Jughead Speaks!

March 12th, 2013

AKA Excerpts from an unpublished tell-all autobiography by the drummer for the bubblegum pop sensation that gave you “Sugar, Sugar”, “Bang-Shang-A-Lang” and “Jingle Jangle”. Jughead Speaks: Everything You Know About The Archies Is A Lie! was scrapped by its’ publisher for unpublishable, unverifiable, obscene libel.

 

GIVE THE DRUMMER SOME!

 

Let me tell you something you can send your fact checkers to suss out, Simon N. Shooster. This is a true verifiable fact what I am about to tell you.

 

I AM THE ONLY MEMBER OF THE ARCHIES TO PLAY ON EVERY SONG ON EVERY ALBUM.

 

Who co-wrote all the songs on Wiggle-Waggle Wizards of Rhythm? I did. Who produced Funky Bubblegum Boogaloo ’72? Me, motherfucker! That’s who did it. Without that album, do you have Electric Light Orchestra? Do you have the B-53s or whoever they are with the “Love Shack”? NO. YOU. DON’T.

 

Archie Andrews? Fuck that guy. He couldn’t tell the difference between a guitar and a polecat with a bleeding asshole. Somebody else played the guitar on the Archie’s albums. And most of the singing, too. Tone-deaf faggot.

 

Reggie Mantle? That crummy Mexican couldn’t be bothered to learn his bass parts. Reggie was the kind of guy who would fuck a tree with a snake in it, if the snake was a Korean teenager. I tried to get David Bowie to produce our last album, Psychedelic Excretions In The Pants, but Reggie didn’t want to do it because he was afraid David Bowie would steal his semen in the middle of the night. So what if the guy was or is a cocksucker? The guy is magic when it comes to tunes. I say let him put your thing in his mouth and hum a few bars, Reg.

 

Betty and Veronica? Please. Betty was too busy trying to keep the weight off to sing. At least Veronica could keep her weight down. You would too if were taking Dexedrine all the time. Nice tits, though.

 

Who was the guy that kept the whole thing together? Me! I held it together as long as I could. That band should have been called The Jugheads. Assholes.

 

Everybody wants to do it with Betty and Veronica so bad, but they think they’re too good to spread it around. Everything you know about the Archies is a fucking lie. Those girls aren’t into Archie at all. Veronica won’t give the time of day to any man unless he’s a high-class fashion designer, and they’re all faggots. Meanwhile, Betty is in love with ice cream and hunky fireman calendars. What a fat whore, that no-having-sex-with-anyone whore.

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