Archive for January, 2012

The Creepiest Thing Ever Said To Me

January 30th, 2012

You might not believe this but the creepiest thing ever said to me was not said to me by a crazy person in a Carl’s Jr who ranted to himself about a conspiracy theory about Eminem and Elvis Presley way back in 2002.

 

Nor was the creepiest thing ever told to me not a request for gas money from a street person outside Third Street Dive at a Technology Vs. Horse/ Ultra Pulverize show in ’08 or ’09 or thereabouts. It wasn’t the request for gas money but the addendum “I’ll do something” that gave me the shivers. She appeared to have a full set of teeth but those can be bought can’t they?

 

Nope the all time creepiest thing said to me came from the mouth of a sweet young babe in Louisville, Kentucky at Za’s Pizza around 2 am just as I was packing my gear up after another in a long line of great Kentucky Prophet performances. The year might have been 2007, or 2006. I can’t remember. Either way, J. Glenn had set the show up and played on the bill as well. But I went on last because who knows why?

 

Anyway, as I sat there gathering my stuff, two cute little girls came up to me. And they were cute. And young. And adorable. And one of them said something to me that I have yet to forget. . .

 

“I’m only fourteen but will you sign my butt?”

 

You’re wondering if I signed her butt? NO! SHE WAS FOURTEEN YEARS OLD! Or at least that’s what she told me. I met her many years later and she confessed that at the time she asked me that question she had really been two years older. Which would have made the decision only a microfraction harder to answer. Either way, I looked around Za’s as if I victim of a prank show.

 

In the end, I compromised and offered to sign the bottom of her pantleg. She didn’t elaborated on whether she wanted me to sign the butt of her jeans or. . . you know, let’s just end this right here.

Jury Duty Relief

January 19th, 2012

In case you don’t know I was selected for jury duty. Last Friday I went to check in for my first day where they gave me a list of dates I might have to attend between now and the end of March. About twelve dates but one of them falls on March 26th, my birthday. Times like these I should have lied my way out of the thing.

Anyway, the deal is I’m supposed to call the special number the night before a court date and find out whether they want me there the next morning or not. Sounds pretty annoying, doesn’t it? I understand I had to check in and whatnot, but they couldn’t just parse the jury pool and have each of us appear in so and so a place at so and so a time?

Anyway, I looked at the front page of my county paper today and what do they have there but two stories about dates set for murder trials. One murder in ’09, one in ’10 and they are finally getting around to it. But I was quite scared because I didn’t want to serve on a murder trial. What with grisly crime scene photos and all that? No way. Give me a nice civil trial instead, please.

Anyway, they teased the hell out of these court dates and the first one takes place in May. To which I celebrated like the Cubs won the pennant because at least it didn’t take place in my term. The next one took place in August and I celebrated again.

Then I felt ridiculous.

 

The Nine Lives Of Hulkamania

January 17th, 2012

Nothin' can kill Hulkamania, brother...except Hulk Hogan.

 

No Holds Barred (1989) –  This movie sucked and couldn’t even be fun. Then he wrestled the bad guy in the movie (Zeus) for real and that was worse.

End of 1992 Royal Rumble – The last three in the ring were Hogan, Sid Justice and Ric Flair. Sid threw Hogan out, then Hogan grabbed Sid by the arm and that allowed Flair to win the match. This led to the program where Sid and Hogan battled at Wrestlemania 8. Somehow we were led to believe that Hogan should be the good guy even though the Royal Rumble was a battle royal where every man for himself. The fans cheered when Hogan was thrown out, and cheered even louder when the heel Flair won.

Winning the title at Wrestlemania 9 – This should not have happened because the main event was Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna for the WWF World Title. Yoko beat Bret to win the title, then Hogan came out to save the day and challenge him and beat him for the belt in twenty seconds. Hogan had wrestled in a tag match earlier in the night but this was the first obvious signs of backstage politics on Hogan’s part.

Testifing in the 1994 McMahon steroid trial – Hogan was star witness in a trial that alleged that WWF promoter Vince McMahon sold and pushed steroids on his talents. Hogan admitted to doing steroids (shock) since 1976 but hadn’t been coaxed to or sold steroids by McMahon. Growing disillusionment about a childhood hero.

End of Starrcade 1997 match with Sting – (from 12/29/1997 edition of the Wrestling Observer) At this point the plan was for Nick Patrick to deliver a fast count and have Sting kick out before three, but Patrick would rule it a pin, leading to Bret Hart. . . getting the match restarted and taking over as the ref leading to Sting winning with the scorpion submission in the middle. A funny thing happened. Patrick didn’t count fast. . . You can mistime a ref bump. You can blow a move. But how do you blow a fast count? The only reasonable answer is that Hogan changed the spot in the ring and Patrick didn’t want to cross Hogan because of all the power that he wields.

