Archive for April, 2013

I Have New Material (My Set List)

April 29th, 2013

Here is a list of songs I may or may not be playing at the show tomorrow night, which has been moved to Zanzabar and will be headlined by Andy D. Be warned, I’ve made some of these song titles up.

  1. Night People (Electro Remix) – This is used as an opener crowd-hype intro.
  2. Electric Eeyore Intercourse Junction – my first foray into dubstep
  3. The Concept Of U – Not a Prince tribute, despite the title
  4. Mountain Music – a piano ballad about well-wishes for an elderly man
  5. Normal Love – an old ballad
  6. Night People (Dubstep Remix of the Electro Remix) – a half-time keep-the-crowd hyped piece
  7. Cornbread – a dancehall reggae song, accidentally racist
  8. Die Alone – probably won’t play this one
  9. When I Think About You I Get Sticky – This one would make girls cry if a cuter guy sang it.
  10. GAY 4 LUV – Protest rock. Lady Gaga meets Iggy & The Stooges
  11. Kandy Korn Palace – psychedelic sample masterpiece of hip-pop
  12. Woman & Her Clothes – an aggressive folk song
  13. Night People (Trap Remix of Dubstep Remix of Electro Remix) – closing theme.

Monsanto: Your Good Food Friend

April 29th, 2013

Dear pals and others,

I want you to know that I’ve been gone for the last week on a trip. I was in St. Louis, Missouri. Creve Coeur to be exact, meeting up with my new friends from the Monsanto Company.

 

 

I’d like to thank my friends at Monsanto for treating me to an all-expenses paid trip to Creve Coeur. The car they sent was roomy, and their driver was very knowledgeable at driving through the backwoods of south central Kentucky. I appreciate his avoidance of small-talk and tried some of Monsanto’s clients foods in the back of the limo with my other new European ladyfriends, Constance and Evelyne.

 

I would also like to thank Monsanto for booking me in the Presidential Suite at the Ritz-Carlton in downtown St. Louis. While I’m at it, the Ritz-Carlton is to be commended for their outstanding hospitality and their beds which sleep three people quite comfortably and are actually very sturdy. If you’re in St. Louis and need a place to crash, I definitely recommend the Ritz-Carlton. Word of warning: it’s a little on the pricey side (wink, wink)

 

But I would have you mistaken if you thought I went to St. Louis just to hang out in a fancy hotel room eating snack cakes with two beautiful German women the whole time. Oh no no no no no. I even managed to take in a Cardinals baseball game (front row behind home plate). I’m not even a Cards fan; matter of fact, I’m a Cubs fan and I hate the Cards. You can imagine how it did my heart good to watch the Pirates wipe the floor with them 5-3. And I couldn’t have had that moment if it hadn’t been for the good people at Monsanto, who are creating new solutions in agriculture, biotechnology and aggressive digestive entertainment.

 

The thing about me and this blog is that I have always been honest with my readers. Whether I’ve been right or wrong, I’ve always called it as I’ve seen it and even my enemies will attest to that. So let me tell you that you can trust me when I’m telling you that Monsanto is not your enemy at the supermarket, the fridge or the cupboard. Monsanto is “your good food friend”, as I’m inclined to believe.

 

“But what about genetically modifying our food? What about all the Congressional lobbyists? What about all their false advertising and their attempts to block warning labels on the products? What about the potential destruction that bioagriculture does to the environment?”  These are your questions. Here are mine: what about a lifetime supply of Little Debbie snackcakes, and what about having two German 10’s whisper into your ear in great detail what they will do to you and each other after the Cards lose to the Pirates, and what about the limo windows, tinted black so no one can look inside when the girls get a head start, and who wants to live to be an old man when life will never be that good again? These are my questions.

Me Against My Music… LIVE!

