Archive for November, 2012

WorldStarHipHop Frank Zappa.

November 30th, 2012

DAT’Z RIGHT NIGGAZ!!!1 I’M FRANK MOTHERFUKKIN’ ZAPPA! BACK FROM THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ GRAVE, NAHMEAN? UP IN HERE FOR THA 2012 SOON TO BE 2013 DONT BELEEVE DAT MAYAN SHIT LOL OMG!

 

 

I HERD YOU BITCH-ASS BITCHES WAS IN NEED OF SOME HELP. WACK-ASS BULLSHIT MUSIC THAT YOU SICK ‘N TIRED OF. YOU CAN’T GET NO APP FOR THAT. BUT YOU CAN GET A ZAPP FOR THAT, LOL. I GOT JOKES FOR DAYS, MOTHERFUCKERS.

 

I KNOW SOME OF YA’LL LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT AND SOME OF YA’LL DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT BUT THINK JOHN MAYER IS A GOOD MUSICIAN. ALL YA’LL ARE TRIPPIN’ ON SOME HIGH SCHOOL GOSSIP SHIT LIKE A BUNCH OF BITCHES. JOHN MAYER AINT SHIT ON GUITAR. I MEAN, I RESPECT THE NIGGA’S PUSSY GAME AND ALL, BUT HE AINT NO EDGARD VARESE OR DUANE ALLMAN. TAYLOR SWIFT? I’D PUT A SHOEHORN IN THAT PUSSY AND WROTE AN OPERA ABOUT IT, DIG THAT. AND I FUCKED JANIS JOPLIN, THAT DRUNK SHEMALE NIGGA.

dis bitch got more armhair than me an i'm italian, nahmean?

I GOTTA DUMM SHIZZ DOWN FOR ALL YA’LL WACK NON-READING MOTHAFUKKAS OUT THERE IN THE ’12. YA’LL KNOW DAMN WELL I CAN DO SOME OF THAT INTELLIGENT “America is inflicting its’ stupidity on the world” NOT-ALL-CAPS TYPE OF SHIT BUT DAMN IF YA’LL BITCH-ASS FOOLS CAN’T HANG NO MORE. YA’LL CAN’T HANDLE SMART THINKIN’.

 

 

LOOK AT DIZ MOTHERFUCKER HERE WITH HIS GOTDAMN TOOTHBRUGH AND HIS COCA-COLA. YOU KNOW I BEEN WANTING TO SLAP THA SHIT OUTA HIM ABOUT TWENTY TIMES ALREADY BUT A NIGGA CANT DO THAT BECAUSE THEN A MOTHERFUCKER WILL JUST START PLAYING HIS ALTO SAX AND TALKING ABOUT GILA MONSTERS AND SHIZZZ I CAN’T UNDERSTAND THIS MOTHERFUCKER NO MORE. SWEART TO GAWD I’M FINNA PAY DIS MOTHERFUCKA IN BULLETS ‘N SHIT.

 

We Have Only Begun To Wreck Shop

November 27th, 2012

I’m trying to feel positive.

 

Music is great. I couldn’t be a critic because I love the shit too much. I’m too in love with it to really hammer the people who do it badly. The only people I could really attack are the ones who seem like they wouldn’t care anyway. Your vanity album-makers. It wouldn’t bother me to crush Paris Hilton when she made her album, only I didn’t listen to it. And a lot of people bent over backwards trying to find nice things to say about it. . . “um, the producers did a good job.” Thanks, assholes.

 

Let’s get back to people who make music and love it. Specifically the five men of Technology Vs. Horse, my rocking middle-aged combo of computer programmers and desk jockeys. This is my crowd, my tribe of sociopaths. Or perhaps they are sane and I am the sociopath. Perhaps none of us are sociopaths and I’ve been imagining things wrong this whole time? YES, LET’S GO WITH THAT!

 

I am getting progressively excited(er) because I realize that the best work of my band is ahead of me. That’s a great feeling. We have more great music in our souls and we will continue to perform it for people who want to hear it. The dedicated few, we appreciate them.

 

I take it personally when people do music badly. I shouldn’t but I do. At least I don’t name names. To their face. Sell your guitars. Learn a real trade. “Move aside and let a live n**** handle” that is what my friends on the hip-hop message boards would say.

I Missed Black Friday Completely

November 24th, 2012

You may have read this blog a few days ago when I said I was going to do Black Friday. I was going to brave the tide of crazy, angsty shoppers looking for deals. A tsunami of appliance and toy seeking maniacs willing to fight over bargains like Lord Of The Flies.

