March 22nd, 2017
I went to the store and stocked up on sugar-free Jello for tomorrow. Thursday is a liquid-only diet, and sugar-free Jello makes the cut. Around 4:30 Friday morning, my mother and I will trek on down to Bowling Green so I can get scoped by a doctor, who will be putting a camera down my throat. There will be anesthesia, which is why my mom is coming along to drive me back. I hope we get breakfast after because I’ll have to go at least thirty-two hours without solid food. Any meal will taste good after that. Gas station sausage biscuits never looks more like nectar of the gods after thirty-two hours without solids.
(Somebody should do a jingle to the tune of “Sugaree” by the Grateful Dead. “Shake it, take it sugar-free!” I’m telling you, you might sell a few dozen sugar-free items that way.)
(Not like the Dead needs more money.)
This is all part of the WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGE 2017. I’m getting treatment at a facility in Bowling Green and the plan is for me to eventually get bariatric surgery. I have to have weight checks once a month, take a few classes, meet a nutritionist, get a mental health evalution. If I do everything I’m supposed to do, I can be ready for surgery in August or September.
They’ve already made me drink barium and take x-rays of my chest and stomach. I drank it very fast through a straw. Have you ever had barium? They make you swallow a cup of crystals that make you want to burp and belch but you’re not supposed to and then they have you drink the barium. You have to not eat anything after midnight the day you come in, like if you’re doing blood work. I’m getting familiar with these processes.
I feel nervous about the idea of surgery. That there won’t be any going back after that. And my life will never be the same. And the relationships I had with food I won’t be able to have anymore. There are a lot of moments when I feel cold and scared. I am a cold, frightened neglected child just waiting for the terror to end.
Where did that come from? What was that just now?
I can’t develop thick skin. I’m losing layers of it one by one. Soon there will be nothing protecting me from the elements. Even my clothes will hurt to touch me. My shoulders will feel a chill I can’t explain. I will go to bed and wait for it all to blow over again but it comes daily, sometimes multiple times. The bad man is in the White House. Why couldn’t you people just make the bad man go away?