Fingerpoke of Doom – Picture this: You’ve sold out the Georgia Dome. Nash vs. Hogan for the WCW World Title. Hogan pokes Nash, Nash flops, Hogan pins him to win the title, they both have a mocking celebration in front of an irate audience.

Bash At The Beach 2000 – Hogan’s creative control backfires on him. Hogan is supposed to beat Jeff Jarrett for the WCW World Title. Jarrett literally lays down for him, making the Fingerpoke of Doom resemble actual competition. WCW booker Vince Russo fires him later in the broadcast.

Hogan Knows Best – Behind the scenes with Hulk Hogan and his annoying family. See his shrew of a wife, his tin-eared singer of a daughter and twink son. Hate your life. Hate their life even more.

Joining TNA – It wasn’t that he joined TNA Wrestling. He took over, despite not having experience as anything but a star. Not a creative person or booker. He cast a major shadow over that company and far from producing results has left it just as bad as it was before he got there, if not worse.

A Joke From Mick Foley

January 11th, 2012

First, he was a champion WWE wrestler, then he was a NY Times best selling author, and now he’s a budding standup comedian. Mick Foley, aka Cactus Jack, aka Mankind, aka the Hardcore Legend began his ascent to comedic superstardom last year. Foley, who has had at least eight concussions in his wrestling career (and three more in his writing) has even sold out a English tour last year, and will likely do so again in the near future.

 

To be fair, you should know what you’re getting into when you buy a ticket to watch standup comedy performed by a man who has had eight legitimate concussions. So I’ve decided to share with you Foley’s opener. I know it’s not good for one creative person to give out another’s trade secret but I believe in letting the buyer beware.

 

And now, the joke. . .

 

Foley: Knock, knock.

Audience: Who’s there?

Foley: What?

Audience: What who?

Foley:. . .where am I. . .

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was covered in my blood! BANG BANG

A Voicemail From Ving Rhames

January 9th, 2012

Since I last posted, a lot of things have been going on. I had a few gigs with the band, I celebrated NYE with some friends, and generally had thoughts too long and tedious to blog or tweet about. I don’t tweet from a wireless device, and you should be thankful for that. Or I should, because it’s my phone bill.

 

Speaking of phone bill, I got a call from a strange number the other day and as I tend to think these strange numbers belong to creditors I let the call go to voicemail. When I checked it a few minutes later, it was not a creditor who had called. If only. No, it was none other than a man who sounded suspiciously like Hollywood actor Ving Rhames.

 

Now, I can’t confirm that it was Ving Rhames who indeed called me, but I have to assume I was a wrong number because the contents of that voicemail message don’t seem to be made for me specifically. . .

 

. . . Baby. It’s ya man, here. It’s kinda late. I’ve been thinking about ya. . . thinking ’bout. . . all the things we could be doing right now. I’ve been missin’ you baaaaadd, you know? Been a long mothafuckin’ time since I seen you. You know how it is. . .

 

Anyway, I got two choices here on what I’m gonna do tonight and the choice. . . depends largely on what you decide. See, there aint nothin’ I’d rather do to than to be with you tonight. Holding you tight in my arms, smelling your hair. . . feeling on them titties, getting all up in that ass, that’s what I want to be doing, you know what I’m saying? I’m a little high right now. Not too high, but. . .

 

Anyway, it’s up to you, girl. You decide how you want the night to go. It’s up to you whether I’m spending tonight. . . in your arms, holding you, feeling you up. . . or whether I’m gonna be here, rubbing one of them Care Bears against my dick ’til I cum, you know what I’m saying?

 

Look, if I had to choose, I’d rather spend the night with you. But I can’t choose for you, and I can’t trick ya. It’s up to you. I’m leaving my fate in your fuckin’ hands, whether I spend it with you or whether I’m gonna be wiping cum off my chest with a mothafuckin’ Care Bear off to the side.

 

Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody except Cheer Bear.

 

I had a little too much cough syrup, but I’m good to go. Just get a hold of me, but you aint got all mothafuckin’ night. You hear me?


(off-phone) Where the mothafuckin’ Care Bears at?

A Boy Named Nostalgia

January 1st, 2012

  • Here is a strange bit that was brought to my attention a few hours ago. This is a video for a song I did in 2000, “A Boy Named Nostalgia”, under my pre-Prophet pseudonym, Mr. Neutron. The video was edited together, directed if you will, by Ken Cravens.
  • The video was cobbled together from a student film that Ken shot, and a reference tape that I used for a music video/student film that I shot. We were working on our projects at the same time, hence the continuity with the mylar/foil in the background.
  • I once shot a video for “A Boy Named Nostalgia”. That is not this video. This is the videotape that I shot in order to use for reference. Allow me to explain: since my student project was a film project, I needed a videotape track to link up the audio for the song with the visual of the film. Film doesn’t record audio, but video does and we ran the film camera and the video camera next to it so I could edit it together in a nice package. I’m sorry for the brief tutorial on video and film.