Archive for July, 2012

Bring Your Gay Ass To Zaxby’s

July 27th, 2012

An open letter from the C.O.O. of Zaxby’s.

 

 

To whom it may concern,

 

Recently, legitimate and social media has been flooded with furor over comments by a top executive at one of our competitors in the fast-food chicken restaurant business over the rights and privileges (or lack thereof) of a minority of the American public. Rather than name the executive or the restaurant chain he helms, I would like to take this opportunity to extend the right hand of good fellowship to all who enjoy tasty chicken meals without a hint of intolerance and bigotry.

 

Zaxby’s may be last alphabetically when it comes to chicken-based chain restaurants in North America but we strive to be first when it comes to indifference about the sexual identity and preference of our customer base. We are nonplussed about your gayness, bisexuality, lesbianism or transgenderedness. In fact, we are totally okay with it. Bring your gay ass down to Zaxby’s and try some chicken fingers with some fries and famous Zax sauce.

 

Likewise, feel free to bring your gay friends to sit in for a friendly meal in our inviting but whimsical atmosphere. We’ve got wacky stuff nailed to the wall. Put a pink triangle on one of the many sports jerseys we have hanging up. See if we notice!

 

Why are you wasting your time getting huffy-puffy because some guy from our competition doesn’t like you or want you to get married? Don’t protest at his restaurants. Your mouth might get parched and you’ll need to buy a drink and then you’ll end up buying a soda and giving them business anyway! Instead, come on over to Zaxby’s and kiss each other all you want! You won’t be able to stop kissing your partner’s hot lips once they’ve had the taste of some spicy buffalo chicken wings with hot honey mustard!

 

Hey, homos! Are you planning a big party with lots of shirtless dancing, drug abuse and a mysterious “darkroom”? Why not cater it with one of our Party Platterz ™? From the mix-it-yourself Zalad Bar ™ for the young twinks to the gym queens wanting to carb up with the Nibblerz Platter ™, we’ve got something for all occasions.

 

Zaxby’s has over 500 locations in the southeastern United States. We have developed our franchise in part to a vision that involves building consumer loyalty. We will not browbeat you for the choices you make in your personal life. You can take our Zax sauce home and pour it on each for all we care. Just bring your business to us and we will accept you with open arms. . . in a sense.

 

Pictured: aphrodisiac

 

However, if you have a diaper fetish, feel free to continue to patronize the other guys. That kind of stuff won’t fly at Zaxby’s.

Revisiting “The Best Of Vandenberg”

July 26th, 2012

When I was 12, Whitesnake was a very big deal in rock ‘n roll. They had a young hot-shot guitar player named Adrian Vandenberg. Before he joined Whitesnake, he had his own band called Vandenberg where he wrote and produced all the songs while playing sexy hot electric guitar leads. When I was in a store, I saw a cassette copy of The Best of Vandenberg and bought it because I thought, “oh, that’s the guy from Whitesnake.”

 

This proves two things that I should explain now:

  1. I was geeking out over music at an early age.
  2. I was perfectly capable of music geeking over freaking Whitesnake, of all people.

 

So I took home The Best of Vandenberg and only played it a few times. It did not impress me enough to warrant constant rotation. Right now it is probably in a box in my closet next to a bunch of well-worn tapes. So what caused me to think about it? Just some late night Wikipedia-ing about Whitesnake, which led to Adrian Vandenberg, which led to his eponymous band, which led to me looking up the album I bought, which led to finding out that AllMusicGuide gave it a FOUR-AND-A-HALF star review.

 

This album got 4 1/2 stars on AllMusic. Remember that.

 

Now I had to go back and re-listen to The Best Of Vandenberg. Thankfully, all the songs have been posted on Youtube. . . although I can’t understand why? Were they uploaded for a lark? Or is the AllMusic guy right and these songs better than I remember? Time to find out.

 

Before I go any further, I’d like to note that while Adrian Vandenberg wrote and played guitar on all the songs, the actual lead singer goes by the name of (drumroll) Bert Heerink. I want more rock frontmen to be named Bert. “Bert Heerink” is the least rock ‘n roll band name ever. “Bert Heerink” makes me so happy. I want to change my stage name to “Bert Heerink, the Younger”.

