Archive for May, 2013

Bring Your Butts And Tits To Me

May 30th, 2013

I have two shows over the next two weekends. One this Friday and one the next Saturday. I expect to fondle some tits and butts at those shows.

 

I want to make something clear: I’m not going to start fondling tits and butts haphazardly. I’m not a creep or sex offender. What I expect from you is that you present your butts and tits to me. Present them to me, like I am a head of state.

 

Right now, you’re probably asking me how long I expect to fondle your bits. The truth is, I don’t know. It’s up to you, honestly. If you want, I could feel you up for no more than a few seconds or no less than forever. It’s not so much about me feeling you up as it is about you paying tribute to a performer of great talent and stature.

 

Are you willing to pay tribute, people? Yes, the men are included. You can pay tribute, as well. You are not immune, especially you chubby men with your hairy tits.

 

Perhaps you want to know if I’m willing to allow you to reciprocate.  The answer is yes. I will allow, nay expect a buttocks massage.

Nothing Is Funny To Me

May 28th, 2013

Anger, frustration, depression. These are the constants in my life. These feelings are my family.

 

How many things in your life are fucked? Little things and big. Most things? I hear ya. I know all too well. Sometimes I think I live like a crackhead, but the only differences between me and a crackhead are that I don’t do street drugs or have a great physique.

 

How do you turn the sadness in your life into laughter when you don’t find it funny at all? What do you when nothing is funny anymore? Especially when nothing is funny about the situation in your life? How often do you have to be the underdog before the bit gets old? By my personal experience, I’d say about thirty-five years.

 

 

 

Five Reasons To Like Chikara

May 26th, 2013

There are many reasons why I like the wrestling company Chikara. I will list four of them below, in preparation of their June 2nd Internet Pay-Per-View Aniversario: Never Compromise. As you may know, I’m a big fan of the pro wrestling. I’m smart enough to understand the scripted nature of the performance, yet I yearn to be drawn into their reality. I never have to explain this when I talk about a TV show or a movie. Why is that?

 

Here is my list, kids? Top five reasons to like Chikara, with corresponding video.

  • Dasher Hatfield

(video is 1 1/2 min.) Dasher Hatfield is the “old-timey king of swing”, a Throwback to a manlier era of baseball when Red Sox were Red Stockings and relief pitching was nowhere to be found. I bought his mask at a show in Indianapolis. He is a tecnico (or good guy).

 

  • Archibald Peck

(video is 39 sec.) Archibald Peck, seen here being outsmarted by the aforementioned Hatfield, is the most complicated character in recent history. A marching band major who lost his best girl to the nerd-hating Mr. Touchdown, “Marchie Archie” attempted to find his inner jock by becoming Mixed Martial Archie. But when he lost a loser-leaves-Chikara match, Peck moonlighted under a mask as The Mysterious And Handsome Stranger (complete with best friend Sapphire, a bird). Oh, and apparently Archie has ripped through the space-time continuum. I still haven’t figured the whole thing out.

 

  • Los Ice Creams

(video is 33 sec.) Ice Cream, Jr. and El Hijo del Ice Cream are two of the most devious, cunning, vicious wrestlers to ever come out of Mexico. To call them “rudo” (or bad guy) is to do an injustice to the term. They have run roughshod over Chikara for nearly six years and their path of destruction may never end.

Also, they are delicious ice creams.

 

  • Chuck Taylor’s grenade

(video is 1 1/2 min.) Chuck Taylor, the “Kentucky Gentleman”, carries a freaking grenade with him which he can use to dispatch most any enemy. Taylor uses it here in a six-man tag against the Colony, and the fans cheer for it even though Taylor is clearly a rudo. Honestly, would any decent human being use a grenade in wrestling?

 

  • The Colony (or So Many Ants)

(video is 44 sec.) Watch this for the hilarious use of a relevant Dave Matthews Band song. The history of the Colony is too complicated to sum up here. As of right now, there are currently eight ants in Chikara. At one point there were Green Ant, Fire Ant and Soldier Ant who made up the tecnico team of the Colony. Then they feuded with a rudo team of ants called the Swarm, of which deviANT and assailANT remain. Then the head muckety-muck at Chikara decided to cynically cash in on the Colony’s good name by creating The Colony: Xtreme Force, which features Missile Assault Ant, Arctic Rescue Ant, and Orbit Adventure Ant. Instead of being tecnico or rudo, the Xtreme Force are self-styled as “TOTALLY RADICAL”.

I swear I’m not making any of that up. It’s even more complicated in person.

