My Depression Is Strong

August 28th, 2016

I’m trying to make some changes. Diet changes. Less pizza, less soda, less potato chips and Doritos. In place of the soda, I’ve subbed in flavored sparkling water. I give myself a pop every day or every other day but it’s not it used to be. It wasn’t uncommon for me to drink a bunch of sodas in a day. Mountain Dews, Pepsi, Diet Dr. Pepper.


My stomach feels better. I think the lack of soda pop has made it easier on me, stomach-wise.


I wasn’t raised in a normal way. I sort of have to raise myself now. At the age people think mortgage for their home. I have to nurture that inner child that makes some people sick to hear about. That neglected inner child.


I am a depressed little boy. My depression is very strong. It’s not strong enough to make me want to die, but it’s strong enough to make me not want to take care of business. “Don’t clean up around here. It doesn’t matter.” I won’t clean up, depression. I won’t pick up all these clothes on the floor. I won’t sort out all this mail that piled up on my counter. “Don’t work on songs right now.” I won’t work on songs right now. I won’t finish any one of the millions of songs that are almost done. Maybe I will work on a few of them. . . eventually. I have so much to do. But depression is the boss around here. I just live here and pay the bills and put out the garbage at 9pm the night before the guy comes to collect it.


Or 1am. Whatever works for me and my depression.


Which one of us is in control? Obviously, the depression is right now.


I’m not melancholy. I’m not even sad. I’m listening to a soundboard of a Prince & The Revolution concert from 1986 just before they broke up and I’m enjoying myself. This might be the last concert they played in Tokyo. If depression were just a state of being sad, I wouldn’t have a problem. Because I’m not sad.


I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. That is the reason for my depression. I am not getting what I need, chemically and hormonally. I try to work through it with therapy and medication. It’s a science, not an art. Not a perfect science, either. And that is okay.


My depression is not going to be relieved by medicine. Pills are not happy-makers. They do not make me oblivious to my problems in real-life. They don’t help me forget that I am too fat, as well as a bunch of other stuff. The pills just aim to give me a more level playing field so I can deal with my problems instead of be on edge like a maniac all the time.


Pills will not make all my problems go away. They’re not supposed to, that’s not on the label. Some people want to make their problems go away and stop feeling sad and medicine just isn’t going to make that happen. Because bad things happen and your feelings are going to be what they are in relation to those events. If you’re in debt, depression medicine isn’t going to make that debt go away. I was fat before I took the medicine, I’m still fat. Pills didn’t take those things away. I didn’t take diet pills.


This has gotten away from me. These things usually do. I started writing about one thing and ended up writing about a bunch of other things in relation. I’m trying to tie it all together in a bow and I can’t. I wish I could but the real world isn’t tied in a nice little bow. It’s all a mess and it’s a mess in my life and it’s probably a mess in your life too. I just wanted to give a little bit of wisdom that I’ve gained from years of experience.


Everything I learned I learned the hard way.



Whatever Happens To You

August 20th, 2016

Whatever happens to the deceased?

I’ve had time to think about the dearly departed and this is what I have learned.

The deceased return to the universe.

They become a part of our environment.

Drops of morning dew,

flakes of volcanic ash,

atoms shifting throughout this blue ball of rain called Earth.

Matter changing throughout time,

always surrounding us,

never being far away.

In our lungs and in our nostrils

as well as our memories and dreams.

I can conjure up the loved ones I’ve lost.

Every time I sweat from hard work.

Each time I cry a tear of joy.

When I play a song, I wiggle the air molecules around me.

I can always touch the people I lost.

Brian Came To B.G.

August 18th, 2016

Brian Wilson came to Bowling Green for a show a few days ago and I got to see him. He was on his “Pet Sounds” 50th Anniversary tour, with Al Jardine and Blondie Chaplin as special guests. It was a strange show, considering the setting and the audience. Watching the show at SkyPAC with thousands of older folks who seemed to want to have a nice, normal time enjoying classic Beach Boys songs. If it had been in a small club in front of a crowd packed with hipsters my age and younger, I wouldn’t think it was so strange. But the niceness of the venue and the oldness of the crowd and the content of the music, especially the “Pet Sounds” music combined for an intense but interesting show.


First thing you realize when held up next to the classic Beach Boys hits is how “Pet Sounds” is such a moody collection of emotionally intense songs. It’s not a happy album at all. Brian Wilson produced that album when he was twenty-four, which is a pretty good age to have an existential breakdown about your life. So maybe “Pet Sounds” is the musical equivalent of that breakdown except it sounds beautiful and universal. And then you hear that same guy at the age of seventy-four singing “God Only Knows” and you start thinking.


I got choked up at “God Only Knows”. My life, how it has changed. How I have changed. To hear the old man sing the song that he wrote when he was a young, young man. He wrote it and had his brother sing it but his brother has passed on. And Brian can’t sing anymore. Or he can but his range is limited. By age and drugs and life. My God.


