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My Depression Has Me

September 24th, 2016

That is the best way to describe our relationship. My depression has me. I am at its mercy.

 

The proper way of saying it is “I have depression” but that doesn’t feel right. Not when I have dealt with it nearly my entire life. Not when things look the way they look from my perspective. Get on my level. See it my way. Look at the situation through my eyes. Understand that depression is the owner and I am its’ pet.

 

Don’t focus on what you lack. Focus on what you do have. Stare at the absences, the gaps. The calendar that hasn’t been changed in over a year. It still reads April 2015 on the wall. You have a mess, you are a mess.

 

Things are changing, though. This is temporary. My time in Fordsville is running low. I’ll be moving to Whitesville soon enough. A lateral move is not a backward step. I don’t want to be in this trailer anymore. It’s a tribute to disarray and emptiness. I needed a brand new start two years ago. Sept 27th 2014 my grandfather passed away. I lived here with him for years. Took care of him when he needed me to. When he got too sick and frail to fend for himself. I would have done anything for him.

 

This is the final step. I get to finally let go of him. This is where we lived for so long and I’ll be leaving it behind. Leaving this chemical toilet town with it. I’m ready for life. I ready to fight the good fight. Where I’m no longer the bitch in my relationship to depression.

 

Tears will flow heavy for me. The final step in saying goodbye. You don’t have to move halfway around the world for fresh air.

420 x 69

September 24th, 2016

Another post where I talk about something I like. Usually when I start to like something I want to know all about it. How it started, where it came from. I try to digest everything I can, information-wise. But this is Lil Debbie we’re talking about. How much do I really want to know about Lil Debbie?

 

 

I kind of want to have sex with her but I also kind of want to have her life. Smokin’ the good stuff, drinking the cheap liquor, hanging out with all my cute girlfriends, shaking my ass on the beach not because the boys like it but because I LIKE TO SHAKE IT F.U.M.F.

 

Slow down, Mike. You’re being too aggro right now. Right now what you need is a California medical marijuana card. Life’s too short for bullshit, right? Why are we getting all caught up drama and bullshit and hate? If that’s the way you’re gonna be, then cut yourself out of my life because I’m all about love and peace and good times and getting that. . .

 

 

Sorry. Got distracted. BTW, if you’re into chicks who don’t have tats you are running out of chicks because I think most of them have at least one tat now. Even nuns probably have tramp stamps. All I’m saying is that tattoos better not be a dealbreaker or your dick will be as dry as a desert.

 

I know a little bit about Lil Debbie but I don’t want to know that much. I don’t want to know what she did before she was doing this. I don’t care about the backstory. She exists for right now. It’s termite art, baby. 420 multiplied by 69.

 

Some people go to strip clubs on a regular basis.

 

 

Love In The End Times

September 23rd, 2016

Just listened to The Family version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” and started tearing up. Because I’m in love with somebody. I’m crazy about somebody. And that’s a road I’d rather not go down. Not right now.

 

Lady Gaga bought Frank Zappa’s house. I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess it could be worse. Tipper Gore could have bought it. Or Jared Leto. I hate Jared Leto so much and I don’t have any good reason but if the news reported tomorrow that Jared Leto was trampled to death during a race riot, I’d dance a happy jig.

 

The other night I was all set to gorge myself on about twelve hours of live Japanese wrestling. That didn’t last long as the city of Charlotte engulfed in protest over police shooting an unarmed black man. A protest that got out of hand, or a riot, depending on who you ask. It was a horrible scene. One dead, many injured. Everybody on Twitter an instant expert. It took me out of the mood to watch fake fighting.

 

We are a people who have not learned the lessons of the past. Twenty-five years ago, LAPD cops beat Rodney King so badly he needed to be hospitalized. If it had not been for the quick thinking of a neighbor who shot the incident with his video camera, the world would never have known how brutal police treated the man who went to hospital with a fractured facial bone, broken right ankle, and multiple lacerations and bruises.

