Archive for January, 2014

BOOM! Just Like That?

January 24th, 2014

In a twenty-four hour period, three annoying fucks were arrested. Perhaps this is the kickstart out of the winter blues that I needed, the reminder that sometimes pricks get what’s coming to them.


Justin Bieber, pop singer and cult figure to millions of “Beliebers”, arrested in Florida for drunken driving and resisting arrest.


Hunter Moore, “revenge porn” and would-be party guest, indicted on federal charges for hacking related to his former website, Is Anyone Up. A website that specialized in posting leaked pics and videos of men and (mostly) women without their consent, Is Anyone Up would post the pictures of people and link them to the person’s online media accounts.


Dinesh D’Souza, conservative commentator and author, indicted on charges of illegal campaign contributions. He is accused of using friends to donate up to $20,000 to a friend’s political campaign then repaying them personally. D’Souza’s claim to fame is the $33 million hit 2016: Obama’s America, which combined conservative paranoia with a hint of half-ass research to push the theory that the President was a “Kenyan anti-colonialist”.


Obviously, the one that the media will spend the most time talking about is the one that I wrote the least about. Justin Bieber is a celebrity and they are known for getting in trouble at times. It’s hard to have sympathy for anyone driving a fast car over the speed limit while under the influence. As much as I enjoyed reading the news of his arrest, there were other fish that deserved to be fried with equal gusto.


What a great day it was yesterday. I didn’t even have to use my AK.


That reminds me: get an AK.

The Winter Blues

January 23rd, 2014

I might as well face it. I’m suffering from the winter blues.


I’ve tried to deny it but there is no way around it. These low temperatures have forced me to spend more time inside, bundled up, hating the world and myself. My isolation is what one might call “the drizzling shits”. Now that I realize it, what do I do about it? How do I get out of the winter blues?


Sometimes it just happens for me. One year, my winter blues were cured when the Giants beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl. That was the year that the Pats were undefeated going into the game and everyone thought they would win. So when Eli Manning was awarded MVP and confetti rained over the New York football team, I thought “everything is gonna be alright”.


This year, my hatred for the Patriots has been replaced by my disinterest in life. I don’t care about sports right now. I have my death pool, and I’m reading some books. I’m too sad to write songs at the moment. I have song ideas in my head, but I can’t put them down and I can’t sit at the piano to pound them out.


Something has to happen. Maybe I’ll get my ass tongued by a midget stripper. Maybe I’ll pet a dog. Either way, I’ll take the small joys in life where I can get them.

Lip-Syncing On TV (Van Halen Style)

January 19th, 2014

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my favorite music video genre: the awkward TV studio lip-sync in front of a bored and tentative audience. Some are very amusing, some are just weird, some are boring. What I never expected to find was Van Halen doing the same thing.


These two videos come from German television in 1980 around the time VH were promoting Women And Children First. They “performed” for a seated group of teenagers two songs: “You Really Got Me” and “And The Cradle Will Rock”. I’m cracking up at how much David Lee Roth fails to lip-sync and turns his back from the camera, possibly to avoid breaking into obvious laughter. You can tell looking at Dave and Eddie that it’s a big joke to them. During one song, David walks over to the crowd and tried to cuddle with a frightened girl. He’s also wearing the most ludicrous white boots and some kind of jumpsuit that showcases the cucumber he snuck down the front of his trousers. Oh, and he does all his awesome karate stuff.


David Lee Roth is awesome.




I now have to post as many of these as I can find. Here’s one that the band appears to have enjoyed doing from 1978 in Japan, miming to “You Really Got Me” then being interviewed onstage in front of a bunch of adoring fans.



And to show you what three years of fame, drugs and pussy will do you, here that same band miming to “Mean Street” on Italian television in 1981.



You have to think that long before the Internet, the band hoped no one in America would see this dumb shit and laugh at how corny they were. But then again, one of the best songs they ever wrote has a breakdown where the producer says “c’mon Dave, gimme a break” and Dave says “one break, comin’ up!” so what do I know about corny?