 

Onto the music. Bert Heerink sounds like a decent enough singer but has no personality or flair. Maybe it has something to do with him being Swedish or whatever he is. He sounds great for English-as-a-second-language.

 

The first track, “Your Love Is In Vain”, is the best track. It was neat how they raised the key of the song near the end. It was not neat how the second song, “Nothing To Lose”, did the same thing. It was disappointing to me (as a child) that this was not a cover of the Kiss song “Nothing To Lose”, but an original composition.

 

“Wait” has this line in the refrain: “Wait, wait, wait/til the shit hits the fan.” I like that. There’s some pseudo-Spanish guitar intro on here. I don’t care one way or another about that.

 

DID YOU KNOW: Vandenberg’s second studio album, Heading For A Storm, has a cover that depicts three sharks floating down a desert highway. I love that.

 

“Burning Heart” was a Top 40 hit in the US. It’s a power ballad. It sounds like it belongs in a soundtrack to a shitty Hollywood film about sexy things that happen at a summer camp. I’m listening to “Welcome To The Club” and picturing Ogre saying “Nerds?”

 

“Prelude Mortale” is a thirty-six second acoustic guitar bit. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoehorn it into another song. It was fine if you like guitar pieces that end before you can start to enjoy them.

 

“Alibi” wants to be Def Leppard so badly it gnawed an arm off. Adrian Vandenberg should be punched in the face for stealing “Photograph”. Also he stole my money. Are you happy, Vandenberg? You and your asshole friend Bert stole money from my twelve-year-old hands.

 

“Different Worlds” actually had a video made for it. The song is a power ballad, and as far as power ballads go, seems nicer than the bigger hit “Burning Heart”. I don’t know if it’s good or not, though. Adrian “Child Robber” Vandenberg does his acoustic guitar solo in the middle while looking like both the main guys in Spinal Tap.

 

 

There’s a song called “Rock On” that was so great I don’t remember what it sounded like at all even though I just listened it. When I was 12, I didn’t know that like eighteen people had played guitar in Whitesnake before Vandenberg did. This is the most anyone attention to these songs in years. “Pedal To The Metal” makes me wish I hadn’t done this re-listening. The top comment on the youtube video for this song (9 likes) is “yeah guys, real musicians, nothing like today!”

 

This album makes me want to listen to Justin Bieber and Lana Del Rey for a chaser.

 

The last song is called “Fighting Against The World”, which sounds like something a teen or Swede would come up with. They did their best to make these last few tracks sound like a Mutt Lange production. Couple the production with this song, which sounds like a Dennis DeYoung metal experiment. Song ends with what is supposed to be an explosion. Sounds like a firecracker in a bucket.

 

DID YOU KNOW: The cover of Vandenberg’s third album, Alibi, depicts an alligator bursting out of an Inca-like temple. This band had better album cover ideas than songs.

 

In summary, The Best Of Vandenberg had two or three songs I liked. I can’t say it’s poorly played or conceived except for the last few tracks which are embarrassingly derivative. This compilation is a personal reminder that my childhood was filled with disappointment. I blame Vandenberg and that half-wit vocalist Bert for that. MY CHILDHOOD INTUITION WAS RIGHT. DON’T GET IN THAT VAN WITH THOSE BIKER CLOWNS!

Coming to Nashville, August 27th

July 26th, 2012

 

Here’s something you need to know. Kentucky Prophet will be performing at the Mercy Lounge in Nashville on Monday, August 27th. This performance is part of the BG Invasion series brought to you by Starry Night Music Festival. The video is produced by Yellowberri. This will be the first time Kentucky Prophet has played the Mercy Lounge since October 2006, when I opened up for Frank Black.

 

This is a can’t miss show. More details to come.

Song of the day: “Just A Friend”

July 22nd, 2012

 

Sing this shit if it ever happened to you. YOOOOOO – GOT WHAT I NEED – BUT YOU SAY HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

 

Oh baby, you aint dead to me. But you couldn’t be honest so now you have to relegated to that zone of untrustworthy behavior. You exhibited it again and again and while I hoped we’d be more than friends, it’s obvious that we have to work hard at just being friends in the first place. Lesson learned, baby.