 

Immediately, cop defenders (usually white people) would say that Rodney King should not have been driving drunk. That he should not evaded the police and led them on a high-speed chase. That he had already been convicted and served time for robbing a store in 1989. And all of this is fair and true. But BUT they really fucked him up. Come on. They didn’t rough him up. They beat him savagely. For a long time. And were videotaped doing it. And then were found not guilty on all charges.

 

So fuck it. The cops can be videotaped beating a black man with batons and not get in trouble for it. What do you do? No kidding there was a riot. As if before NWA’s “Fuck The Police” nobody ever thought that. As if calling cops “pig” was a new thing. As if cops didn’t have an intimidation factor that gives people, innocent or not, the shakes. But the blacks will be blamed by whites for destroying their own community and the whites will be blamed for not getting the fucking point.

 

There are so many fucking racist goddamn white people out there. Proud-to-be-racist stupid fuckers. And they act like it’s a numbers game. Because if the white people get outnumbered by the blacks and Latinos then they’ll start working out on the whites for a change. What a goddamn embarrassment. There are people who are actually afraid that the white race will be eradicated.

 

Here are some thoughts about that. First, I don’t care. Second, that’s such a dumbfuck thing to be afraid of. Goes to show you how embarassingly stupid the cowardly racist tends to be. Third, the entire human race is up for grabs for numerous reasons. If you believe that the Zika virus is a threat, and if you believe that we are running out of clean water, and if you believe that the gas supply is running out. Combine the melting ice caps and the possibility of President Trump who wonders why we can’t just fire nukes at countries that make us mad. We’re talking borrowed time, folks.

 

This is a horrible time to be in love.

 

 

 

Tomorrow Belongs To Me

September 19th, 2016

 

Many books will be written about the 2016 presidential election. In that forthcoming mass of literature, hopefully something close to the truth will come out about how all of this came to be.

 

One thing is for certain and that is the Big Lie has been replaced by a Blizzard of Bullshit. The sheer amount of things Trump has lied about in this election cycle is staggering. What’s frightening is how little that seems to matter to his supporters. They are obstinate. They counterpunch on Hillary, her e-mails, her health, Benghazi. . . and only the most ardent of supporters (perhaps the Lena Dunham crowd) would say #ImWithHer unconditionally. I am realistic. No one in politics comes out of it clean. Trump isn’t even going in clean. Clinton has ice in her veins. She is a heavy-duty player.  A vote for Trump is a vote for total destabilization.

 

Can’t argue with Trump supporters. Might as well kick rain up a hillside. Now I have to talk to the Gary Johnson supporters. The Jill Stein supporters. Because unlike the Trump alt-right crowd, they aren’t instantly reflexive and lashing out. The problem with third-party presidential candidates is that the best they can do is play spoiler. Perot in 1992 and Nader in 2000 are the best examples. Third-party and independent candidates have done slightly better winning several seats in the US Senate and House and several state governor elections.

 

One of those was not Gary Johnson, who ran for Governor of New Mexico (and won) as a Republican. It’s fine that he became a Libertarian after all his success as a Republican (and a failed 2012 Presidential run as a Republican). Some people think its cool that he’s in favor of legalizing marijuana, but to be fair he’s the CEO of a medical marijuana firm so go figure he would think that. At best, he’s setting the table for a future Senator campaign on the Libertarian ticket. At worst, he’s grandstanding.

 

And Jill Stein? I don’t know anybody who’s thinking of voting for Jill Stein, but I’m sure they are out there. I don’t know what to tell you.

 

I want viable third and fourth party options as much as anyone. But they’re not going to be viable this way. A lot of fly-by-night third-parties have had their day in the sun. If you don’t believe me ask Ross Perot’s Reform Party. Third parties and independent candidates can do far more on a local level with coordinated effort than with what little resources they have spread thin on a nationwide campaign. The Libertarian Party has a $3 million budget for Johnson’s campaign. That’s roughly the same amount of money Donald Trump spends on toilet paper (horrible IBS).

Things Worth Liking

September 18th, 2016

 

Let’s get positive for a few minutes. Let’s talk about some things that make me happy. Things that are worth liking. Sunshine, lollipops and weirdness. The glory of love.