Brian Wilson, this poor s.o.b. is a 74-year-old drug-damaged schizophrenic. And he’s the ticket seller for this 50th anniversary tour. Why don’t we just leave the guy alone? He has to sell the tickets and be there in person for the show. That concert did more for Bowling Green than it did for Brian. And it was pretty weird.


I also cried at the last song of the night, “Love And Mercy”. Choked up again. Because that’s what it is all about. Love and mercy is what we need tonight. Every night. Forever. He’s right. We really do need Brian more than he needs us.


A VIP experience was available. No thanks. Never meet your idols. Nothing like posing for an awkward photo with an anxious old man. What are you gonna tell him? “Thank you. . . for everything.” Anything I’d want to say would be way too personal for someone who I don’t know and doesn’t know me. I’d want to hug him. Can you imagine how his eyes would bulge if a stranger just grabbed and hugged him. Forget it. Leave him alone.

My New Restaurant

August 9th, 2016

I am opening a new restaurant. Our grand opening is this weekend. It’s called “5300 Burritos”. It’s a theme restaurant. It’s on the 5300 block of Frederica Street in Owensboro right in front of the Malco theater. “5300 Burritos”. You should come out and see us.


It’s a theme restaurant. like all the great restaurants. Let’s say you stop in and order a burrito. Of course you would. The name of the place is “5300 Burritos”. Of course we got burritos to serve.


We don’t just give you a burrito. We give you 5,300 burritos. That’s five-thousand-three-hundred burritos. All at once. “But I didn’t ask for that many.” Shut up and eat what you got. Enjoy your 5,300 burritos. That’s the theme of the restaurant. No matter what you order, you get 5,300 burritos instead. You want pizza, you get 5,300 burritos. Tacos? Spaghetti? Hamburgers? None of those. 5,300 burritos for all of you.


“Can I have a to-go bag?” Nope. You either eat those 5,300 burritos here or leave them on the table. Do you know how hard it is to mass-produce produce burritos? Who do I look like, Dow Chemical? I’m a simple entrepreneur and that’s what makes this country so great; people like me who invest in it.


Now you’re thinking of ways to beat the system. “I’ll just bring 5,299 of my friends to eat with me.” No you won’t. You don’t have that many friends. Also, we have a maximum seating capacity of ninety-six. We get too many people in here and the fire marshal will shut us down.


You smartalecks out there are thinking “I know what I’ll do, I’ll go to the counter and ask for 5,300 burritos.” That’s how I ended up in this position. I wish you would, smartypants. Because you would be releasing me from THE CURSE.


That’ll teach you to joke around with a vengeful gypsy.

New Stunts For The Brave Of Heart

August 2nd, 2016

The other day I posted that for $200 I would go see “Hillary’s America”, the new Dinesh D’Souza propaganda film. The same guy who made “Obama’s America” and a bunch of anti-liberal junk that would make your eyes bleed if you have the ability to think for yourself.


While Obama and Clinton are worthy to be criticized, the filmmaker doesn’t need to shoehorn his agenda of post-colonialism and Saul Alinsky tactics and whatever else he thinks will make conservatives angry. You can critique them on their own terms and be justified. Anyway, nobody ponied up the $200 so I didn’t go see it, thank God.


If we had a Jackass or Fear Factor in 2016, we wouldn’t need the people on those shows to eat pig dick or jump into a vat of cattle dung for our amusement. There are plenty of stunts for the brave of heart out there that don’t involve grossness or risking your own health. Your sanity, maybe. Here are a few examples. Some you may have no problem doing, some you’d rather try to take a bit of pig dick instead.


  • Sitting through a marathon of Chrisley Knows Best
  • Teaching a grandparent how to text message
  • Listening to an entire episode of a Full House-themed podcast
  • Listening to a wrestling podcast review an episode of WWE Raw or Smackdown
  • Watch a friend install a video game
  • Watch open mic of any type (music, poetry, etc.)
  • Have a phone conversation with a narcissistic friend
  • Argue on Twitter
  • Reflect on your life and try to figure out where everything went wrong
  • Become an accomplice to cyber theft
  • Meet a person from California and ask them what part of California they are from and then ask them how close that is to the one part of California you’ve visited and then talk about the one time you went to California
  • Listen to your friend’s new song/album while they look at you for approval
  • Venture into any comment section
  • Care about things

Cannonball Run II For President

July 29th, 2016

Have you ever seen the 1984 movie Cannonball Run II? It sucks. Don’t see it. It reminds me of the current political situation in the US, what with the election and the orange man who sucks and all the other bullshit.


You got Obama and Biden who won the last Cannonball Run, and though Obama and Biden aren’t running and can’t because of term limits they’re in the Cannonball Run and so is Donald Trump and Mike Pence who are deep in debt with Vladimir Putin. Later on in the movie, Obama and Biden are going to have to dress up as pretty belly dancers to rescue Trump from Putin. Don’t ask questions.


