Japanese watercolorist

q.) Dead Beastie Boy

r.) Warthog with ADD

s.) Buzzfeed quizmaker

t.) Fisherman who uses Nutella as bait

u.) Bear with mange patch that resembles Cat Stevens

v.) Message board admin

w.) Swedish fish

x.) Fat girl who is proud of her tits

y.) Yah Mo B There (feat. James Ingram)

z.) Man of La Mancha