April 22nd, 2013

  • Kentucky Prophet will be performing live in Louisville on 4/30 (next Tuesday) as a prelude to the Lebowski Fest.
  • This will be a performance featuring me, my instrumentals, and maybe a little bit of keyboards. I haven’t done one of these in a while.
  • The last time I played in Louisville, a guy walked up to me and said into my mic “You are the worst singer ever.” I hope this show goes better than that one did.
  • Details at this time are still hazy. I am not handling my own booking, generally. I have farmed this out to a third-party so I can get on with the business of writing and singing and hand-wringing.
  • I will be performing more in the future. Besides this show and the Lebowski Fest show, I’ve got a show in Bowling Green that I’ll be performing in a few months.
  • HOUSE SHOWS: I wouldn’t mind playing one or two of them. Kentucky Prophet aka “Uncle Mike tries to molest people fifteen years younger than him while singing”, aka “a normal show”.
  • It’s not weird that I try to molest people younger than me because I’m thirty-five. Yes, you read that correctly.

 

The Fall & Fall Of Richie Havens

April 22nd, 2013

Richie Havens, the folk singer who performed at the first Woodstock, has passed away at the age of 72. Havens’ performance of “Freedom” was a highlight of the festival, a highlight among many. Unfortunately, Havens’ career and life post-Woodstock saw him fall into a tailspin that only ended with his recent death.

 

Havens in 1972, before the price of fame caught up to him.

 

 

  • 1978: Havens records a disco version of “Freedom”, his famous song from Woodstock, in order to cash in on the newest craze. It does not succeed on the charts.
  • 1986: Havens is dropped from his record label after commenting in an interview that African Americans were naturally superior athletes at least in part because they had been bred to produce stronger offspring during slavery.
  • 1988: Havens wins a Grammy award, but is shortly revoked after it is revealed that Havens’ singing voice was supplied by country legend Chet Atkins
  • 1989: Havens is arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct in Hollywood after threatening to expose himself outside a pay-for-play hair metal show at the Viper Room.
  • 1994: Havens makes one of several prank phone calls to ABC News during their coverage of the OJ Simpson Ford Bronco “police accompaniment”.
  • 1997: Havens is arrested after images of child pornography are found on his computer. He will be convicted in 1999 for downloading thousands of images of child pornography and register as a sex offender and spend four months in jail.
  • 1999: Havens is seen in public wearing a Limp Bizkit t-shirt.
  • 2001: While living in Cambodia, Havens is arrested for clobbering a thirteen-year-old local girl to death with one of his guitars. He is released by the authorities for lack of evidence.
  • 2004: Havens performs Toby Keith’s “Courtesy Of The Red, White & Blue” at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood and calls several audience members racial slurs. The following week, he apologizes on David Letterman’s late night show.
  • 2007: Havens asks Daft Punk to remix his 1978 disco version of “Freedom”. They turn him down.

Supply & Demand

April 21st, 2013

If they stopped making porn for like five years and all we had was all the porn that had already been made up to now, we’d still be fine. We wouldn’t go insane for a lack of pornography supply.

– something I’ve said a lot of times.

 

Last night I realized that the above quote would be just as true if I took out the word “porn” and replaced it with “music”. That’s really horrifying to me.

 

In the car driving home, I imagined what it would be like if I gave a keynote speech at a music event like CMJ or SXSW. And I got to thinking about how the music business seemed alive but mostly for non-musicians. Do you make and sell posters, are you a club owner or an agent or a distributor or in publishing or merchandise? Then you need to worry about how to keep “the music business” afloat and kicking. But if you’re a musician, you’re probably doomed unless you happen to be a money-making act.

 

I started thinking about supply vs. demand. About how when a band puts out its’ new EP or vinyl single they are competing with the supply of the ENTIRE HISTORY OF RECORDED COMMERCIAL MUSIC. Nobody thinks about it like that, but in the end one more band putting out songs on iTunes is like one more sprinkle in the hot fudge sundae, doomed to get lost in the shuffle.

 

How do you create a demand for what you do unless you’ve already given the consumer a thing they want? There’s no guarantee that they’ll want to hear from you again. Don’t believe me? Ask Gotye or Carly Rae Jespen or any one-hit wonder.

 

It might be time for us to start passing laws to prevent people from releasing any more music. Let’s have an official moratorium. The market is more than flooded as it is. Kentucky Prophet has a vinyl single coming up later this year.

 

Stress Me

April 19th, 2013

I’m so stressed right now. It would be difficult for me to not be if all I did was watch the news. That’s not the case though.

 

I don’t have a lot of thoughts right now that can be summarized in a tweet. I love to tweet, I love to make jokes on Twitter, and make pithy little comments. That’s what Twitter is best for. I would say it’s good for promotion but I don’t know that to be true. I guess it’s good for promotion if you have a half-million followers or something. If you have 363 followers, then it’s probably not so great for that.