Also in the race are Hillary Clinton and Tim Paine and they’re in a limo with a false front that looks like a orangutang is driving in the front. It looks great, and everybody envies them. Two great-looking chicks (Elizabeth Warren and Jill Stein) are being chased throughout the race/movie by a phalanx of cops (led by Gary Johnson).


Bernie Sanders is with Jackie Chan in the Mitsubishi¬†that can drive underwater and that’s the last time he’ll be referenced in this article.


Don’t try to make sense out of what I’m saying. It’s 3:30 in the morning. Cannonball Run II sucks and so does 2016 as an election and as a year.

A List Of Made Up NASCAR Drivers

July 25th, 2016

  1. Cole Colter
  2. Regan Hager
  3. Colton Millar
  4. Dalton Sanders
  5. Junior Jacobs, Jr.
  6. Mark Redknapp
  7. Cubby Vaughn
  8. Chase Morghan
  9. Ron Pope
  10. Greg Proops
  11. Kelly Dovenpurt
  12. “Flammable ‘Fireball'” Freddie Ferguson, the man with up to three nicknames
  13. Bo Cobb
  14. B.J. Service
  15. Nathan Ethan from Dothan
  16. Darth Montgomery
  17. Eddie Vedder
  18. Cumberbund Jenkins
  19. Ben Limewire, Jr.
  20. Austin Gentry
  21. Asa Kendridge
  22. Polly Jean Harvey
  23. Pancake “Pivot” McKenzie
  24. Larry Joe Curtis
  25. Archie Winthrop
  26. Evan Essence
  27. Dillon Doolin Dylan
  28. “Amateur Hour” Andy Alfalfa
  29. Gristleshits McCormack
  30. Fanny Inlet

Can’t Have Anything

July 25th, 2016

Not even a week ago, I said I was voting for Hillary Clinton. And then she bites me right in the ass like a rabid dog. The Democrats were in the tank for her against Bernie Sanders the entire time. To use a sports metaphor, this is like the entire NCAA helping Alabama Crimson Tide beat UL-Monroe in football.


Is this the worst thing that has been done during this election cycle? Noooo. Is Hillary Clinton still a better choice than Donald Trump? Of course. But wouldn’t it be nice to be to vote FOR someone instead of voting against someone. This “lesser of two evils” bullshit doesn’t exactly make it for me.


Oh, and the Russians are involved somehow. They hacked the Democrats e-mail server. Goddamn fuck me bloody. This is like Dr. Strangelove without any of the jokes.


If only I could have any amount of personal optimism, I might feel better. The most positive development in my life has been me getting a new box fan. New box fan. That’s my life. I am white trash. Miserable white trash with a new box fan surrounded by sadness. My life sucks.


Best case scenario is the Cubs win the World Series and then the drones kill us all a week later.

Pokemon In My Yard

July 23rd, 2016

The other day I came home and there were a couple of kids walking around in my yard with phones in their faces. I asks ’em “Hey you kids looking for Pokemon?” The bigger kid, he says “maybe” all suspicious like. C’mon kid. You’re in my yard. You’re the creep here.


I’m not playing the Pokemon Go thing but I’m fascinated by it. Because apparently Pokemon are in my front yard. I guess they show up everywhere. They show up, and they get caught by players or they disappear. What happens after that is a mystery to me. They have maps online that tell you where the things are. You can type in your address and scan to see if anything is nearby. Catch yourself a Golbat or Eevee if they happen to be around. I thought about calling my landlord to root them out. Apparently you can’t shoot them.


At first I wanted to hate this Pokemon Go but now I’m okay with it. I like the idea of making magic out of things that aren’t magic at all. There’s a perfectly good explanation for why Pokemon appear randomly, even at six in the morning on a Saturday. I don’t really want to know how. I don’t care how the donuts are made. I want a little light magic in the world because the world can be a sinister place.


One day I be able to name all of the original 151 Pokemon besides Pikachu without having ever set foot inside the Pokemon canon and it will be either hilarious or infuriating.

I’m Voting For Hillary Later

July 19th, 2016

I am not hemming and hawing over my decision for President. I’m voting for Hillary Clinton in November. Not Jill Stein. Not Gary Johnson. Not Bernie. And certainly not that fucker on the Republican side. That orange shithead who walked onstage to “We Are The Champions” Monday night.


What do I have to do to make sure Donald Trump never becomes President of this country? I will do it. I will vote against him. No problem. Do I need to volunteer for Hillary’s campaign? I could try to do that. I don’t know how effective I will be. But I could try. Do I need to donate money to Hill- let’s just stop there, I don’t have any money to donate. Those are the realistic things a person could do. Anything beyond would be unrealistic.


I’m not for letting the dumb and the mean and bigoted walk all over me. F.U.M.F.