 

 

This cut off Lou Reed’s 1978 live album “Take No Prisoners”. The whole album he keeps interjecting asides, like he’s breaking the fourth wall on his own songs. It’s ridiculous. On “Walk On The Wild Side” the band plays for seventeen minutes and he barely covers the first third of the song. He does that on “Coney Island Baby” and it works better. The best part is the last few minutes when the band is surging to a climax and Lou sings so hard he’s unintelligible. Stallone-level elocution here. It’s beautiful.

 

 

We need to appreciate The Eric Andre Show while it’s still here. Four seasons of this show and it’s not only still on the air, it’s successful enough to merit a live nationwide tour. Eric Andre has a cult following of kids who want to “legalize ranch”, “bird up”, and “investigate 311”. The bread and butter of the show is the interviews with celebs, oblivious to what they are getting into end up in a psychological Gitmo TV production. If you’re lucky, you might get to see Kraft Punk, the cheese-helmeted suit-clad prankster.

 

 

Joanne The Scammer is my newest fave. Through Twitter and Superdeluxe, this character has become a cult figure. . . honestly, truly. Iconic. A messy bitch, problematic and proud of it. Combining shameless behavior with inspirational wisdom (“Only help women. Only scam men.”), Joanne is hilarious and reflects the unfairness of the world we live in. . . so get yours. You can be a beautiful Caucasian woman, too. Even if you are a black-latino male named Brendan. Especially such. Honestly. Truly.

 

 

Finally, we come to Scharpling and Wurster, the comedy duo behind “The Best Show”. This has been my favorite podcast of the last year or so. The Best Show was on WFMU from 2000 to 2013 then returned at the end of 2014 and has gotten stronger, with celebrity and musical guests, weird topics, host Tom Scharpling’s banter with callers both good and awful, and the chemistry he has with Jon Wurster who calls in as a variety of strange characters. I’ve included a clip of them together as a fine example, where Wurster calls as the obnoxious singer of a Nickelback-esque butt rock band touring corporate free festivals (“The Vanilla Coke Garden Party”, for one) doing a phone interview.

 

There’s four things I like. Four things you might also like. And I didn’t once mention wrestling. 

Donald Trump: Aided And Abetted

September 16th, 2016

First off, how dare Donald Trump ever accuse anybody else of being crooked? Really think about that for a minute. Because he enjoys throwing that “Crooked Hillary” meme like “Crooked” is Hillary Clinton’s actual first name. For once, please consider the fucking source.

 

I have a horrible feeling in my soul that Donald Trump is going to be elected President of these by-God United States. And there’s no way he should have ever gotten even this close to winning. So how did it happen? Was it big money donors? Was it the proud boy/alt-right/men’s rights movement that Trump latched onto and helped bring into the spotlight? Was it Fox News? It’s so easy to blame Fox News, isn’t it? It’s even tempting.

 

But seemingly the mainstream news and entertainment media has gone out of its way to coddle Donald Trump, to the point of practically aiding and abetting this creep in his presidential run. What might have once been a short-term carny scheme to swindle donors out of a few bucks has turned into a full-on nationwide panic attack. And for what? Because Trump is entertaining to cover?

 

I watched as NBC bent over for this guy three times in a week. the Today Show’s Matt Lauer hosted the first debate between Trump and Clinton. I can’t say he moderated it because that would imply he applied any pressure on either candidate. He was a stuffed shirt in a trumped-up role. Matt Lauer is not a journalist. He is a glorified infomercial host killing time Monday through Friday until Kathie Lee Gifford struts in to have a highball with her friend.

 

Then Trump appeared on the Dr. Oz show, which is shot in Rockefeller Center, home to NBC’s late night programming and news operation. Dr. Oz is syndicated and not a political show but I would expect him to press Trump on his physical fitness to be President. Nope, not even a little bit. Soft-pedaled right through it. One sham man gladhandling another. It was disgusting.