 

Girls go groupie for the wrong musicians. Remember that.

On Public Executions

July 20th, 2012

I assume you have heard about the Aurora movie theater shooting by now. What follows is nowhere near a rational statement, despite my presumption of a calm demeanor.

 

Sometimes you need to have a public execution.

 

That sounds completely insane and it is insane, that thing I just wrote. It sounds like the kind of thing people would say in the days of the Mayans and the Incas, or the days of the French Revolution, or 1936 when Rainey Bethea was the last public execution in the United States (in nearby Owensboro, Kentucky nonetheless).

 

I know the idea of reintroducing public execution is insane. But a part of me wants to scare anyone who ever entertains the idea of doing something like this man in Aurora, Colorado did executed on live television. You don’t have to hold a public hanging or stoning. Live televised lethal injection, on all channels at 12:01 AM in the morning.

 

Sounds completely extreme and loony. But a guy who opens heavy fire on a captive audience wanting to see the premiere of a movie, killing a dozen and wounding many more? Is this not the worst of the worst?

Freakout or Flakeout

July 20th, 2012

Before we get started, I want to say that the album is about 98% recorded. Apart from the odd keyboard or bass guitar line, everything is done and I couldn’t be happier. Not in regards to music, at least.

 

I don’t understand how certain people can worm their way into your life so much so that they’ve created an expectation before completely pulling away and detaching completely. Is this cryptic? I guess it is.

 

Someone I care about entered my life and became a very regular presence, such that I wanted, nay needed them in my life. Talking to each other regularly, usually on the Facebook. But right now that person has tuned out completely, for reasons I cannot know. I don’t know if I was the only one who was tuned out or if it was a whole crowd of people that were pushed away.

 

You know, the more I discuss this, the more vague I speak. I don’t mean to. This is frustrating for you to read as it is for me to write. I am missing someone really bad right now. They aren’t gone, they just aren’t there. Intentionally unavailable. Not returning phone calls or texts. Deleting social media accounts. And for what? To what end?

 

When you go away, you make it lonelier for me. I’m already lonely enough as it is. I sometimes feel like a prisoner who lost his best pen pal.

My attempt to enter the dance-rap market

July 19th, 2012

Last summer, in the doldrums of summer 2011 (aka “the dog days”) I snapped. My eardrums had been banged to death with the sound of Die Antwoord and LMFAO. I was hanging out with lame people a bad crowd and dance-rave-rap-pop was their music of choice. If I had only hung out with these people and no one else, I would have thought I need help this was the most popular music in the world. So I tried to make my own so I could be a star and have sex with drunk girls make some money.

 

I got far enough with this project that I wrote an album worth of songs. I had a beat sequencer and I had the shittiest lyrics I have ever written. I never had more fun writing bad lyrics than I had writing those.

 

Here are a few lines from a selection titled “Teenage Arson (We Blaize Treez)”:

I bust a nut with a Nat. Geographic

Naked bush bitches/gotta get the napkin

 

If I had written those earnestly, I could never go outside and look people in the face with any type of dignity. Even now I’m afraid someone will pick up my notebook and read those lyrics and think I meant it. Like my mother. Oh wouldn’t that be embarrassing, like these two lines from a song called “Burning Beenz”- by the way, I had a habit of intentional misspelling in this brief period.

 

Night music with some jailbait

Half and half for free is first rate

If there’s grass on the field, then you know that bitch will menstruate

 

Jeez, I’m glad this album never came out. By the way, I didn’t have to be gross and disgusting to write terrible lyrics. Witness these selection from “B.S. Party Muzik”:

 

This is the night, we in the club

The DJ burnin’ it up, playin’ dubstep. . .

I see you nerds, writing your words

Go blog about it, son. You are so gameless. . .

Football! Touchdown!

She’s gonna let me put it in her end zone. . .

I see you nerds, tryin’ to be indie and shit

Go home and tell your mama to give you a juice box.

 

The element of snobbery was a theme in these lyrics. Witness these lyrics from the song “Naked Bitches”.

 

You ugly girls get in the basement

With the broke dudes who aint got laid in a while. . .

You indie kids need to take an acid bath

Or kill yourself

Dont’t come over to my party with a frowny face.