Cinnamon Girl (First Draft)

January 17th, 2014

An original draft of lyrics to the classic track by Neil Young & Crazy Horse, “Cinnamon Girl”. This song is well known and can be heard in its’ finished version below.



Original (unused) lyrics:


I wanna live with a cinnamon girl

So I can be happy the rest of my life with a cinnamon girl


A dreamer of pitchers to wash it all down.

See us together, chasing the moonlight

With cinnamon rolls.

If she was made of cinnamon sticks

I’d laugh for a minute then chew on her face

My cinnamon girl

Is that illegal, I really don’t know

Chewing on faces of cinnamon people

My cinnamon girl


My doctor tells me I’ve got kidney damage

From eating too much cinnamon

He says I need to curb my cinnamon intake

No, no, no.


I went to the market, and what I did hear

People said “here comes that weird guy again

from Buffalo Springfield”.

Anglo-Saxons are running the night

“Hey man tell us what was Woodstock was like”
No cinnamon there


Rebuilding Year

January 17th, 2014

In 2013, I started down a dark path and entered a celebrity death pool. Combining the thrill of cheering for famous people to die with the sheer waste of gambling while dividing the rote mechanics of computerized fantasy football leagues, death pools became the most entertaining long con.


The “game” begins each January 15th and continues to midnight on New Year’s Eve. You get points by choosing famous people to croak. When they croak, you subtract the number of years they were alive from 100. These are the points you accrue per death. In 2013, I placed 13th out of 47 people. A promising start for ol’ KP but none of my picks croaked after April.


Hugo Chavez, Annette Funicello, and Jack Pardee were responsible for my entry onto the leader board but after that no one came close in ’13. Sports columnist Bill Conlin was one of my picks but died nine days after the game ended. Conlin was a disgraced Hall of Fame baseball writer who was accused of multiple counts of child molestation. He died of shame, or kidney failure which is practically the same thing.


I was ready to rock in 2014. I had done a lot of research and cleared out all my bad 2014 picks. Bob Dole and George H.W. Bush and Walter Mondale will stay alive because they are old politicians and old politicians don’t die when you have money on it. Convicted murderer Whitey Bulger didn’t get sentenced to execution and will cling to the rest of his life in a cell because he’s too shitty to kill himself like a decent individual would if they had been responsible for that many deaths. And Fidel Castro? Don’t even get me started on that son of a bitch. He actually left the house last year.


Without giving out all my picks for 2014, I will say that you have not heard of many of them. That’s how serious I am about winning. I researched famous people who simply famous in other countries. A British soap opera star with cancer. A Dutch astronaut with cancer. An Australian guitarist with cancer. You see what I mean.


This might make you sad.


Don't pick me, humanoid.

Don’t pick me, humanoid.


Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. The man doesn’t have a jaw anymore. Same thing Roger Ebert had. This never happens to people you hate.



Knight Rider sucked.



William Daniels. Awww, not Mr. Feeny! Yeah, actually. Die Mr. Feeny. Fuck Boy Meets World and fuck everyone who liked that dumb shit show. Mr. Feeny can kiss my shit in hell. I don’t think the guy is sick, this is just out of spite. “I was a kid, I loved that show.” Kids are wrong a lot of the time.



Randy Travis. This guy had as bad a 2013 as one can have without dying outright. Some people are rooting for him to pull it together. Not me. I have money on this.


Oh, and I want to give a shout out to Ariel Sharon and Mae Young. Two picks I had for 2014 who were so good they died before the game started. Mae Young’s death was announced literally three hours before the deadline so the commissioner slotted in my alternate. . . Fidel Castro. Oh, goddammit.

Poetic Coincidence (Not Irony)

January 15th, 2014

Several weeks ago, I recorded a series of solo tracks at an undisclosed location in south central Kentucky. The goal was to record ten songs of me playing piano and singing original songs. A good piano sound in a good room was what I aimed for.


Me and my trusted team of engineers got as far as track eight over the course of a weekend before the computer that we were recording to locked up, leaving two songs unfinished.


