Archive for June, 2012

Always Stupid Things

June 24th, 2012

The drums for my album are going to be recorded on Tuesday but I won’t be there. It’s not that I don’t want to be there but I already made plans. I have floor seats for a taping of WWE Smackdown in Evansville, Indiana at the Ford Center. Tickets were bought a month ago. This drum session was set up last week. And I won’t be there.

 

I have no idea how the session will turn out without me. Songs have already been demoed to the point where they won’t get lost. But I feel like I oughta be there. And yet I’ve already made this plan. I spent $100 on two tickets. Which reminds me, I gotta get the other $50 from the guy who’s going with me.

 

Not to mention the Indianapolis nonsense in August. I really want to go and I think someone special is going to make the trip with me. I might have to pull a “Micronesia” and leave the band in the lurch for one night.

Euro 2012 Knockout Round Predictions!

June 19th, 2012

Let the record show that I only whiffed on two of the eight teams in the UEFA Euro 2012 Tournament. I was surprised to find that the Czechs and English made it through, no matter how much I harshed on them. Now we are down to the final eight, single-elimination knockout round. And I will make my predictions for these games.

 

  • Czech Republic vs. Portugal
  • Spain vs. France
  • Germany vs. Greece
  • England vs. Italy

Expect the fluke Czech run to end at the hands of the Portuguese, who only lost a close one to Germany in the group opener. France had a more competitive group stage than Spain (Croatia? Ireland?) and will be in the fighting shape to defeat them. Germany went undefeated in their stage and will look to prove that Greece isn’t the word. England came out swinging and will continue to do so against a limp Italian squad who played down to their competition.

 

  • Portugal vs. France
  • Germany vs. England

England’s run will come to an end against the Germans who will stomp through their defenses like their army attempted to do through Russia in 1944. I think we’ll see a rematch from group stages when Portugal dispatches of France.

 

Who will win in my projected Euro final of Portugal vs. Germany. Uhhh… 0-0 final again. Sorry.

A String Of Tweets For The Guy From Cracker

June 19th, 2012

David Lowery of Cracker wrote a thing that infuriated me. And this is how I responded on Twitter. To my knowledge, he doesn’t have a Twitter so I didn’t include an @. There is an @davidlowery but it’s not him. So some poor son of a gun got a torrent of hate he didn’t deserve from a lot of people.

 

If you find yourself compelled to find out just provoked this, you can find his blog online. I won’t link it. I don’t want to give him any more page views. I’m putting my response here because I want to post this in more than one forum for posterity.

 

  • David Lowery says that if more people had bought Vic Chestnut and Sparklehorse CDs, maybe they’d have more money and not killed themselves
  • Like there were lots more people clamoring for their music than who actually bought it.
  • Fewer consumers have attachment to music because there is too much of it. More new stuff all the time. We can stop now.
  • Music is like porn. We can actually stop making it as a whole for a few years if we want to. It’s not like we’d miss it.
  • There’s a bunch of stuff we haven’t heard yet that’s worth discovering. From years and decades past. And yet we crank it out like idiots.
  • Trust me, I’ve self-released eight albums (six of which I’m not completely embarrased by). Nobody needed any of it, but I needed to do it.
  • And I needed an audience to hear it. Did the small following I have/had support me? Yes, they have in their own way.
  • I can’t profess to know either Chestnut or Linkous at all, let alone like Lowery did. But to suggest that we as listeners let them down…
  • How asinine can you be? You wouldn’t accuse anyone close to them of letting them down. People who actually had an impact on their lives.
  • “Of the 75,000 albums released in 2010 only 2,000 sold more than 5,000 copies” HOW MANY OF THEM DO YOU WANT ME TO BUY, FUCKDICK?
  • “Recorded music revenue is down 64% since 1999.” GAS COST $1.10 A GALLON IN 1999. WHAT SHOULD I BUY? GAS FOR WORK OR NEW LANA DEL REY? HMM..
  • David Lowery basically spent 2500 words telling off a 21-year-old girl. Fuck him in his paternalistic face.
  • His opening sentence: “My intention here is not to shame you or embarrass you.” And yet there’s a dissertation to follow.
  • “I’ve been teaching… about the economics of the music business at U. of Georgia for the last two years.” YOU LOVE TO HEAR YOURSELF TALK.
  • If I had never released any of my work, a few people might have been disappointed. That’s no reason to inflict it on the greater whole.
  • I’m not going to beg people to buy my music. If they want to, great. If not, fine. BECAUSE MOST THINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MUSIC.
  • Car payment? Insurance? Water bill? Metro card? Getting a new smartphone? ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY/ANYONE’S MUSIC.
  • I have been downloading Cracker albums all day. Not even listening to them, just to be a prick.

 

 

 

How Hard Is It To Remember?

June 16th, 2012

I asked the band not to book a gig on August 18th. I wanted to go to Indianapolis that day to watch Chikara Pro Wrestling.

 

Four days later, Josh booked a show for August 18th for us. He simply forgot that I asked for August 18th, after he asked us what days we couldn’t do shows.

 

Why even bother mentioning anything then? How hard is it to remember? Or to look back and see. It bothers me. I cancelled my plans for August 18th because I tried to look on the sour grapes aspect of it all. Like I wouldn’t have to spend all that money on traveling to Indianapolis. I wouldn’t have to ride a bus to Indianapolis. I wouldn’t have to worry about accomodations. This is why I caved in and accepted the gig. It was easier than than the trip I had two months to plan for. So fuck it.