 

The most offensive was Trump’s appearance on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. The most-talked about aspect of this “interview” was Fallon mussing up Trump’s famous hair. Jimmy Fallon is barely even a talk-show host, mostly a guy who holds slumber party games for actors in lieu of actual conversation. But this was too much. This was normalizing Trump. Let us go over some of his quotes. Just Google “trump quotes” and there’s a neat little drop box featuring some of his greatest hits.

 

“They’re bringing in rapists, they’re bringing in crime, they’re rapists…”

“For many years, Mexico’s leaders have been taking advantage of the United States by using illegal immigration to export the crime and poverty in their own country…”

“I don’t want people coming in from the terror countries…”

“Don’t tell me it doesn’t work — torture works. Waterboarding is fine, but it’s not nearly tough enough.”

“…whether you like Saddam Hussein or not, he used to kill terrorists…

“If you had more guns, you’d have more protection because the right people would have the guns.”

“Opponents of gun rights try to come up with scary sounding phrases like ‘assault weapons’, ‘military-style weapons’ and ‘high-capacity magazines’ to confuse people”

“I’m going to instruct my Treasury secretary to label China a currency manipulator, which should have been done years ago…”

“I want surveillance and I don’t care, are you ready for this, are you ready…”

(on Muslims) “…have to cooperate with law enforcement and turn in the people who they know are bad.”

“Drug dealers and gang members are given a slap on the wrist and turned loose on the street. This needs to stop.”

 

These are a handful of the statements that in the past would shame someone out of running for office. Now the guy saying these things is one hair away from the highest office in the land. Why does this benefit NBC? Do they hope to introduce a new TV show called “The Celebrity White-House Apprentice” in 2017?

The Strangest Band On The Pop Charts

September 12th, 2016

 

Queen. What a strange band, right? How great were they? They were like the Beatles but way stranger and they couldn’t help it. They weren’t trying to be odd. The singer was a gay artist from a war-torn African country. The guitarist was an astronomer, the drummer was a dentist. The bass player was an electronics student who built the guitar player’s amp. The guitar player built his own guitar out of wood from a discarded fireplace. They totally were against using synthesizers for their first seven albums and then they went a total 180 on synths on album eight and stayed that way.

 

Every member of the band wrote hit songs. All four of them. Better than the Beatles. Imagine Ringo trying to come up with a hit. You can’t. Ringo couldn’t write a “Radio Ga Ga” let alone a “You’re My Best Friend” or “Another One Bites The Dust”. Imagine if the Beatles were John, Paul, George and other George on drums. That’s Queen when it comes to songwriting.

 

But they were weird as fuck. They were always weird and the fact that “Bohemian Rhapsody” is a universally beloved hit song and not a long forgotten failure mocked by critics shows that the world needs weirdness.

 

 

They played that live? How? How did they pull any of this shit off? What was life like in a world where people had an open mind to things like this?

 

Beaten With The 9/11 Stick

September 10th, 2016

I got an idea. Let’s put the Crying Jordan meme on pictures of 9/11 victims.

 

What? Poor taste? Bad idea? Sorry, gang. I was just spitballin’, considering what our options would be if we had 2016-esque meme culture in 2001 when the towers got hit by them planes and such. By now, most people on the Internet are tired of the Crying Jordan meme, which is not a controversial opinion.

 

But every September we have to deal with 9/11 look-backs, and this is the 15th anniversary of the attacks. Every year we get a dose of 9/11 coverage, but it’s bad especially on a good one like the 15th. The 20th will be insufferable, and the 25th year anniversary will be more so.

 

Maybe it won’t be for people who were born after 9/11, who didn’t know life before it. Maybe they won’t feel like they get hit with it every year because it’s not the new normal for them, but the normal they’ve always known. Life in a post-9/11 world, aka the only life. Are they lucky? I wouldn’t think so.

 

I’m old enough now that I can’t think about the world I was handed by previous generations any more. I have to start thinking about what kind of world I am leaving behind for the ones who come after me. And what does it mean to make the world a better place? What can I do?

