Archive for October, 2012

Halloween Song Of The Day

October 31st, 2012

 

Tonight’s Song of the Day, what with today being Halloween and all, is “Dio Fa” by Frank Zappa. “Dio Fa” appears on the album Civilization, Phaze III, which came out in 1994. It was the last album Zappa finished in his lifetime.

 

This is some of the most Halloween-esque music I’ve ever heard. The Civilization Album, and “Dio Fa” in particular, scared my family when they heard it coming from my room. It scared them so much I took it back to the record store. It scared me a little bit too. I was sixteen years old. This wasn’t exactly “Dancin’ Fool” or “Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow”.

 

By the way, “dio fa” is an expression of Italian slang, translating to “God damn”. Civilization, Phaze III was released on Halloween, 1994.

 

I should have never taken that album back to the record store. Should have kept it around and played it at haunted houses every year. It would have been great.

Let The Record Show Gawker Aint Shit

October 30th, 2012

A very smart friend of mine who is in the newspaper business posted a very relevant thing today in the wake of New York City being hit heavy by Hurricane Sandy. I will not attribute the quote to him because he posts on Facebook under a pseudonym.

 

Newspapers up and down the seaboard figured out a way to publish (at least for store and rack sales). Yet Gawker and HuffPo (among others) are still down, too stupid or cheap to institute a backup plan.

Gawker and HuffPo would be snarking the fuck out of any idiotic, bottom-feeding media business that gets shut down by a storm — unless it’s their own idiotic, bottom-feeding media business.

 

If you looked at the Gawker update page they’ve set up in lieu of their usual fare, you might feel like you were looking at someone’s Tumblr and a bad one at that? Because the servers are down? Because the staff is scared to come in or can’t get into the city to post their Lindsay Lohan stories? I guess HuffPo does the same thing, taking the news from actual news sources, but I avoid them like I would malls, haunted houses, or haunted mall huts. I don’t need them or their celebrity op-eds.

 

I sympathize with the newspaper industry, a business that is dying in part because the people in charge can’t seem to stop strangling it from the inside. An industry that went Bain Capital all over itself so many years ago. But this is a moment for those still fighting the good fight to have a laugh at the expense of blog aggregates. If the host body dies, where does the parasite go?

I Know Your Nudes Are On Reddit

October 29th, 2012

I know you have naked pictures on Reddit. Yes, you do.
I have seen you naked. Unfortunately, you kept your face out of the shot so I can’t identify exactly who you are. But I’ve seen you naked. I’ve seen your breasts and your butt. And your vagina. And your butthole. Probably your boyfriend’s dick, while it’s in you. But not your face.

 

I have probably seen more of my friends naked than I could possibly comprehend, and yet I can’t attach faces to the genitals, tits and bums. I would appreciate knowing who I was looking at. However, a lot of people don’t want to attach their faces to these pictures, lest they end up on some website like Is Anyone Up? used to be.

 

I’m looking at your vagina and asshole right now. You’re all bent over, wearing black garters with a frilly skirt and a matching bra. Your boyfriend must have taken this photo, or your girlfriend. You are as pink as an uncooked turkey. I don’t have a way with seductive words.

 

You really enjoy showing me this stuff. You are an exhibitionist, but you can’t bear to put your name on it. Because you have a job. A life. You go to church. You’re known in your local community. You want to be seen, but not be seen by people who actually know you and see you every day. That seems a tad off.

 

You have a landing strip. It’s well-maintained and nibble-worthy. Congratulations.

Should’ve Been Doing Something

October 28th, 2012

Probably gonna take a shower soon and then go to my room and put pen to paper. I must write a wrong, or right a wrong. However, whatever.

 

Should’ve been doing something tonight. I made plans. Plans get cancelled. I turned down things to do this and then everything gets screwed up. I wish I had known it would be this way. I think that’s the genuine gist of what I’m getting at, or what I will get at when I start writing.

 

I can’t be too mad. I’m not. I just wish I had done something tonight instead of what I ended up doing which was nothing. I guess that’s not completely true. I talked to some people on Facebook. So that counts for something.

 

Here’s what bites. I had set aside this Saturday for my friend, especially. He tells me at noon or thereabouts that it aint happenin’. I can’t blame him. Life conspires to keep us from doing the things we’d prefer to do. I could have gone to a wedding or a boxing match or a party or I could have gone to a costumed sex party in the hills. It was too late to take back those RSVPs. My life.

I Want A Thank You

October 25th, 2012

I might as well lay it out here because who cares if no one ever reads it or not.

 

I help these two guys out with their radio show. If you read me on the regular, you know that. I call in with their radio show, I make football predictions, I contribute to the show on a regular but limited basis.

 

Here’s the problem with the show. One of the hosts has no visible interest in any sports beyond roller derby, which is a fringe sport but if you can get some mileage out of it and kill some time with it, mazeltov. He doesn’t know about the mainstream sports in America which is a major problem if you are CO-HOSTING A SPORTS RADIO SHOW.

 

My friend, the other host, asked me to contribute to the show. He happens to know a thing or two about sports, specifically boxing and MMA. That’s good but he recognizes that he needs help discussing mainstream sports, like football, basketball and baseball.

 

What I want is for this oblivious roller derby fan to get hold of me and thank me for helping save his bacon. You have a hard time filling your on-air time because you are ill-suited to co-host a sports talk show. The other guy has thanked me.