 

These are five reasons why Chikara is my go-to for wrestling and entertainment. I haven’t even gotten into some of the other great characters or the in-ring action or the depth of the storytelling (well, I kinda did with the ants and the time-rift). You will fall in love like I did if you just give in. Chikara is calling you. Aniversario: Never Compromise.* June 2nd, on Internet Pay-Per-View.

 

 

 

*(spanish for Anniversary: Never Compromise)

Country Music Where It Doesn’t Belong

May 25th, 2013

On several occasions this spring, I’ve taken in a sporting event. You may not care for hockey or baseball or pro wrestling but these are my ideas of a good time and I like to check them out when they are in my radius. And yet I’m as likely as not to be at an event that has some bonus entertainment preceding the game, in the form of some up-and-coming country singer performing a short set.

 

I went to a hockey game. Before the game, some country singer went on the ice and played a song about children fighting cancer. He yelled for everyone to stand up from their seats in support of the fight against cancer while he played the song.

 

I stayed in my chair.

 

Fuck him and his pandering, shitty song. I sat in the FRONT ROW not standing up against cancer. The Tim Ash Band. That’s who it was and they were hawking CDs and going on tour promoting their CD. Using a cause to promote your band? How disgusting.

 

I went to a pro wrestling show last night and (wonder of wonders) there was another country singer stinking up the joint. I won’t trash this guy because he was merely peddling his music on its’ own merits and not propping himself up on a charity like children with cancer, or the troops with cancer, or snails with spina bifida.

 

Country music tries to sneak in where it isn’t needed or really wanted. A guy with his guitar and that old redneck pop chord progression and overdone twang is just cockblocking the audience from the entertainment they spent their hard-earned money for. “Hey, do you like country music? Wanna hear it done poorly by a complete stranger?”

 

How would you feel if you went to a Brad Paisley concert and they opened the show with ten minutes of five-on-five full court basketball between two A.A.U. teams? I went to see Dierks Bentley at the Coliseum and before the opener came out two teenage ping-pong prodigies who are trying to raise money to go to South Korea for a big tournament played a friendly game to eleven. YES, IT WAS TOTALLY DISTRACTING.

 

Country music, fuck you. Go where you’re supposed to be. How you feel about gay marriage is how I feel about you.

Wrestling Is Heart: “Pulse” (Review)

May 21st, 2013

Wrestling Is Heart – “Pulse”, April 20, 2013. (download available from Smart Mark Video for $4.99)

some chilly 4-H barn in Lafayette, Indiana with mulch on the floor

Commentary by Mike Quackenbush (all matches), Gavin Loudspeaker, Christian Rose and Matt Cage.

 

From a presentation standpoint, this had to be an irritating gig for the good people at Wrestling Is Heart. Besides being in the aforementioned chilly 4-H barn with mulch instead of carpet, their PA cut out and went to static. The house mic cuts out during Gavin Loudspeaker’s announcement and during a Reed Bentley promo.

 

First match is a fun trios match with Heidi Lovelace from OVW teaming with Saturyne and the Estonian Thunderfrog against Juan Francisco de Coronado and Los Ice Creams. Saturyne gets worked over for most of the match before Lovelace gets the hot tag. Lovelace gets the pin on El Hijo del Ice Cream after a Hurricanrana driver.

 

Darin Corbin comes out to do some heel mic work before his match with 6’5″ local rookie Buck Boulder. Corbin uses his veteran experience to pin Boulder with a backslide.

 

Christian Rose and Sea Man have a short match. Rose comes out banging stuff together in lieu of a crapped-out PA system. Sea Man had the crowd to the “wave” before hitting a running dropkick into the turnbuckle. Rose still picks up the win after two head kicks and a Go To Sleep.

 

A couple of tecnico squads mix it up as Alex Castle and Matt Cage (the Kentucky Buffet) have a great tag match against “The Pride Of Indiana” (Devin Bliss and Chris Castle). Some really great sequences in here. Cage pins Chris Castle after a knee to the face.

 

Next match pits another veteran, Arik Cannon, against rookie Dale Patricks. Cannon works the crowd while keeping Patricks in a headlock before going to work on the leg, which Patricks sold well. A good comeback, cut off by Cannon, before Patricks got the upset pin with an Oklahoma roll.

 

Wrestler/trainer Billy Roc took on one of his graduates, Reed Bentley. The match started with a sportsmanlike handshake but degenerated after Bentley peppered Roc with head shots. Bentley got the pin after what looked like a spinebuster.

