Archive for May, 2011

You Can’t Be Helped: Hiding Condoms

May 31st, 2011

April Miller decided to post this on Yahoo Answers:

 

i had the genius idea to use an x-acto knife and cut a small hole in the wall behind a shelf and put a box around a foot to one side… but would i ever get a chance to do that? probably not. so any ideas where to hide them? my mother is very suspicious and such so she will search every where given. im going to do this no matter what people say so please no crap about being too young and stuff. thx if u can help! difficult to find a good category for this so i went with the same one as a similar question.

 

You must be crazy, April Miller, if you think you can just hide condoms in the walls and not have them snacked on by ants, mice and termites. I salute you on your preference for using condoms. I would also say that you should try to have a dialogue with your mother, no matter how awkward and volatile, about your needs in terms of protection.

 

I’m not going to tell you where to hide your condoms because that’s just stupid. If you hide them in the lamp, they’ll melt from the hot bulb. I would tell you that you and your mom are just going to have to deal with this and talk about it so you don’t make the same mistake she clearly made.  Because you are not a smart person, April Miller.

 

I forgot about roaches. Oh, that sounds great. I’m a dude who’s so horny he’ll strap on a jimmy-hat that’s been stepped on by a thousand roaches. No I’m not and no man or boy is. I’d rather go raw and risk getting a girl pregnant than put on a condom that has roach eggs in it. Right.

Technology Vs. Horse + Kickstarter

May 31st, 2011

Okay, kids. Here’s the announcement that I’ve been holding onto for weeks.

 

Technology Vs. Horse is trying to fund the making of a 7″ single. We need your help! You are our fans! Does this make sense to you?

 

We have offered this wonderful deal to you, where you can donate and get something in return. And the more you donate, the more you get.

 

For example, if you donate $5 you will get the digital download of the single in question. A $10 donation will get you the actual vinyl single in question as well as the digital download. $25 will get you a t-shirt in addition to all other stuff I just mentioned. Mo money, mo stuff in return. You know the drill.

 

We aim to raise $500 by June 30th. This will largely depend on you, because it’s your money. I see we have over 630 fans on FB which is great. Quite a few of you are vinyl lovers so this deal will be great for you. Come one, come all.

 

Link below, just click it:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/359630627/technology-vs-horse-7-single

Song Of The Day: “Butterflies”

May 30th, 2011

 

Today’s song of the day is “Butterflies” by Michael Jackson. Never mind that I’m posting this at 3:30 in the morning. It’s the song of the day. Shut your face.

 

I listened to this song about a month after MJ kicked and that’s when I finally started to miss the guy. Then I played a video of the Jackson 5 performing “Dancing Machine” where MJ does the robot. It was unbelievable to watch. A young master. One demented freak of a genius. That was it.

I’d Rather Not Hurt

May 29th, 2011

The old pain is coming back to me. The hobbling pain in the lower back and the hips. I don’t like it.

 

For years I slept and ate because anything else just hurt too much. I can’t do that anymore. I should never have done it in the first place. Physical therapy was of little help. They gave me a list of exercises to do and I felt like a silly every time I did them, which was few. They put me on a treadmill and had me pulling a lever down and then they’d put me on a long slab and throw a hot towel on my back.

 

The hot towel feels nice for about ten seconds before getting hotter and hotter and feeling like the skin is cooked. I think something is wrong with my back or the muscles in my back. Did you know that those back muscles need to be exercised regularly or they’ll grow flabby and fail on you? They do, they certainly do.

 

I probably need to work on my back some more so it doesn’t fail on me again. Usually at least twice a year, there’s a back-spasm/sprain/pull sort of thing that keeps me laid up for a week or more. Thus far in 2011, I’ve done well. Nearly half the way through and no such incidents.

 

I think something’s really wrong in my back and no x-ray ever caught it. I need to lose a lot of weight so the source of the pain will become obvious. All this fat in my midsection is getting in the way of the x-rays. Call me superstitious.

 

I go for blood work on June 7th. I haven’t weighed myself since December. I have too much weight to lose to do a regular weigh-in. If I had to lose ten or twenty pounds, I’d check it once a week or more. But not now. There’s so much farther to go.

The fun of an unclear browser history

May 27th, 2011

I don’t clear out my browser history very often, unless something is wrong with the computer. Is it worth clearing out all those cookies just to have to click “need a new password”? I don’t think so.

 

But here’s what is cute: since I haven’t cleared it, my subject line in Gmail has a bunch of strange, context-less quotes. Just hit a letter and something I typed at some point will be in there. Most of these things I typed weren’t even done in Gmail, but rather as a reply to someone else on a message board.

 

So without further ado, here is a list of things that I typed free from context. By themselves, they amuse me. Enjoy, folks. All entries sic’d

 

At least the field’s smaller in indoor football

A customer threatened to put me through a plate-glass window

Admire my above-average cock

and yet you hate. . . on one world government

Bikini chicks apartment wrestling. Let’s talk about it.

Brazil is a better country than ours.

Can’t fap without post-surgery pics, you KNOW this

dirty undies are worth more

Feline AIDS patient #0 was a male flight attendant

holding pattern, ya’ll, holding pattern

How old was the girl on that tape again?

I know some girls work out on the pole, but do strippers practice?

I thought he had some bulldyke racist dancing for him

I’m a depraved pervert and I don’t care what color your eyes are

Listen, I have had a hate-rash for Fallon forever…

My next single will be a reggae jam just to spite you.

naw, but he has the ugliest pituitary gland of all time

Question: could he be killed by a throw pillow

she used to put mangy cats in a head-scissors

That RealDoll looks stoned

They smell like a recipe from assonfire.smell

We’re not fucking, dude. She’s is making out with another chick.