 

This is the kind of stuff I was looking forward to seeing in Indianapolis. Consider it a dream deferred. Sad face.

 

Make Your Own Flaming Lips Song Titles

June 14th, 2012

If you’ve listen to the Flaming Lips enough, you notice that the titles tend to have a common theme. Perhaps Wayne Coyne has his title preferences. I got bored on the Twitter and started making my own Flaming Lips titles. Before long I had enough for an album.

 

  • “An Egg Full Of Jesus Memories”
  • “Rainin’ Labia In The Sunlight”
  • “Aquarian Tricked-Out Suicide Blues. . . (or will the Captive become One with the Captor?)”
  • “Queer Human Vs. Ghost Portrayals”
  • “It’s An Ambulance Truckin’ A Pulsating Love-Fetus Over Ego Mountain”
  • “Light Of A Queer Superbug. . . Ovary In Aries’ Shadows”
  • “Waterbug Shootout In The Arch-Moon-Temple of God’s Queer Labial Sun”
  • “Frog Machine In Space: Silver Heroin Momentarily Extinguished By The French Robot Balloonists”
  • “Tripping On the Tail of a Plastic Jesus Squid on Christmas?? (special entry from Lara Kinne)

EURO 2012 Predictions!

June 7th, 2012

I know I’ve been gone for a week or so but that’s because I was researching for the UEFA Euro 2012 soccer tournament starting up tomorrow afternoon. Sixteen of Europe’s finest teams will vie for soccer supremacy in front of thousands and thousands of adoring fans shouting racist epithets and throwing bananas at the black guys on the pitch.

 

Euro 2012 works like a smaller-scale World Cup tourney, with a group stage before the winners and runners-up of the group stage head into the single-elimination knockout round. I have spent the previous week doing some research, listening to podcasts, jacking it to Romanian webcam girls and I am now ready to make my predictions for all phases of the tournament, including the winner.

 

Group A:

  • Poland (predicted winner)
  • Greece (predicted runner-up)
  • Russia
  • Czech Republic

 

This should be smooth sailing for Poland to break through to the knockout round, although you can’t count out the Greeks especially if they insist on being especially hairy sodomites. Russia will be looking to break through in this group if they can threaten game officials with castration, so be on the look for them. The Czechs are an inexperienced squad and will be the doormat. Be on the look out for Polish women, as their 7’s are the equivalent to a British 9 Polish forward Pawel Brozek.

 

Group B:

  • Netherlands
  • Denmark
  • Germany (predicted winner)
  • Portugal   (predicted runner-up)

 

Germany will be looking to dominate Group B, but they have a penchant for shitting themselves and then cumming immediately choking in the clutch. Portugal and Denmark will make this a compelling group unless Denmark can’t find that rotten thing everyone keeps talking about, but the Netherlands team (a normally strong contender for the Euro) is on its’ way down, especially if their top goalie Zuuut Krumphft can’t come back from his recent bout of spina bifida.

 

Group C:

  • Spain (predicted winner)
  • Italy  (predicted runner-up)
  • Ireland
  • Croatia

 

Practically a dead heat between traditional superpowers Spain and Italy. Their placement in the knockout round might come down to goal differential i.e., who can beat the shit out of Croatia by more goals. Ireland looks to shock. They won’t.

 

Group D:

  • Ukraine
  • Sweden (predicted runner-up)
  • France (predicted winner)
  • England

In my only true upset of the group round, I have the troubled England squad not having any flouride in their water losing out on the knockout stage. In their place, the Swedes will make an inspired run with a bold game strategy of naming all their players Olaf. Expect the Ukraine to shock the tournament with overt racial prejudice against the English in at least one game. France should advance to the next stage because we fuckin’ bailed them out of TWO WORLD WARS USA USA USA! easily.

 

The Knockout Stage (quarterfinals):

  • Poland vs. Portugal
  • Spain vs. Sweden
  • Germany vs. Greece
  • France vs. Italy

 

France and Italy damn you both we were so close to a completely alliterative quarterfinal will be the most intriguing matchup but I have to go with the French because it infuriates everyone. Germany will have no problem with the Greeks who will get shit caked in their back hair. Spain should have no difficulty against the Swedes, but I predict an upset as the Poles defeat Portugal because Poland is hosting the tournament and international soccer is fundamentally crooked.

 

The Knockout Stage (semifinals):

  • Poland vs. Spain
  • Germany vs. France

 

At some point, you get bored with the inevitability of the best European national teams coming together in the finals. You know it’s totally gonna be France vs. Spain. You know it couldn’t be anything else. Who are we kidding? Like being a baseball fan and rooting for that wild-card team to make a big run, but NOPE, it’s Yankees vs. Cardinals one more time. Because that’s the way the cookie crumbles in sports and life. Life sucks. And France will play Spain in the finals of the Euro 2012 tournament.

 

Final score: France 0 – 0 Spain.

 

That’s it. No penalty kicks. No extra time. Just a scoreless tie. No winner in the end. No national pride. It’s over for you. Your life ends in a shambles. America is the greatest country that God ever invented. Our country is too awesome for such a shabby sport. We got the NBA finals going on, and you want us to watch you kick the ball around at 11 in the morning? Go to hell, Europe. You go to hell and you fuck off. America is wonderful. We’re the fucking best. Amen.