 

. . . and I missed it. The whole thing.

 

It’s Saturday and I could still go out and brave some residual weirdness on this blackest of weekends. But I’m not going to. I’m not up to it. I’m not up to much of anything. I’m up to sitting in a chair or going to bed or that’s about it. Nothing more than that.

 

I am not going to buy presents this year. I don’t have a whole lot of money and what I have I need for myself. Nuts to everybody who loves me. And I also the people I love. Bleh. Eat it, you scum.

Hollywood’s Secret Transsexual Celebs!

November 21st, 2012

Ceelo Green (famous singer of “Crazy”, and “F*** You”,judge on NBC’s The Voice) is actually a 47-year-old Jewish woman named Carla Greenblatt from Silver Spring, Maryland.

 

Jamie Lee Curtis (film actress and yogurt spokeswoman) is actually Arnold James Schenker, a former male hustler from San Bernadino, California with a rare medical condition known to laymen as “reptilian scale pecker”. Rumors of hermaphroditic genitalia have been floated by her publicists for decades to keep the public from speculating on the true nature of Curtis/Schenker’s unique deformity.

 

Eddie Murphy (actor, comedian) was born Addison M’Boute de Chancourtois just outside Paris. Unlike everyone else on this list, Murphy continues to live as his birth gender. However, as he is a secret Frenchman, we cannot be sure what else he is hiding or if his entire adult life has been a wide-scale, decade-spanning version of Borat.

 

Robert Plant (singer for Led Zeppelin) was born Janis Lyn Joplin in 1943. Joplin died in October 1970 right before the release of the third Led Zeppelin album. Coincidence?

You Know What? I’m Doing Black Friday

November 20th, 2012

On Saturday, I went to a family function that served as the official Thanksgiving dinner for my family. I’m well aware that Thanksgiving actually takes place the following Thursday, but this would have to serve as the day we could do it. Something about joint custody of kids. One parent gets the kid on Thanksgiving, the other parent gets the kid on Christmas. Not an uncommon deal, I reckon.

 

As it stands, I won’t be doing a doggone thing on the actual Thanksgiving. Which means I am totally free to do whatever I want. Which means I can actually participate in Black Friday because I won’t be in a sleep-coma from eating turkey (side note: I hate turkey). Also, the NFL games aren’t very good that day. Lions are playing? No thanks. Cowboys are playing? Forget that.

 

I’ve seen some Facebook hubbub about doing the etsy, DIY, etc. thing about keeping money in the local economy and not giving your money to the major retailers. That sounds really nice except most of you are sharing those statuses on laptops and smartphones that can’t be made by a local engineer and sold at the farmer’s market. It’s certainly fine if you want to go to the Apple Store to get your computer goods, but don’t shit on me if I go to one of the Marts, Wal or its’ slightly downscale cousin K.

 

Maybe I don’t know how to knit and don’t want to learn. Maybe I also don’t want you to give me a gift you knitted. Why do you want to give me a grandma gift? You know what, that’s not fair to my grandma. She’s actually gotten me some usable gifts. Granted, she hasn’t hit ’em all out of the park. I don’t need this shoehorn she got me last year, but I guarantee I would rather have a shoehorn than a knitted scarf or a toque from someone who isn’t a grandmother. What kind of friend do you think you are? A good one? Seriously?

 

If you want to keep your money in the local economy and don’t want to go to a big chain retailer, send me a picture of your genitals and asshole. It won’t cost a dime. 100% of your money will stay in your wallet. Or you can e-mail the photos to me. I’d prefer to have the pics e-mailed to me. I go through at least two phones a year, and I’ll lose the pics when I get a new phone. If you have a male name, just send a card instead.

Death On Two Legs

November 16th, 2012

Goodbye, dummy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqhoKLl21mc

 

Goodbye, you alienating crazy person. I got off the blower with you and I never felt so unburdened. I give, you take? That’s never gonna work.

 

I would be a liar and a prick if I pretended that I wasn’t an irrational crazy fucker, too. I couldn’t possibly be 100% in the right. This one I’m gonna score 70/30 in my favor, though. I think that’s pretty doggone good of me. You go on and drive other people crazy with your zany bullshit.

 

Friends sometimes have to call each other out on each other’s bullshit. You blow up whenever someone tries to do that to you. You go crazy because you want to get out of every situation. I think you be way too thoughtless and careless. You think I’m delusional and paranoid, which could very well be true but if it is I’ve got enough things right in the past to feel like I come by it honestly. You can find that saying on coffee cups all over the world: “Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you.”

 

 

You’re a nitwit. I’m about to put you on blast. You’re about to be written off forever. You’re death on two legs.