 

Sue Jackson is an evil man with a dastardly mustache who looks like an extra from Gangs of New York. Jervis Cottonbelly is the sweetest man alive and enters the ring to the Mr. Belvedere theme. This was a mismatch from the start for Cottonbelly, as Jackson took advantage of his kind, trusting nature and put him away with a Close Shave.

 

Tripp Cassidy upset Hallowicked after a closed fist and a kick to the face. Cassidy worked to remove Wicked’s mask for most of the match and that strategy served him well as it distracted the former King of Trios winner.

 

Main event was a tag team encounter between Green Ant and Mat Russo against Mr. Touchdown and Joe Pittman, who preceded the match with a nice heel promo. Green Ant and Mr. TD did most of the work in this one, but Russo and Pittman had some good moments and Russo made Pittman submit with a calf-slicer.

 

VERDICT: The low price, three tag-team matches, and Quack’s commentary make this download purchase recommended.

 

 

Being In A Band Sucks

May 19th, 2013

“Being in a band sucks.”

 

That is the concept behind a coffee-table book I’m writing. It will be the least readable and least bought book of all time. Even less readable than BITCH ARE YOU RETARDED, which is a real advice book for women written by a man who did not exactly have the gift of gab. . . or any professional qualifications to give anyone advice about anything.

 

This weekend was not great for me, as a guy in a band. I don’t want to get into the details of it. Some people say that the bad shows will make for good stories later. Some people can laugh about the downsides of being in a band, but I can’t anymore. Because being in a band sucks.

 

This has nothing to do with the people in my band. It’s not them that’s the problem. It’s the outside world that makes everything so difficult. It is so difficult to deal with promoters who tell you you’ll make $100 and then hand you $10 at the end of the night. I don’t want to deal with “festival organizers” who slap together some shitshow in a grassy area and have no plan for when it rains and bands get shafted out of a timeslot they’ve practiced hard for weeks. I have no time for people who have no plans for paying bands other than hoping that enough people show up at the gates.

 

I maintain that local bands that perform original music are at odds with the world around them. Not that there aren’t fans of original local music but they are in essence constantly trying to promote their very existence. In bars, coffeehouses, on social media, they are trying to say “I exist”. They are supposed to be not only musicians and songwriters but also booking agents, PR guys, and wear a dozen other hats. If you’re in a band and you feel like it’s you and your bandmates against the world, probably you are. And their biggest weapon is their yawning indifference.

Some Daft Punk Thoughts

May 15th, 2013

I don’t know if I can call this a proper review. Just some scattered thoughts.

  • Some context: I found out about Daft Punk through the video to “Around The World” whereupon I went to a music store and bought the Homework album in 1997. I had no idea what the rest of the album would sound like. I had no guarantee that I would like it. I liked a lot of Homework but at times I found it to be too much. I would go on to feel this way about their next two albums.
  • I am not considering Daft Punk’s score for the Tron: Legacy movie when putting these thoughts, nor do I think of it in the context of Daft Punk’s greater output. I consider it a one-off like Queen had with Flash Gordon, even if Daft Punk and/or their fans don’t.
  • So far I’ve gone three bullet points without talking about what their new album Random Access Memories sounds like. I should really be writing for Pitchfork at this pace.
  • “Touch” is by far the best track on the new album. Consider that the best track on the album was co-written and sung by a 71-year-old man who co-wrote the theme to The Love Boat.
  • Since Paul Williams is seventy-one, we should take some time to tell him how much we appreciate him while he’s still around.
  • I love how “Touch” is sequenced in between two songs sung by Pharrell Williams (no relation to Paul), a man who should not be allowed near a microphone for the purposes of singing. I also love how Pharrell’s vocals are the least electronically-treated vocals on the entire album. The worst singer on the album (including Daft Punk) is barely vocoded or whatever it is they do. I also love how the songs that Pharrell sings (“Get Lucky” and “Lose Yourself To Dance”) are nowhere near the worst thing on the album.
  • Speaking of “worst thing on the album,” Julian Casablancas of the Strokes should be fed to a woodchipper.
  • I can’t scientifically prove it but I’m certain there are more lyrics on this Daft Punk album then there were on the previous three combined.
  • There are three great songs on this album: “Touch”, “Giorgio By Moroder” and “Contact”. There might be a few good ones, depending on your individual tastes. If you like “Get Lucky”, you’ll probably like “Lose Yourself To Dance” as well. You might like the opening track “Give Life Back To Music”. Do you like Panda Bear? You might think “Doin’ It Right” is good because he sings on it. Same goes with “Instant Crush” and Julian Casablancas in which case YOU ARE WRONG GIVE UP.
  • Daft Punk modeled their new album after classic rock like Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours, Pink Floyd’s Dark Side Of The Moon and Hotel California by The Eagles. Why? I’m being serious. Go to the Wikipedia for Random Access Memories (which has almost as many references as the OJ Simpson trial, another shitty thing that happened in California) and read for yourself. They really wanted to make an album like Fleetwood Mac and the Eagles. I don’t know why they threw Pink Floyd in there unless their goal is to make one of the best-selling albums of all time, which those three are certainly on the list.
  • Prediction: Random Access Memories will probably not become one of the best-selling records of all time. Or the decade. This year, maybe.
  • ATTENTION DAFT PUNK AND EVERYONE ELSE: NOBODY NEEDS MORE NEW MUSIC INSPIRED BY THE EAGLES AND FLEETWOOD MAC!
  • Fuck it. I’ve decided to sing on a dubstep remake of “Go Your Own Way”. Maybe I’ll do a chillwave version of “Tequila Sunrise”. What’s to stop me anymore? Has the whole world gone crazy?
  • I admit I’m being harsh on Julian but egad that song is terrible.