 

I have been in bed a lot lately this week.  More than normally. My grandfather is concerned for me but this is how my body is reacting to all the stress. He is worried for me. I worry for him. Our family crest should be a giant worrywart next to a six-pack of diet cola.

 

It’s hard to be entertaining and funny when the shit is raining down, isn’t it?

Tickets Go On Sale 4/20

April 16th, 2013

Okay, kids. Here’s the straight skinny on the whole Lebowski Fest deal. Tickets go on sale this Saturday, which happens to be 4/20. Get it? Of course you do.

 

Friday night will feature myself opening up for the Kyle Gass Band and the feature presentation of The Big Lebowski. Saturday will feature a garden party followed by a nighttime bowling party. If you have never been, let me tell you that YOU SHOULD MOST DEFINITELY GO. And not just because I’m performing. I’ve always had a good time at Lebowski Fest. I’ve been to four of them, played at three of them. I am steadfastly becoming the “Lebowski Fest Performer Emeritus”.

 

http://www.lebowskifest.com/UpcomingFests/12thAnnualLouisvilleJul1920/tabid/254/Default.aspx

 

 

Sex On The Radio?

April 15th, 2013

Some days you want to go out and enjoy the beauty of the day. You’re full of pith and vinegar and ready to kick ass while the sun is out. Enjoy the sun and breathe easy.

 

Other days, you don’t want to do anything but listen to pornography and cry in your favorite chair. Yes, I said “listen” to pornography. No, I’m not talking about the Cure album, Pornography. I’m talking about having porn on in the background, like music, while crying in your favorite chair. Not even masturbating or fondling yourself while crying, either. Just crying. Because the world doesn’t make any sense.

 

Don’t pity me. It’s like listening to sex on the radio while you cry about things in the news or your life or whatever. Except in radio, it would be more descriptive and detailed because you’re missing the visual element.

 

No, I don’t need Jesus or a brain scan. Just let me cry and listen to pornography for a few hours, mm-kay? Just let me cry myself out and then I’ll get it together and deal with whatever is bothering me. You and I cope in different ways, mm-kay?

The Man Is Back

April 12th, 2013

My grandfather is home tonight and he’s strapped with an oxygen tank.

 

Look at this son-of-a-gun breathing and whatnot. Slam bang. Hotcha! Look at this old man taking TWO water pills a day instead of one. What a guy! Look at this guy not enjoying his compromised independence. Whoo, kid.

 

My grandfather is technology behind the curve. I’m sure the idea of a fax machine is strange to him, forget about computers and the Internet and blogging. What would he think if he knew I was blogging and Tweeting about him and his life and struggles? What would he think if he knew that people read this stuff?

 

This is the end of what happens to all you moms who post stuff about your babies as they get older and bigger. Be forewarned.

 

We’ve got one of those 24/7 air pumps with a connecting tube that allows him to get around the house. My aunt had the same thing after she had a cancerous lump taken off her lung. We’ve also got a portable tank on wheels so he can get around. The portable tanks have about four hours of air apiece. Knowing my grandfather, he’ll talk so much that he’ll turn four hours of air into ninety minutes.

 

Taking care of my grandfather has been a character-building experience, or at least that’s what I’ve been writing down on my college entrance forms.

Goin’ Back To Lebowski Fest

April 10th, 2013

I think I’m goin’ back to the things I learned so well. . . which mean going to Louisville and giving Lebowski Fest a double-barrel of Kentucky Prophet!

 

 

This will be my fourth performance at a Lebowski Fest. But instead of stinking up the Saturday garden party, I’m going to throw some funk on the Friday night festivities, opening up for the Kyle Gass Band. You’ll know Kyle as KG or Kage from Tenacious D. I don’t even know why I bothered typing that. Duh.

 

Here’s what you get on Friday, July 19th. Me, the Prophet, back again. Me and my backing tracks. Blasting caps in asses again. Sending out intercontinental vibrations. Sending out thick uncut pure Kentucky Prophetisms.

 

Surprises? I’m working on it. July 19th isn’t far away. Special good times. Get ready. Prophet will return.