That Would Have Been A Fight

June 12th, 2013

Just now I was standing at my kitchen sink when my grandpa walked behind me to fetch a cup of coffee. I bumped into him and nearly knocked him over. Thankfully, I turned around quickly and steadied him. I apologized and he excused me, because it was an obvious accident.

 

If my mom had been living with us and seen me do that, that would have started a horrible fight. I just have the feeling about it. Sometimes we get triggered by the strangest things. She’d yell at me to watch what I was doing. I would probably yell back because I don’t like being yelled at. Honestly, who does? And then it would escalate until we were no longer arguing about me bumping into my frail grandfather. Sadly, it wouldn’t take long to escalate.

 

I don’t miss the past. I don’t miss a lot of the circumstances of the past. Hair-trigger arguments in a tense atmosphere with a family member I “loved”? Who “loved” me? And yell at each other like we were strangers in traffic until one or both of us were in tears?

 

I was raised like an idiot. I learned how to live like a feral animal. An unloving, feral animal. I hated my mom for many years and I blamed her for so many things beyond her control. Would we be like that now? Who can tell? I’d be afraid to find out.

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