Archive for March, 2011

You’re So Hot

March 31st, 2011

You’re so hot, I wanna write a whole album of shitty songs about you.

 

You’re so hot, I’d kick my mother in the kneecap just to hold your hand.

 

You’re so hot, the only person I could not be jealous of for dating you would be Ron Mael.

 

You’re so hot, whenever I see you I put my fist in my mouth like Lenny & Squiggy.

 

You’re so hot, I pretend to get into the terrible music you like.

 

You’re so hot, you get hundreds of “likes” on Tumblr for some dumb picture you posted that everyone’s seen a hundred times already.

 

You’re so hot, you’ll get the benefit of the doubt no matter how stupid you are.

 

You’re so hot, I would sell your bathwater to gypsies.

 

You’re so hot, when you were born the doctor “ate out” your placenta.

 

You’re so hot, I’d put on a disguise and kidnap you. Then I’d tie you to the train-tracks and leave. Later, when a train came toward you, I would return undisguised and rescue you, causing you to hug me tight and profess your love and gratitude for me until the end of time.

 

You’re so hot, I’d stuff a turkey inside you and let it bake overnight.

 

You’re so hot, I want to kill your boyfriend.

Another Thing I Found Annoying

March 31st, 2011

The band Common Collective sang “The Star Spangled Banner” at the rollerderby bout in Louisville at Manslick Rollerdome last Saturday the 26th. Or some part of them did.

 

If you weren’t keeping up, last Saturday I called a bout in Louisville when the Derby City Roller Girls took on my Rollergirls of Southern Indiana. It did not end well and Derby City won 171-71. I should have known things were gonna go wrong from jump when I heard Common Collective attempt the national anthem.

 

The band consisted of a vocalist, drummer and bassist trying to jazz up our national anthem with a “Funky Drummer” type thing. The bassist was trying to keep up with the changes and the vocalist forgot some of the worlds. It reminded me of Randy Watson & Sexual Chocolate from Coming To America, except half of Sexual Chocolate failed to show up.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHRERLEM2eE

 

Look, if you’re in the Louisville area, they’re playing around. You may like them. I tried to listen to the songs on their website. Not my cup of tea, might be yours. The link is at the top with show dates posted. Whatever floats one’s boat.

Miley Cyrus vs. Rebecca Black

March 30th, 2011

WHO YA GOT?!!!

 

According to the Daily Telegraph out of Australia, where Cyrus is planning on touring later this summer.

 

No circus tricks, a few costume changes and a setlist influenced by shout-outs from the crowd – for a ticket price less than $100 – will be the key ingredients of her Gypsy Heart shows.

I don’t lip-sync. I would rather someone say I sang like crap than have people see me lip-sync,” she said ahead of her June 26 Acer Arena show.

Catapulted to fame off the back of Disney’s Hannah Montana, Cyrus slammed the overnight success of YouTube phenomenons such as Rebecca Black.

It should be harder to be an artist. You shouldn’t just be able to put a song on YouTube and go out on tour,” the daughter of country star Billy Ray Cyrus said.

 

You’ll notice that Cyrus doesn’t actually mention Black in the quote. This is still being posed by outlets as a Cyrus dis on, as the black guy in the song says, “R.B. – Rebecca Black.” Also, it’s far too easy, far too low-hanging a fruit to mention that Cyrus is the daughter of the worst singer of the 1990s, Billy Ray Cyrus and yet that was enough of a Hollywood connection to get her a TV show.

 

No, let’s talk about Miley Cyrus’s voice which sounds like gravel being digested by an orc while raping a dwarf. And it’s perfectly fine to say that since she says in the above quote that she’d rather be criticized as being a bad singer than being accused of faking it like Britney Spears in concert, in bed, in life. It’s acceptable to say her voice sounds like a minion of Wormtongue with a duckbilled-fist in it’s gaping ass. Miley Cyrus’ career is an atrocity and I hate it’s existence.

 

In a perfect world, Miley Cyrus would be doing meth in the trailer next door from me. Rebecca Black won’t be around nearly as long, and it’s no fun ripping a thirteen-year-old to shreds. Especially when every thirteen-year-old who ever existed wanted to be a rock star, even young Jesus.

 

You know how no one knows much about Jesus’ life between the ages of twelve and thirty? That’s when he was in his rock-star phase. I’ll blog about that some time later. Maybe right before Easter.

Make Anyone Fall In Love With You, Part 2

March 30th, 2011

Here is the second of eighty-five techniques laid out by Leil Lowndes, authoress of the book How To Make Anyone Fall In Love With You. I actually bought this book for someone as a birthday gift. She wanted it but I don’t think she needed it. I bought this for $3 as a lark and so far I’ve gotten soooooo much out of it. I’ve got all kinds of people falling in love with me. Men, women, winos, animals, vegetables, minerals, whatever. Everyone is in love with me these days.

 

Technique #2: Stay Psychologically “Fit To Kill“:

Big-game hunters lay bear traps even before they spot the bear. Fisherman cast nets long before the swarm swims their way. If you set your psychological trap the minute your feet hit the floor in the morning, chances are the next big one won’t get away.

