An Open Letter To Meryl Streep

February 26th, 2012

Dear Meryl,

I don’t need to tell you what a legendary figure you are in the world of cinema. You have three Oscars and eight Golden Globes, perhaps the most decorated actress in modern movie history. You’re on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame, you’re a Kennedy Center Honoree. You have played iconic characters from Kramer vs. Kramer all the way to The Iron Lady. You were the Devil who wore Prada and you were awesome as Julia Child in a shitty movie about some modern chick who tries to learn how to cook. Silkwood. I mean, Silkwood. C’mon.

 

But you have never done a porn film. Listen to me, don’t click away. . . YOU HAVE NEVER DONE A HARDCORE SEX SCENE IN THE CHARACTER OF JULIA CHILD!

 

It’s not too late, Meryl. You’re sixty-two. You’ve continued to create great work where so many actresses have been dumped into the trash pile. It’s a double-standard, Hollywood and life in general. Men age gracefully and continue to get work and women can’t get good work on screen after they lose their white hotness. It’s not fair but you beat the system because you’re good. You’re so good at what you do that you’re practically untouchable. And I think that your career would not at all be damaged by doing a HARDCORE INTERRACIAL SEX SCENE WHILE IN THE CHARACTER OF JULIA CHILD.

 

Spread-eagled? Awww yeah!

 

Let’s be honest. Julia Child deserves a biopic, not the “Julie and Julia” crap that Hollywood tried to sell us. You nailed Julia Child. Like a boss, like Rick Ross even (he’s a rapper, that’s a cultural reference, ignore it ma’am). And now it’s time for a full feature about Julia Child.

 

I carry a mallet 'cause I love to bang!

 

But there should be one scene where Julia Child has sex. You can even keep most of your clothes on. I just think it would be funny and awesome if you whinnied like a horse while getting drilled, some guy hunched over you while on all fours. Let’s keep it artistic, for the squares.

 

Should you decide (and you won’t) that this is worth exploring, please do not ask Penny Marshall to direct.

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