What’d albanians do to you? I’m just wondering

Wow, I can masturbate while thinking about Amy Fisher?

You see mind control, I see losers trying to back a winner

Great Unknowable Remix Project

May 26th, 2011

So you were waiting for updates from me, huh? I’m sorry for keeping you but I’ve been busy. So busy in fact that I haven’t had time to indulge in this blog apart from the occasional picture of two Princess Leia’s in metal bikinis making out. I apologize, but my reasons are good and true.

 

You have been wondering about the new Technology Vs. Horse album, Potential Pleasure Device. Well, that is coming NEXT MONTH. We will hopefully offer a digital release as well as physical CD copy for sale. Also, there is high potential for a 7″ single of songs from the aforementioned TVH album. More on that at a later date.

 

You have also been wondering about Kentucky Prophet Album tbd 2011. Well, I wanted to come to you with signs of progress but alas there are none. Part of this is due to logistical improbability. Part of this is that a can’t-miss opportunity came my way, so can’t miss that I can’t talk about for fear of jinxing it. I will say this much: it involves a remix. It is a great opportunity and I have pushed KYP2011TBD aside so I can concentrate on Great Unknowable Remix Opportunity. I will mention that there is a bit of a deadline and this has put me in a spot so I have to get this stuff done or else it will become a great Lost opportunity with unknowable rewards. And folks, that CANNOT happen.

 

There will be more information later. I promise, it’s good stuff. A handful of people already know, and that’s enough. Good tidings ahead for the po’boy. Be happy for me. I know I’m trying to.

Nerdboner II

May 22nd, 2011

Normally, you'd have to find a bad drawing of this sort of thing.

“They’ll Kill Us” Live Video

May 19th, 2011

 

Here is the performance of “They’ll Kill Us” we did at Mayhem last month. This video would not have been possible without the efforts of Yellowberri who shot and edited it. Thanks a lot to them and you can find out more about Mayhem in this month’s Skye Magazine

You Should Be Famous

May 18th, 2011

You should be famous, or more popular or something. You’re so talented and refreshing to watch on stage. I can’t believe you’re still not famous. You should totally be on TV.

 

No I fucking shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be famous so a million assholes can catcall me on Twitter and use my Youtube videos to talk about Obama and call me Humpty Dumpty or a jellybean with limbs. There is not enough money in the world.

 

Once upon a time,  I wanted to be a STAH. Not even a star, but a STAH like in the old timey tradition. That was a long time ago. Not anymore.

 

What happened? Well, first there was the Internet fame, the cruelest fame of all. Are you a fat kid who fell down and cried or a grown man who cried over pro wrestling while giving a speech? Did you shoot yourself in the foot or fail to execute a roundhouse kick and fall in a shitpile? You might be on camera and now over a million people are laughing at your expense. I never thought “America’s Funniest Home Videos” would be any sort of prophet, but it has. And people don’t even win a prize.

 

Also, can you imagine what it’s like to be a famous person? I wouldn’t want girl I fucked to sell their story to TMZ about how small my dick is or how big my ballsack is or how long it took me to come or whether my bush is groomed or not? Or they leak out some sext I sent them, something stupid like “Put the petroleum on, it’s boner time!” or worse.

 

I should not be famous so I don’t have to have my picture taken every time I leave the house. Not only that, but being criticized for my bummy ass clothes on blogs and shit. I dress like a fucking dickhead. I don’t need everybody bothering me. And people making up lies and shit about me. Some bitch started a whole thing called “I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass”, self-published a book and tried to make a song about it. She didn’t get far, but the point is that this shit is out there. Complete utter fucking insipid lies that people push to scrape bacon off a celeb’s back.

 

It aint worth it, folks. Should I be recognized for my music? That’s not the argument and it never will be. That’s not what the game is about and it isn’t made for people like me or you.

One Listen Review: “Urgent/XVII

May 17th, 2011

R. Stevie Moore is posting his back catalog on Bandcamp and I suggest you check it out. With hundreds of self-recorded albums, he’s taking his Cassette Club online, and “Urgent/XVII” from 1980 is amongst the first of these re-released albums, relatively speaking. When dealing with hundreds of recording, the first dozen or so can be certainly classified as “the first”.

 

So what are we dealing with here? In one listen, I can hear scattered, experimental music, less song-based with copious amounts of musique concrete, snippets from Moore’s appearances on The Uncle Floyd Show, commercial radio spots for his music, then released through HP Music. But no record company great or small could handle the sheer tonnage of RSM’s collection, so many albums (this being one of them) fell through the cracks.

 

We’re not dealing with song-based music on this particular release. If you want that sort of thing, I heartily recommend “Clack” from the same era. For my two cents, this album gets stronger as it goes. More of an album to listen through rather than cherry pick faves from. Closer “Idiot Opium” is the catchiest thing on the record and even that has two minutes of stop-start weirdness at the beginning.

 

Two favorites on this set are back-to-back fourteen-minute epics, “Where Do I Come From?” and “Poverty XVII”. “Where Do I Come From” is more of a story song while “Poverty XVII” is an ambient track, seemingly formless, coasting on feel. “Do I Love You” is likely one of the few songs that anyone has heard for it as there is a video for it on Youtube. Musically, seems like a Clash-reggae pastiche.

 

Again, this will depend on what your preferences. If you want more song-based compositions, you can do better elsewhere in the Moore catalog. If you prefer looser experimentalism, then this might be worth checking out.

 

Link: “Urgent/XVII” Bandcamp