 

Right now, you’re looking at the above “couplet” and thinking that none of that rhymed. And you would be right. Lack of rhymes and cadence were a big part of this unreleased album.

 

Some of the other songs I came up with included a track called “Uninstall MFs”, where the idea was to use uninstall program lingo as analogous to kicking losers out of a club. The description is way smarter here than it was in the song.

 

For some reason, I wrote a song for this titled “Molecular Integrity”. Still don’t know what it’s about but it has these lines:

. . . if I was a drunk bitch.

I’d have a shitty tattoo on my back

I’d be dating a guy named Bacon Bits

No bra shakin’ my pancake tits

 

This would have been the worst album of all time had it been released. Although how could it be that bad with a song like “Phone Tagg 4 Poon Tang”. I would quote those lyrics but they’re not very good. The title is actually better than the lyrics. The title is fantastic.

 

 

 

So Close To Finishing This Project

July 18th, 2012

I am an artist. Go ahead, scoff at that last sentence. You’ve earned it, cowpoke.

 

As an artist, I have a few short questions for myself when I’m working on a project (like the new Kentucky Prophet album). Here they are:

 

  • Is this terrible?
  • If this isn’t terrible, is it harmful to the culture?*
  • Really, this is such shit, isn’t it?

* (skip this question if you are working on a Hollywood blockbuster)

 

I hope that doesn’t require explanation.

 

I’m perilously close to having finished Kentucky Prophet Album 2012 tbd, previously known as Kentucky Prophet Album 2011 tbd, Kentucky Prophet Album 2010 tbd, and so forth. And this journey of recording has given me a lot of time to consider at least the first and third of those above questions.

 

Tomorrow, I go in to record vocals for the album. It will be the last sessions for this still-unnamed album. I keep going through potential album titles. Right now, the title du jour is . . . Attacks At 11. Watch this space for further development. And then the entire album will be compressed to 11 db. Rzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..

Another KP music update

July 16th, 2012

So here’s some relevant information in regards to actual Kentucky Prophet music that you may one day be able to hear. Last week, we had a recording session and cut drum tracks for six songs. Bearing that in mind, we are actually in the home stretch of finishing this album.

 

There are eleven songs that have been recorded for this album. All of them will probably end up on the album. Front to back, the total running time on the album will likely be about thirty-five minutes. It’s not a long album. I need to go re-record some fresh vocals on some songs before it’s done in the classic sense.

 

Also, I still don’t have an album title. I have several different ideas for album titles but don’t like any of them. It’s never too late for me to go with the self-titled route. No one does that any more.

I Think I’m Bummed Out

July 15th, 2012

I think I’m really bummed out lately. Or I’m supposed to be and I’m trying to ignore it. Does that make any sense? Does the body sometimes rebel against what the mind tamps down and pretends doesn’t exist?

 

For example, a few years ago I got panic attacks in the middle of the night despite not worrying about anything at that given time. They went through the familiar cycle of getting worse and worse, like a negative feedback loop. The first time it happened I thought I was having a heart attack, and it seemed likely given my health and weight.

 

The thing is, panic attack and heart attack symptoms come on the same. And I never had the big chest clutch so I guess I’m okay in that regard. The point being I did have a lot of stress in my life that I wasn’t dealing with. Not constructively or even destructively. I wasn’t dealing with it at all. I just tried to push it down and ignore it, moving onward and forward.

 

At some point my body just rebelled against that behavior and had the panic attacks in spite of me. For some reason they always coincided with the holiday season. I was always in the comfort of my home, often as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep. What a horrible feeling and not be able to deal with it? If I had been alone in my house, I would have screamed. Alas, I didn’t want to frighten my poor grandfather and suffered in silence, toughing it out. Who knows if screaming would even help in that situation, besides any medical professional?

 

But I think I’m bummed out. Very much so. I don’t feel terribly depressed but I might be because of one significant factor. This week I haven’t beat off. Not a bit, not once. Just not interested. Or too apathetic? Who can tell? You watch, next week I’ll be in a real horrible mood and then I’ll be jacking it eight times a week.*

 

*If there are any women who like to watch that sort of thing, please drop a line in the comments section. We can make that happen. I won’t get any on you. Promise.