 

I’ve been beaten with the 9/11 stick every year for the last 15 years since it happened. I would like to forget it but the media wants to stick it in our faces like we’re a dog that messed in the carpet. It’s almost as if they get off on the anguish of the survivors, the cries of those in the towers soon to fall. What do you get the man who has everything? Control and manipulation.

 

If Donald Trump somehow wins this election in November, we really should consider dragging the mainstream media out and kick the shit out of them.

 

My Sweet Lord/Today Is A Killer

September 7th, 2016

 

Today is a killer.

 

I maintain that there is a God. A vindictive, petty God. He has made us in His image. He will shit on us. And the only thing you can do is climb out of bed and raise both middle fingers in the sky in defiance of Him. You have to tell Him to go fuck Himself. Because He will make your life as hellish as possible.

 

Being yourself will put you in a lonely place, especially if you are not like the others. You want to give love to people. You want to be loved in return. When you are not like the others, it will make you strong or it will make you whimper. Regardless, you will be rendered bitter and lonely.

 

People who sing to God sing because they need God. They don’t sing for the people in the pews. They do it for themselves. “God knows I need to see you but it takes so long my Lord. . . but everything today is a killer.”

 

And God reassured his flock, the flock that he pranked and trolled and tortured for ages, and he sayeth unto them “I will be there for you when everybody else is gone.” And sadly, many people believed that shit.

Worst NFL Owners

September 6th, 2016

A partial list of NFL owners ranging from “total asshole” to “criminally evil”.

 

Stan Kroenke (L.A. Rams) – moved the Rams from St. Louis even after the city gave funds to finance stadium upgrades. The city (and the State of Missouri) is still paying that off. Like he’s missing meals to keep the team going.

 

Jim Irsay (Indianapolis Colts) – Whines to the NFL rules committee and the commissioner whenever his team loses to the Patriots in the playoffs. Totally pilled out. Buys expensive rock memorabilia. Douchebag. His dad moved the team from Baltimore in the middle of the night in 1984 like a dad going out for smokes.

 

Woody Johnson (N.Y. Jets) – Used a sham tax shelter to dodge paying $300 mil to the US Treasury. Also tough loved his bisexual daughter Casey for not getting treatment for mental health and drug issues. How’d that work out? Not well. She died.

 

Stephen Ross (Miami Dolphins) – Bought the team in 2009. Threatened to move the team if he didn’t get public money for a stadium upgrade but he failed.

 

Jed York (San Francisco 49ers) – Ran a very good coach (Jim Harbaugh) out of town and then ran the 49ers themselves out of the SF/Oakland area. Now they play in Santa Clara. Inherited the team, running it into the ground.

 

Jimmy Haslem (Cleveland Browns) – Had to pay $92 million in penalties for committing fuel rebate fraud against customers at his chain of truck stops. Also, he bought the Browns while he still owned a piece of the Steelers.

 

Bob McNair (Houston Texans) – Mitch McConnell’s largest campaign donor from 2009-2015. Opposed LGBT equality legislation in Houston. Total fuckboy.

 

Jerry Richardson (Carolina Panthers) – Has a 13-foot statue of himself outside the team’s stadium where he is flanked by two panthers. Made most of his money as a Hardee’s franchisee. Eeeww.

 

Jerry Jones (Dallas Cowboys) – No explanation necessary.

 

Zygi Wilf (Minneapolis Vikings) – Committed fraud and racketeering to the tune of $84.5 against former (obvs) business partner, including damages and interest. Another creep who lobbied for state funds to pay for a new football stadium.

 

Mark Davis (Oakland Raiders) – Inherited the team from his late father, Al “Just Win, Baby” Davis. Has a bad haircut that makes him look like either Bucky Larson or a big toe covered in Cheeto dust. Wants to move the team to Las Vegas, isn’t even hiding that shit.

 

Terry Pegula (Buffalo Bills) – Made his money from fracking. That won’t come back to hurt us later. Naaahhh.

 

Daniel Snyder (Washington) – Bought the team in 1999. Ooh boy. It has not gone well. He has not handled the criticism well, either. Also he thinks he can cut down trees near his property because they obstruct his view of the river.