– Lowndes, page 22

 

I have to mask my game face because people would get hardons if they saw it. Even the women.

March Comfort Madness: Final Four

March 30th, 2011

March is over tomorrow, which means that the March Madness: Comfort Edition will not end until April. This works, because the real NCAA finals will not be played until April 4th anyway. So we’re good on that front. And not unlike the basketball Final Four, our Final Four of Comfort has two high seeds facing off and two lower seeds in their own bracket.

 

#8 seed – Online Poker vs.

#5 seed – Television

 

 

Online Poker has had an excellent run, more than justifying its’ seed getting all the way to the semis. And yet there is no way Online Poker can possibly hold its’ own against Television, despite taking the hit of no Mad Men until 2012 at the earliest. Television stays strong, but I predict Online Poker will be stronger next year, especially if it consolidates with the rest of Online Gambling, like Colorado going to the Pac-10.

 

#3 seed – Scalp Massage vs.

#2 seed – Comfy Chair

 

Two high seeds here, and Scalp Massage is a rare and amazing comfort but it is not there often enough to combat the consistent excellence of second-seed Comfy Chair. Comfy Chair is always there if it’s broken.

 

So here we are, having stamped out the Final. Comfort Championship: Television vs. Comfy Chair. It almost seems like it was meant to be. They go so well together, who will win?

Several More Memes

March 30th, 2011

Here are some more memes. These are great way of generating content without any effort. Way to go, Meme Generator. Thank you Based Gods, wherever you are.

 

 

 

Let’s Talk About My Music For A Sec

March 30th, 2011

I was going to start recording my album this Saturday but I pushed it back three weeks. I did that, yes I did. Don’t worry, folks. Album release date is still t.b.d.

 

This gives me a few more weeks to write and perfect a few more new songs. I would prefer to use more new material for what will be the second full-length Kentucky Prophet album. I could go back into the old catalog of songs you haven’t heard but I’d rather not.

 

What’s happening now is a concept is developing with the lyrical themes of the new songs. Lyrics tend to be about relationships, agony, burning jealousy, anger, frustration, all in the area of love and wanting to be loved.

 

Here are some lyric snippets from Kentucky Prophet Album t.b.d. 2011:

 

You gotta pull some dick moves to get what you want

You need to throw him under to get what you need

 

Hey pretty darlin’, look at me, I’m living in your world

Admiring your curl and walkin’ on your concrete

Drive my car down your street, always marching on your beat

 

Women can see when I’ve got desperate eyes

Wide and jittery, barely keeping control

 

Normal love is so beautiful, it’s something I would frame on the wall

 

I will invest in all of your drama, I’ll follow your every whim

What kind of man do you want me to be?

I’ll become him.

 

You’re right to think that some or most of these lyrics are not emotionally healthy. Well, that’s why these are songs written on paper and not written on some poor girl’s front door in my blood.

Song Of The Night, Part 2

March 29th, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvQSR6O_Eeg

 

“The Windows Of The World”, as performed by Isaac Hayes and written/composed by Hal David and Burt Bacharach.

 

Some people seem to only remember that Isaac Hayes was the voice of Chef on South Park, threw a shit fit over that show making fun of Scientology (his religion), and then dying after a stroke. These people need to be educated. There was a lot more to Isaac Hayes between “Shaft” and Chef.

 

In college, I bought a double-cassette (!) set Live At The Sahara Tahoe. Two albums worth of Isaac Hayes and his Movement in concert. The best parts of that album could have been condensed to one cassette, and this performance was one of them. Isaac Hayes covering David/Bacharach? Not that odd, if you know your Ike. He did it often, and there is also a great version of “The Look Of Love” on that same live album. He also recorded these for studio albums, but this particular performance is one of my favorites. I forget about Chef, about Scientology, about all that stuff. None of it matters, just this music which is incredible. Musical miscegenation through the ages. It has often brought us some incredible music, and it is not as unlikely as people might think.

 

I think there are a few artists out there in mainstream popular music still trying to bring it all together and mix it up. Kanye West on one side, James Murphy on the other. ¬†We could always use more of that sort of thing. Otherwise, indie kids are gonna end up too sensitive to press down on the guitar strings and hip-hop kids are gonna have swollen testicles from putting their sacks in the microwave for extreme periods of time. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

 

Also, I only know realized the album was called Live At The Sahara Tahoe, and not the Sierra Tahoe. My bad, ten years plus.

Garbage Dick

March 29th, 2011

Promiscuous women have all the good epithets, right? Sluts, whores, hos, skanks, village bicycles, and many more I can’t be bothered to think up right now because I’m not mad right now.

 

Meanwhile, promiscuous men have what? Man-whore? Mimbos?

 

That’s not enough to suit me. We do plenty of slut-shaming in our culture but the men get a pass. Which is a shame because menfolk are capable of some wretched shit, yaknowwutimsayingyo? I mean, statutory rape levels of bad ju-ju and beyond. We gotta be able to lump these guys into some sort of lower-tier status, if we can’t lump them into being sex offenders or just lump them in the head with a pipe.