 

daftpunkwtf

All The Agents And Superhuman Crew (Review)

May 13th, 2013

Some thoughts on the Chikara download I just purchased from Smart Mark Video and watched.

 

Nine matches took place at “Agents And Superhuman”, the first of which is a tag match features Fire Ant and AssailANT against Soldier Ant and DeviANT. In the past, Fire Ant and Soldier Ant had been great teammates but now were separated by the moneymaking schemes of the Director of Fun. While Fire Ant and AssailANT had begun to coalesce into a functioning unit, Soldier Ant bristled at DeviANT’s pushy demands and left the ring (and his “partner” to take the loss). It’s a fine start and pacesetter for what lies ahead.

 

Soldier Ant (left) and Fire Ant hold a sit-in in protest of fighting each other.

 

The next match features old-timey baseball throwback Dasher Hatfield and incoherent Delirious, which ends in less than a minute after Hatfield pins Delirious with a rollup. As a fan of both, I would have liked to see more. After the surprise rollup, a shocked Delirious assaults Hatfield with help from Kobald of the Batiri.

 

The third match is another tag match featuring Los Ice Creams against the other two members of the Batiri, Kodama and Obariyon. Los Ice Creams are two masked luchadors who look like ice cream cones. Kodama and Obariyon are demons who look like twin Glenn Danzigs with green and black face paint An entertaining match balancing the pure silliness of Los Ice Creams and the vicious style of the Batiri, who get the win after a flying DDT on El Hijo del Ice Cream and then they sued Jerry Only.

 

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The fourth match is a singles match between Frightmare, the undersized but no less lethal member of the Spectral Envoy versus Ophidian, former member of the Osirian Portal and one half of the creators of The Most Illegal Move In Wrestling History. Ophidian is paranoid that his former partner Amasis is lurking in the building, and accosts multiple audience members who are wearing Amasis fan masks. His perpetual distraction allows Frightmare to gain a quick victory after a few minutes. It’s a short match but like some of the others on this show, the story will have to play out on future shows.

 

The fifth match is a tag match between the team of Jigsaw and The Shard and the thrown-together team of Sugar Dunkerton (70’s funky basketball throwback) and Icarus. This match has parallels to the first match of the evening, but where Soldier Ant is reluctant to team with his partner DeviANT, the good-natured Sugar is willing to put in a good faith effort as a sort-of member of F.I.S.T.. Unfortunately, Icarus leaves him stranded for a good chunk of the match (perhaps as a dues-paying experience) and Sugar takes the loss after being pinned by Shard. Incidentally, this is the FIRST match to feature wrestlers NOT wearing masks or makeup (Sugar and Icarus).

 

The sixth match is a non-title encounter between Chikara’s Grand Champion Eddie Kingston (a New York tough guy) and Green Ant, a popular member of the Colony. Kingston calls himself “the last of a dying breed” and in terms of slow-building, smash-mouth pro wrestling one would have to agree. Green Ant gives him a great match and they go back and forth until a surprise appearance by Kingston’s hated rival Kevin Steen, who comes out to taunt the Grand Champion in advance of their match the following night. They are separated by the severely undersized Director of Fun Wink Vavasseur, who is knocked down (or probably tripped over his own two feet) in the fracas. Kingston returns to the ring and Green Ant forces him to submit to gain the upset. Steen leaves, Wink is upset and blames Kingston for his fall, making the following night’s match between him and Steen one for the belt. This is a great match with a sketchy but mostly clean ending.