Musical Elitism?

November 15th, 2012

I don’t think I can’t take it.

 

I can’t take it when musicians think certain things are beneath them. I find it frustrating.

 

Started thinking about this while watching a Frank Zappa documentary. George Duke played keyboards in Zappa’s band from 1970 to 1974. Being a heavy jazz-head, Duke objected to Zappa’s asking him to play doo-wop r&b piano triplets. Duke said he didn’t join the group to play “clang-clang-clang, clang-clang-clang”, and Zappa asked him “So you think it’s beneath you?”

 

George was being a musical elitist. Eventually he took the stick out of his ass and played the piano triplets. It helped that the man who asked him to play them was a heavy himself. Frank Zappa was thoroughly capable of creating complicated amazing music, and did so quite a bit for decades until he died in 1993. But in that moment, he wanted his band to do a little r&b boogie like it was the 50s all over again, George Duke’s hipness be damned. Frank Zappa didn’t give a shit about “heavy”.

 

Unfortunately, I continue to see musical elitism. Granted, it’s not about piano triplets but it might as well be. Simple ideas and concepts are neglected or discarded. Simple forms get the eyeroll compared to expressions of personal musical dexterity. And here’s the big problem for me: “simple” is what I do best. I’m also good at taking complicated things and making them simpler for the listener. But maybe I’m sick of that role. Maybe I don’t want to be an editor or sculptor of ideas all the time.

 

I’m thoroughly capable of generating my own content. I’ve done it a shitload of times. I’ll probably do it again soon. I’m actually working on making my music simpler. Maybe I’m writing simpler material as a reaction to the extra-dextrous music. I’m writing music that other people think they are too good to play. And guess what? I can do this all day, son. I give no fucks.

Tiny, Blue And Fragile

November 14th, 2012

I want to tell you how I feel.

 

I feel like I am weighed down by depression. Massive tarps connected to impossibly huge weights dragging me down, covering my soul. This is how I feel now.

 

Happiness is something I remember feeling but cannot relive. Laughs and good feelings are brief flames in a cold existence.

 

It is useless to try to put blame on why I feel like this because there’s a very good chance that if I find out why I feel this way I won’t be able to solve the problem. “Sir, your debit purchase for $27.52 has been declined. The bank has frozen your card because two men in Hot Springs, Arkansas haven’t finished playing paper-rock-scissors.” Do you see how I wouldn’t be able to stop that?

 

Anything I can’t control is an Act of God. You went to the store and bought some things. That’s an Act of God. People were born and other people died. Rain fell in some parts of the world, snow in others. Someone watched a cat video on Youtube. I have no idea what this means or where to go with it.

 

I don’t have a fire inside me anymore. If there’s a light in me, it’s like those pilot lights on the stove, tiny,blue and fragile.

No I Shouldn’t Be A Drag Queen

November 11th, 2012

Perhaps the dumbest suggestion anyone has ever made to me was made this yesternight. And for perhaps the silliest reason.

 

“You could probably get a lot of poon if you were a drag queen.”

 

Yes, folks. There’s nothing women want to suck on more than the nozzle attached to a female impersonator. That’s why you always hear about RuPaul’s many affairs with shapely Hollywood starlets from Meg Ryan to Anne Hathaway. Wait. . .

 

What in the utter outright hell are my friends thinking? Are these my friends or are they trying to sell me a line just to mess for the purpose of seeing how far I’m willing to go for attention?

 

I would have one significant advantage over most drag queens. I can sing instead of lip-sync. And perhaps I could make some money. Why am I even still talking about this?

After The Election, The Void

November 8th, 2012

The last two years of our lives have been up to the gills with Presidential election-ness. Now it’s over, for a little while. President Obama retained his position for another term. Four more years, four more years, let’s hear it everybody.

 

On either side, no matter who you voted for, what you might be feeling is a sort of post-election void. A encompassing emptiness. What will you fill your life with now that the election cycle over? What will you do with the void in your life? What about the void in mine?

 

Some people are ready to start thinking about 2016, and the possibility of Hillary Clinton versus Chris Christie for the Presidency. I don’t want to think about it. Or 2016. Or 2014, the next mid-term elections. I want to fill the void in my life, and with no bullshit either. I could waste my time with music, politics, fantasy football, wrestling or pornography. Those are the five things I’ve been wasting my time with. Sometimes music, politics, fantasy football, wrestling and pornography just aren’t enough. Surprising, isn’t it?

 

Football fans are known to feel like this after the Super Bowl. I need to get a chick and at least one other hobby.