 

Sometimes you forget that America was built by people who were ill-suited to do the job. The founding fathers were ill-suited to form a new nation. No one is suited to be a President and yet every four years we elect another one. Give us another two weeks, we’ll do it again. People who take the job because they’re smart enough to avoid saying “You shouldn’t hire me. You shouldn’t pay me all this money. There’s a great chance I will blow this whole thing.” Our country was built on unqualified people keeping their mouths shut. The only people who knew what they were doing were the Chinese when they built the railroads, those poor bastards. We really oughta let them have a crack at the light speed rail thing in our country. But we’ll screw up and contract this job to someone’s son who knows a guy in charge even though he doesn’t know what he’s doing exactly.

 

What was I talking about again?

I had a good week of NFL picks.

October 24th, 2012

Last week I was supposed to make NFL picks for the radio show I guest on. How did it go, you ask?

 

 

So here’s the deal. I’m gonna make NFL predictions every week. Oh boy.

 

Buccaneers at home over Vikings

Patriots away over Rams

Steelers at home over Redskins

Eagles at home over Falcons

Seahawks away over Lions

Bears at home over Panthers

Packers at home over Jaguars

Dolphins away over Jets

Chargers away over Browns

Titans at home over Colts

Raiders away over Chiefs

Giants away over Cowboys

Broncos at home over Saints

49ers away over Cardinals

 

Ideally, I’ll get two-thirds of my picks correct every week. It can’t happen every week, but that’s the main idea. Hopefully I have more of this to build credibility as a sports prognosticator.

New Glasses Soon

October 22nd, 2012

Tomorrow, I’m going to get some new glasses. This has been at least six months in the making. I’m getting an eye exam and a new pair of frames. I can’t wait for this. If you could see my glasses right now, you wouldn’t understand how I could see. My glasses are so messed up that driving around at night worries me a little bit.

 

This is the most worthwhile investment I’ve made in quite some time. Hell yes. I can’t wait. Tomorrow will be so incredible. I’ll have a new pair of glasses. Maybe even two. Some corrective lenses or whatnot. Maybe they can correct my astigmatism. You silly eyes. I’m actually excited for this. I’m excited like this like I would be for a great band I like coming to town.

 

Tomorrow, I’m gonna be seeing like a motherfucker.

 

Look at these scratched-up frames, for crying out loud.

 

 

 

How am I supposed to be seeing in these things? I should have hit fifteen cars by now.

I Wish I Was This Good, If Only Once

October 21st, 2012

 

Goddamn. Thom Bell productions are amazing. I want to write a song with Thom Bell and have him produce it. Just one, if only once. What would it take? The man is almost seventy. He’s not dead. I hope he’s doing okay. Please live to be a hundred years old, Thom Bell. You’re the king of amazing soul music.

 

“Betcha By Golly Wow”. “You Make Me Feel Brand New”, “Rubberband Man”, and a bunch of other songs including the one I just posted. Dammit.

 

How much would I have to raise? How much dick would I have to suck in order to make the money it would cost to bring the legendary Thom Bell out of retirement? How much fat trucker pussy would I have to eat? How many Japanese men do I have to let cum on my glasses before Thom Bell will produce ONE song for me?

I went to Zumba, not a whorehouse

October 19th, 2012

This Zumba prostitution deal in Maine makes me very envious in some way.

 

I used to do Zumba, earlier this year. I want to make sure that everyone knows that I went to a high school gym to Zubaz. I did not go to a house of prostitution.

 

My Zumba instructor was a Zumba instructor. She was not a prostitute or madam. I exercised. I did not engage in prostitution. I did not solicit prostitutes.

 

I wish I lived in Maine, near this woman who was a Zumba instructor who got arrested on 150 counts of prostitution. You should actually look up it up. Go google “Zumba prostitute Maine” and there you go. You’ll find the videos this woman posted and you’ll see what I mean.

 

Why did I have to go to Zumba classes where they were all about exercise and good health? What the hell? This is the first and only time I ever wanted to live in Maine.

How Could I Have Missed Arthur Russell?

October 19th, 2012

Some days, you get a good tip. You find out about a new artist to discover and enjoy. Then you find out the new artist has been dead for twenty years. Such is the case of Arthur Russell.

 

 

Since I just found out about this guy yesterday, I don’t know the full scoop. I know he did a lot of different music. His first impact was as a disco producer with songs like “Is It All Over My Face”, but that was far from the only thing he was into. He played cello and accompanied himself on songs he composed. He worked in disco, orchestral, pop and avant-garde music. Russell died in 1992 after a long battle with AIDS.

 

I spent all last night listening to Arthur Russell’s music and it sounds to me like what you could do in New York before Giuliani was elected mayor and Disney-fied everything up and made it expensive to live there. I read somewhere that three million people have moved out of New York since Michael Bloomberg took over as mayor. I believe it. What this has to do with Arthur Russell is beyond me. I feel like a guy like this thriving creatively in present-day New York wouldn’t make it.

 

I saw pictures of Russell and thought he looked like a present-day hipster. A trucker hat, t-shirt and a cello he wielded like a youngster might a skateboard. You forget that’s what the kids are going for now. What a drag. I just found out. He wasn’t one thing, or one genre. He went as far out as he could, into any direction he could.

 

Somebody play this song from LCD Soundsystem and punch him in the throat for me.