 

Seventh on the show is a six-man tag. On one side are the aforementioned Steen, teaming with Nick and Matt Jackson, the Young Bucks (at the time, Chikara’s Campeonatos de Parejas – or tag team champions). On the opposing side are Canadian tag sensation 3.0 (Scott Parker and Shane Matthews) and the mysterious Gran Akuma. Steen bills himself as “Wrestling’s worst nightmare” and who can blame him, for his unconventional mind games and hard-hitting style. Most of the match features Akuma taking the beating before getting a tag, which brings in both of 3.0 despite the rules and setting off one heck of an extended sequence culminating with Steen and the Bucks winning.

 

Next to last is a match featuring Hallowicked (of the Spectral Envoy) against “Kentucky Gentleman” Chuck Taylor (from F.I.S.T.). Hallowicked is accompanied to the ring by Spectral Envoy leader Ultramantis Black, who goes to the commentary booth and petitions for Spectral Envoy members to get more title opportunities, as Hallowicked and Taylor have an entertaining match which ends with Hallowicked getting the win after a Yakuza kick.

 

Introductions for the main event are interrupted by the deranged Tim Donst, followed to ringside by his lapdog Jakob Hammermeier. Donst seeks to remind the crowd that wrestling is pain and disappointment, not fun, art or heart. To this point, he takes out a pair of scissors and cuts up Jakob’s t-shirt then forces him to the mat and hacks away at Jakob’s long locks to the horrified screams of the audience (and Jakob’s pleas for mercy).

 

The main event is the real reason why I bought this download: Archibald Peck vs. “Mr. Touchdown” Mark Angelosetti in a no-disqualification match. I’ve been following this story since last year. . But you don’t need all the backstory. You see their entrances and you understand everything. One of them is a jock, a football star who spikes the pigskin in the ring and screams at the fans that they are “nerds”. The other is a nerd, a drum major and a lanky band geek, who had his best girl taken from him by the football star.

 

War is hell. Archibald Peck knows. (courtesy SMVOD.com)

 

For nearly 25 minutes, these two tear at each other and it does not disappoint They use whatever weapons they can find, from ringside seats to MMA gloves to football pads to a freaking pigeon monument! It is an exciting end to a story of vengeance and redemption for Marchie Archie, who lost his girl, his way, and his pigeon before clawing his way back. It is a story of triumph. Good does win over evil. It’s too good to spoil exactly how, but the only way it could have been better is if the orchestral version of “We Are The Champions” from Revenge Of The Nerds played at the conclusion.

 

 

 

Crystal Bloo Persuasion

May 12th, 2013

Listening to the song by Tommy James & The Shondells, “Crystal Blue Persuasion”.

 

 

There’s something they do near the end (about 3:36) that is one of my favorite things that happens in songs. When the backing vocals take over and they sound like their coming from the balcony of a cathedral. If I knew as much as production as a man with my experience level should, I could tell you what that effect was.

 

Production techniques have changed a lot since 1969, when “Crystal Blue Persuasion” was originally recorded. What’s on this song but vocals, congas, bass guitar, acoustic guitar, organ, and tambourine? No drum kit. No electric guitar. No strings. It’s really impressively underproduced and yet just right. The production serves the song rather than the ego of the musicians who recorded all the extra stuff that eventually was left out. “What about all those extra parts we recorded?” They didn’t work. Tough titties.

We Hurt Too, Yes We Do

May 8th, 2013

I’ve thought about apologizing as a path to healing.

 

 

I’ve thought about how I’ve been used my pain to lash out at the ones who caused my pain. Sometimes pain that was given to me initially is a pain I’ve prolonged and tortured myself. Find a path to peace and closure. Or at least have the chance to file things away because there’s probably some other nonsense over the horizon.

 

I’ve rejected a few of the conventions of modern American life, and I can’t go back. I’ve seen the brick wall at the back of the theater. American society is a series of set pieces and we are guided through it like improv drama (the worst kind of improv). I now want to discard the pitfalls of manhood.

 

I don’t want to compare myself to other men anymore. I don’t want to do any “game” nonsense. I don’t want to play the game, or play games, or spit game. I don’t want to “neg” women. I don’t want to think about things like my “mating potential” or “date-ability”. I want to not want, but that is not possible. Everybody wants, everybody needs. I want to accept that it’s okay for me to need.

 

“We hurt too, yes we do. . .”