 

That’s when I came across this entry from Urban Dictionary.

 

Garbage dick is a name you call someone who will fuck anything with 2 legs and a pulse. He has no standards and it will be apparent after you see the nasty bitches that he’s hooked up with.

 

I like the term “garbage dick” mostly because of the connotations with “garbage”. Too many trash-can, no-condom, thirty-one years old fucking a 16-year-old-girl pieces of shit out there in the world. These are the true pigs in our gender and we must smash them with all speed. You probably know a few, you might even be one in which case I hope your dick explodes like a toilet roll with an m80 stuck in it.

 

Garbage dick motherfuckers.

My First-Look Script For Nicolas Cage

March 28th, 2011

Good news, folks. I have written a spec script for Nicolas Cage, widely known to be the worst actor of our time. He’s a crappy actor and I don’t write scripts so there’s that and we have a deal. He doesn’t have to pay me and doesn’t have to use it and I don’t have to put any effort into it AND I DIDN’T!

 

It was explained to me by a friend that Nic Cage continues to get work in Hollywood because he’s such a great box-office draw overseas. This explains a lot, and so I can’t offer much in the way of quality or effort. Especially effort. Because “effort” and “Nic Cage” don’t belong in the same sentence, except for this one.

 

Bearing that in mind, here’s a snippet from the script I did for Nic Cage. Working title is Captain Corelli’s Mandolin 2: Of Mice And Men-Dolin. Look forward to seeing this sometime around first quarter 2013.

 

INT. – CAPTAIN CORELLI’s sleeping quarters. The sun is creeping through the blinds. CAPTAIN CORELLI is asleep in his bed, covered by blankets and looking rather cozy. He is wearing a military-style beret which pokes out from under the covers.

 

A door opens, and in walks a giant MANDOLIN with arms and legs, carrying a breakfast tray complete with meal. MANDOLIN places the tray on the endtable next to the bed, raises the cover, and attempts to crawl into bed next to CAPTAIN in a spooning position. CAPTAIN is startled and wakes from his slumber and jumps out of bed.

 

CAPTAIN: Mandolin?! What the hell are you doing in here?

 

MANDOLIN: I made you breakfast in bed. I thought you would want to play me today.

 

CAPTAIN: Oh, Mandolin, it’s too early to play you. What time is it?

 

MANDOLIN: It’s nine-thirty in the morning. Why don’t you enjoy this breakfast I made for you. (attempts to get up to grab the tray and ends up spilling it all over itself)

 

MANDOLIN: Oh, no! I worked so hard on your breakfast. I was up all night.

 

CAPTAIN: Leave me alone. I wanna go back to sleep. (he crawls back into bed)

 

MANDOLIN: Oh, Captain Corelli. We haven’t spent a lot of time together recently. I thought we could have some quality time. (hugs CAPTAIN) I miss you!

 

CAPTAIN: (jumping out of bed, defensively) I need my space, mandolin! I don’t like doing anything anymore. Not since the war ended. Wait, what year is it?

 

MANDOLIN: It’s 1955!

 

CAPTAIN: Oh, no! Here! (fishes a dollar out of his pocket and hands it to Mandolin) Take this dollar and go to the Sam Goody’s and fetch me the latest Bo Diddley forty-five!

 

MANDOLIN: I don’t wanna!

 

CAPTAIN: Bitch you better go git that Bo Diddley record or I’m gonna bust you in the headstock.

 

MANDOLIN: (breaks down crying) It’s just that Bo Diddley songs don’t have any mandolin in them.

 

CAPTAIN: Yeah, well tough titty, Mandolin. I’m moving on with my life. I’m so rad. I’ve got a tiger by the tail and aint nobody gonna stop me now, ya heard? I’m full of hot sex and I like candy in the summertime. Excuse me one second…

 

(CAPTAIN CORELLI puts out a baggie filled with white powder, pours a bit out on his hand and snorts it. MANDOLIN continues weeping.)

 

MANDOLIN: Oh, Captain Corelli, why must you do that to yourself? I love you and I wish you would play me instead of taking that…

 

CAPTAIN: My what? My medicine? Are you saying it’s bad medicine, Mandolin? Are you saying I give love a bad name? Do you think I’m living in sin, livin’ on a prayer? Is that what the hell you’re saying?

 

MANDOLIN: Yes?

 

CAPTAIN: Well, fuck you mandolin!

 

(CAPTAIN jumps over the bed and begins punching the MANDOLIN repeatedly while MANDOLIN screams at him to stop. Finally, CAPTAIN pulls himself away and MANDOLIN lies on the ground weeping.)

 

CAPTAIN: Oh, Mandolin, I’m so sorry. You know I love you. (tries to be consoling) I don’t mean to be so angry and hateful. I’ve been going through so much stuff lately, what with the war being over and all and the year being 1955 and whatnot? I don’t know what to believe anymore. Don’t run away from me, Mandolin. I’ll treat you right from now. Somehow we will get through this, you and me, together.