The name of the song we recorded shortly before the computer decided to stop working was called “Windows Not Responding”. It is an overly dramatic piece about someone driven mad by their computer obsession and frustrated by the fallibility of said computer. The relationship between the computer and operator in this song is comparable to an operatic love aria. This song may or may not be based on real life events.


If you think I had a good laugh about all of this, rest assured I did not.

Extra State Of Play

January 14th, 2014

I would say I am often unapproachable and am in my own world. I wait for people to come talk to me, usually. I am bitter and frustrated. I am sad quite a bit.


I may be locking up. Shutting down. It’s hard to tell.
Sometimes the clouds break and I’m clear as a bell. Sometimes I’m in the fog. I can feel the fog around my brain. I can feel the light mist of sadness in my cranium, on my windows.


What happens to apes in captivity when they get locked up and stop interacting? They stop fighting, stop raging. Become placid and dead-eyed. They lose the beast within themselves. Is this what is happening to me? How slowly is the page turning?


How do I get busy living again?

State Of Play

January 10th, 2014

It’s not good.


It’s time to evaluate the state of things as they pertain to me. State of KP. Not good, kids.


I am alive. So there’s that. I am not living like a normal, healthy human being. Occasionally I am capable of going out and doing some thing that requires me to be responsible. I am disabled. Grown up in the darkness like an emaciated flower.


I don’t believe you. I don’t trust you. I walk alone. I ride alone and I hide alone. I am out of sync with the sun and I have wasted all my emotional energy.


I sit in my favorite chair and listen to music a lot. Sometimes I play solitaire on the laptop. I write sometimes. Have you ever seen such darkness, Mike?

The Dumbest Story Of 2014

January 9th, 2014

It didn’t take very long but here it is.


Close the books, folks. 2014 already has its dumbest story. There will be plenty of contenders but we already have the winner and it took less than a week.


Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston responded Tuesday to criticism he received for the way he spoke during his postgame interview with ESPN after his Seminoles defeated Auburn 34-31.

The interview became a topic on Twitter after Dee Dee McCarron, the mother of Alabama quarterback AJ McCarron, posted a tweet in which she asked, “Am I listening to English?”

She deleted the tweet, then later tweeted an apology.


Add another layer to the stupid about this, and go straight to Wikipedia.


On November 14, 2013, the Florida State Attorney’s Office announced they were opening an investigation into a sexual assault complaint involving Winston that was originally filed on December 7, 2012. The complaint was originally investigated by the police and classified as open/inactive in February 2013 with no charges being filed. Tallahassee police stated that the complaint was made inactive “when the victim in the case broke off contact. . ., and her attorney indicated she did not want to move forward at that time”.

On December 5, 2013, state attorney Willie Meggs announced the completion of the investigation and that no charges would be filed against anyone in this case. Allegations of improper police conduct have been made by both parties, with the victim claiming to have been pressured into dropping her claim and Winston’s attorney alleging inappropriate leaks to the media.


I’m sure you will not find a dumber story this year than “mother of losing QB apologizes to probable-rapist winning QB for making fun of his mushmouthed country talk”. Although, there is still the Chris Christie deal in New Jersey with the bridges. So maybe I’m wrong.


This is going to be a dumb year, kids. Hold on tight.

2014: Resolve To Give Up

January 6th, 2014

It’s a new year. New resolutions. New slate for inner peace.


Take yourself to a world of dreams. Live in dreams. Live outside now.


Ride the empire builder. Board a train to the Pacific Northwest and watch as you pass the country by. Sleep peacefully for long stretches.


Don’t be mad anymore. Don’t even be surprised. So many dumb things are gonna happen for no reason. Tune it all out. Shut down for a while if you have to. Go to the world of dreams.


If you keep an open heart, you can catch a lot of debris. You need to sweep up and clean the debris off. Keep an open heart. Forgive as much as you can.


Find the good memories. Go to that place. Give up the fighting. Step out of boxing crouch and be free.